Hephaestion
I am told by Clitus that I must attend the wedding party tonight
Alexander demands it
Gods why does he torture me
It is the first time I have seen Clitus since last night
I do not know how to act
I am ashamed
I have betrayed Alexander
I want to do it again
Clitus was probably telling everyone that he had finally fucked me
If word ever got to Alexander
My heart picks up
I feel hot
It's hard to breath
Clitus looks at me
"Whatever you're thinking in that head of yours STOP" he exclaims
"Alexander will not know Hephaestion"
"I will take it to my grave"
I run to my water bowl and throw up
He hands me a towel
"I will meet you by the entrance, like I always do"
"Please do not cut yourself, you can do this"
He walks out
There is no way I can go without cutting myself first
Anxiety
My hands are shaking
He will know
You have betrayed Alexander
I kneel on the ground
Sitting on my feet
My knife in hand
My arms look horrific
Slashes on top of scars
I need to stop
There is no way I can hide these
One more time
I straighten out my arm
Holding my arm in place by my hand under my knees
I feel excited
I push the tip of the knife into my flesh
I exhale
Pulling down to create a line
The blood flows
The pain is what I deserve
Unlovable
I cry out
Releasing the feelings of guilt, anxiety
I wrap my arm with cloth
Containing the blood within its fibers
I dress in Persian clothes
Long sleeves, pants
I try to brush my hair
I have been neglecting it again
Mats are forming
It had finally grown some
Resting on my shoulders
I use my knife to saw away at the mats
Doing damage to the back
I do not care how I look I just want this night over with
I am ready now
I walk down to the wedding party
I see Clitus waiting for me at the entrance
He meets me half way a look of concern on his face
"Hephaestion, your hair" he says with concern
He takes my head and hugs it to his chest
Running his hands through my butchered hair
Holding my head in his hands he looks into my eyes
Questioning my frame of mind
I push his arms away
I look down at the ground
"I am well" I lie
We walk to the wedding
Every once in a while I feel his hand on the small of my back
Guiding me
"You are expected to greet her" Clitus leans down and informs me
"Then I can go?" I whisper
He squeezes the back of my arm
I walk up too them
Sitting together smiling
I bow to her not looking her in the face
"Who this" she asks, her Greek is primitive
"This is Hephiasion, my love he is one of my General's" he informs her
I cringe when he calls her "my love"
"He is also one of my closest confidants" he adds
I look at him, he is smiling
He winks at me
I smile a crooked smile
I do not have the strength to form a full smile
"You will stay till the end" he informs me
"I need to speak with you"
I nod "Of course"
My heart sinks I cannot sit here all night
I feel the panic rising
I walk back to Clitus and wait for the night to be over
Alexander
Roxanna is leaving
I tell her I will be there soon
Kissing her good night
I search for Hephaestion
He looked like shit when he introduced himself
His hair seemed shorter again
His eyes wild
I am reminded of his breakdown
Does he do this on purpose?
This drama every time he does not get my full attention
He knows I need an heir
He can be so selfish and demanding
I see him standing near Clitus
Jealousy takes over me
I do not like them being friends
I am all Hephaestion needs
I wanted to comfort Hephaestion he looked so distraught when he came in
Now I am angry
I walk to the circle of men talking and drinking
They congratulate me
I ignore them
Taking Hephaestion by his arm I pull him out from the circle
"Come with me" I growl at him
Pulling him off to the side
I see Clitus walk towards the edge of the circle watching us
This only pisses me off more
I am the son of Zeus, the King of Asia
Hephaestion is mine and I will do as I please
I shove him away from me almost pushing him to the ground
He stumbles
"Alexander?" he looks at me questioning my aggressiveness
The men are watching
"I invite you to come celebrate my wedding with me to and you show up looking like you are attending a funeral" I shout at him
Anger flashes across his face
"You did not ask me here Alexander, you demanded it, why do you need me here to witness your love of another" he screams back at me
I look over and see the surprised looks of the men watching
How dare he embarrass me in front of them
I punch him in the mouth
He looks at me with those eyes full of hurt
Spitting out the blood
I feel rage building inside me
I walk over to one of the men watching, leaning on a walking stick
I take it from him and turn back towards Hephaestion
His eyes widen with the knowledge of what I am going to do to him
I swing the cane and hit him across the back of his legs
He falls to his knees covering his head with his arms
I cannot see straight
I swing over and over until someone takes the cane from me
It is Clitus
I look down at Hephaestion
He is curled up protecting his head and face from my blows
I am immediately ashamed
What have I done?
I rush towards him kneeling beside him
"Hephaestion, Phai, I am so sorry Please forgive me I did not mean it" I cry
He is rocking back and forth and does not look at me
He is somewhere else
"Please Alexander, leave him be" Clitus pleads
I am ashamed
I look around and everyone is watching
I will talk to him tomorrow
He will forgive me then
Tomorrow he will forgive me
Hephaestion
I hear Clitus saying my name
He is kneeling in front of me his hands on my shoulders
"Hephaestion get up, can you get up?" he asks
I nod and stand
The back of my legs and my back are screaming
Everyone is staring
Clitus takes me by my arm leading me out quickly
He takes me to my room
Slamming the door behind us
I jump
"How dare he treat you this way" he screams
He comes towards me
Pulling my tunic up off my back
He lets out a breath
"Oh Hephaestion" he cries
I know what my back must look like
I have suffered this before
"I am all right Clitus" I try to comfort him
Pulling my tunic back down
"What can I do?" he asks
He has been so kind to me
I think of our night together
Does he love me?
I am overwhelmed with need
I need him to love me
I kiss him on the mouth
"Hephaestion you can't be serious" he exclaims
I do not understand what he is saying
Sex is love is it not?
Sex is everything
Alexander has taught me this
Sex is I am sorry
Sex is I trust you
Sex is I need you
Sex is I love you
Sex proves it all and says it all
It is the only thing I have to give
I kiss him again on the mouth lingering waiting for his response
I wait…Does he love me?
Clitus growls and pulls my tunic off
Reaching down my pants he pulls me to him
Running his hands up the back of my legs and up my back
I inhale sharply as he manages to touch every bruise Alexander inflicted
He stops
Taking me by my upper arms pushing me away from him
"I can't Hephaestion" he says sharply
"There is nowhere I can touch you that is not bruised or cut from your own hand"
"I do not want to hurt you"
I do not understand what he is saying
I lean forward towards him trying to kiss him again
"Stop" he barks
"It has been a long night we both need to rest" he says more gently
I blink as it registers what he is saying
He does not want me
Unlovable
I nod
"Go to bed Hephaestion it has been a long night" Clitus tells me as he walks to my door
I remove my clothes and crawl into bed face down and I am asleep within minutes
Alexander
I wake up with an instant feeling of guilt
I go directly to Hephaestion's room
He is lying on his bed still sleeping
His back and legs are covered in bruises
Long bruises
I am overwhelmed with guilt
I walk over to his bed sitting on the edge
Waiting for him to wake
It is not long before he stirs
"Alexander?"
He sits up slowly sitting on the edge of the bed with me
His forearms are wrapped in cloth his thighs have multiple slashes
He is still cutting himself
I take his hand in mine
"Can you ever forgive me Phai? I ask
"I do not know what came over me" I beg
Hephaestion takes my hands in his
"Alexander, I will always forgive you" he whispers
He is looking down at our hands
I do not know what I did to deserve him
"Why do you forgive me I do not deserve it" I tell him
He looks me in the face now his blue eyes reaching my soul
"Because I love you Alexander, I am nothing without you"
I touch his face
I kiss him
Slow
Sucking and nibbling on his lips
I hold the back of his neck with one hand
Holding his mouth to me
Kissing him
I stand without breaking the kiss
As I stand in front of him he takes my cock and circles his tongue around the tip
He spits on his hand and runs it up and down my cock as he sucks on the tip
Gods he was good at this, better than Roxanna
Not as good as Bagoas, I need to get them together
Hephaestion and Bagoas
I almost cum
I pull my cock from him then move towards him again
Herding him farther onto the bed
He lies on his back and I lay next to him on my side
He faces me and I pull him closer
Hugging him
"Show me you love me" I tell him
He kisses my mouth running his hands over my body
Sucking on my neck under my ear
Working his way down to my chest
Licking my nipple sucking it, licking it
He moves to the other doing the same
Working his way down
Taking my cock again in his mouth
Moving his mouth up and down my cock
He sucks on one of my balls
Then the other
Back to my cock
I lay on my back watching him work
Groaning as he sucks harder, faster
I sit up moving towards the edge of the bed
He follows me with my cock still in his mouth
We stand together, kissing
I lead him back towards the wall
Running my hands up the sides of his body
Aware of his bruises but not caring
"Face the wall" I instruct him
He turns around holding himself away from the wall with his hands
I encircle his waist and push into him
He grunts as I shove my cock in to the root
Pulling out then thrusting back in
His hands are clutched into fists as he holds himself away from the wall
Taking each thrust
Proving his love for me
I take his cock in my hand and begin to stroke it as I pump into him
Building speed
Building
I cum
He leans his forehead onto the wall
I pull out turning him so he is facing me
He winces as his back touches the wall
"I do not like how close you are getting to Clitus" I inform him
His face goes from shock to despair
I touch his face he can hide nothing from me
"He is my friend Alexander He protects me" he says softly almost to himself
"Protects you from who Hephaestion? Me?" I ask feeling the anger creep in
I see tears building in his eyes
Why the tears for Clitus
It makes me angry
"I will have no one Alexander if you take him from me" he pleads
"You only need me Hephaestion, I will protect you, I will comfort you, I will satisfy you"
"I am the only person you need, you will separate yourself from Clitus" I say this with a tone of finality
I take a handful of his hair pushing his head into the wall
My face inches from his
"Will you defy me" I ask bouncing his head off the wall to make my point clear
"No Alexander I will not defy you" he submits
"Good" I smile and kiss him
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