Chapter 7

Purgatory

"I may not like where we are, but I understand it.

Just remember Kim,

I am and will always be here for you.

I may be with someone else, but I'll always be here if you need me."

~ Shane to Kim, 1985


Location: Kimberly's front porch

The deliberate close of the front door accompanied by a forceful throat clearing broke Shane's melancholy confession to his mentor. Having walked out onto a private conversation, Neil was noticeably awkward.

"Dr. Curtis how's the lassie?" Peachy offered as she breezed past Shane, patting him on the arm for encouragement.

"Oh, she's resting comfortably," He replied slowly. Neil's gaze met the two pairs of concerned eyes. "Now."

Shane exhaled heavily, not satisfied with a succinct answer. He wanted to know every detail to assuage his conscious. The past few hours had been agonizing not being able see her for himself, to take her hands into his and profess his heartfelt regret over the whole bloody situation. Unlike Phillip, Shane knew damn well a simple trip up resulting in broken glassware did not rattle Kimberly. Making matters worse, Shane knew he was the cause.

"Neil, was Kimberly upset?"

Neil sensed that the spy might bolt through the door, dash up the stairs, and check for himself, if he didn't adequately answer his question. Their old friend smiled slightly, holding his hands up for assurance.

"I gave her a shot to numb the area."

Shane's eyes darted towards the door.

"The medication made her sleepy, Shane." Neil grabbed his arm to prevent him from acting on his emotions. Though Dr. Curtis knew that if Donovan had a mind, there would be no stopping him!

"There, there, laddie. The lass will probably sleep all night." Peachy soothed as she placed her hand on his back. Both Neil and Peachy exchanged looks, holding their breath that Shane's head would overrule his heart. Shane sighed in defeat nodding at Neil in agreement.

"I'm afraid I have to impose on the two of you for a ride home." Neil interjected sheepishly. The unexpected request broke the tension enveloping them. Liz had left hours ago with their daughter. Shane insisted it wasn't an inconvenience, pulling his keys from his pants pocket and escorting their old friend to the car. Peachy stayed behind.

The car ride was riddled with discomfort, bordering between idle chitchat about their children to abrupt silence when the subject swerved dangerously close to the status of Kimberly or Shane. Thus, the hour drive became laborious for both men. Finally, Shane interrupted the polite silence.

"Did she say anything?"

Neil faced straight ahead.

"Shane, you know I can't reveal anything discussed between me and my patient." He cautioned.

"I understand."

The depth of Shane's voice persuaded the good doctor to elaborate, if only a little.

"Phillip was there you know."

Shane nodded knowing the significance of the statement. Deducing that Neil had an unfavorable opinion of the producer, he pondered a way to extract more information out of Neil that would reveal more than a nuanced statement regarding Kimberly's fiancé. As Shane contemplated the angle, Neil pointed to the turnoff towards the windy, uphill road to their beachfront home. The incline was steep and serpentine, leaving the driver with the option of scanning the jagged edges of the cliff, or the black foamy sea below. Thus, all conversation ceased until they reached their destination at the top where the landscape flattened into a plush green lawn with a circular drive. Gated, security waved them in. As Neil exited the car, he paused for a moment glancing around at the immaculate view of the waves crashing over the rocks below.

"You know, I have never seen two people love each other so completely and yet still be so far apart."

Specters enveloped the late night air, casting shadows against Shane's face making it difficult to read. He bit the inside of his lip staring straight out towards the blackness of the sea.

"I remember a time when that would have described you and Liz." He replied evenly.

A hearty chuckle slipped out of Neil's mouth.

"And look at us now."

His words echoed through the brisk evening air as Shane smiled politely and waved good-bye. Pulling out of the driveway he put the top down in the black Mercedes, letting the wind talk to him as he drove the long windy roads back to the valley. Despite the genuine warm sentiment flowing from Neil's words, Shane felt an indictment like the bite of the wind against his face as he sped down the cliff. They loved each other so much, how and when did the distance become so close?

It was well past midnight when Shane pulled into her driveway. Dragging his beleaguered body up the porch steps and letting himself in with the spare key, Shane staggered to his left and quietly pushed the French doors open that closed off the study from the rest of the house. He insisted Peachy take the guest room earlier because Shane preferred its location. Per his training, it put him in close proximity to the most sensitive entry into the house in case of trouble. Tossing his bags onto the floor, he smiled at the neatly folded blankets and pillow that set on the sofa situated under the front window. Kimberly even left a green mint on the pillow, which induced a light-hearted laugh from the spy. As he slipped his white linen shirt off and discarded it onto the floor, more revelations tumbled out of the vault of his heart. Exhausted Shane didn't bother changing into pajamas, falling onto the couch. He clasped a pillow tightly against his perfectly sculpted bare chest as he struggled with the demons that plagued him.

"Ah, come on Shane! This isn't about Lawrence," Her disdain over the lecture flowed freely.

" It's about us…Shane and Kimberly." She said the words with such sarcasm, exposing the depth of pain behind them.

"Oh, what are you talking about?" He snapped back irritably.

"It's about our relationship." She replied sharply.

" Ok, one minute it's thank you very much Kimberly but the marriage is over,

and the next, it's let's sit down Kimberly and discuss some do's and don't's for ya.

Well it doesn't work that way. Either everything's changed or it hasn't!" ~1991

So much had changed.

Admittedly, now he understood the argument in its fullest context given she was on assignment from Terrington without his knowledge. That was the problem; it was difficult to separate the ISA from the circumstances revolving around his personal life. Worse, any link between the two forced him to address certain truths Shane wasn't equipped to deal with at the moment. Lurking in the midst of his hazy memories was the realization of how well he played the game with Kim, pitting her the problem one minute, while he played with her heart the next. Having grown weary of the Roulette game, Kimberly withdrew and refused to divulge critical information regarding threats she began to receive.

"When are you going to learn?" He quizzed impatiently.

"Learn?" She retorted remaining calm. But her tone betrayed her offense at his patronizing behavior.

"You know the ONLY thing I have learned in all this?" She asked rhetorically.

"That it's a no win situation for me." For a second Kim thought she was getting through to him and so she eased up.

"Come on, Shane. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He replied flippantly.

"I'm talking about if I tell you when something goes wrong," Her voice began to rise an octave, revealing her annoyance over having to elaborate.

"Like this" She waved her hands to accentuate the obvious.

"You immediately assume I'm bidding for your attention as though I am using it as some ploy to get you away from Kayla." She stated sarcastically.

The idea was highly offensive and Kimberly wasn't going to mask her disgust over the accusation.

"Oh come on, Kimberly!" Shane protested, though deep down that is exactly what he believed.

"Are you going to stand there and deny it?" Kimberly was irritated more than surprised at how much self-denial Shane possessed.

"How many times have one or both of you actually accused me of orchestrating these threats just to tear you and Kayla apart?"

Deep down Shane was relieved for the interruptions. It kept things in limbo for just a little while longer.

"It's a no win situation with you!" She cried.

He cringed thinking back to how brutal the battle had become.

"Smashing job, ole' boy." He muttered to himself in disgust. Shane's bloody pride almost cost him his child at the hands of that psycho, Winters!

His thoughts finally landed unto the events of this evening. The look in her eyes when Shane offered aide spoke volumes. She didn't trust him. More damning, Kimberly didn't trust in him to be there for her, so why entertain his good graces at all? Not with a physical injury, much less with an emotional one. His folly with Kayla tore apart the last shred of faith to who Shane was in her eyes. And as demonstrated when he confronted her over Lawrence, there was no way Shane could even broach the topic of his budding reservations regarding Phillip. The thought devastated him.

Shane had played the odds, rolled the dice and showcased his best poker face.

He lost!

"Oh my God! You're in love with her aren't you?"

The declaration had startled him.

Shane hadn't entertained much thought as to exactly what was going on between them. Did he have feelings for Kayla? Shane thought fondly of her. Kayla was attractive and easy company. He just knew that when Kim left, there wasn't the usual colleague in the wings to deflect the pain. Instead, his sister-in-law was there to absorb the reality of his vacant existence. With Kayla there was no danger of any complications for Shane's heart. He simply shifted back into an old familiar pattern that offered Shane fleeting relief from the throbbing ache deep within his chest.

Kimberly planted the seed with her suggestion so Shane decided to let it germinate. The depths of sorrow he felt when he failed her or she had disappointed him became too much to handle. Having not addressed these issues, he had grown weary of being held hostage by her love. Its effects coaxed and teased Shane to the point of insanity. Loving Kimberly was neither a choice nor did it come with an option of escaping. Loving her simply was. That was the problem with passion; its intoxicating fire demanded all of one's soul and held the heart prisoner even when it yearned to be free. Its insatiable appetite never quenched unless it yielded to its source. Kimberly was Shane source. Eternal love was a lot of things, but merciful wasn't one of them!

Shane tossed restlessly on the couch. Propping pillows to support his neck, Shane gazed out the side window and traced constellations with his eyes trying to lull his cluttered mind to sleep. But nothing would take his mind off her. Constellations reminded him of Miami and it would be dangerous to travel down that road with either his desires or his conscious. Pulling his focus inward, Shane surveyed Kimberly's study landing on her exquisite collection of leather bound classics. Throwing his legs over, Shane hopped up from his makeshift bed on the sofa and walked across the room towards the built-ins. Casually thumbing threw a collection of Shakespearean sonnets, Shane stood for a moment soaking in the meticulous décor. The Grandfather clock slowly ticked away the minutes from its perch in the hall. Sleep still far away, Shane set the book down and began to pace. Only one thing would help settle his soul.

Like a ghost, Shane wandered from room to room downstairs until he had made a full sweep of the downstairs and ended up at the foyer once more at the foot of the steps. He gazed back into the study and then a visual sweep to the second story. Still restless, he ventured upstairs until he found the tonic his troubled spirit sought. Her door slightly ajar, Shane peered into Kimberly's room to assure his conscious that she was indeed asleep and at peace. It was looking through the protective lens of a telescope that first enslaved him to her. Leaning against the doorframe, Shane longed to slide in bed next to her, to feel her steady, rhythmic breathing as her soft warm body pressed up against his. Over the years, watching her sleep, whether after a night of lovemaking, a tragedy that landed her in a hospital bed, or a nightmare that taunted her- the way she slumbered peacefully afterwards settled Shane's spirits. Tonight she lay on her back, her light wavy tresses flanking her delicate frame around her bare shoulders. Looking angelic, her head turned to her left, Kim rested with her bandaged hand propped delicately above the sheet. Like a bolt of lightening, a memory pulsated through Shane's psyche to a time when she lay in his bed in similar fashion. He had created euphoria in her, but now Kim's white-bandaged hand against the backdrop of the hazy darkness of her room, highlighted the glaring difference between the two visuals. As he studied her closely, Shane didn't notice a tranquil expression across her resting face, but a solemn one. Tucked tightly in her bandaged hand was a crinkly, damp tissue. A lump formed in his throat. She had cried herself to sleep.

At once, Shane stopped struggling.

In the darkest part of the night, right before dawn slips onto the horizon breaking the deathly grip the shadows have over the land, Shane realized what he wanted most. Making friends with time, he vowed to create an environment that allowed Kimberly to be whole again. Shane swallowed hard at the thought; even if it meant she belonged to someone else?

Walking over to the side of her bed, he adjusted the sheets so that Kim would rest without a chill. A finger to his lips, he placed it upon her flushed forehead, letting his fingers glide through a few pieces of her hair. Shane let his fingertips linger for a moment stroking her cheek delicately. Kimberly slumbered deeply, her breathe slow and even. Gazing at her, Shane leaned in and whispered,

"I love you, darling."

She didn't stir.

"I promise, I'll make it up to you." He whispered in a hush.

Then, Shane exited the room as quietly as he had entered. Pulling the door shut, Shane paused for a moment resting his head against the panel. For the first time, Shane allowed himself to feel the depth of anguish that rattled within. Alone, he wept quietly over his grim fate.