Before we left Naboo, Queen Amidala came to visit. Even in all her regal finery, I saw the spirited and friendly Padme I had gotten to know during the journey from and back to Naboo.
"Master Jinn," she said as she stepped into my room. Her eyes were twinkling at me as I sat up in surprise. "Naboo owes you a debt."
"Your Highness," I inclined my head. "I am honored to have been at your side, but I fear I had nothing to do with your reclaiming your planet. That honor is young Anakin's."
"And your companion, and you, too. Naboo will forever remember the assistance the Jedi gave us, even if only 'unofficially.' I understand the limitations of the mandate you were given."
We both laughed, and I relaxed a bit, for the Council had limited our action to protection of the royal party. We had not been given leave to fight on her behalf. The fact that to accomplish the first required some action on her behalf unanticipated did not bother us.
Queen Amidala sat carefully on a chair, balancing a large and unwieldy headdress and waved her attendants away. Once we were alone, she giggled like a young woman.
"Call me Padme, please," she requested with a charming smile. "At least in private."
"Padme," I acknowledged with a smile, and thanked her for the fine care I was receiving.
"Naboo's pleasure," she waved it off. "I have met with your Jedi Council, and one thing I know now is that you are not a typical Jedi."
"Milady?" I questioned.
"They are all so stiff and formal. Even your companion tends to be like them – give him another five or ten years and he'll be that stiff, too."
How I wished Obi-Wan was present to hear this. He would probably shrink inside at the thought, but there some truth to it. The more he saw and experienced, the more controlled he tended to become. The open hearted boy I had first known had grown more cautious and reserved. There were times I regretted this, for much of this had been due to my early mentoring of him.
I had kept my distance from him, and he had confused my distance with indifference. He had tried so hard to please me without changing his own nature, that he had become tied to the rules rather than the spirit of the Jedi code. His greatest fear had become that of disappointing me. I had known that, but hadn't really acknowledged it.
The long years without him had shown me how much I had come to rely on his presence and how deeply I mourned his loss. The joy of our reunion still flamed within me – no matter the grief and pain of those years, that elation of seeing recognition and happiness in his eyes would live in my mind until the day I died.
Padme saw the smile blooming on my face and she laughed.
"Your – padawan, you said?" I nodded. "You seem both to love each other very much. I thought Jedi were trained to repress emotion, yet I saw how deeply he felt when he thought you might die. I saw him, you know, after he killed that Sith, while you were being rushed to surgery. There were tears on his face, and heartbreak in his eyes."
I wasn't surprised to hear this. My padawan felt deeply, though he usually didn't display his emotions on his sleeve. He must have been quite fatigued to let it be displayed so obviously.
"Obi-Wan is the son I will never have. Yes, I love him," I said simply. I looked at the plant and smiled. "I know he loves me, too – the Force truly blessed me with such a companion. As Jedi we are trained to avoid acting on emotion, and that often means a Jedi doesn't display it. Some more than others. I'm afraid Obi-Wan too often hides his heart."
"Unlike his master," Padme said. I merely nodded.
"I wish he were more open with his feelings, but he can be nothing other than what he is. He is a good man and he will be a good Jedi, even a great one. I can't ask for more than that, really."
Padme smiled in understanding. She hesitated, and then leaned forward a bit, mindful of her headpiece.
"Was he undercover on Tatooine – or had some misfortune undertaken him and he was truly a slave there? I recognized him, you know."
My throat suddenly was tight. "Your highness – Padme, his story is not mine to tell. What was, however, is behind us, and the Council is knighting him for his actions."
"He must be pleased."
"He is overwhelmed with everything that has happened to him lately," I admitted. "Padme, I must thank you for all your kindness to young Ani. You must know by now that he has been accepted for Jedi training, and that Obi-Wan has accepted him as his own padawan learner."
She nodded and her face softened at his mention. "He is a very special young man. Had he been denied training, I would have offered him a home here. The Hero of Naboo would not have been turned away." Her smile was mischievous and she winked at me.
"That would have been very kind of you," I blurted, taken by surprise.
"He will always be welcome here. Had he stayed, I am sure he would have made me his wife in a few more years, as he declared. I should not have been able to stand against his persuasive powers." Padme smiled, and stood up. Suddenly she was the queen again. "I hope we meet again."
Obi-Wan came to see me as soon as he returned from Ilum. Of course, I wanted to see his lightsaber and was reaching for it almost before he had taken a seat or had a chance to ask how I was. He merely grinned as he handed it over.
"I can see you're recovering," he offered dryly as my hand lifted from my side.
"Hmm, yes," I muttered and grinned back at him. "It's your influence, my padawan. Now let me see it."
I turned it over and around in my hands. "It does work, right?" I teased him.
"I tested it this time," he protested. We were both remembering his first lightsaber, now lost. Obi-Wan had been so proud when he had built it, but when he first powered it on, nothing had happened. His young face had clouded with disappointment and he thought he had failed entirely.
Once I pointed out the minor connection problem, Obi-Wan had quickly fixed it and it sprang to life. I never had to explain the obvious to Obi-Wan, though I often had to point it out to him in his younger days.
He didn't seem inclined to speak of the visions he had had to face this time, but when I gently probed he admitted it hadn't had the impact of his first trip there.
His face tightened a bit, and he said quietly, "I know how to die, if I need to, not just how to accept death." I must have looked as startled as I felt, for he gave a funny grimace.
"It's better than…feeling like the entire galaxy has collapsed into darkness to leave me alone."
"Tell me," I urged gently.
He raised his eyes to meet mine and shrugged.
He still wouldn't speak of his first trip and the visions that had so shook him. That vision still haunted him, somewhere deep inside it was obvious, for his voice had sounded suddenly hollow and full of an aching grief that I had never seen in him before, except that one time.
I laid a hand over his, and waited for it to stop trembling. "You will never be alone, Obi-Wan," I said firmly. "Never. You will always have the Force. I promise."
His breath caught in his throat, and he looked at me as if memorizing this moment, this conversation for some future moment when he would have need to recall it. I kept my hand on his until he smiled and banished the memory.
"You're right. I will always have the Force to comfort me."
It was really the first time, and it turned out to be the last time, he ever referred to those visions. I hope whatever they are, they never come true. I will never forget the sight of thirteen year-old Obi-Wan shuddering, and stiff with pain at something he foresaw in his future. Obi-Wan deserves a future so much better than the one he fears may come to pass. Perhaps Anakin, the Chosen One, will prevent it from happening. That is my fervent wish.
Yes, the Chosen One may indeed affect my padawan's future in ways that I can't possibly envision.
"It's a very well-constructed lightsaber," I observed as I handed it back to Obi-Wan. "Now be sure you never tarnish it by getting it wet while lit."
"I learned that lesson long ago," he said ruefully. "You had to save both of us since I had been careless. That scared that lesson into me."
"Good, then. Take care of it, and it will take good care of you."
"Yes, Master."
I didn't see much of Obi-Wan on the trip home to the Temple. He spent most of his time with young Anakin and Yoda, preparing the boy for his new life, instructing him on what he could expect to face, what classes he would attend and basic behavior. At the Temple, Yoda instructed the oldest younglings and youngest initiates, so Anakin was getting some good one on one education.
It would not be easy for Anakin to fit into the tempo of Jedi life, at least at first. I understood that, and was pleased that Obi-Wan understood that himself. He was trying to deepen his connection to Anakin in this less stressful time, with the hope that it would help Anakin through any rough patches.
At other times, when I reached out through our bond to check on him, I found Obi-Wan in meditation, preparing for his own return. How would he be accepted there after his long absence? He had disappeared and now he was returning a knight. The Jedi would welcome him, of course, but it was bound to be a bit awkward at the same time.
As usual, he didn't seek my counsel and I couldn't say I blamed him. He always tried to deal with his own emotions himself since that day long ago when I had told him I was allowing him to learn to fly with his own wings. That had only been only a year or so before he disappeared on Phindar. Now that the Council had granted him knight ship, he would see it as his responsibility to deal with whatever emotions he harbored.
Some of that time I spent plain conversing with young Anakin, for the steady instruction he was being given all but bored him stiff, plus I got the sense the expectations placed on him scared him a little.
"Is it all going to be boring lectures?" He came to my side after one session, demanding I tell him no.
I merely looked at him, trying to catch up to his train of thought. "Which one?" I sighed.
"My master," he said unwillingly. "He talks but all he does is lecture. He puts me to sleep. Don't Jedi ever have fun? But the other one," that was Master Yoda to all but Anakin, apparently, "he scares me."
Considering Yoda's experience with the younglings, that surprised me the most and I am sure my face showed my confusion. "Master Yoda? Why does he scare you?"
Anakin looked down, and his eyes looked up warily. "He doesn't think I should be a Jedi. He sees into me, and doesn't like what he sees."
So Anakin was perceptive enough to pick on Yoda's reservations. I wasn't going to lie to him, but I wanted to ease his mind as much as I could.
Trying not to laugh, I said, "Master Yoda sees many possibilities in all things. The Unifying Force is his strength. No doubt he sees some possibilities ahead for you that concern him. He's been known to have some concerns about all of us, including Mace Windu. Even myself. I wouldn't worry about it."
He didn't answer me, and I wasn't going to push him.
"So all Obi-Wan does is lecture you, huh? I'll have to have a word with him," I said, changing the subject off Yoda.
"Well, not exactly 'just lecture' me," Anakin said, a bit reluctantly, and his brilliant grin popped out. "But it seems I won't get to do anything exciting or fun until he makes sure I know what to do and how to behave and all that stuff."
"Oh. Well, you will be expected to learn 'that stuff' if you don't want to stand out. He's trying to be helpful, you know. Eventually you'll get to the fun stuff, just give it time and your master time. He's new at this, too, you know." I winked at him. Anakin just sighed.
This just might be a bit enjoyable for me. Force knows Obi-Wan had driven me up a wall a few times, and I had frustrated him plenty of times. Now I got to watch all this happen to my former padawan and his own padawan. The hard part would be minding my manners and not offering all sorts of well meaning advice.
"You'll be glad for all this information when we arrive at the Temple, Ani," I finally said. "Then you'll make new friends, and life won't be nearly so un-fun. I'll give you a tip – laugh at your master's quips – you know, jokes. He thinks they're funny."
A broad smile broke over Anakin's face. "Oh. Thanks, Qui-Gon," he said and hugged me. I hugged him back. It felt wonderful, to have small arms around my neck again. My padawan was a grown man now, a knight and I would probably get no more hugs from him. Here was the next generation of hugs.
It felt good to be alive.
I spent most of the trip sunk into a healing trance, for I was determined to be in the best health possible for Obi-Wan's knighting ceremony. I wanted nothing to mar the occasion; Obi-Wan would focus on nothing but the ceremony if I had any say about it and I didn't want him worrying about me.
My chest still hurt if I exerted myself or even laughed or cried hard. The healers told me I would always be weak due to my injury and would not be able to take on any strenuous missions.
Our return was relatively low key. The Council quickly went their various ways. Yoda took Anakin off to spend his first few nights in the initiates quarters. I knew Obi-Wan wanted to keep Anakin with him, but Yoda and I both knew that Obi-Wan also needed a few days to adjust, catch up with friends, and prepare for his knighting. We had discussed this, and Yoda put all the force of the Council behind him when he spoke to Obi-Wan.
"Your friends wait for you in the Senior Padawan common room," I said, giving Obi-Wan a little shove. "Go see them. I'll be in our old quarters, fixing you one last meal before you move into your new quarters. You are staying in your old room until I say otherwise."
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan said, rolling his eyes. "As you wish, Master."
"Oh, go on with you, brat," I said affectionately. I stood and watched him leave, feeling suddenly lonely. We had teamed up over twelve years ago, and despite the sometimes difficult moments between us, we had found a deep friendship. We would always have that, but Obi-Wan had a padawan now. He would be busy with young Anakin, and we would see little of each other. There wouldn't be time, and there would always be missions to occupy us.
"Sentimental old Jedi," I muttered as my throat tightened, and I headed to my quarters to take stock of my food provisions. Obi-Wan would get his favorite meal, and I needed to prepare.
I couldn't help myself. The common room where Obi-Wan was headed wasn't too far out of my way. My footsteps almost automatically took me there and I stood outside the door, smiling as I watched and listened.
Bant, his dearest friend, a female Mon Calamarian, was openly crying against Obi-Wan's shoulder. I was pretty sure he must have tears running down his own face. He loved Bant dearly, and anything she felt, he did. Reeft and Garen Muln were surrounding them with unbelieving smiles, while other padawans stood nearby grinning.
Even Siri Tachi, who gave Obi-Wan a harder time than anyone, stood tapping her feet. She was pleased to see my padawan, though she was in the middle of speaking, crossly as usual. "…disappear on us and think to show up five years later! How dare you, Obi-Wan Kenobi."
I smiled, and turned to leave. Obi-Wan was welcomed back; I knew he would be.
Just as I left, I saw Siri lean forward and plant a kiss on Obi-Wan's lips, to everybody's hoots and hollers. Just before Obi-Wan's shields dropped down, I felt a little shock of surprise and pleasure jolt through him, quickly tamped down.
No doubt about it, he knew Siri was all woman. For just a moment he was focused on nothing but soft lips pressed to his – and it wasn't a chaste kiss, one between friends, yet it was tempered with regret and sorrow, a palpable ache that went deep.
I knew then that Obi-Wan had been touched by love, and would forever deny it. They knew that the two of them could never be together openly, and so had denied their feelings. The shock of this reunion had startled the truth out of them, and the moment had already been acknowledged and locked away forever behind tight shields.
It saddened me.
Obi-Wan deserved more than just my love; yet he could not accept that which had been given to him or return it.
Not if he was to be a Jedi.
