It took another ten minutes to bring Amy up to speed. The other PE crew members interrupted from time to time with questions, still not quite sure what to make of everything they were being told.
"So how long do we 'ave before dese flying brains of yers get here?" Hermes asked.
"Just under five hours. If we don't do something soon, all life on the planet is doomed."
"By Jah, it's Armageddon!"
The Professor crossed his arms. "This won't do. I already called dibs on Armaggedon, damnit! If any brain is going to destroy the planet, it's going to be mine! We must inform the DOOP!" Farnsworth shuffled through the door that did not lead to the conference room.
"Uhh Professor, where are you going?" Leela called after him. "There's a wall screen right here-" The doors swished closed.
"And I'll inform Da Central Bureacracy!"
"What good will that do?" asked Fry.
"None. But it will generate a lot of paperwork, and by Jah, if da world is gonna end I want to go out doin' what I love." Hermes stood from where he'd been sitting on the couch and headed in the same direction as the Professor. A moment later Bender followed him.
"Bender, where are you going?" Leela asked.
"Where I always go when the world is about to end, downtown to find good places to loot. Later, jerkwads!" The doors swished shut behind him.
When the robot had been gone for a few moments, Fry spoke up. "Umm Leela, can I help?" Amy nodded, having been just about to ask the same question.
Leela turned to them, surprised. "Well sure, but you don't have to ask me. I'm not the Captain anymore, remember?"
"I know, but you've always been better at, you know…" Fry's voice trailed off.
"Making decisions? Being in charge? Staying cool under pressure? Piloting the ship?"
"Yeah, that. Look Leela, I know that the Professor fired you or whatever, but just between us, could we pretend you're the Captain again?
Leela was taken aback. "You really want me to be in charge again?"
Fry nodded.
Leela turned to Amy. "What about you Amy, do you want me to be Captain again?"
Amy thought about if for a minute and then nodded. "Yeah. I have a date this Friday with Armando, and I'd kinda like to still be alive. I think I have a better chance if you're in charge. Uhh, no offense Fry."
Fry smiled thinly. "None taken."
Leela was silent for a moment. "Thanks guys," she finally managed. "This… really means a lot to me…" She had to stop for a moment to keep her emotions under control. "Alright, here's what we're going to do." Suddenly she was all business. A small part of her marveled at how easy it was to fall back into the patterns of command. "Fry, I need a special favor from you."
"Anything."
"I need you to go to my apartment and get Nibbler for me."
"Wait, what?" Fry looked confused, then hurt. "Please Leela, don't just give me some errand to get me out of the way. I can help, I swear."
Leela's eye widened in surprise. "Crap," she thought, "of course he'd think that." It wouldn't be the first time she'd given him some obviously invented task to keep him out from underfoot. "No, no Fry you've got it all wrong. I need Nibbler for… well it'll be a lot more believable if I explain it after you brought him back here. Please Fry, this is really, really important."
"Well…" Fry's eyes probed Leela's face, searching for some sign. Suddenly his face lit in a wide grin. Apparently he'd seen what he was looking for. "Alright, I'll do it!"
"Thanks."
Fry, now perhaps just a bit overzealous, threw her his best salute. It was a sloppy mess, and Leela still wasn't technically Captain regardless of what agreement she and her friends happened to come to, but Leela still appreciated the gesture. She smiled at him, and he grinned at her again. Then he turned and walked brusquely through the conference room doors.
Leela turned to Amy. "Amy, I need you to go through the Professor's lab and find anything that can be used as a weapon. The Professor is talking to The DOOP right now, but even if they believe him and assemble the fleet we'll need more firepower."
Amy nodded. "Sure."
Leela hesitated as a thought struck. "Hey, Amy. When I called you to ask to speak to Fry, why did you say he was gone on a delivery already? I know you were in the conference room because I could see the table in the background, and I know the ship was there because I saw Fry land it in the hangar when I landed in the lot across the street. If the ship was there, why would you think Fry was gone?"
Amy gave Leela an odd look. "Are you sure you saw Fry land in the hangar?"
"Yes, very sure."
"Huh. Well the ship wasn't there when you called."
Leela stared at her. "What do you mean it wasn't there?"
Fry chose that minute to come careening back into the room. "Umm guys, I think we have a problem!"
"Dear Me: I need to borrow the ship. You'll understand later, trust me. P.S. Don't let Fry overh-" Leela fell silent.
"Well, what else does it say?" Fry asked.
Leela turned the note over in her hand. There was nothing written on the back. "Nothing. That's all there is."
Fry scratched his head, confused. "Weird. Why would anybody write a note to themselves saying they took the ship? I mean, how could they not know they took the ship if they were the ones that did it?"
"Easy, because that person didn't know she was going to take it." Leela handed the note to Fry so that he could look at it. "That's my handwriting."
Fry peered at the wrinkled paper. It words certainly did look like they were scribbled in Leela's blocky script. Fry shook his head. "Wait a minute." He protested. "I've been with you ever since you landed. If you'd written that note and stolen the ship, I woulda noticed."
"Yeah, plus you were all surprised when I said the ship wasn't here," added Amy.
"Well yeah, but that's because I haven't written this yet." Leela said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Of course, after a few days of time travel, things like finding notes in your own handwriting that you hadn't written were no less ordinary than climbing into a hovertaxi on the way to the ape fight.
Fry stared at her. He managed a "Wha? But you just said-" before his mental gears started to strip.
Amy, who was just as confused as Fry but ashamed to admit to Leela that she didn't know what was going on, threw the delivery boy a look of pity.
"I said that the note is in my handwriting, not that I'd written it."
Fry's head throbbed. Wearily he lowered himself into one of the chairs around the conference table, letting the note slide out of his hand and onto the table. "Stupid confusing note," Fry thought to himself. "This is why I only read comic books." Leela wasn't making it any easier, either.
"Are you alright, Fry?"
"Yeah, sorry Leela. I'm trying to understand, but my brain's all hurty and stuff."
Leela smiled and placed a hand on the delivery boy's shoulder. "It's ok, Fry. I guess I'm just so used to this weird time travel-y stuff now that it doesn't seem weird to me anymore, but I guess I'm not explaining very well am I? Maybe Amy can help me out since she's not confused at all." Leela snuck a furtive glance in Amy's direction to see if the sarcasm would register. It didn't, as always.
"Anyway," Leela continued, "I'll bet this note is from the future. That would explain why it's in my handwriting and why I don't remember writing it. I haven't yet. And if I do write this in the future sometime, I'll know that I'm going to be the one that reads it when it gets found. Does that make sense?"
Fry nodded slowly, afraid that if he moved his head too fast the tenuous grasp he had on what Leela was saying would be dashed to pieces on the inside of his skull. "So… So some time in the future you're going to need to come back in time and steal the ship?"
"Borrow, but yeah. At least, that's what I think."
"But if it was you, then why did you write a note? You coulda just walked up to somebody and said you were going to take the ship. Nobody would've cared. Well, except for Hermes. He would've cared since you aren't the Captain anymore. But nobody else woulda cared."
"Maybe she was in a hurry?" Amy ventured.
Leela nodded. "That's my guess. That would explain why I stopped writing in mid sentence, and why we found it just lying there in the middle of the hangar floor."
The door to the conference room swished open. Professor Farnsworth came shuffling out, a look of annoyance on his face. "Ah, there you are," he said after spotting Leela, Fry, and Amy clustered around the conference table. "Leela, the DOOP needs to talk to you. And by the DOOP I mean Zapp Brannigan."
Leela groaned. "Do I have to?"
"I'm afraid so. Captain Brannigan refuses to help until he speaks to you personally."
Again Leela groaned. There were things worse than death. Talking to Zapp Brannigan was one of them. "Alright, I'll be there in a min… Hey, wait a minute. Professor, aren't you curious about what happened to the spaceship?"
"The wha?"
"You know, the intergalactic spaceship that you designed yourself. The one that was parked here just a few minutes ago?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
Leela rolled her eye but didn't press further. The senile old man would remember eventually. She pressed a button on her wrist console. According to the built in clock, it was 8:35. Between trying to explain everything to her former coworkers and the sudden disappearance of the ship Leela had managed to eat up an entire hour. It was time to get things moving, or there would be hell to pay.
"Fry, I need you to go get Nibbler for me. Now."
Fry jumped out of his chair at the sudden urgency in his friend's voice. "Aye aye Capt- I mean, Leela." Just in time he remembered that Farnsworth was in the room. It probably didn't matter if the old man overheard, since it was doubtful that he even remembered firing Leela in the first place, but now was not the time to explain that he had agreed to take orders from someone who didn't even work for the company anymore. At a nod from Leela, Fry sprinted out of the room.
"Wait Fry, you need the password to my d-" The delivery boy was gone. "Oh well," Leela sighed, "He'll figure something out."
"Well, I guess I'd better go talk to that pompous windbag." Leela cringed at the prospect. Was the survival of the universe really worth having a conversation with Zapp Brannigan? The cyclops thought for a moment. Yes, but just barely. Leela strode to the room's large video screen. She hesitated before turning it on. "Oh, and Amy, I need you to find those weapons for me."
Amy nodded. "Right." The intern started to walk off but turned around after she'd gone only a few steps. "Professor, could you help me? I need to find things in your lab that we can use to blow stuff up."
Farnsworth's face lit up like an eighty-watt light bulb. Suddenly he liked where the conversation was headed. "Blow stuff up, you say?" The wicked glee on the Professor's face would have sent school children running for their mommies. "My yes, I think I can help you do that, hmm yes, most definitely," he said as he and Amy started to walk off.
Leela turned back to the video screen. She pressed the power button The device told her that somebody was on hold on line 1. With a sigh of resignation Leela pressed one final button. The screen was filled with a familiar face.
"Hello Zapp."
"Ah Leela, there you are. I was beginning to wonder if that senile Professor friend of yours had forgotten I was on the line, just like all those other times I called and he had to go look for you."
Leela crossed her arms. "He didn't forget those times either. I just never answered the phone. Now can we get on with this please? The world is coming to an end in just over four hours."
"Yes, these flying brains I've been hearing so much about. I've always suspected that nerds would one day rebel and conquer the planet, but I'm afraid I'm going to need something in return before I put wave after wave of my trusted men at your disposal."
"Uh-huh. And what exactly do you want in return?" Leela's eye narrowed, having guessed the answer before it was stated.
"Well, you could sleep with me."
Leela made as if to reach for the wall screen's off switch. "Forget it. I'd rather let the world come to the end." Her hand stopped an inch from the switch, where Zapp couldn't see it. If she wanted any chance of enlisting the DOOP's help she would need to have Captain Brannigan on her side, but if she even hinted at how much she needed him he'd walk all over her.
Predictably, Zapp fell for the bluff. "Wait! I mean, uhh… a date?"
"No."
"Two dates?"
Leela sighed. The man was a moron. "How about another double date?" The bile rose in her throat. "Steady, Turanga," she told herself. "You're doing this to save the lives of everyone you care about."
Wincing, Leela continued. "Amy and Kif, me and…" She forced herself to say it. "Me and you."
Zapp grinned. "A double date, you say? I knew you couldn't resist me. Hard to blame you, though. Very well, I will inform Kif as soon as he's done bleaching my gym socks."
"Yeah, you do that." Inwardly she tried to console herself "It's alright. Don't throw up. You can just weasel your way out of this later. Besides, look at the bright side. There's a good chance that you won't survive long enough to have to worry about it."
Zapp hung up. Leela collapsed into a conference room chair, suddenly feeling like she desperately needed a shower.
"Identity test failed. Access denied."
Fry cursed under his breath. "Stupid future people. Why can't they just put a key on the welcome mat like I did?" He pressed the button again.
"Identity test failed. Access denied."
"Let me in!" The delivery boy pounded on the button. What a day for Leela to forget that she'd locked her apartment.
"Identity test failed. Access denied."
Much longer and people would start to notice the commotion in the hallway. Still, there was no way Fry was going back to Planet Express empty-handed and explaining to Leela how he'd been too stupid to ask her how to get into her apartment.
He pressed the button again. "Open, dammit! This is an emergency."
"Identity test fai- Emergency subroutines activated." There was a moment's pause, after which the door's flat, recorded voice was replaced with the calm, melodious tones of a young fembot. "What is the emergency?"
Fry took a step backward. He took a quick look around, deciding that yes, this new voice really was coming from right in front of him. "I need to get into Leela's room," he explained to the door. "She asked me to get her pet for her."
"That doesn't sound like much of an emergency." The door's voice carried a hint of annoyance now.
"Well uhh, you see…"
"Name?"
"Uhh… Phillip Fry."
There was another moment of silence. "Phillip Fry, Turanga Leela has listed you as having access to her apartment in the event of an emergency. Please touch your finger to the green button on my control panel."
Fry did as he was told.
The door's voice reverted to the recording. "Scanning… Identity confirmed, Phillip Fry. Access granted." The door swished open.
Fry ran into Leela's apartment, stopping in the middle of the main room. "Here, Nibbler Nibbler Nibbler!" he called.
There was a small sound. Fry whirled, startled. It was only Nibbler. The little furball was standing with his back to the wall, not five feet from the open doorway. Fry relaxed.
"Aww, poor guy. You musta heard me banging on the door and gotten scared." Something is the creature's stance made Fry wonder if that was really the case.
Nibbler made some meaningless spluttering noises and waddled over to the delivery boy. Fry scratched the base of his eyestalk. "Leela sent me to come look for you. There's a bunch of big brains coming to blow up the planet, and for some reason that means I had to come find you." Fry couldn't figure out why he was bothering to explain this to a dumb animal, but for some reason it just seemed like the right thing to do.
For a few moments Nibbler just stood and stared, openmouthed. Then he went into a frenzy, running around the room jabbering crazily. Suddenly he was out the door and headed for the stairs.
Fry cursed and raced after him.
Nibbler rounded the landing and headed for the last flight of stairs with Fry hot on his heels. The delivery boy stole a glance upward, praying that in the split second his attention was off the step in front of him he wouldn't trip and kill himself. Up ahead was a short hallway and then the building's front exit. The door was closed.
Fry grinned. "Gotcha- oh crap."
The door swung open. An old woman started to walk through the threshold and then stopped, startled at the two figures hurtling toward her. Hurriedly she backed out of the way.
Nibbler reached the floor and saw his chance. He lunged. Fry tried for a tackle but missed, rolled, was up on his feet again.
Fry burst into bright sunshine. He looked around him, dazed. There. Nibbler was running full tilt down the sidewalk. Fry sighed and started running.
How something the size of a raccoon could run so fast and so far, Fry had no idea. All he knew was that he couldn't keep up for much longer. Years of fleeing alien death rays had made him a good sprinter, but stamina was something that he'd never had.
Fry lost track of the Nibblonian as he cut through a crowd that was waiting for the bus. Fry dodged the mob and reacquired his target as he disappeared around a corner. Gritting his teeth, Fry forced himself to speed up. There was no way in hell he was going back to Planet Express and explaining to Leela that he'd lost her pet in the city streets.
Slowly Fry gained ground. Two more blocks went by. The delivery boy's lungs were on fire. Nibbler began to pull ahead again. If he didn't do something soon, Nibbler would get away.
Up ahead, a familiar face. "Bender! Get him!" Fry wheezed.
Luckily, robots have excellent hearing.
"Huh?" Bender turned at the sound of his name. In a split second he took everything in. The running alien, Fry struggling to keep up with him, the look of urgency on his friend's face; it all flashed through his CPU at the speed of light. He made a decision. His right arm shot out and smashed a nearby shop window. Nibbler was startled by the sound of the shattering glass. The little black ball of fur stumbled over his own feet and crashed headlong into Bender. The robot reached down and picked him up.
"Thanks, Bender," Fry gasped as he came jogging up to his friend. "Another minute or two and I woulda lost him." The delivery boy stood bent over with his hands on his knees, gasping for breath.
"Whaddya mean, thanks?" Bender asked indignantly. With his free hand he swiped the expensive Rolexes that were sitting in the shattered display window. "I was just mindin' my own business, doing some pre-disaster looting, and this furry little jerk crashed right into me." Sirens blared in the distance. "And speaking of looting, that's my cue." Bender started to walk off, still clutching Nibbler around the waist. The Nibblonian was trying valiantly to wriggle free, but to no avail.
"Wait, Bender!" Fry pleaded, still winded. "Leela wanted me to bring Nibbler back to Planet Express."
"Fine. Then take him." The robot held out his still-struggling captive.
The sirens drew closer. Fry hesitated. He'd already almost lost Nibbler once. He wasn't quite sure he wanted the opportunity to do it again. What on Earth had gotten into Leela's pet anyway?
Bender grew impatient. The police were going to arrive any second. "Alright, fine. I'll help you take him. Now let's get the hell out of here."
