Story: Hope of Morning, Chapter 8
Disclaimer: As always I don't own Durarara!/DRRR! (What's the point of the disclaimer, anyway? I mean... I don't think these stories would even be on this site, if it wasn't fanfiction, would it, or am I somehow wrong...? = - = ^w^
Replies to Reviews for Chapter 7 -
inlovewithshizaya: Well, I hope I did a good job writing this one, but I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far~! ^^
Guest 2: Our Shizu-chan really is nice isn't he~? ^^ As long as you don't anger him of course. Well after writing this one, Namie or our dear Shiki-san, or at least one of them, seems to be up to something, ne~? Well, only time will tell, am I right~? ;)
pocket-cheese: This might explain some of Izaya's own personal theories for it, but there will be other details of it, but lot of it, you can say, should be revealed eventually. And it'll take sometime for Izaya to actually start remembering much of anything, but reasons and official explanations will be given eventually. ^^ (Awesome username, btw~! =w=)
Mizu Ryujin: Thank you~! It is hard for me, personally, to write details like that, so I hope this one is as good as the last one, if not better, for I really did try~! =3
Warnings: Talk of physical abuse. Anxiety, panic attacks(from my own experience) 'Minor' detailing of past self-harming. Major attempt at bonding. Backstory(um... is that a warning...?), and possible minor spoilers for some of canon Izaya's past, and some minor(language), as well as some very brief mentions of views on the afterlife, you may or may not agree with.
Also, keep in mind that in this story there aren't going to be any real non-canon pairings (as nice and lovely and beautiful as Izuo and Shizaya and many others are at times to me ^~^), but I have tendency to like 'innocent misunderstandings', especially in in character fanfictions and writing, so... um you might wanna bear that in mind, ne~? ^-^
I feel like this something about this chapter isn't that great, but I swear I did try!
Shinra's Apartment
"To be honest, you weren't really that great of a person... In a way, you were using people's own feelings against them..."
"Also, I am aware that you had dealings with Yakuza so you'd better be careful, Orihara-san."
"Seriously though, having gotten attached to you could've been extremely dangerous for both parties even..."
"Neither you nor Shizuo-kun ever liked each other, but you know... It might have been nice if you two could've became friends, but, unfortunately... by now, to be honest, I don't you nor him would ever be able to make up to each other... But, even so, at the same time with him, at times, he has surprised me..."
"Just so you know..., a lot girls could've died because of you... You were often practically daring teens to just commit suicide..."
"I don't know, but I guess you could say I just always saw you as lonely, but satisfied, as well as very often... just... unstable, nearly always off of your rocker, or something like that. You were really smart when it came to predicting the choices people were going to make..."
"Even so, you were still one of my only friends in this world..."
He stood in the shower, allowing the water enough time to warm up, before he stepped in, only slightly relaxing underneath the hot stream of water surrounding him. He glanced down at his quivering hands, as the water continued to soak his body and hair, and he found himself feeling an odd sense of numbness beginning to consume him. After having happened to notice a large scar on his throat when looking into the mirror, he couldn't remember much of anything about it, but he didn't need to, because he just knew enough to know what it had to have been. Realizing that he probably had amnesia because of extreme mental strain(not that he typically cared to claim that he had ever even had any kind of 'huge burdens' to deal with, because he just 'didn't care' to talk about himself)and strain of surviving a suicide attempt could've just possibly done his sanity in, or something like that. It sort of would make sense to him, but as he thought about it, he realized Shinra hadn't said anything about it to him because he probably thought it would've been 'extra stress' of sorts. Not that he really minded, though... It was fairly considerate, he had to admit. So neither one of them had or would probably ever say anything about it to each other for a long time to come...
And he just stood there, thinking. About what? Nothing really in particular, or maybe he didn't want to find anything to think about. This was the second time he'd used Shinra's shower. The first time, he'd been so tired, he pretty much just got it done as fast as he could, but this time..., he didn't particularly want to seem to want to rush to get the shower over with. With this thought in mind, he nonchalantly began trailing two of his fingers over the 'once clean and porcelain-like' skin.
Scar after scar, lined up in an almost diagonal row, from elbow to wrist on each arm; It'd been so long ago, but they still gave him so many annoyingly mixed feelings, especially right then. Something about even looking at them was uncomfortable to him, personally, but at the same time, addicting. Way back when his father had started doing the stuff he had, well..., he had just happened be one unfortunate human to caught up in his bastard father's lonely and miserable life outside of his job. Even his own mother hadn't really ever believed him for a long time and would constantly say stuff to him like, "Honey, you shouldn't try to provoke your daddy all the time like that. If you actually tried to smile at him once in a while, and be nice and give him a chance, things might would go better, and you both would be able be able to be happy for once."
She'd said that, as if he had seriously been 'trying' to provoke that monster, and like he was doing something bad himself, when, in truth, she had absolutely no idea what he was doing all that time whenever she left for work, and she treated it with the thought that they were both to blame, when there was absolutely no logical reasoning whatsoever for nearly anything that... madman had been doing. As if 'being nice' would have ever helped his situation, back then. However, being the person he was, he wanted to prove that, to himself, he was right. He'd pretty much just stopped 'caring' about it all together when he realized that nobody at all was really even listening to him, and, in truth, he didn't even care that they weren't listening.
The reason he decided to try to 'be nice', after that, was because somebody with the position of 'authority', mother or not, had suggested it, and well, he was just curious, at that point, how she would act if she realized he was right, and she was wrong. The sad irony of it, however, was that it was only after the twins were born, that some things were actually finally coming to light for a change, but by that time, the damage had already been done, and he couldn't even care any more. As far as he was concerned, if it'd actually taken a near death situation with Mairu and a visit to the hospital to snap his mother from her conceited delusions that everything was... just a little 'unsafe', it was rather too obvious she'd never actually loved him, as well as having failed to even want to see the situation for what it even was.
So, naturally, whenever she'd finally apologized to him for not listening and believing him before, he hadn't hated her, believed her, nor even resented her for it. He just didn't care to trust her or anyone anymore, after seeing that she still wasn't very good at supporting or encouraging him. She never had, in fact. Over time, he'd begun keeping everyone at a 'safe' distance from himself. Even after she'd began 'protecting' them from him, it was still just too late to fix him, as he couldn't help but feel like she was probably doing it just out of obligation as a 'mother'. She wasn't actually doing it because she cared. She hardly had every taken much of any time tell her own children, that everything would just be okay. But you know what? He couldn't care less what she did anymore. Not to mention the fact that she was hardly ever around to even really talk to them, or him. Every human out there was the same in that regard, he'd decided.
Sometime later, both Shirou and Kyouko had gotten simultaneous jobs as traveling business man, and suddenly began taking off and ultimately leaving him in charge of babysitting the twins whenever they, and he, weren't in school. It was actually sort of... ironic to him, though. As much as he hated his father, he could help but despise that dreadful silence at times even more than all the hell he'd had been put through by that man. In fact, it couldn't even begin to compare to it. As jacked up as it would sound, you could even say he'd become reliant on the sound of shouting, glasses breaking and physical pain, because it let him know he was at least alive.
That was one major reason that he could say he liked being at school, and loved surrounding himself by humans so much. Most of the teachers, as well as various students, seemed to think of him as a "bit of a alien", but didn't particularity mind him nor like him. Because of the fact he'd been able to fit in with the crowd without actually being a part of it, he had also became a fairly popular student later on elementary school, even becoming the vice president of some of his classes as well as other things.
On the other hand, he still preferred to remain detached on a personal level from anyone around him, and didn't usually go out of his own way to strike up a conversation with anyone. He also happened to come of as a bit of a loner, with how he never really wanted outside whenever everyone else did, instead choosing to remain in the library. Perhaps it was anxiety, or just a fear of a personal relationships in general, but that was just the type of boy he was or had become over time. And he had decided that that was the way his own life was suppose to stay. You could say that was how he wanted it to stay. Sure, at times, he might have wondered why he felt the way he did, when nobody else around seemed to feel that way, but he'd eventually stopped thinking about his own little form of loneliness, and just accepted it as being his normal, and he became satisfied by that loneliness itself, as long as there were people around that he could watch observe.
When he was around other people, no matter who they were, he didn't actually have to think for himself for a change, and instead he could 'fulfill his own emptiness of sorts', by just taking in the crowd from a bit of a distance, never getting to close to people, nor keeping too far away from them. In a strange way, it was like he was filling his head and himself with other people's emotions and feelings, instead of his own, because his own had become so 'boring' and frustrating, and too troublesome for him to even begin to understand or comprehend. So, with that said, he was content, in just being able to experience and hear about all the different things; struggles, hopes, happiness, fears, fun, and grief other people were witnessing throughout in their lives.
At school, he could say all of the above just allowed him to actually feel... real, and like he was actually a part of the world, while at home, he felt the exact opposite.
Then, before he knew it, the stress, cold emptiness, loneliness, frustration, anger and depression started building up during the dreadful time he was home alone each day with the twins, and it began taking it's toll on him, considering they were a bit too young to communicate or process much. At least his parents did have enough 'love' in them to leave, though, to leave some food for them to eat and a couple other major necessities. Anything else, he had to find the money together to buy, such as clothes and drinks and stuff.
Every day was practically becoming unbearable for his own sanity's sake. A couple times he had considered the idea of leaving the house on his own accord, but just pushed away those ideas, because of the bitter reminder of what could, alongside that which would, happen if he left Kururi and Mairu alone for even a little too long, even though he had pretty much given up caring if anyone did so happen to beat him again. He supposed that it was being human, and the natural instinct to not want to get hurt physically or especially otherwise, by other people or beings in general; In other words, to survive.
No matter what he told himself, however, he still hated that silence so much that he was almost sure it was driving him mad, and he kept subconsciously wishing his father would just come back and do something to him or the house already.
Months passed by, and soon enough, accursed 'fears' suddenly kicked in, practically without any warning, and he became absolutely terrified of the prospect of what he was sure would become of his being when he died. He didn't know where those thoughts had even came from. It was just a 'realization' that just happened to dawn on him own day, and came into his head after watching a some stupid movie in class. He didn't even remember what it was, and nor did he even care to. He assumed that the only reason that the fear had never seemed to bother him before that was most likely because, being a child of sorts up until then, he'd never once given much thought to it.
"I don't want to die... I don't to die... I don't want to die..." he'd cried to himself in complete utter inner terror, over and over that evening, later resulting in earning himself a bad migraine, but even now, with certainty, he still feared it just as much as back then. If not, a lot more. He wanted his consciousness to exist forever, no matter what, because the prospect of not even being to hope or even being able to experience 'nothingness' had struck him with a personally horrifying sense of dread which he couldn't even explain, himself, if he tried, and it had very often daunted him to this very day.
How or why he was somehow able to push aside a weakness like that, and try to commit suicide, despite that, was honestly beyond his understanding or belief.
He had fully been aware that his mind was just messed up, and sometime after apprehension and e, another four to five months later, it just happened; he nearly-backslash-completely snapped. His anxiety, and every single thing going through his head; all of a sudden, none of it at all had been making any sense to him in his state of mind, and all the way up to the point that he was lying in a bathtub completely dyed in red, he kept telling himself that he was just overrating and scolding himself for wanting to cry over pathetic and pointless matters and thoughts. He had cursed himself and humanity over and over again for not being able to control his ridiculous thoughts and actions, and mused aloud with distaste for his own life up to then. All the he while, he couldn't even stop crying, and god how pathetic he felt back then, especially when he realized that he'd forgot to lock the door, and Kururi and Mairu ended up having been the ones to find him, and witnessing him in such a state that would normally be regarded as... horrifying.
Fortunately, seeing that they were as young and immature in their thinking as they had been, it didn't take much of a lie to fool them, and he doubted they even reembered that, by now. But lying to innocent children, like that. Man, how damn low could he have even gotten, he'd wondered.
In the end that 'one breakdown' had sparked a bad habit, for at least the next couple of years, despite how much he absolutely hated it.
In the meantime, while all of the turmoil had been going on in his head, he'd also began picking up on one other bittersweet habit, beside of the self harm(not that those thoughts and temptations had ever truly 'left' him), if he did say so, himself. Avoiding interrogation, and even darting around giving information about himself, as he hated focusing on himself, and his own background. He didn't like talking about it at all, therefore he decided that he wouldn't. Well, that, and he just... couldn't.
On the other hand(even at school), things around him were suddenly beginning to lose it's personal, emotional and psychological value to him, and it was becoming less and less interesting. Suddenly, there just wasn't as much to see anymore, and that seemed to 'disappoint' him, you could say.
Or so he thought.
And that 'so he thought' is most assuredly why he was there in Shinra's shower, thinking about all of those things, and why he was feeling as overwhelmed as he now was, he was sure. Earlier that day, Shinra and Kadota had told him about some of the stuff he'd 'indirectly' done to some people over the span of his life while they knew him. Shinra did also tell him the story of how they had met, and something about it did in fact seem to sort of piece together, and as they explained everything they could to him, answering any questions he may have happened to have, there were some sudden extremely vague recollections of such times, but none of them at all were even close to clear, and he hated that. At times, it really bothered him when he knew of something in specific, but that irritatingly enough, he didn't actually know about.
Typically, this kind of thing didn't bother him as much as it was then, but at that moment, he couldn't help but wonder why that was. The questions were practically gnawing at him on the insides, right now, and the sounds, or lack there of, was just annoying him. The shower should've been relaxing to him, or was suppose to be, at least, so why wasn't it? Why couldn't he just breath, damn it?!
To him this silence, or what felt like silence to him, rather, as far as he was concerned, was despairing. He couldn't stand any longer, nor keep his composure steady or stable, anymore. His feelings were once again beginning to take over, just like it had several times before in his life.
Anxiety.
Depression.
Anger.
Fear.
Irritation.
Longing...
Self-loathing and temptation...
One feeling kept coming after the next, flooding his mind, and piling up and mixing into one. This wasn't right. Nothing was right, at all.
"Izaya...?"
He was suddenly irritated with Shinra for having even told him everything that he had. No, he was just really frustrated and confused! Besides, he, himself, had strongly insisted to know everything he could. Oh, shit, what the hell was even on with everything around him? What the hell was going on in his head? What the hell was wrong with him? Why wasn't he ever happy? Why couldn't he be happy? It was his father's fault! No, his mother had never truly cared for him..., so she was just was just as guilty as him! Curse it all, curse all of them, because he didn't know what the hell he was even doing with his life right now!
He... didn't know what to do! He wasn't thinking straight at all! No, he couldn't think straight at all...
He... He was going nuts... He was sure... Just what the hell was even wrong with him?! Why was he suddenly blaming everyone for the way he was feeling right now? It wasn't Shinra's fault. It wasn't Kadota's fault. It wasn't Simon's, or Mairu's or Kururi's, or even...his father's nor his mother's fault... It was... his own fault, he realized, and suddenly, he was, in his own jacked up twisted mind, sorry to all of them for all of the problems and suffering he'd caused them... But... by now, he was ninety nine percent sure that by then it was far too late to change, when everyone already hated him and already sunk too far for his own satisfaction. He... He didn't to want to live, knowing that, at this point he was probably despised by the entire human race, but at the same time... It didn't hurt to try, did it...?
Ha... As if he could... It was as said before... ninety nine percent pointless to...
Still... Could there be hope for him if he did try?
...He couldn't help but want to ask. Maybe.
"I-Izaya...! What's happening...?! Hey, hey...! Calm down!"
He heard a voice, vaguely registering it as Shinra's voice, but couldn't bring himself to calm down, and kept his hands up, tightly clutching the sides of his head. He started cursing to himself, but his mind, or sense of logic in itself, couldn't really register why he was he was even doing anything at all.
"D-Don't touch me! Stay away from me! I don't want to be around you or anybody! I-I can't stop thinking, already...! I-I...! I-" he was breathing heavily and irregularly, until he suddenly felt two warm comforting hands around his own, as he cursed the weak and undeserving tears coming from his eyes which stubbornly refused to stop falling. He hated this. This felt wrong. He shouldn't be allowed to cry or feel bad for himself, now. He didn't deserve it. Yet, even after all the stuff he had done and supposedly done, Shinra... He was still there and had been all that time for him. He could feel a mix of both fear, yet an odd sense of thanks, yet also envy and spite. He could help but... want to be... more like Shinra and be able to 'care' for people like that, and in a sense that didn't just get them hurt, in the long run. Something inside of him aspired to want to be able to push aside his own comfort zone to be able to... truly love people in a positive way and be able to have true friends, and ones that he actually laugh with, rather than at. He wanted to be loved and appreciated just like Shinra.
But most of all... He wanted to be able love and appreciate himself...
"Hey, it's alright, now. Everything's okay. Calm down already, please...? Can you... look at me?" The voice spoke softly, as their gazes finally were able to meet. Izaya's crimson-brown eyes seemed to hold a look of internal despair, and he was still badly trembling, as well as being a little too over-alert for the doctor's complete comfort level.
"Shinra, I-"
"Stop it... You need to breathe, right now. Izaya, you were having a panic attack. Just stop talking and breathe, alright...?"
For the second time in his life, Shinra found that Izaya was actually trying to comply with him on something, rather than the other way around. Reaching over, he turned off the shower, then turned around to pick up one of his larger towels from a counter top nearby them, wrapping it around his black haired friend. The fact that this was Izaya actually made him feel sort of relieved for him, and content with the fact that this was at least some kind of a start. The doctor was truly hopeful that the raven might actually be going to try to let someone in for a change, and he seemed to feel sort of... special, in a sense that it was him that he was trusting, or even trying to trust.
However, while he was glad, down deep, that Izaya actually finally wanted to reach out for help, it also worried and frustrated him at the same time to know that the man had no real understanding of how to reach to someone, probably even himself. But, still... he had to think about who this was and how 'often', considering who this was, he actually ever recalled him having panic attacks, or even willing showing any kind of 'weakness' to anybody, and that was when he first truly realized it.
"O... Oi...," Izaya gazed away ever so slightly, a strange look of frustration, but pure exhaustion, in his eyes. "Shinra, sorry... but... would you... mind if I do something weird..?"
"Hm? Well, i-it d-depends what it is... I-" Shinra stuttered a bit, immediately taken by surprise, and hoping this wasn't leading to something else entirely. Not that he was really worried about Izaya regarding that kind of thing, because he, himself, had even said that he was asexual or aromatic or something like that at one point. He wasn't sure why, but he had always tended to remember those kind of things about people, as odd as it may be. Perhaps, it just had something to do with Celty's influence.
"My apologies... but it's kind of something... personal, I guess you could say... Sorry if it's rather weird, though... I was wondering if I could hold your hands to my face..."
Shinra was certainly beyond confused by the strange request, but complied anyway, seeing no real harm in doing so. He shrugged, smiling ever so lightly. "Sure, I guess. I don't really understand, but I don't mind."
And Izaya did exactly what he said he would, and gently, though he was still a bit shaky, held both of Shinra's palms his over his forehead, but also covering his eyes his own from his view. Studying what he could see, Shinra could tell that Izaya had closed them. As they sat there, he watched as Izaya finally began to grow a lot less tense and finally just relax. Could this have some sort of strange...coping skill? Physical touch... It would make sense, he supposed.
"Sorry, for worrying you. And hurting all of you, too. I really am a terrible person, aren't I...?" the raven seemed to give a smile sad.
He studied the raven's serene expression, and couldn't help but realize every single thing about it felt real to him, as apposed to all of the man's other distantly mocking trademark smirks and smiles. And he suddenly realized at that point that he wanted more than anything to see his friend smile for real, and out of true joy, and not trigger happy, at least once, because he knew for a fact that Izaya probably never been able to. To be honest with himself, it really hurt to consider that possibility. So, no matter what..., he swore to himself that he would do whatever he could to shape this into the friendship it should've been before.
"No," he smiled, then removing his own eyes from the man's face, so he could see them."it is true that not a lot of people like you after everything you've said and done, but... I believe that you're just as human as any of us, . All of us make terrible mistakes sometimes, but, look, it doesn't make you a terrible person, if you regret those things you did..."
"...Hah... Shinra You really believe that I can I change...? Is that suppose to be some kind of joke...?"
He met said doctor's eyes, not even knowing what the man was saying anymore, as tears spilled from the corners of his eyes as he gave him the most hurt smile he'd probably ever given before. "You're still going to believe that even after everything I've done...?!"
"Yes, I do believe it." Shinra replied simply without hesitance. "Celty believes it... Simon-san believes it... Kadota-kun believes it. Mikado-kun, Mairu-chan and Kururi-chan all believe in you as well..."
Izaya was silent for a second, before looking away, as he let out a pained but almost somehow amused chuckle. "Is that so...? ...Shinra, you really are... a total idiot, you know that...?"
"Ha... I may be one; you're right..., but do you know... who else believes in you...?" Shinra questioned studying him with kind and understanding eyes.
"..."
Shinra laughed a little at his friend's own reluctance to admit it. "You do, Izaya... Even I can see that. You want to change, don't you...? I know you do, because... you want to smile, too, don't you...?"
"...I... I don't know what you're talking about, Shinra." Izaya mocked, sarcastically, as he slightly sneered, but then smirked in satisfaction of sorts. The truth was, he would probably never fully understand Shinra, but suddenly, something deep down gave him an odd sense of satisfaction in that, like that maybe... for once it didn't even matter that he didn't fully understand someone. Maybe, it was better like that, for a person like him.
"I don't fully understand you, you know," Izaya gazed over at him, smirking again. "and nor do I think I ever will, but you know what? I think that... I don't need to, because... I already know what kind of person you are... And personally, I realize that maybe... I'm satisfied with that, in itself."
"I see. I'm glad, then." Shinra replied, smiling softly in return.
...
"Who is this?" Namie growled into the phone.
"Yagiri-san, you are his secretary, are you? Shouldn't y-"
"Look, I don't know what you're talking about. A month ago, he was, but as of right now, he's not, and I'm not his babysitter, either, so stop calling me already, or I will make all of you regret it!"
"Wait, we-"
"Sorry, but if you have any questions call the underground doctor, Kishitani Shinra. I don't have time to talk right now, and I'm very busy. Sayounara..."
And with that, she hung up...
~ End of Chapter...
What do you think Namie is up to? Where are the twins? And why in the ever loving blazes was our dear Dotachin alone? Sorry, I don't even know myself... Okay, I can answer the question about Dota-chin, though. It's simple - Walker and Erika(who dragged Anri along with her) were at an anime convention and...um what's an excuse for Saburo~? Ruri concert...? No, that's cliche... Maybe he got kidnapped...! Noooo! Togusaaa! I love his van, sorry... ;.; ^-^
A/N: I'm super sorry if it sucked! I hope someone appreciates this. I don't like ooc fluff with Izaya that much, unless it builds up for it, and I tried! T^T Sorry, but this was necessary for Izaya's recovery. There still will be dark themes, and quite a few of them, but this will probably be one of the few darkest chapters in this story. I almost feel ashamed of this chapter, though...! TTT^TTT Please tell me what you all think, please!
Please...?
PS: I'm wondering. I'm wondering... Who wants Masa-chan(Masaomi) to come in in this story? Do you guys him to play much of a role, or just for me to keep him as a possible background character? I love my Kida, but I also love. Izaya, even though they don't get along very well... Sooo, what do my dear fans say~? ^-^"
