The weeks that followed were difficult. Spending the weekend with his kids had done nothing to quell Ste's anger towards me. When he arrived back home midday Sunday, he had gone to Sinead's to visit Hannah ,and taken Matthew with him. They didn't return home until it was time for Matthew to be put to bed. Matthew asked for Ste to put him to bed, which he did, and Ste barely allowed me to give my son a kiss goodnight.

By the time Thursday came I found myself wishing Ste would shout at me. I realized it was a twisted way of thinking, but I badly wanted some form of attention from my husband I was willing to accept a negative interaction as proof he knew I was alive.

Ste was forced to acknowledge me on the weekend. A few weeks back, Leah had told Amy that Ste and I had shouted at each other. That confession had resulted in a long phone conversation for Ste, and since then he had been on his best behavior when his kids visited.

He spoke to me, but as little as possible, he used the kids as go betweens, and when he had to speak to me his tone was sharp and his comments were often cruelty disguised as jokes.

I focused my attention on the kids , which wasn't hard to do.


Leah was eager to tell me all about her gymnastics meet . We went out to the garden so she could demonstrate the skills she had learned. After her demo, we ended up kicking the ball around. Lucas wanted his turn in the spotlight, and showed off what he had been learning in football, it was adorable watching him teach Matty how to kick , and he even let him score a goal. We got a game going ,it was Ste and Leah against me and Lucas with Matty playing for both teams. The kids were smiling and laughing, Ste seemed to be enjoying himself. I thought all was well ,until Ste caught me in the face with the football. He claimed it was an accident, I wasn't certain of that, but he did help me clean my nose.

Fortunately I had no serious damage, and once the excitement of my bloodied nose had passed, the kids got busy with coloring, and I attempted to help Ste prepare dinner. He made it clear to me that I was in the way, and I wanting to keep things pleasant , I left him to cook on his own, and joined the children who were now building with Lego.

Soon I was down on the rug, helping Matthew and Lucas build the house Leah had drawn. In between laughing and joking, while we built, I helped Leah and Lucas construct a plan to convince Amy to get them a dog. When Ste entered the room to give us a 5 minute clean up warning before dinner, he looked at me with disgust in his eyes.

Just as we were finishing dinner, and the kids were making their case for being allowed sweets, Sinead came round with Hannah. Hannah, currently in a bout of separation anxiety, cried when Sinead handed her to Ste, and reached for me. Hannah settled immediately in my arms.

Sinead laughed and said " I guess we know who the favorite daddy is."

I smiled nervously and pretended that I hadn't noticed Ste's face.

" Kids are funny like that they change preferences as often as they need new nappies." I offered in attempt to keep the peace.

Sinead laughed again.

" I didn't know you were a comedian." Ste said in a voice that was more biting than sarcastic.

"Well- I think little lady might be getting a new daddy she loves-"Sinead stated before she paused dramatically , then waved her hand at us, flashing a large and gaudy ring.

"I'm engaged! Gavin and I are getting married!" She squealed.

"What already? Don't you think it's a bit fast?" Ste asked.

" You're one to judge! I've known him long enough to know how I feel, to know he's really the one this time." Sinead replied defensively.

"Congratulations." I said giving her hug. " Do you have a date in mind?"

"Nothing set in stone, but we're thinking soon. Gavin just got a job , and we're planning to move to Aberdeen-"

"Aberdeen!" Ste was shocked and I could see the anxiety on his face.

"Yeah that's where he's from."

"You're taking my baby girl to Aberdeen?"

"Nothing's been decided, but it looks like it,"

"I can't-"

I interrupted Ste by placing my hand on his shoulder " Why don't we work out the details later eh? the kids have been begging for a treat, I bet they'd love to celebrate with some banana splits."

"Sounds perfect!" Sinead agreed and walked by me and into the kitchen. Ste followed Sinead taking baby Hannah from me as he did. He bumped me into the wall as he walked by me. The bump was intentional ,he looked over his shoulder as if he was daring me to say anything about it.


The kids who were excited to hear the engagement news, Lucas announced a new puppy would be the perfect wedding gift, and Leah told Sinead she had to let her help pick the dresses and decorations.

Sinead left shortly after dessert, we spent the next couple of hours playing Simon Says, attempting to get Hannah to take her first steps and having a dance off. After the kids were cleaned up, changed into pajamas, had their story, and into bed, Ste and I cleaned up the house.

We worked mostly in silence. As we finished the last of the dishes, I asked Ste how he was feeling about Sinead's engagement.

"It's hard to get my head around it. They've only been together a few months, but if she's happy I'm happy, and Gavin is a great guy."

"He is."

"Why do you bring it up?"

"You seemed a bit tense earlier, and I know you're probably worried about them moving away, it has to be hard-"

"I'd rather not talk about it." We finished washing up in silence and went to bed.


The next morning I woke, to a text message from Ste saying he had taken Leah and Lucas to a farmer's market in London and they would be gone most of the day.

I was left to tend to Hannah and Matthew.

After giving them their breakfast, we headed to the park ,and made a trip to feed the ducks before returning home for lunch.

After settling Matty and Hannie for their nap, I checked my phone , there was not a single message from Ste.

When the kids woke from their naps it was raining so I built them a playhouse out of old boxes and blankets, they loved it. When the rain stopped we went out to play in the mud and puddles,and had just enough time to get cleaned up before Ste arrived home. By the time Amy and Sinead arrived, Ste, Lucas, and Leah had prepared a lovely meal with some of the food they had purchased at the farmer's market, and we all sat down to dinner. Dinner was a portrait of happiness, everyone had a smile, story or joke to share. However, once his kids had gone home with their mothers, Ste returned to ignoring me.


Tuesday morning arrived, and I was greeted with a kiss and a cup of tea from Ste.

"Good morning, beautiful!"

I didn't answer, but accepted the tea.

"Take your time. I'll get Matty to nursery. When you are ready, I made breakfast- it's waiting for you downstairs. Love you babe!" With another kiss he was gone. Apparently, a good night's sleep complete with heavy snoring was all Ste needed to forgive me.

When I arrived at school I received the first of several texts from Ste it read

"Hope you enjoy your lunch, Have a great day!' I replied to him complimenting him on breakfast, thanking him for lunch and wishing him a fantastic day.

When I took my lunch, I noticed Ste had included a love note with my sandwiches, nothing dirty, but it made me blush.

Just as I finished the note, I heard my phone buzz, Ste was calling me.

"Is that what you really think of me?" is how I answered the phone.

"So you've seen the note. Well, I do feel that way about you and so much more."

"Thank you… I wasn't expecting that."

"Are you blushing?"

"No."

"Liar, bet I can change that-" his voice trailed off

"Ste!" I exclaimed and looked around even though I knew no one had heard what he had just said.

"Bet you're red now." he teased.

"Did you call just to torture your husband?"

"No, that's just a bonus, I actually called to see if my husband was interested in having dinner with a few friends tonight."

"Who are you thinking of?"

"Mel and Cara, Jack and Drew, and Keira and Tim."

"Oh good crew. I like them."

"So? You're saying yes?"

"If I can find someone to look after Matthew-"

"Already taken care of."

"Oh. Then I suppose we're going to a dinner party tonight"

"Good! I'll see you later, you." Ste finished our chat by leaving me blushing again.


"Hiya!" I turned around in surprise to see Ste. He had just left me several messages ,none of them mentioned he was waiting outside to walk me home.

"Are you not happy to see me?"

"No. Of course not. I just didn't realize you were here waiting for me." I gave him a kiss.

" Well. I've got to keep you on your toes right?" he kissed me back and took my hand.

"I suppose so. How was your day?"

"Alright. Nothing to brag on. And you? You look tired."

"Teenagers are exhausting."

"I take it you had a tough day then?"

"Tough, would be a massive understatement."

Ste's let go of my hand and his eyes fired. "Is someone giving you trouble? I swear if they are-"

"No. No it's nothing like that. Just sassy kid stuff is all. Nothing to worry about and nothing a night out won't fix."

"That's good to hear."

"So have you found a sitter for Matty?" I asked changing the subject.

"Mel and Cara 's nanny , Emma, has agreed to look after the kids while we have dinner. Is that alright?"

"I'll have to meet her, but sounds fine to me."

Ste nodded in agreement.

"What is it?" I asked. Ste he stopped short before we crossed the street.

"Just admiring the view."

"Oh yeah how is it?"

"Dead gorgeous!" He said and smacked my backside.

"You're really trying it aren't you."

"Can't help it. You are looking very good today."

"Funny, I was just thinking the same thing about you."

"Oh yeah? I mean it blue is your color babe- not sure how I feel about you going to work lookin' like that. There isn't anyone I should be worried about is there?"

"Well there is Mr. Patel, but Raj is on leave this week so I think you're safe." I was feeling cheeky.

"Patel? Who is he? What does he teach? You've never mentioned him before."

"He started a few months ago. He teaches history, and I was joking Ste."

"Too right you were joking. I don't share , and I won't lose you to anyone. You. Are. Mine." He wasn't shouting, but his tone had lost they playfulness it had only moments before.

I slipped my hand into his. " I know - it was just a joke." My voice was just above a whisper and I felt small again.

"Good. Hopefully, Mr. Patel and everyone else does as well."

He put his arms around me and kissed me.

"Fancy a coffee or tea before we get Matty?"

I wasn't really interested in a coffee or tea, but I thought it was in my best interest to agree.


Evening arrived and Ste's mood was light again, I was feeling airy as well, it had been too long since we had been out for an evening with other couples. I was excited for some adult company that was not family.

Mel and Cara Michaels lived just outside of Hollyoaks in a fairly well to do area. Their home was lovely. Both Mel and Cara worked in medicine Mel as a doctor and Cara as physician assistant, they had been together 12 years ,and had two children, sons Alex and Samuel ages 6 and 7.

Ste and I met their nanny Emma and Emma's helper for the evening her little sister ,Maya age 13, when we arrived. Emma was a lovely young woman and Matthew took to her instantly. Maya was adorable and eager to please her older sister and charmed the little ones with ease. In addition to Alex, Samuel, and Matthew ,Emma was also looking after Keira and Tim's daughters Ruby age 5 and Lola age 3.

Keira and Tim Banks were Mel and Cara's in-laws as Cara was Tim's sister. Tim and Keira had been married for 6 years. Tim was an English teacher and Keira a chef. Keira and Ste had met several times on work occasions.

Rounding out our party were Jack and Drew Carey-Williams. Jack and Drew had been together for 4 years Jack a Maths teacher worked with Tim and Drew a midwife worked with both Mel and Cara.

Of all our couple friend,s I enjoyed this group the most, everyone was easy going and we always had a nice time together. Unfortunately thanks to work, kids, and in the case of Ste and I ,a separation, we had not met with them in months.

Coming up from the lower portion of the house, where we had left Matthew with Emma and the other kids, we were greeted by a fantastic aroma.

"Something smells fantastic!" I exclaimed.

" It's Aji de Gallina." Cara informed.

Dinner was lovely the food excellent , the conversation flowed easily, and after a dessert of prosecco jelly we retired to the living room.

"Cara, the dinner was fantastic you did an amazing job!" Keira complimented our host.

"Yes, I think I could have finished the entire meal myself." I agreed with the professional chef.

"You nearly did potsy." Ste said and pat my stomach for emphasis,

"I'm glad you all enjoyed it. I learnt it at my cooking class, and figured I'd try it out tonight. You lot were my experiment." Cara said accepting our praise with a chuckle.

The conversation moved from food to parenting, as 3 out of the 4 couples present were parents there were endless kid stories to share.

Keira and Tim were expecting their third daughter and Jack and Drew had just chosen a surrogate for their first child, so naturally the conversation turned to Ste and I, and if we had plans for children together.

"We're planning on another little one or two, maybe twins a boy and a girl to make it a perfect half dozen." Ste answered for us.

Keira and Drew "awed"

"Your own Brady Bunch- You're better men than me. The thought of being a father to 3 has me shook. I can't imagine more" Tim quipped.

"Soon?" Cara pried.

"Whenever this one , he pointed at me, wants to give up the juice." Ste answered for us again. and laughed as though he were joking instead of being crass

"I'd love another little one, maybe when Matthew's a little older." I answered honestly hoping to break up the awkwardness that just entered the room.

"Yeah, we should probably get him sleeping through the night first, if any of you have any tips for that please share- JP could really use them."

" Well I don't know about tots, but a strong brew with a splash of whisky always does it for me." Everyone laughed at Jack's joke, and Mel took the opportunity to freshen our drinks.

While Mel poured beverages the rest of us broke off into conversations Tim and I had a chat about our work as English teachers, his stories of his students had me laughing, when I momentarily looked over at Ste he was frowning at me and looked a bit sad, so I excused myself from Tim, and went to Ste . I reached for his hand, and he stepped away from me.

We ended the evening by splitting into teams , couples playing on opposite teams,to play Cards Against Humanity and Reverse Charades. Ste's team won both games. By the end of both games everyone but Ste was smiling and laughing, and we all agreed to meet again for another dinner party next month.


Matthew was asleep when the dinner party ended, he stayed sleeping as I carried him to our car and transferred him to his babyseat. Ste was still in a foul mood, he had rejected my hand again as we walked to the car, and was driving in silence.

"I had forgotten how much I like that group. Did you enjoy yourself tonight?" I asked cheerfully hoping to melt his icy attitude.

No answer.

"Ste!" I said a bit louder to get his attention.

"What are you shouting for?"

" I wasn't shouting. I-I thought you didn't hear me. I was asking if you had fun tonight?"

"I guess so."

"Your impressions were spot on- you had me in stitches."

"Yeah, I'm sure everyone just loved getting their eardrums split thanks to your stupid laugh."

"What?"

" Oh you didn't notice how annoying you were? I'm not surprised. You were too busy flirting and calling attention to yourself to notice everyone rolling their eyes and laughing at you. Honestly John Paul ,it's embarrassing. When are you going to grow up?"

" Okay. I -I don't know what I did wrong, Ste. If you're tired and rather not talk-"

He burst into laughter "You don't know what you did?"

"No I don't."

"Well let me help you remember."

He then proceeded to detail everything I had done wrong that evening, and describe everything he found offensive about me.

By the time we arrived home I was in tears. I put Matthew to bed, and decided to remain upstairs away from Ste and his wrath. I listened to music and started in on my new book, All The Light We Cannot See, that Nancy had recommended to comfort myself.

Ste joined me half hour later. When he entered our room he held up his phone. He had left his phone behind in our haste to make the party on time.

"She's taking my baby." Apparently, Sinead had left a message telling Ste that she and Gavin had set a date and that Sinead, Gavin, and Hannah would be moving to Aberdeen in 6 weeks time.

Ste sunk down on our bed. He was completely shattered. My heart ached for him, I couldn't imagine being hundreds of miles away from my child.

I held Ste until he stopped crying, we slept together, and in the morning he acted as though I did not exist.


I had the day off work. I sent Matthew to nursery so I could use the day to get errands completed. I was not expecting to find Ste at home when I returned for lunch.

Ste was surprised to see me as well , a more accurate description might be irritated. His body language told me all I needed to know about his disappointment at seeing me walk through the door.

"This is a nice surprise! I didn't think I would be seeing you until this evening." I said brightly.

As expected, he remained silent, but I was determined not to let him get away with ignoring me.

I set my things down and went over to him.

"Things slow at The Hutch?"

Still no answer.

"Ste! I asked you a question."

"What are you doing here?" he made no attempt to cover his annoyance.

" I have the day off." I remained calm.

"It's amazing how much free time they give you at that place. I guess you aren't that valuable."

I was determined not to let Ste manipulate the situation into an argument.

"Maybe, but it works out today- as I get to have lunch with my husband." I leaned over the sofa to kiss him, and Ste rolled his eyes at me and turned his head.

I pretended not to notice both actions, and went to the kitchen to fix our plates.

"As you know ,we don't have much in- haven't gone shopping yet. I was planning to get Matthew a little early - he loves the trolleys,anyway, I decided to get take away." I walked back into the living room, and placed our plates on the table, and sat down next to Ste on the sofa. "I hope you don't mind splitting it!

"I couldn't decide between Chinese or Indian, I decided on Indian, but you won't believe what happened on my way-"

Ste pushed his plate away from him.

"My god! Do you ever shut up? Do you think I give a single fuck about whatever stupid ,and most likely boring, thing that happened while you got your lunch? Here's a hint , I really don't care at all."

I placed my fork on the table, and covered Ste's hand with my own.

" I know you don't mean that. At least I hope you don't. You're upset, and have a lot going on. I worry about you when you get this way- you hold it in and-" Ste looked away from me for a moment.

I brought my hand up to his face and gently brushed the hair out of his eyes.

"I just know it can't be easy for you, everything that is happening with Hannah,I get that you might want quiet now, but I want you to know you can talk to me- be open with me, you don't have to be strong for me- I'm your husband, I'm your safe place."

I thought I saw his face softening, there was a brief moment of vulnerability in his eyes, but just as quickly his blue eyes blazed. He grabbed my wrist jerking my hand away from his face, took me by the shoulders, and shoved me hard down into the sofa. He was pinning me down, and he got in my face shouting at me.

" Are you backward? How many more ways can I say it, eh ?" He slowed his speech mocking me- " I don't want to talk to you. I don't care what you think, about anything , especially about my kids!"

He shoved me once more, before leaving, knocking over the take away as he went.

Ste didn't come home that night. He didn't text me to let me know where he was, or what he was up to, and I didn't bother to try and contact him. I lied to Matthew telling him he was at work when he asked where his "Tee- Tee" was.

It was Sinead who informed me of my husband's whereabouts. Always the classy one ,she sent me a text that read " Your man is sleeping with a gorgeous gal." followed by a picture of Ste and Hannah asleep on the sofa,Hannah was curled against his chest. Her next text was " Oh and this happened...guess she's daddy's girl after all." what followed that text was a video of the 10 month old taking her first steps to Ste.

The next morning, I came downstairs to find a bouquet of flowers waiting for me with a note from Ste apologizing for his behavior, asking me to forgive him, and to call him later.

He called me first, and he apologized , and asked me to forgive him. I wanted to tell him off ,but I didn't. Instead I forgave him and listened to him tell me about Hannah and her first steps. We ended our conversation by making plans for dinner, and Ste promising to sort out care for Matthew.


I was late for dinner, I got held up at school and told Ste I would meet him at the restaurant where we had reservations.

I had anticipated Ste would be annoyed with me for being late and act out, but when I arrived he greeted me with a warm hug and kiss.

After going through the menu I decided I wanted calzone. Ste frowned over my choice, but said nothing, but made a huge deal over wanting to make healthy choices and selecting something less fattening for himself . Feeling guilty, I switched to a Caprese salad. When our server returned for our orders, I went first requesting my salad, and Ste ordered the calzone. I wasn't sure what he was playing at, but after the server left he proceeded to tell me about his day: work had been slow, but they had a major company that he could not name book them for catering, Leah and Lucas would be missing their visit due to being in a wedding, but they would be spending Easter with us, and that they may have talked Amy into getting a puppy, he told me again about Hannah and her first steps, and that he would be helping Sinead organize her wedding to Gavin- and that Sinead wanted Matthew as one of her ring bearers -because he was family as well- and then our food arrived. After we each received our plates, Ste offered me some of his calzone, and I accepted the tiny portion he gave me.

He asked me how my day had gone and I told him, the drama that occurred with a food fight in the canteen, abysmal oral presentations , and my lunch with Patrick.

I was in the middle of telling him about what I ate for lunch, and starting to feel like we were turning a corner in our relationship after all the tension of the last few weeks, when I noticed he was staring at me with a slight smirk on his face.

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"Come on, do I have food in my teeth or something?."

"No."

"Well what is it then?" I reached across the table and took one of his hands -" something naughty?"

He covered my hand with his "No, actually I was thinking you look really ugly when you eat, and when you talk."

Not at all what I expected him to say.

"Why do you talk to me that way?"

"Oh come on John Paul! I was only teasin' ya. Don't take everything so seriously, and you have to admit your face can look a bit weird at times."

He looked at my fallen and unamused face.

"Oh come on! I"m only having a laugh. Lighten up, JP."

"Yeah, well I didn't think it was funny- it really hurts when you say things like that to me."

" Dear god here we go again! I'm sorry okay. Is that what you want?"

"What I want is to have a normal conversation with my husband." I looked around at the couples near us enjoying their meal and each others company. " I want to be like them- talking together , laughing, and being happy." I gestured to one of the pairs.

" I said I was sorry. Bad timing. What do you want me to do?"

"Just forget it."

We were quiet until our server returned and Ste ordered dessert for us, my favorite, tiramisu.

Our dessert arrived quickly ,and we ate in silence for several moments before Ste spoke

"How would you like to die?"

"Are you joking?"

"No- I dreamed last night that you had died- it was hilarious actually crushed by Hannah's pink elephant, and it had me thinking 'how would JP like to go?'. I was thinking probably in his sleep, it would be less painful for him , than say a shellfish poisoning."

"You are unbelievable."

"No it's all true! A fluffy pink elephant fell right on you, and you were flattened like a bug." Ste slapped his hand on our table for emphasis.

"This is a normal conversation to you?"

"You wanted me to talk to you. You wanted a nice light conversation, and I try, and now you are upset. I can't win with you."

"What is normal and light hearted about asking your husband how he wants to die?"

" I was sharing my dreams with you."

"You dream about me dying?"

"I had a dream, and I thought of you, and I thought this would be something to bring us closer. That is what you want right closeness , opening up to each other?"

"I can't with you Ste. I don't know what you're playing at." I said shaking my head.

" I'm not playing at anything. I'm giving you what you want I'm sharing my thoughts with you."

"That's not what I meant. You're twisting my words."

"You were the one to say I could talk to you about anything. You're my ' safe place' and here you are judging me."

"I'm not judging you."

"You are, and you wonder why I don't talk to you, Mr. Sensitive."

"Don't do that- don't call me names."

"I'm not.I'm describing you. You are a mister. You are sensitive. Are you not?"

I put my hands to my face in frustration.

"I really can't cope with this." I realized we were moments away from becoming that couple everyone finds annoying when out.

"I can't cope with this!" he imitated -mocking me." at the same time he reached under the table and grabbed me.

"Stop it!" I said just a little too loudly, dropping my fork, and causing the people at the next table to stare at us."

"Jesus, John Paul, control yourself ! I can't take you anywhere, Mr. Sensitive. What's wrong with you? I thought you enjoyed my impressions!"

"You know- "I stopped myself ,recognizing I was giving him exactly what he wanted - me getting emotional , and a fight.

I lowered my voice to say "I just want to go, okay? I can't be here right now. I can't do this-"

"Why are you going to cry again? Cry like the little fa-"

Our server returned interrupting us, and Ste turned into a charmer again.

"Is there anything else I can get you gentlemen?"

"Just the bill. Got to get this one home. Someone had a very long day and is tired." Our server left for the bill Ste turned to me and said

"Isn't that right, Princess?"


Ste kept spewing his venom at me on our way home, he was nastier than he had been the night of the party. I said nothing to him, did my best to ignore him by focusing on getting home to Matthew, and controlling my emotions. I was determined not to cry in front of him.

We arrived home to find Cleo asleep on the sofa -TV and headphones on. She was embarrassed to be caught sleeping, but I reassured her and thanked her for watching my son, and insisted that Ste pay her for her time. With Cleo gone, I checked on Matthew who was snoring soundly in his cot, and Ste resumed his verbal assault, his words left me wishing he would hit me, at least with a beating it would be over and done with. He didn't let up until I was in tears and shaking. He then decided to comfort me, sat down beside me, and reached out to hug me.

I was really upset and put my hands out to stop him " I need space,Ste."

"Oh you need space." He grabbed my arm and twisted it behind me as he jerked me towards him. " It's fine for you to need space, but if I want a bit of quiet I get grilled. It's always about you- you really are a bitch!' He let go of me roughly, gave me a shove as he stood, and slammed the door to our room on his way out , so loudly it caused Matthew to wake up screaming.


Friday morning was terrible. I had the morning off work- my plan was to get a little done around the house, spend some time with Matthew,and then drop him with my mum for the afternoon-let him have a day off nursery, come back home and finish writing exams for my classes.

I got off to a late start. I overslept , and when I did get out of bed- Matthew was not in the mood to cooperate with anything, so I missed Ste's texts and voice messages.

He came home in a rampage- shouting and demanding to know what I was doing and why I had not answered him.

"You have this for a reason you know!" he shoved my phone in my face.

I was still angry about the night before and was in no mood to placate him. I lightly pushed the phone from my face.

"This may come as a shock to you, but I have things I need to do other than wait around to take your calls."

I turned and started to move away from him.

"Don't you walk away from me!" Ste struck the back of my head and I stumbled and tripped over his foot. I hit my head against the counter-top as I fell., and he kicked me when I hit the floor.

I was truly stunned. He had shouted at me and smacked me before in front of Matthew, but never did I think he would attack me while I was holding my son.


Thankfully, Matthew was unhurt, at least physically, however I had a nasty cut above my eye.

Ste left. I called out of work with an emergency, settled Matthew down for a nap, called my mum to cancel for sitting, and tended to my cut.

Somewhere between hitting the floor and singing Matthew to sleep I decided I was going to leave. I set about gathering things and started packing.

I had finished packing our bags, and was just about to call my mother when Ste returned.

He saw me with the bags packed and my phone in hand, and dropped to his knees and started sobbing. I had never seen him so upset.

He was asking and begging me to forgive him. He said I had every right to leave, that it made him sick to think he had lost his temper so badly that he could have hurt Matthew. He said that if anyone had done what he did while he was carrying Leah, Lucas, or Hannah he would put them in hospital.

He pleaded, and he looked so broken I gave into him and agreed to talk.

We sat down and he started apologizing again, and saying he knew how much of a screw up he was, and how he didn't deserve me or Matthew. He understood why everyone always left him. He was a horrible person- no one could love him, not even his mother. He brought up his childhood which I knew had been horrific, and I empathized with him. He talked about his father and Doug, which made my heart ache for him even more. He went on to say that he thought I was the only one who understood him, who cared about him, and if I could be a little more patient he would change. He swore that he would rather die than cause harm to Matthew even accidentally , and he promised to never hurt me in front of him again. He then cried even harder and said "Please John Paul- don't you love me? Don't leave me again. I couldn't handle it. I would die without you- you are my reason for living. Don't abandon me."

His last words stung I knew what it felt like to be abandoned, and I could never inflict that pain on someone I loved. I still loved Ste.

I told him that I loved him. I told him I wasn't planning to be gone long, I had just wanted a break , I was tired of the fighting and being hurt. I needed to clear my head,and figured a few days apart would do us some good. I knew he would never hurt Matthew. I wasn't abandoning him. I still loved him- deeply.

Ste apologized again and begged for forgiveness, and I forgave him again. He kept on crying , and told me how angry he was over the situation with Sinead and Hannah. He hated that he was going to be relegated to being a part-time dad again- just like with Leah and Lucas. I agreed with him that it wasn't fair. I held him as he cried, and I cried with him.

By the time Matthew got up from his nap, an hour later ,we had made up, had sex ,and unpacked all my bags.

Ste called out from work for the rest of the afternoon. He made certain Matthew still thought he was tops by taking him to the park and buying him ice cream. He made me dinner, and after Matthew was in bed we cuddled on the sofa, Ste rubbing at my sore spots comfortingly, he allowed me to choose my favorite TV shows, and told me repeatedly how much he loved me and needed me.