Steve promised Bucky that he was going to take care of Ana. He meant to keep that promise. Reconnecting with Bucky physically had helped ease some of his concerns, but he still had a few. He wanted to use Bucky's absence to get to know Ana better, but that wasn't going so well.
Bucky had left before dawn. He shared a kiss with Steve and asked again if he was sure he didn't mind watching over Ana. Their goodbye only lasted a couple of minutes. It took Ana nearly half an hour to let go of Bucky, but when there was no more time to waste, Ana released him with a peck on the cheek and a concerned stare that reminded Steve of Peggy.
After that, Ana went back to bed. Steve checked on her when she didn't come out for breakfast, but let her be when he found her still and quiet, cocooned in the blankets of the bed she shared with Bucky. As lunch approached, he went into their room again. She was in the exact same position. This time, Steve fully entered, closing the door behind him and walking around the bed.
Ana wasn't asleep. Her eyes were swollen and red but open. Half of her pillow was wet with tears and more streamed from her irritated eyes.
"Ana?" Steve's stomach twisted with guilt. He had been jealous of her slumber, wishing he could sleep the dangerous hours of Bucky's departure away instead of imagining all the things that could be going wrong. He should have been comforting her instead of assuming she was unconscious and leaving her to suffer alone while he stewed.
Ana didn't answer him, gave no indication that she even heard him call her name. Steve was kneeling right in front of her, but her stare went straight through him. Her breathing was normal. Her nose wasn't running, but the tears kept pouring. "Ana. Come on. You're not alone. It's going to be ok."
Steve swept away a lock of hair that had fallen in front of her face, cupped her cheek in his hand. He rubbed his thumb against her skin and waited. A minute passed and then another before her eyes blurred beneath a rapid series of blinks. "Yasha? Is Yasha back?"
Steve folded his lips in, wondered if he should have asked Bruce what to do before bringing her back to the present. "No. It's only been a couple of hours, but you missed breakfast and now it's lunchtime. You need to eat. Will you come eat lunch with me?"
Ana's eyes fell away. "Do I have to?"
Steve grimaced. He knew asserting her will and desires was part of her therapy. Honestly, she didn't seem to have much trouble with that. Once she realized she had a choice, she made it happily, though in group situations she often submitted to whatever Bucky or the majority seemed to want.
"You don't have to come to the table, but you do have to eat," Steve said, keeping his voice somewhere between caring and authoritative.
"Ok."
"Does anything sound good? I'll get you whatever you want."
Ana shrugged. "Anything is fine, s-" Her voice caught. "Steve. Anything is fine, Steve."
Careful not to indicate that he found her words amiss, Steve pulled his hand away and stood up. "I'll be right back. Tell Jarvis if you think of something you want or if need me to come back. Ok?"
"Yes, Steve."
With the door closed behind him, Steve sighed to the empty hallway. Ana hadn't called anyone besides Bucky "sir" in nearly a week, but he was pretty sure that was what had almost slipped from her tongue. Given Bucky's absence, that probably meant she was associating Steve with her HYDRA handlers and damn if that didn't sting. Of course, he hadn't been exactly kind to her. Then again, she did call Bucky that, so it couldn't be all bad. Steve shook the thoughts from his head and went to the blissfully empty kitchen.
Jarvis interrupted him while he was trying to figure out how to fit a plate of diced cheese onto the already filled tray. There were grapes and sliced strawberries, mixed nuts, two types of crackers, three protein bars, baby carrots, cut celery, a banana, lunch meat, and a jug of water. Basically anything that was in the fridge that could easily be eaten in bed was now on the tray.
"Yes, Jarvis?" Steve asked, frozen between dropping the cheese to run back to the bedroom and actually waiting to see what Jarvis said.
"Miss Ana has requested soup. She says any kind will do, but she enjoyed the chicken noodle soup Doctor Banner made last night."
Steve felt his muscles relax. He smiled as he answered Jarvis, already pulling the leftovers from the fridge. "Tell her the soup's coming right up."
"Right away, Captain Rogers."
Eight minutes later, Steve reopened the bedroom door, one large, overstuffed tray tucked under his arm. Ana sat up when she saw him and scooted herself against the headboard. Her eyes bulged when she saw the plethora of food.
"I have to eat all of it?" she asked. There was an edge of fear in her voice, one that said it wouldn't be the first time food was forced upon her.
"No. Of course not. I wanted you to have options, that's all."
Her body shivered with relief. "Thank you, s- Steve."
"My pleasure."
After an hour, she had drunk half the water, eaten most of the bowl of soup, and nibbled away three cheddar cubes and two strawberry slices. Once she declared herself full, Steve polished off the rest of the tray in fifteen minutes. His speed eating earned a giggle from Ana, one that cut off with a choked gasp and sent her eyes down to her lap.
"You're allowed to laugh at me, Ana. Goodness knows Bucky does it all the time."
She nodded but didn't look up.
"I mean it. You don't have to be scared of me."
She glanced up then, but barely. "I'm not Yasha," she said. "You don't trust me. You don't like me."
Steve could hardly argue with her conclusions given how he had behaved. "Bucky trusts you. He- He likes you. That's enough for me. I know I haven't been very nice to you, haven't given you a reason to trust me, but I will be better from now on. You have my word."
"I do trust you," Ana said, even met his eyes to make the point. "As you said. Yasha trusts you. That's enough for me."
Steve nodded his understanding. "I'd like to know more about you. If you're willing to share. You don't have to, but I think it would help me."
"I've been talking about myself a lot lately," Ana said.
"Of course. I shouldn't have asked. I'm sorry."
"No, no. It's ok. I just meant that it's easier now because I've been doing it so much," Ana said. Steve was going to respond, offer to share his own story first, but then Ana took a deep breath like she was preparing herself, so he stayed quiet.
"I don't remember much of my life before HYDRA. I remember I traveled from Russia to America once. I remember going to the park and eating lunch near a pond. I remember my mother's laugh. I don't remember what she looked like, but her laugh, I remember that. She died when I was still young. I wasn't ten yet. By my tenth birthday, I was with HYDRA." Ana's brow wrinkled with that thought, but she didn't linger on it.
"I don't know how she died. I think it was an accident. All I remember was how angry my father was. He wasn't just indifferent. He despised me, hated my presence. He didn't even say goodbye. A man came and pulled me out of bed, said my father had given me to him as a gift. It must have been true because my father just stood there and watched him drag me away.
"For a long time, I was passed around. They turned me into a doll. A doll that could feel. It wasn't all bad at first. Some of the men offered gentle touches and small kindnesses, a sweet treat or a room with a window. But the older I got, the less that happened.
"When the experiments started, it was a relief. The pain was less personal. But after the serum, that changed. I healed quickly enough that the pain became meditative, pleasurable even. Many of the men who liked my pain stopped coming, disgusted by my new ability, though a few of them delighted in it even more.
"It wasn't until Yasha that…. Well, they told me I was his plaything now. We lived in a place between pleasure and pain, trapped but free to explore one another. He didn't hurt me like they did. I think it helped him to have something to...control, to protect. And I tried to be his safe space. They hurt him so much. All the time. But he was everything that was good in my life. Every moment of joy that I remember is tied up in Yasha, but I represent every bad thing that ever happened to him."
Ana's tears hadn't flowed while she was eating lunch or as she started to tell her story, not until she talked about Bucky, about Yasha. Steve's eyes were stinging, but he was determined to keep his focus on her emotions, not his.
"I know you think I'm bad for him," she said. "Maybe you believe he's bad for me too. But imagining a life without him…. It's not a life I want to live. I know it's selfish. He has you. He has all these friends. He had a life before and his memories keep coming back. They're happy memories of a good life. He would be happy with you. Your life together would be good and whole. You would be happy. But I don't know how to let go. I can't. There's nothing for me to remember, no one looking for me. He's all I have."
Ana was quiet long enough that the strain in Steve's throat started to ease. He was trying to find the words to say when she wiped away a few tears and started again.
"He always talked about you, remembered you," Ana said.
Just like that, Steve's throat tightens again. There had always been hints that Bucky remembered him even when he was the Winter Soldier. A few random stories Bucky told in therapy or when Brock Rumlow mentioned it to stop Steve punching him, but Steve never pressed Bucky about the decades he had spent as the Asset. He wanted Bucky to know he was good and worthy no matter what memories he carried, no matter which ones had been taken away. Now, Ana was offering him insight into that time. Steve thought he should stop her, let Bucky tell him if he ever wanted to, but he couldn't bring himself to speak up.
Ana smiled at something Steve couldn't see. "In the beginning and when they didn't wipe him for a while, he'd talk about the skinny blonde kid he grew up with in Brooklyn. How you changed after the serum. How he'd followed you into battle. How he loved you. They took more and more of his past, but you were always there. I swear I'm not trying to take him away from you. He needs you as much as I need him."
Somewhere in all of those words, Steve started to cry. "You're right," he said. "He had a life with me before. A wonderful life. A life I miss every day. We grew up together, Ana, but…. I was in the ice while you were spending your lives together. You've spent more years with him than I have. He wouldn't be happy with just me. He wasn't happy before he found you again, not completely. He was never going to stop looking for you."
One of Ana's eyebrows quirked up. "Looking for me?"
Steve wiped at his drying cheeks. "He hasn't told you?"
Ana shook her head.
"He didn't tell me until after we found you, but he's been looking for you ever since he escaped. He thought…. Well, he didn't think he'd find you alive, but he wasn't going to stop until he found you."
Ana's eyes filled again, but the tears didn't fall. Her vision must have been blurry behind the moisture. "He looked for me?"
Steve nodded. "Yeah. He loves you. Of course he looked for you."
Ana took a deep breath that shuddered as it left her, taking all her tears with it. "Thank you. Thank you for telling me."
Quiet, slightly awkward moments followed that conversation as they adjusted to what was said. Steve felt like he had been to confession and come out clean on the other side. Whatever the future held, he was glad Ana would be there.
Some of the time was whittled away with clearing away crumbs, taking dishes to the sink, and refilling the water jug. Besides a trip to the bathroom, Ana did not leave the bed and nothing Steve suggested enticed her away from it.
"How about a movie? You've got a lot of pop culture to catch up on."
Ana agreed to that but it was another half hour of Steve asking questions and scrolling through the endless options Jarvis had to offer before they actually started watching 'The Princess Bride'. Ana enjoyed the movie until the scene with the Rodents of Unusual Size. Suddenly, she was biting her lip and looking away from the projected screen.
"Everything ok?" Steve asked after pausing the movie.
"Yes," she said, picking at the edge of the blanket on her lap.
"Ana."
She closed her eyes against his knowing tone. "It's just…. I know he's doing good things now. He's helping. So it's worth it. I shouldn't…. Is he ok? Do you know where he is? Is it especially dangerous?"
Steve's eyes went to the clock on the dresser, though he had been glancing at it enough to know what time it was, approximately where Bucky was at the moment, just how much danger he was probably in. "I…. I can't tell you, but yes, I know where he's at. I won't say it isn't dangerous, but what Bucky is best at doesn't require him to be in the middle of everything. He keeps other people safe from afar. If there's reason to worry, we'll know. Won't we, Jarvis?"
Ana tilted her head to the ceiling, waiting for the response.
"Yes, Captain. At the moment, the mission is on schedule and running smoothly."
Steve grinned with relief, but also at the layman's terms Jarvis used. "See? If there's anything to worry about, we'll know because Jarvis keeps tabs on all the action. Ok?"
"Ok. That's good," Ana said though she didn't look all that settled. Her hand went back to the edge of the blanket.
"Come here," Steve said, scooting closer to her and wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
Ana leaned into his embrace and her hands stopped fidgeting.
"More movie?"
She nodded and Jarvis took the cue to unpause the action. Steve's lips were hovering above Ana's hair before he realized what he was doing. He turned his head and rested it against hers instead of planting a kiss.
After 'The Princess Bride', they started watching Charlie Chaplin movies. They weren't exactly catching up on modern culture, but they were both laughing and relaxed, so Steve didn't worry about it.
An hour or so after sunset, Natasha knocked on the door and came in with a pizza, two salads, and several bottles of water. She invited Ana to work out with her after dinner. Ana declined, which was fine, but Nat said the invitation was always open. Steve asked Nat for movie suggestions. Natasha's gaze flicked between them for a moment before she decided on 'A League of Their Own'.
When the credits started rolling, Ana and Steve agreed that Natasha had great taste in movies. Ana took the time to brush her teeth and change into fresh pajamas while Steve took care of the remains of dinner. Ana was already snuggled into her cocoon when he came back from the kitchen, so he got started on his own nighttime routine.
As he was spitting out a stinging swirl of mouthwash, he heard Ana asking Jarvis for a mission update. Steve stood still, waiting for the answer. Bucky and Tony had to be engaged by now, would be for the next several hours. If Jarvis told her that, Steve doubted she'd get any sleep.
"Still smooth and on schedule, Miss Ana."
Steve let out a breath as Ana thanked Jarvis. By the time he joined her in bed, her breaths rose and fell with the rhythm of deep sleep.
Steve woke to nails scraping across his face. Ana's breaths came hot and fast against his skin, then tore away. A fleece blanket trailed across his face as panicked screeching hit his ears.
"Moy rebenok! Pozhaluysta, dayte mne moyego rebenka!" Ana panted into the night. "YA budu khorosh. Klyanus'! Prosto, pozhaluysta, day mne moyego rebenka!"
Steve tore the blanket away and freed himself from the tangle of sheets and comforter. Ana thrashed against the soft swell of covers, a noise somewhere between a whine and a howl poured out of her.
"Moy rebenok! Pozhaluysta. Pozhaluysta."
Steve pulled the blankets from her body, touched her shoulders and arms and face with gentle pressure, chanting her name as she came back to herself. Ana's eyes opened all at once, but it took a moment for them to focus on Steve.
"Hey. There you are. It's ok. You're ok. It was just a dream."
Ana's whole face scrunched at that declaration, but she nodded anyway. She twisted out from under Steve and sat on the side of the bed. Without a word, she walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.
Steve listened to the bath water run as he thought about what Ana had screamed. He didn't know Russian, but between Natasha and Bucky he had picked up a few phrases. One of the words Ana said sounded familiar. Rebenok. Natasha called Clint that sometimes when he was making a big deal out of something she thought was silly. The water was still running, so Steve risked asking.
"Jarvis, was she saying something about a baby?"
"Yes, Captain. She was begging for her baby. She said she would be good and begged for her baby."
Steve covered his eyes with the heels of his hands though the room was already dark around him. "Ok." The word came out of him unbidden. There was nothing he could say to that translation, to what it meant.
As the noise of the water shifted to the pitch that meant the tub was nearly full, Steve thought of another question to ask while he was alone. "Anything I should know about the mission?"
"The second target is taking longer to locate than anticipated, but there is no reason for concern."
"Thank you."
A quarter of an hour had passed since the tap turned off, but Steve hadn't heard another peep from the bathroom. No lazy splashes or drains being pulled or cabinets closing. Nothing. He couldn't risk it anymore. Steve knocked and waited for ten silent seconds before opening the door, relieved that it wasn't locked, and more relieved when he found Ana alive, though not well.
Her eyes were red and watery once more. She sat curled into herself on the tile next to the tub full of water. She didn't complain when he sat next to her and pulled her into his lap, wiping away her tears as quickly as they came.
When her breathing is even again, he asks. He hates himself for it, but he has to ask. "Did the baby live, Ana?"
Her breath stops then. She stiffens in his arms. For too long, everything is rigid. Then, Ana backs out of his arms, scrambling across the floor until she hits the cabinets beneath the sink. She shakes her head like she's surrounded by hornets, then drops to her hands and knees like she's praying. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried. I promise. I tried. Please don't tell Yasha. Please. Please. I'm so sorry."
Steve takes his time gathering her back into his arms, keeping his words hushed and serene. Finally, she lets him hold her. "You're safe, Ana. Calm down, sweetheart. Take your time. Tell me what happened. You don't have to carry this alone. You're safe." She's so still, Steve thinks she's fallen back asleep, but she starts talking.
"At first the kept me on birth control, but the last few years they were doing things to boost my fertility. They wanted to see if the serum traits would be passed down through pregnancy. They kept me away from Yasha a lot. Didn't worry about wiping him so much. But they always made sure to wake him up when I was ovulating. No matter what they did, I kept miscarrying. I never told Yasha. I never got past the first trimester, so there was nothing to tell. But then…. They wiped him after he came back from a mission. They rarely did that, especially if they let him see me. It was a quick visit, but he was still blank from the wipe. They sent him out again almost immediately. It must have been when they sent him after you because he never came back. But the doctors were happy because the pregnancy took. I got all the way to the third trimester.
"I went into labor early, but not too early. Only…. My body kept healing instead of dilating. The baby went into distress, so they did a C-section. But, it didn't work. Afterward, they said they thought the hormones must have kicked the healing factor into overdrive because my skin was healing as soon as they cut it. When they finally got him out, he was…. Our baby was dead."
Ana's voice was a broken scar. "He looked just like Bucky. He was so beautiful. But he was dead and they wouldn't-" Ana whimpered and inhaled hard. "They wouldn't let me hold him. They put him in a bag and took him away."
Ana's fists were curled into Steve's shirt, her forehead hard against his chest. "Please. Please don't tell Yasha. It's my fault. If I had stayed calm, our boy would be alive. I know that. I know it. The serum wouldn't let him out because I was scared. I was scared and my fear killed him. Please don't tell. Please."
Steve wrapped Ana into a hug, but she wouldn't stop pleading. It wasn't a secret that should be kept from Bucky, but it also wasn't his secret to tell. "Ok, Ana. Shh. It's ok. I won't tell him. I promise. I won't tell him."
Even in the midst of her thankful words and grateful gasps, Steve knew the knowledge would fester inside of him. It wouldn't stay secret forever. He could only hope Ana found the strength to tell Bucky soon.
She fell asleep in his arms. Eventually, Steve got them back to bed. She rolled back toward him when they hit the mattress, cuddling into the safety of his arms. Guilt stabbed at Steve's chest. He wished he didn't feel so damned thankful that the baby didn't make it. It's a horrible thought, but when he considers what HYDRA would have done with a serum-enhanced baby, what they would have done with Ana, he's thankful that they didn't get the chance.
