{ TODD }

Ben and Viola are gonna take me for a walk.

After another few days of eatin' and small talk and big talk and strength comin' back in bits and pieces, I'm too restless to stay put anymore. Viola and Ben do the best they can to keep me occupied but the tent is too small when I can hear the whole world goin' on around me. I asked Ben when I can make use of myself again. He smiled and showed Tomorrow.

So today Ben says I can walk around camp and see other people besides him and Viola and my heart is beatin' real fast because I can feel the world around me singin' with joy and spring and I can even smell the grass and the rain that fell last night and here's Ben comin' to get me now –

And there's a little jerk in my gut when Viola follows him.

She's got a happier face these days, with less shadow and more light. Her smiles come easier and for some reason I can't place she makes me smile too –

"Ready, Todd?" she asks as she pins back the canvas flap.

Am I ever! I show. Ben grins and reaches down to help me stand up. My legs have gotten sturdier from doin' some little exercises in the tent but I still need help to get up and my balance is a little weird but then I feel her hand on my shoulder and I'm steady as can be.

They each take one of my arms as we walk slowly out into the sun. It's blindin' at first and they let me adjust and take a big look around before walkin' again –

There are tents everywhere. People are walkin' to and fro with food and clothes and tools and all kinds of things – Ben tells me most people are movin' out of the Land's camp and back to the town, where things are startin' to get better. And even though these people seem mighty busy they stop and look at me, starin' even. Ben lifts a hand and waves them on to their work, and whispers float to my ears and I hear their thoughts in the air – mostly giddy happy surprised colors.

Viola doesn't say anything as Ben leads me around, just follows with her hand danglin' close to mine. The sunny breeze brings smells of sizzling meat and stew and pine sap and animals and –

Horses?

My brain triggers at the smell of horse hide and leather and next I know I'm bent over fighting through images that are clearin' up of a horse –

Angharrad.

My teeth come down so hard so quick to block out the pain in my head that they catch on my tongue and I can feel blood in my mouth –

There was a fire –

Ben and Viola are there trying to help me up –

And soon enough the pain recedes –

And there's their worried faces, askin' in the way they look at me if I'm okay –

But I'm not –

Because things have happened –

And remembering is hard.

"Todd," Viola's sayin', "Todd, can you hear me?"

I nod. Yeah I show, however faintly, and she helps me to straighten up. I know she sees what's troubling me. Almost everything around me sets my head off a'hurtin'. It'll be ages before I can get back to normal…

You must learn how to control your pain, Todd, Ben shows. We need you to get better as fast as possible. His fingers wrap around my upper arm tight, like he's tryna hold me in place. I can feel his worry in the Heart, and I feel bad about bein' such a worry to everyone.

Viola's grip slackens and her face turns a shade or two lighter. I don't know if Ben notices, but I do. Viola? I show.

She shakes her head and swallows hard. "I…I…"

Tell me, Viola. I have to know.

She closes her eyes tight. "When you were working with the Mayor, he taught you how to control your Noise, remember?" I do, vaguely. "It's just… when you were doing that, I couldn't hear your Noise anymore, and it scared me, because…" She shakes her head. "Ben's suggestion… reminded me of that."

I nod, and see Ben's shoulder's slouching out the corner of my eye.

Either way, Todd needs to get better. Ben's tone is defeated. I can feel his sadness in the Heart, as well as the Land's. I can talk to the Land at the Pathway's End to discuss the pain you are feeling with the return of your memories. Perhaps if we knew why you're hurting, we can find a way to combat it.

Viola seems to accept this, and she breaths easier. I wish I could hear her, I wish I could feel her, I wish I could reach out and touch her…

With a start, I realize that even though my Presence is not totally like Noise, Viola can still feel my emotions, and she can still hear some of my thoughts, and it's too late to cover up what I thought about now, so I just feel the heat come to my ears and –

I think she might be cryin'-

Viola?

She stiffens and shakes her head. "I'm okay. I'm okay."

I think if I could hear her things would be so much easier.

Or maybe harder.

How did men be intimate with girls if they couldn't hear 'em?

Viola's turned away a little bit and I wish I hadn't even thought about her, but Old Todd tries to say something and I think I hear my throat rasping – but no words come out.

But I know what he was trying to say.

Old Todd was trying to say "Viola. I miss you."

And Old Todd's emotion is leaking into me, New Todd's emotions.

And I need to learn how to keep them separate.

'Cuz she's so beautiful to Old Todd –

And I think New Todd thinks she's somethin' special too –

And I can't tell who I should trust.

{ VIOLA }

It hurts. The way he looked at me. The way he feels. It all hurts, and I wish I could restore him.

Soon after the situation with him remembering Angharrad and then remembering me, Todd announced he was tired and needed to go back, although I could tell he was only saying that for Ben and I's sanity. I know he wanted to keep going; his appetite for the outside of his tent is insatiable. But I know most of all that he wants to end the pain that he feels by simply existing. His whole life has been ripped apart, then shut down, then restarted, and is now trying to be sewn back together. No wonder his brain tries to protect him from his memories: it'd almost be a paradox to remember them. Pain felt by the Todd of the past is displaced by months of slumber and numbness.

Either way, when he looked at me, with a look in his eyes I remember only existing when he looked at me, I lost it. I don't know how I didn't completely break down. There is no past Viola. There is no displaced pain on my part. Every achingly familiar movement of his body, the sound of his voice in my head, everything just hurts. I want Todd of the past back, because I know he loved me, even through his pain, and now it's just displaced love along with displaced pain and the ache that found itself in my heart when he looked at me like he used to isn't going away. And I can't stand this hurt much longer.

Later in the day, when I'm helping cut firewood, Ben finds me. I'm sweating from my work, my hands red and grimy, but he doesn't resist when I end up in his arms. Tears have been pressing against my eyes all afternoon and they dampen Ben's shoulder, if only briefly. I feel the warm pressure of his arms around my back, and I know why Todd loved Ben: he radiates security and a warm calm through chaos. I never realized it, but Ben has become as much my support system as he is Todd's. From this thought even more pain comes at the thought of my parents' bodies, surely gone now, and my tears hold bitterness that can never be resolved and my only thought is I'm sorry.

I allow myself ten seconds of weakness before straightening up. Ben's always been able to hear my sadness although I've never had Noise, and he smiles grimly down at me. I've talked to the Land, he shows, then walks off a few yards to a good sitting log and I follow.

"Yes? What did they say about Todd?" I ask as I sit down.

Ben sighs. They said Todd's going to be in pain no matter what. You and I knew that of course. I nod in affirmation. But they explained to me fully what the situation is: you see, they're slowly letting Todd's memories back from an abstract bank of sorts; they have a sort of vault of Todd's life that they're leaking back into his actual brain. Because they could never truly erase the original memories, only mask them, Todd must relive the pain in bits and pieces as his memories return. We've seen this in action, have we not?

I nod again. I don't have a clue where Ben's going, but it's comforting to hear all this information, although I already knew it. "So what do they suggest?"

The Land can keep doing this for a while. They estimate maybe a month before all of Todd's memories are in place. Or, they suggested a different treatment. He pauses, and when I hear him again, his voice is grave. The Land suggested that they stop the current process altogether and let his mind heal from previous memories and wait for him to grow mentally and physically stronger. They estimate it would take two weeks for this to happen naturally. Then, after that time, they could put him pack in the Pathway's End and give him back his memories in more concentrated doses. They think this would take maybe two or three days.

Ben stops, waiting for me to process the information. My mind whirls as the words sink in.

"So… when he woke up again, he'd remember everything."

Yes.

Confusion settles. "Then why didn't they do that in the first place?"

Ben tenses and I can tell he's frustrated with me. Because Todd was not physically strong enough to handle his memories, you know that.

I sigh. "Right. So they think that if they give him more time without remembering anything and getting back to normal, he'll be strong enough to handle everything in one dose. But… won't it still hurt?"

Yes, it would be incredibly painful, but they believe he will be able to handle it. They are planning on telling Todd the full extent of their control over his memories very soon, and then suggesting this treatment. They think this is the quickest way to restore his memories. Ben sees my confliction – I must be an open book to read – and continues, I too am unsure about this. But it is ultimately Todd's choice, is it not?

I realize it is. I saw the desperation and confusion in Todd's face as he received more of his memories today. I know that Todd has withstood so much pain in the past few days, he will be willing to try the Land's suggestion. Todd more than anything just wants to know who he is and what has happened to him, and I don't blame him for that.

"Of course it's Todd's choice. But thank you for telling me, Ben," I say, smiling as best I can.

No problem, Viola. We'll be seeing our Todd soon, I think, he shows, and his face relaxes into a smile far happier than mine. I'll leave you to get back to your work now, he says.

"Okay. I'll see you at dinner?"

He nods, and we both stand. As I go back to my station I'm aware of the stares of my fellow workers on my back. I ignore them and pick up my axe again. With every swing and jolt of pressure up my arm bones, I think Todd's name, like he did mine when he fought the Mayor, and such a powerful aching sweetness runs through my blood that I know Todd will be with me again soon.