Mural


It was a particularly rare occurrence for me to be at Kaname's home. So rare that I had never actually done it before. He had been ill and out of the office for a couple of days, missing a captains' meeting. I had volunteered to update him on what we had discussed (clue: nothing of importance as usual). I was curious about his abode, never having been invited since I hate his self-serving over righteous smug attitude, and he hates my…everything, I suppose.

"I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better," I told him.

He said nothing, most likely hoping I would get the point and leave.

I looked around his sparsely furnished living room. "A little stoic don't you think?"

"I do add sitting cushions when I have my poetry reading group over," Kaname answered.

It seemed like such a Kaname thing to do to have a poetry reading. I imagined how joyless an affair it must be. I'm not a big fan of poetry, aside from the particularly lurid kind that I doubt Kaname has ever touched. I got an idea.

"You could use a new coat of paint," I suggested.

Kaname had to mull that one over. "I have never repainted since I have moved in," he eventually replied.

"It shows. It's very drab and faded."

"Hm," he said.

"You know, you should hire someone to come and paint it before you have your next meeting."

"I don't know anyone who paints."

"Get your lieutenant to find someone," I replied.

"That's not within the purview of his duties," Kaname stated.

Good lord, he's annoying sometimes. "Purview"?

"I know someone who would do it," I said.

"I don't want strangers in my house," he said firmly.

"He's my 9th seat. He just got married and I know he would be very happy to have a little extra spending cash. He's been doing chores and home improvements for me the last couple of weeks."

"I…" he hesitated. "I imagine that would be acceptable."

"Good, I'll let him know. If we do it right away the paint will be dry and the smell will be gone by the time you have your poetry thing," I assured him.

The facts about my 9th seat I had of course made up out of whole cloth. I didn't have the artistic skill to pull off what I wanted to do, so I would have to go searching to find someone with the talent I needed.


Two weeks later and everything was set. Except that I needed a pair of eyes on the scene or else I would be missing half the fun.

"Kira," I whispered, having silently gotten behind him while he was distracted with his paperwork.

"AHHHH," he yipped.

He always makes the cutest noises when I startle him…or drop things on him…or place live animals in his desk drawers.

"I need you to go to Captain Tosen's poetry reading tonight," I told him.

"Why?" he asked suspiciously. Not without reason, obviously.

"I don't think you know this, but I love poetry," I said.

"You do?" Kira looked dubious.

"Oh yes, but you know how lazy I am. I wouldn't want to waste my time on this meeting if it's not something I'm into. I want you to go and report back to me exactly what happens."

"I'm already going," he answered.

I was momentarily worried that he was a regular attendee and would now explain the club, or whatever in the world the meeting was, and I would have to come up with a new excuse. However, it was my luck that it was his first time going, someone had just invited him along.


The next day I laid myself across Kira's desk, making sure to casually knock his neatly organized folders onto the ground.

He sighed.

"So, how did it go last night?" I asked.

"It was…awkward…" he said, his face red.

"Oh?" I said, delighted, "Please be a lot more detailed."

He hadn't gotten very far before we were rudely interrupted.

"Gin!" Kaname said, coming through the door.

"Yes?" I said, sitting up.

"What did you do to my walls?"

"Your place seemed so dreary so I thought I'd add a little art," I replied.

"What kind of art?" he asked, beginning to lose control of his calm.

"Wouldn't you agree that love is one of the purest of all emotions?" I asked.

"Yes," he agreed, hesitantly.

"I had a renowned artist come and paint a mural on your walls depicting love."

Kira made a choking noise. Kaname looked towards him.

"When you say that, exactly what do you mean?" he asked. "My group last night could barely function, they all made excuses and wound up leaving."

"It was a little…explicit…" offered Kira.

"Explicit?" Kaname was beginning to get the idea.

"Gin! Did you paint a bunch of naked people on my walls?" he asked.

"Don't be such a prude, there's nothing wrong with the natural body," I said.

"They weren't just naked, they were…doing things to each other," Kira said, blushing even more.

"YOU PAINTED MY WALLS WITH PEOPLE DOING SEXUAL THINGS?" Kaname yelled.

"Not just people," Kira said in a hushed voice, "there were lots of…animals…and objects…"

"GIN!"

"Oh don't worry so much about it, Kaname. It was just a practical joke, even right now there's someone over at your quarters painting over it," I said.

"I want it gone!"

"It's going," I said in a calming matter.

After he had left I turned to Kira. "When is Captain Tosen's next poetry reading?"

"It's on the 15th."

"Can you schedule me off on the 16th?" I asked.

Kira paled. I expected him to ask what it was I had done this time, but he surprised me.

"I think I will take the 16th off too," he said.

"Oh good!" I said cheerfully as I walked into my office. "We can play hooky together. Let's go to the hot springs!"


Orihime: I wonder what Gin did wind up doing?

Gin, popping his head in: Well I hired a bunch of...

Ulquiorra, interrupting: Does this mean you are responsible for the paintings that appeared in my room?

Gin: Well, it was your birthday after all.

Ulquiorra: I don't have a birthday.