Lol Big Time Rush cussing is hot. Even Carlos cussing is adorable.
BEST FRIENDS EVERYBODY! BEST FRIENDS COME ON! ;] Oh Carlos. You are the reason why world peace is possible.
An Empty Swing
Sometimes a body to lean on is what a boy needs. Never expressed, never asked for but every once in a while a boy needs that support to cry on; even strongest of man breaks over time. Everyone needs something to lean on even if he is the one that everyone leans on for strength.
Finding solace in the barren park, a single boy sits on the middle swing of a set of three, rocking back and forth inches at a time; his feet never leaves the ground. He leans forward, arms wrapped around the two steel chains hoisting the rubber seat with a somber expression on his face. It's been like this for the last three years. On the same autumn day, this blonde returns to the park, sitting on the swing in the desolate park.
"Is this seat taking?" The blonde's eyes zone to the speaker, burning with hostility.
"Yes it is." He answers although the boy already jumped on the seat, swinging to heights the other teen has not reached yet. "Hey! I said the seat is taken."
"Huh? Sorry, what? I can't hear you." The annoying brunette shouts, beaming a smile at him "Say, what is your name Mr. Tall Blonde and Eyebrows?" He asks, his voice bouncing each time he crosses the static teen.
"It's Kendall. And I would appreciate if you leave."
"What? I still can't hear you blondie." The other shouts. "Come up here and maybe I can hear you better."
Frustrated, Kendall thrusts his body on the seat, rocketing himself to the annoyance's height. "I would appreciate if you leave. I rather be alone."
"What? I am good looking." He states, still pretending that he can't hear Kendall. "Thanks. But just to let you know, a guy named Kendall said that first. And he is really cute."
"Why are you so full of yourself to me? I don't even know you." Kendall asks, climbing up to the other's position in the air.
"I'm James Diamond and I'm full of myself because that is the only way to impress someone as good looking as you."
Kendall chuckles, planting his feet into the rubber padded ground. James follows, slowing down to a complete stop. "What, no more swing?" James pouts, leaning on the metal chain, staring at the crackling blonde.
"That's funny Diamond. The whole morning, I've been moping and you thought I am good looking? If that's the case then I must be the world best looking model/actor in the world." Kendall jokes, laughing so hard tears are falling.
"I'm not denying it." James simply answers. "But what were you moping about?"
Kendall snaps back from his laughter, realizing his reason for coming to the park in the first place. "Nothing. You don't have to worry about it." He sighs and stares up at the cloudless sky.
"You're still the best looking model. Actor? Yea, you need help. You suck at acting." James comments, a chuckle follows his words.
"Thanks for the insult but I rather not tell a stranger my problems." He returns to rocking in his seat, his face dropping back down.
James exhales and gently swings. "Did you know I come to the park to think? Everyone thinks I am a loser and maybe I am but the park is where I can be happy." Kendall looks up at James' face. "I feel safe here. I feel like my mom and dad aren't divorce. That I am still a part of a perfect family." James stops and beams at the blonde. "Don't psychoanalyze me as if I am a freak and say I'm regressing to when I was a kid who runs away to the park." Kendall laughs a smile at that.
"Don't worry. I won't make fun of you if you promise not to make fun of me." James nods his head. Taking a deep breath, Kendall begins his story. "Three years ago, my dad passed away and it was painful on my family. My mom talked about depression and committing suicide in her sleep. She thought I don't hear her, but I did. And my sister, she's thirteen now but back then, she would cry every night, bribing God to give us him back. She picked that up from our mother. Everyday, they would cry together, whispering things like I will be a better mother if I get my husband back or I will stop conning people and make friends if I get daddy back." Kendall sniffles, fruitlessly trying to hold back his tears. "Things like that and it hurts, you know? How can I live if my family is breaking? How can I break if everyone is broken? That is why I have to strong, for my mom and for my sister. They need me and I need somewhere to go to just cry."
"I'm sorry Kendall." James' head falls.
"No, it's alright. The park is as much mine as it is your but..." Kendall sighs long and slowly. "I remember when I would swing on this swing and my dad with little Katie in his arms would challenge me to see who can go higher. He would be racing me in your swing."
"Oh sorry." James hops off instantly, rubbing the back of his neck, biting his lower lip.
"Nah." Kendall smiles. "You can use to." Kendall offers even though James doesn't budge an inch, standing frozen in place, feeling like jerk. "Racing to catch up to you back there reminded me of the happy times I had with my dad. So thanks. This is the first time in a while I'm happy on the day my dad passed away."
"No problem, I guess." He answers, still having a bit of guilt in him.
"Stop it James. Stop beating yourself and just be your egomaniac self. It's a lot more attractive than you being depress."
James chuckles, shaking his head, a grin growing on his flawless face. "Are you hit on me, on the day your dad died?"
"I don't know. Is there any other hot guy in the park to hit on?" Kendall rhetorically asks, waving his finger for James come to him. "You know my dad used to push Katie and me on the same swing. We would giggle and have so much fun. I wish I can just go back to when everything was as easy as that."
Suddenly, Kendall groans, feeling James jumping into his lap.
"What are you doing, James?" Kendall shrieks. James doesn't answer right a way but instead he propels them in the air, kicking the ground. "James, jump off. This is dangerous."
"Isn't this what you wanted?" James kicks the floor hard, reaching half of his usual height. "To have someone in your arms, pretending your dad is stand right there behind us, pushing a smile on your face as the wind makes you giggle?" Kendall does in fact giggles, wrapping his arms around James' waist, leaning on his back and helping him kick themselves to reach higher heights. "Whoa! This is the highest I ever gotten." James exclaims gleefully. Kendall laughs, and for a split second at their max point suspending in the open air, he stares at James' smile.
"Thank you James."
...
He sighs, thinking that sitting in the same middle seat doesn't help him. His cold, uncovered lap casts a frigid feeling over his body. How times has changed. He once wished for the desolate park to be his rock but now he just wishes he has that special someone to be here.
"Is this seat taken?" Kendall hears the cocky voice, his frown evaporating. He turns his head, forgetting all of his trouble, ready to love him again until he notices it's not the guy he hopes for.
"No really Kendall. Did you see someone sit here because I rather sit on a swing no one sat on yet?" Kendall glares at his complaining friend, before he returns his lost eyes to the ground. "Never mind. I'll disinfect it." Logan disregards, pulling out a pair of gloves and alcohol pads from his butt pocket. Annoyed, Kendall fists the chains, rolling his eyes, listening to the squeaky clean sounds his germophobic friend makes. "Good. Now I can sit on whatever this thing is." Logan states, jumping on the plank, smiling at Kendall.
Kendall, wanting to be alone, gets up and moves one swing down. "What! No Kendall! Sit back in that seat. I don't want to clean another one."
"What are you doing here, Logan? I told you I wanted to be alone." Kendall yells across the swing set, his rage growing in his body.
"Yea, on Friday. You said to give you a day and today is Sunday. So it is perfectly fine to talk to you." Logan explains cut and dryly.
"How did you find me? You hate the park." Kendall observes the thick kitchen gloves, hospital mask and the plastic cover Logan placed over the swing. "And no one wears that to the park."
"Well, I am sorry for trying to cheer up my friend when he is down. Do you know how hard I am trying to make you happy? I'm in the god damn park for crying out loud. Does it look like I am a daddy with three kids because there is no other reason for me to be here except for you?" Logan yells back intensely. "God Kendall."
Sighing a huge bubble of air, Kendall drops his head. "I'm sorry Logan. I guess my break up shocked me more than I thought. I actually thought James was the one for me, you know, the one I can see myself living with. I can't believe how stupid I am, falling in love with an actor. He probably knows how to act his way through any boyfriend, heck I don't even know if Carlos in the only other guy he's dating." Kendall turns his head, angrily groaning at Logan. The callous brunette cleans the middle swing, a smile happily slapped on his mask covered face. "Are you even listening, Logan?"
"Of course I am." Logan jumps on the newly cleaned swing, beam contently. "You hate the douche bag-"
"Stop calling him names!" Kendall gets fed up with Logan's attitude towards his ex-boyfriend. "Why do you hate him so much?"
"Because you hate him. The asshole cheated on you with his best friend." The park suddenly gets colder, a gust of wind stealing away Kendall's warmth. He sits there, feeling more alone than ever. "Why are you trying so hard, pretending that James is better than what he is? He cheated on you. He wasn't acting or pretending. He was having sex with Carlos, knowing it will kill you."
Kendall stiffens his tears, listening to Logan's sharp words. He knows everything his genius of a friend is saying is true but he doesn't want to believe it or he wants to pretend it never happened. Which ever one Kendall wants to do doesn't help him feel better or more comfortable with the fact that James broke their relationship.
"Why don't we do something fun and forget about him? I bet you'll love going to the library." Logan smiles excitedly, his legs bouncing on the elastic matting.
Kendall shakes his head, mumbling under his breathing. "I got to go fix this." He jumps off, making a run for the gate.
"Wait, Kendall. The library is this way." Logan grabs Kendall's arm, pointing in the opposite direction.
"I'm not going to the library." Kendall flicks Logan's arm unsuccessfully as Logan grips him with both of his hands now. "Get off Logan! I am going to James' house and make things right."
"He is a douche bag! He cheated on you once. Who says he won't cheat on you again?"
"I say!" Kendall answers, playing tug-a-war with the tiny brunette. "And he won't."
"How do you know? James is a lying, conning, fucking actor that will never be more than a cheating bastard!"
"But I loves him!"
"I love you!" Shocked, Kendall loses his balance, falling on top of Logan. He stares at the blushing boy under him, blood rushing to his face gradually.
"What?" He stutters, confusion swimming in his bottle green eyes as he slowly crawls to the side. Sitting cross legged, Kendall watches his friend trying miserably to hold his tears. "What are you saying, Logan?"
Logan rises, covering his head with the palms of his pale hands.
"Logan, what did you say?" Kendall commands sternly.
"I love you, ok?" Logan yells back. "Over the last few days, watching you and James being happy together makes me sick. I hate that pretty perfect boy. Why can't you see that I am even more perfect for you?" He cries. The park covers them with a tense tarp, blowing unwanted heavy air at the boys. "I'm better than James. I'm smarter, I definitely will get into any college I want or you want. I am meticulous. You will never find a speck of dust on your clothes if we live together. And I will pleasure you. Not sexually but in the best way possible, sharing intelligent conversations with you. Why can't you see I am better; alpha perfection?"
Kendall, eyes wide open, sits there unable to process his thought. "You wanted to marry me?"
"No!" He stutters, fisting his hands. "I don't want to marry you but I want to be the one that makes you happy, not James. I will stick by you everyday, all day, the perfect boyfriend."
Kendall, still shocked, shakes his head. "Logan..." He starts gently. "I don't want you to be my boyfriend. You are perfect but not perfect for me. I need someone I can connect with."
"So you won't be my boyfriend because I won't have sex with you?"
"God Logan! Stop hiding under your rock and look around. You can't solve life as if it is a math problem. Sex does not equal boyfriend. I'm not that kind of person and I don't care if I never have sex with James again. I love him because to me, he is perfect." He yells, patting his lap as he gets up.
"So... This is it?" Logan starts, his voice staggers somberly. "I been trying so hard to get you, realizing that I am perfect for you and you just flick me because some pretty cheating boy pleasures you well? That's not a relationship Kendall. That is a sexual release. What we have is a relationship; what we have is a boyfriend relationship. Why can't you accept it?"
"Why can't you? James is not a sexual release. He is more than you will ever know, heck more than I will ever know. Did you know James is the first person I talked to about my dad? He actually listened and comforted me."
"You could have talked to me." Logan puffs his cheeks immaturely, returning to his seat on the swing. He shifts sharply, trying to fix his crossed legs on the small plank. "I would have listened and comforted."
"No you wouldn't. I tried talking to you before." Kendall explains, taking his swing. "And I know you as well as you know me. You would have said 'people die all the time. Get over it and let's go to the museum of dead people to get over your dad' or something like that. And don't lie, Logan. That is what you would say." Kendall points his stern finger at him. Logan shakes his head, knowing that that is exactly what he would have said. "I need someone that will hold me intimately and whisper in my ear that everything will be fine. I need someone next to me that makes me feel confident about myself. Not confident like I can lead the hockey team to the championship but confident like I can be Kendall, a boy who has secret insecurities. And I need someone who can kick my ass some time." Kendall chuckles, a smile flashing on his lips as he remembers events from the last three months. "You can't say that you can be that person, Logan."
Logan exhales, head falling as he slowly rocks the swing. "But what other person can I be? There is no one else I can try to be."
"What do you mean by the only person you can be?" Kendall quickly asks.
Logan sighs again, biting his lower lip. "You can't deny I have only one friend, Kendall. It's not like I am the most popular guy that can pick up anyone I want. I was, been hoping that if I grow up, I will have you because we been together so long, that time together is more important than short, superficial crushes."
"It is important Logan but that just proves how much we belong as friends. If we been friends for twelve years, don't you think we are perfect as friends for the rest of our lives?"
Understanding, Logan nods his head, tears streaming down his flat dimples. "But what about me?"
"You will always be my best friend, soul mate to the end."
"No I mean who can I love?" Logan turns, facing Kendall with his fallen eyes. "After I found out you're dating James, the first thing I thought was I am losing my best friend but I also realized I have no one that loves me that I can love back. You look so perfect with James that every time I think about you two, I feel more and more lonely; that I never will know what love is." Logan finally confesses, crying into his palms. Suddenly his body is propelling into the air, the swing vibrating to his loud screams. "What are you doing?" He fearfully shouts, his white arms wrap around the chains for dear life. "Kendall, stop it! I'm going to die!"
"This' what love feels like." Kendall pushes harder; the brunette climbing to dangerous heights. "You realize that opening yourself up gives you the change to fall but the moment you open your eyes, you never want to stop flying."
Logan's eyes flicker, the brisk air burning his pupils. His stomach cringes with every arch, the vomiting feeling creeps into his dry throat. But the moment he returns to top, getting an overview of the giant park, he shouts gleefully. "I'M FLYING!"
Kendall chuckles, smiling that his friend grew a bit and learning something school doesn't teach. "Kick your legs, Logan!" Kendall jumps in his own swing, racing the beginner to his elevation. They share a smile, letting the wind slow them down to the middle static state. "That is love, Logan. That is the rush you feel when someone is in love with you. What I felt when I was with James."
"Thanks Kendall but the only feeling of love I can get now is from this swing." Logan jokes, chuckling even though he knows it hurts saying it.
"Well, tell me. I know you never thought about it but try and describe the perfect guy for you." Kendall gently swings, using his whole body, parallel to the ground.
"It's a bit crude but actually I did think of a perfect boyfriend before I realized perfect is not possible and I should go after you. So don't laugh ok?" Logan quickly asserts, blushing his round dimples. Kendall nods. "I want a guy that can and will stick by me even with all of my quirks and I know I have a lot. My parents and doctors said so. So I know the guy is impossible."
Kendall snickers, a name popping into his head. "That's it?"
"No. I want him to be sweet, tender even. I need someone to show me that there is more to life than being grounded." Logan tries to swing, kicking the ground, experimenting. "And I need him to just love me." The last line sounds as if it stabbed the brunette, hoarse and painfully truthful. "I will do anything just to find someone that just loves me, truly loves me that I can love back."
Kendall unexpectedly bursts into laughter, his flailing legs countering the wave, the swing jumping erratically.
"What is so funny?" Logan commands, his face filled with anger and confusion.
"You are. There is a guy that is hopelessly in love with you, well was hopelessly in love with you." Kendall answers, being vague and indirect.
"Right. There is no one that loves or loved me Kendall and you know it. You don't have to lie."
"You know for the last few years, you did have someone following you, obviously announcing his love to you but you never noticed."
"And who was that?"
"Carlos." Kendall simply answers as if it was the easiest response. "That boy would write poems with your name, sing songs about you, heck I think the play is about loving you but you're in love someone else."
"Don't play with me Kendall." Logan assertively cuts in, rationalized if Kendall is right. "Carlos basically used me for his creative outlet."
"No that is not true." Kendall shakes his head. "That boy loved you before you know what happened. I heard him say 'I love you' to you, at you so many times but you never listened. You would brush him off but I guessed that was because you never wanted a boyfriend."
Logan reflects, feeling remorse about everything. His accursed photographic memory now floods him with clips of the past, killing him. Flashes of every single time Carlos said those three words wounds him more with what happened on Friday stabbing him for the over kill. "I am such an ass." He shakes his aching head, pinching his nose. "Why did I have to be an ass to him?"
"It's ok Logan. You shouldn't beat yourself up. It isn't your fault." Kendall comforts him unsuccessfully. "You did not know Carlos is a cheating asshole that chased after you while having sex with James. So I guess, you should be happy that Carlos didn't break your heart."
"But I broke his and my one chance at a relationship." Logan continues wallowing, his tired eyes well up. "I am an idiot!"
"Logan!" Kendall yells. "Carlos and James are cheaters. They are liars and they played us. So this is not your fault!"
"I forced Carlos to kiss James!" Logan finally blurts. Silence breaks in, an eerie creek sounds from the chains. What were minute details of the desolate park are now visual.
"What?"
"I forced Carlos to make out with James so you will get jealous and after that, he came to me and I basically told Carlos to fuck off." Logan cries out in one long breath, panting afterward as if he ran a marathon. "I am sorry Kendall and I was stupid. I am so sorry that I ruined your relationship but look on the bright side, I lost my chance too."
"Are you fucking retarded?" Kendall's face burns up blood red. "This isn't a pity contest of who loses more." He gets up and turns around to the gate.
"Wait Kendall. Where are you going?"
"To get back my boyfriend. I suggest you do the same if you can stop being an ass." Kendall quickly dashes off, leaving Logan quietly swinging alone.
He sniffles, contemplating if Carlos would even want him now after everything. But even with his doubts, he starts swing higher, hoping that there might be an small chance Carlos still loves him. At the end of the motion, Logan jumps off, brushing his thighs.
"Dramatic irony isn't it, Carlos? I can't believe I'm going after you this time."
Umm... Sorry. Grr lol. I hope this wasn't too rushed. I had to get Kendall and Logan's feelings out while getting Logan to fall for Carlos. I hope it was ok even though I think I rushed it :(. I'm a bad writer T.T
btw, check out my post "Logan's response to a stranger entering his dressing room" on Tumblr. I don't like advertising but lol, I REALLY like this post. My tumblr account is the same name as my fanfiction account. =]
Please review. :)
