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Chapter 8:
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Bella gasped and spun around in the bathtub. The water sloshed. She had flinched with the razor and when she saw the figure in the doorway her hand went slack and the razor plopped into the water.
It was Alice.
Pale and wasted, eyes hollow and sunken under a heavy hoody. She stood neither in nor out, lingering by the doorframe, sad and small with her vacant gaze fixed on the thin line of blood leaking from Bella's wrist. Her skin was the colour of wax. She blinked heavily. Slowly she came into the room.
Bella stared at her, speechless and unmoving. She could feel the razor resting against her thigh under the water. She could hear herself breathing. Alice knelt down beside the bathtub. She took Bella's wrist. Her touch was cold as steel. Cold as the razor. Her tongue was pale pink but it became red as she leaned and licked the blood from the small incision there. Her eyes were closed and her eyelids all but translucent. She moaned once, softly, as the blood covered her tastebuds. Bella watched her, frozen, breathless. Alice opened her eyes. They were opaque and inky black and they connected with Bella's for just a moment before moving to a place on Bella's neck. Bella could feel the gaze like something physical. Her heart was speeding up. Her breathing was rapid. Alice was holding her wrist and her pale lips were covered in blood like lipstick. She licked them and lifted her black eyes to Bella's. The girl was starved. Desperate. Dangerous. Bella attempted a smile, two tears welling in the glistening pools of her eyes.
"It's okay," she said. "It's—"
Alice lunged for her neck and whatever she was going to say was chopped off as Alice's fangs pierced directly into her skin.
Bella gasped at the pain and gasped again. It hurt more than it had ever hurt before. Her teeth seemed to be ripping at her flesh. Bella struggled in the bathtub for a moment, splashing water over the rim, splashing water onto the tiles. Alice moaned and deepened the bite, causing Bella to whimper.
But the pain only lasted a moment. The venom was already spreading into her bloodstream and a warm flush was mingling through the pain and moving through her body. She gasped again and craned her neck but she only seemed to be getting comfortable. Alice was leaning over the rim of the tub and sucking at the wound. Bella was sitting up in the water and the blood was running down her chest and between her wet breasts. She was wrapping her arms around Alice and the bite became so intense that Alice growled and tumbled over the rim of the tub and into the water with her, tightening her grip and pushing her fangs in deeper. Water sopped over the sides of the tub and wet the floor. Water soaked her hoody and jeans. Bella held her and whimpered, her eyes rolling, her naked body struggling feebly. She could feel the blood flowing out of her body. It felt so fast. Like her soul escaping. Like she was going to die.
Bella opened her eyes and gazed out over Alice's shoulder. The room had gone peculiar. The light seemed too bright and the white tiles on the walls seemed to move and breathe like the scales of an alabaster fish. Alice's hand was clenched tightly in her hair. Wrenching her head back. Sucking at the wound. Moaning. Bella was staring at the ceiling with eyes wide and dilated. Her vision blurred and didn't come back and after a moment her eyes rolled up into her head. Her body went limp. Her arms came loose and her hands splashed into the water. A pink cloud spread about her slit wrist like squid ink and the rest of the water was turning pale pink as well.
—
Bella woke sometime in the night. All was dark in the room, pitch black, and at first she thought she was dead. Then she felt something stir in the bed beside her and she gasped and struggled to rise. Warm hands held her down and a voice whispered in the darkness.
"Shh," it said softly. "It's okay. Just rest."
It was Alice's voice. Bella sobbed and struggled under the covers to get the girl in her arms. She found her and held her tight and only then did she subside back onto the pillow.
"Alice," she whimpered. "Oh god, Alice. Is that you? Is that really you?"
"Yes. I'm sorry."
"Oh god. I can't believe you're back."
"I never left."
"You didn't?"
"No. I tried, but I couldn't. I'm so sorry. I've been watching you. I wanted to make sure. I thought you'd move on and forget about me. I thought…"
Bella was crying, sobbing softly in the dark, holding Alice as tightly as her fading strength would allow. Alice was wearing something thin and Bella's fingers were like claws in her back. Alice was trying to pry her away gently. Bella was on the verge of passing out but she wouldn't let go.
"Just sleep," Alice whispered. "I'm sorry."
"I love you, Alice. I'd never forget about you."
"I know, I'm sorry. Just rest."
Bella's hands had come loose and she laid on the pillow. It was pure black and her eyes were filled with tears but she wouldn't close them. She was trying to see Alice but could only feel her. Her familiar weight leaning over her body, her hand petting her hair, her face so close in the darkness.
"Alice? Alice, are you there?"
"Shh," Alice whispered and placed a kiss on Bella's lips. The kiss almost burst her heart. Bella's eyes fell closed and Alice whispered again in the darkness. "It's okay. Just sleep. Just sleep."
Alice was petting her hair and Bella soon lapsed into further blackness.
It was morning when she woke again. Dim in the room. She was much weaker than when she woke earlier in the night. Her eyelids fluttered and she could barely keep them open. She looked for Alice and found Alice there in the bed beside her. Curled up like a mouse on the pillow. Watching her. Bella smiled and heaved a sigh.
"Alice," she whispered.
Her voice came out in a croak. Soft, weak, a breath from death. Alice smiled sadly and then she got out of the bed on the other side. Bella watched her and turned her head on the pillow as Alice came around and crossed the room and drew back the curtains.
Morning sunlight filled the room. Bella squinted at the sudden brightness but kept her eyes open and kept them on Alice. She was wearing a tanktop and trackpants. She turned back to Bella and Bella was relieved to see her face was as pretty and vibrant as it always had been, her complexion smooth and perfect like a pearl and gleaming in the sunlight, her eyes big and bright and dark like a doe. Birds were singing outside the window and the girl seemed as fresh and resplendent as the sunrise itself.
Bella smiled at her languidly and tried to sit up. Alice came forward and held her down gently.
"Don't get up," she said. "Wait here."
Alice then left the room quickly.
Bella lay there and began to panic as soon as the girl was out of sight. Tears prickled at her eyes. She was terrified that Alice wouldn't come back. She wanted to get up and run after her but she didn't know if she had the strength. Her head felt like it was floating somewhere above her and her body felt light and hollow of blood. She was getting ready to swing her legs over the side of the bed when Alice came back.
She had a tall glass of milk in one hand and when she saw what Bella was doing she rushed over and helped her. She set the glass on the nightstand and took Bella's elbow. Bella struggled up, breathing heavy from the strain, perspiration breaking out over her face. Bella sat for a moment to slow the wheeling in her head. When she opened her eyes she was looking at the glass of milk. Alice was handing it to her and her eyes were filled with sadness at the state Bella was in.
"Here," she said. "Drink this."
Bella took it and attempted a smile. She took a sip. It was cold and even just a sip seemed to revitalize her a little. She sipped some more and kept sipping until over half was gone. She took a deep breath and noticed her left wrist was wrapped in gauze and there was a small red stain in the bandage. She could feel something around her neck like a tight scarf. She touched it with her fingertips and realized her neck was wrapped in gauze as well.
Alice was watching her sadly. "You needed stitches," she said. "In both places. I sewed it myself with the firstaid kit. I think you'll be okay but maybe we should take you to the hospital."
Bella was already shaking her head. "I'm fine."
"No. You're not."
Bella smiled wanly with her ghost pale face and took Alice's hand. The smile brightened at the touch. She could feel Alice's fingers, so tiny, so familiar. She lifted the hand to her lips and kissed it and lifted her smile to Alice's face.
"I'm fine, Alice," she said. "I'm just happy you're back."
Alice strained for a smile. She didn't reply.
It took Bella a few minutes to finish the milk and afterwards Alice helped her to her feet and helped her into the bathroom. Bella caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror but the chalky pallor of her face and the blood stain in the gauze around her neck didn't alarm her. Nothing in the world seemed as important as the girl on her arm.
Bella used the toilet with Alice politely turned aside and afterwards Alice helped her back to her feet and asked if Bella wanted to go back to bed. Bella shook her head and repeated that she was fine, despite that she could hardly stand under her own power. In truth she just didn't want to waste a single second with Alice. Alice seemed reluctant to give in to her stubbornness but she nodded. She didn't want to squander any of their time together either.
Bella was too weak to shower and Alice took her directly into the kitchen and sat her at the kitchen table. Bella was slightly exhausted but not too exhausted to lean an elbow on the tabletop and gaze fondly at the girl as she made breakfast in her sleepwear, her tiny chest bundled up in her tanktop, her trackpants in a cozy fit about her hips and buttocks. Smiling. Her heart alive in her chest for the first time in so long. Alice took a fryingpan from a cupboard and lit the stove and then she opened the fridge and shook her head at its meagre inventory.
"I see you haven't been keeping up with the grocery shopping," she chided playfully. "Let me guess, you've been eating junk food every night."
Bella smiled and returned in kind. "I haven't had anyone to cook."
Alice gave her a smiling glance and then she took a carton of eggs out of the fridge, checked the use-by date, and began cracking them into the frying pan. She cracked the entire remainder of the carton, seven whole eggs, and began scrambling them up with a fork, adding a bit of salt, a bit of pepper.
Bella was watching her. The smile hadn't left her pale face and after a moment she pushed back her chair and stood up, leaning on the table for leverage. Alice had her back to her and didn't hear the chair over the sizzle of the eggs. Bella came around and put her arms around Alice from behind. Alice went still. Bella nuzzled Alice's hair with her cheek and breathed in, a hint of lavender mingled with a whiff of melted butter and frying eggs.
"I missed you so much," she whispered into her ear.
Alice still didn't move. Her voice came out cautious and slightly hesitant.
"I missed you too."
Bella noticed the odd note in her voice and felt her heart begin to sink. She turned her head to look at her but she didn't let go.
"Alice? What's wrong?"
"I'm not staying, Bella."
Bella didn't seem to understand. She froze with her arms still around the girl's waist. A black hole opened in her stomach and her whole heart seem to fall through it.
"What?" she whispered.
Alice shrugged her away gently and resumed stirring the eggs.
"Sit down," she said. "It'll be ready in a minute."
Bella shuffled back to her chair and sat down carefully, hoping—praying—that she'd misunderstood something. Alice wouldn't look at her. She had put some bread in the toaster, just two slices, and when the eggs were done she scraped them onto a plate together with the toast. She bought the plate to the table and handed Bella a fork.
"It's a lot of eggs, but you need the protein," she said.
Bella held the fork as if she didn't know what to do with it. Her appetite had vanished. Alice was pouring a cup of coffee at the coffee maker. The eggs were steaming gently. Alice bought the mug to Bella and Bella looked at her and spoke in a broken voice.
"What do you mean you're not staying?"
"You know what I mean."
"No, I don't."
"I can't stay, Bella. You know I can't."
"Yes, you can."
"Bella, please," Alice said, an edge of desperation creeping into her voice. "Don't make this harder than it has to be. Just eat. You need to eat."
Bella look down at the plate. The eggs had stopped steaming. She was still holding the fork and now she set it down and shook her head.
"I'm not hungry," she said.
Alice was still standing by the table. She looked like she didn't know what to do with herself. Bella was staring at the eggs. Her eyes were filling with tears. She knew she was about to cry and she was ashamed. She tried to hold it back. Her lip trembled. The tears began to leak and beside her Alice whispered:
"Don't cry, baby."
It was the endearment that undid her. A wretched sob escaped her and suddenly she lurched out of her chair and ran from the room, unable to cry in front of this girl, this stranger who didn't want to stay with her.
She managed to make it up the stairs and no one followed right away. She lowered herself shakily onto the edge of the bed and plucked a handful of tissues from the box beside the alarm clock. She blew her nose and wiped her eyes, sobbing quietly to herself. Her head was spinning. Her stomach lurching. She was trying to stop crying but then she thought about Alice leaving and burst into tears again. She was crying into her hands when a voice spoke from the doorway.
"I'm sorry," Alice said. "I never wanted to hurt you."
Bella's crumpled and tear stained face whipped up.
"Do you love me?" she asked.
Alice looked aside. She had a hand on the doorframe and wouldn't come in. Bella sniffed and glared at her with fistfuls of wet tissues in her lap.
"Do you?" she demanded. "You haven't said it. If you don't love me, then fine. Leave now. But if you do…"
She trailed off into a sob. Alice came forward into the room partly.
"Of course I love you," she said. "You know I do."
Bella looked up, her voice broken but firm. "Then stay," she said. "I don't care what happens. I don't care if we're doomed. I don't even care if I die. Just stay."
Alice was shaking her head. Bella's heart had lifted as she spoke and now it was dying again. Alice blinked twice with her glistening eyes and said:
"I know you don't care. But I do."
Bella hiccupped. Then she started crying again.
She had her eyes closed but she felt it when Alice sat down on the bed beside her. She didn't look up. Alice took Bella's hands away from her face. She pried the tissues out of Bella's hands. She began wiping Bella's wet face, tenderly, lovingly, and then she placed a kiss on Bella's lips.
The kiss stayed her tears, if only for now. Alice was cupping her cheek and holding their lips together. Bella tilted her face slightly. A soft moan escaped her. Alice kissed her once, twice. Each kiss caused a feeble flicker in Bella's heart and after a while Bella began to return the kiss, opening her mouth and extending her tongue. Alice opened her own mouth and deepened the kiss further. She was caressing Bella's face and after a while her hand lowered to Bella's lap. It went between her thighs and caressed the warmth there. Bella moaned and squirmed softly. Alice brushed her fingers against the crotch of her pants and suddenly Bella gasped and broke away.
She was breathing heavy and a stark red blush had come into her pale face. She was throbbing between her legs and desperate with lust for this girl beside her, this girl who had left her once and was going to leave again. Bella sobbed and suddenly stopped caring.
She grabbed her and forced their lips together.
Alice made a muffled moan but she didn't resist. Bella laid her down and made love to her with a yearning urgency and a sob that never felt her throat. She threw up Alice's tanktop and engulfed one of Alice's nipples in her mouth. She cupped the familiar weight of her small breast and squeezed it and sucked at the hard little nipple. She moved to the other one and licked at her almost angrily, as if she'd lick it off her chest. Alice flinched and moaned but it wasn't enough for Bella. She moved lower and licked her actual pants even before pulling them down, dragging her tongue firmly across the rough fabric. Alice lifted her hips and pushed down her pants and eventually Bella got her face between her thighs. Alice's familiar scent filled her head and made it spin even faster. Bella didn't hesitate. She mashed her lips directly onto her entrance and angled a kiss directly into her core. Alice hissed in a breath. Her hips squirmed. Bella moaned into her vagina and attacked it with a passion and desperation similar to what the girl had shown last night for her neck. Alice began panting and soon her spine arched off the mattress as she came with a tiny cry that was almost a sob.
She didn't need to catch her breath. She tugged her pants back up and blinked back tears. She took Bella's face—not with haste or urgency, but with longing and sorrow—and placed a long kiss on Bella's mouth. Bella returned the kiss with tears leaking out of her eyes until Alice finally laid her down.
Alice was slower, more loving, like a goodbye kiss all over her body. She lifted Bella's sweater and attended each of her breasts with equal affection, stroking them with her hands and placing kisses about her areolas before taking the nipples into her mouth one after the other and suckling at them, licking them, tasting them like little pieces of candy. Bella had her eyes closed and her chest kept flinching whenever she sobbed. Alice spent a little more time with her breasts and then pulled the sweater back down so they wouldn't get cold before lowering her mouth further, taking down her pants and ducking her head underneath. Bella felt her tongue lick lovingly across her wet netherlips and shuddered. Alice licked again and Bella started crying. It hurt so much in her chest but it felt so good between her legs. She whimpered and bucked her hips softly. Alice deepened her attentions and inserted her tongue into Bella's vagina. Bella sobbed and tossed her head and sobbed some more as Alice loved her into an anguished orgasm.
They hadn't spoken one word and they didn't speak afterward. Bella was sweating and almost fainting. Alice fixed up her clothes for her and tucked her into the bed. Bella couldn't stop crying. She couldn't even open her eyes. Alice held her and stroked her and soon Bella was asleep.
She woke later in the afternoon. Alice had made a quick trip to the grocery store and this time she bought Bella a glass of orange juice. She asked again how Bella was feeling. Bella repeated that she was fine and then she rose to her feet unassisted and went into the bathroom and closed the door without looking back.
For a long time she stood there. She had been meaning to take a shower but mostly she was hiding. Eventually she turned on the shower and took off her clothes. She left them on the floor and stepped under the water. She felt numb all over and she stood there for a long time before even reaching for the soap. She didn't bother washing her hair, just rinsed it and wrung it out as she stepped out of the shower, standing on her discarded clothes because the tiles were cold. She dried herself with a towel and realized she had nothing to wear. She thought about that for a minute and then she wrapped the towel around her body and went back into the bedroom.
Alice was sitting on the edge of the bed with her back to the bathroom. She looked over her shoulder and rose when she saw Bella was wearing nothing but a towel.
"I'm sorry," she said. "Do you want me to leave?"
Bella was cinching the towel with her hand and she shook her head. "No," she said. "I don't want you to leave at all."
Alice had nothing to say to that. She only looked down. Bella watched her for a moment and then she looked down as well.
"There's nothing I can say, is there?" she asked. "Nothing to make you stay."
Alice looked up. Their glistening eyes met across the bedroom and over the rumpled bed. Alice shook her head. Bella looked away. Then she moved to the closet to get some clothes.
The fridge had been restocked with a variety of things Bella could've had for lunch but in the end Bella decided they should go out to eat. Alice tried to talk her out of it but Bella wouldn't listen. She said Bella was too weak but Bella didn't care. She wanted to spend the day together and she didn't care how weak she was. She didn't care if she dropped dead.
Bella had bought a used truck some time ago, red in colour, and she at least let Alice drive. They drove to the diner where Alice used to work and Bella ordered a hamburger with everything and a large soda. She ate at the counter. Alice ordered nothing but she did smile a time or two and reminisced at how Bella used to make excuses to pick her up from work. Bella chuckled with her mouthful and sipped her soda. The waitress who served them was Alice's old friend and she did recognize Alice but she didn't ask where she had been or why she had left.
Afterwards they went for a walk. Alice again tried to talk her out of it but Bella didn't even reply. She only smiled and took her hand. The sky above was blue and clear and the sun was like a bright yellow portal to a better place beyond them all. They strolled on the sidewalk and as they strolled Bella remarked that they had never been together on such a beautiful day. Only rain and snow. Alice had little to say to that.
There was a park nearby at the end of the block and they turned into the lane and continued passed a small playground were a group of children played on a slide with several mothers watching them. One of the mothers turned to look at the passing couple and did a doubletake, either at their clasped hands or at the sickly pallor of Bella's face. A thin sheen of sweat covered her forehead and she looked like she ought to be in hospital. Bella and Alice continued on until they came to an iron gazebo with iron benches.
Alice helped her up the steps into the gazebo and helped her sit down on one of the benches. Bella sighed and looked about at the iron fretwork, the vines that crept across the columns. Her gaze moved wistfully, vacantly. She sighed again.
"When are you leaving?" she asked.
"I think tonight would be best."
"Are you going to stay in town?"
"No. I need to move on. So do you."
Bella didn't reply. She was holding Alice's hand in her lap and Alice was watching her with concern. She gave the hand a squeeze and kept her concerned gaze on Bella.
"Will you promise me you won't hurt yourself after I'm gone?"
Bella looked away.
"Bella? Please, promise me."
Bella didn't answer and Alice let go of her hand to take her face and turn it to hers. She met her eyes and began to plead with her.
"Please, Bella," she said. "You have to promise. I've ruined so many lives with my misguidedness, don't let me ruin yours too. It's not too late. It doesn't have to be a bad relationship. All we have to do is end it and move on. And remember it. That's all we have to do. Just remember the good things. Remember how happy we made each other. No relationship lasts forever. It's natural for it to end. But please, Bella, let's end it on our own terms. Don't let it end us. Promise me you'll move on and be happy after I'm gone. Please."
Alice's eyes were large and wet. Bella could see the sun sparkling in them. The earnestness of her words and the endless depth of sorrow in those glistening black pools—the hundred heartbreaks and thousand dreams dead—actually moved Bella to nod.
"I promise," she said.
Alice's eyes overflowed with the saddest happiness Bella could imagine and suddenly the girl threw herself at her in a hug.
"Thank you," she said, clutching her tightly. "It means so much to me."
Bella held her and looked over her shoulder. Two pigeons had alighted on the iron banister of the gazebo and one of them flew away.
They relaxed in the park for the better part of the afternoon, reclining in each other's arms on the bench until the sun began to set beyond the buildings in the distance. They didn't speak. There didn't seem to be anything else to say. After a while Alice stirred beside her and asked if she was hungry. Bella wasn't but she said that she was.
They walked back to the truck and drove to the grocery store, Alice inventing a recipe off the top of her head as she plucked product off the shelves, Bella trailing weakly behind her. When they got home it was almost dark. Alice made dinner the way she used to and Bella insisted on helping however she could, chopping a carrot and pausing to rest. She was even thankful for how her head spun so violently. It distracted her from the devastation of losing Alice once again. Alice served her at the table and poured her a glass of wine before sitting down to watch her eat. Bella didn't think she would have any appetite but she did and she ate mostly in silence after politely mentioning it was delicious.
After dinner Alice went to fetch her backpack. She had left it in the bedroom and she came back with it slung over her shoulder. Dressed in her hoody and boots. Ready to go. Bella had thought they might make love one final time but perhaps neither of them could bare it.
Bella walked her to the front door and opened it. Alice stood under the porch light and turned around. A moth passed like a portent before the bulb overhead and neither knew how to say goodbye. Bella couldn't even cry.
"Do you have any money?" she asked. "I can spare some if you need it."
Alice shook her head sadly. "I've taken enough from you."
"Well, at least let me give you money for a bus ticket," Bella went on. "A girl like you shouldn't be hitchhiking. It's dangerous."
A small smile appeared on Alice's pretty face. "Haven't we had this conversation before?"
Now tears came into Bella's eyes. She blinked them back and looked away.
"I don't know if I can say it," she said.
"Say what?"
"Goodbye."
"Then maybe we just shouldn't say it. It won't change anything. It won't make it easier."
"I guess not."
Bella sniffed and wiped her eyes. Alice watched her for a moment and then she leaned and stood slightly on her toes and placed a kiss on the corner of Bella's mouth.
"I love you, Bella," she said. "I'll always love you."
"I'll always love you too."
"I know. No one has ever loved me like you did."
"Alice, please. Just…"
"I'm sorry, Bella. Please, just go inside. There's nothing else to say."
Bella was holding the door. Alice's eyes were wide and wet, begging Bella to make this easier on her. Bella hesitated for a moment, the girl before her blurring away as her eyes flooded with tears, and then she sobbed and closed the door.
And for a moment she stood there. The click of the lock seemed to echo in the empty cavern of her chest. Her eyes were fixed and unblinking, standing still as a statue as she slowly came to terms with what was happening. With what she'd done. Alice was gone. Alice was gone for good this time and she was not coming back. And worse, Bella had let Alice leave. Stood there and said goodbye. Goodbye to the only thing in the world that she would ever truly love.
The enormity of her mistake washed over her so powerful it caused her to sway on the spot. She leaned on the door for support and had a wild impulse to tear it open and chase Alice down and drag her back. The only thing that stopped her was the fear that Alice wouldn't come. That Bella would be left begging and crying on the sidewalk while Alice diminished in the dark distance. So she sobbed. She stood there and sobbed as the love of her life wandered off into the night and she did nothing about it.
But could she really let her go?
Could she really live without her?
Bella was shaking her head, her shoulders shuddering in agony. Because she knew the truth. The truth was the same truth she had come to last night—she didn't want to live without Alice and she had no intention to live without Alice. Alice's pleas in the park had made her forget that for a brief instant but she knew now that she could never let Alice go. Never. No matter what.
Suddenly she scrabbled her fingers at the doorbolt frantically, desperate to get it open. Alice couldn't be far. Bella was weak but she knew she could run. She could run and she could scream and she would howl into the night until her voice died to bring back Alice. Finally she ripped open the door, a brittle determination flowing through her bloodless body, and—
Alice was still there on the porch.
She hadn't seemed to have moved. The backpack was still over her shoulder and she had a little fist raised as if she had been about to knock. Bella felt the breath rush out of her and stopped short. Alice saw her and suddenly she seemed ashamed. She lowered her hand. Her expression trembled. Her girlish face was wracked with incertitude and her voice came out in a broken sob.
"I couldn't leave," she whispered. "I tried, but… but…"
Her words broke off in a howl of anguish and suddenly she threw herself at Bella. Her small body thumped into Bella's chest and Bella staggered backward into the house, the door swinging closed on its own.
"I'm sorry," Alice blubbered into her shoulder. "I'm so sorry."
Bella was crying too but she held Alice and rocked her and whispered that it was okay and in her heart of hearts she was completely happy.
—
