I Do Not Own Twilight or anything associated to Stephanie Meyers. I own only my original character.
Before I start this Chapter I want to address some reviews:
From Twin68: I'm glad Paul knows too! I love that you review it encourages me to write much faster!
From Y: I haven't updated my other story because I felt stuck. It wasn't going in the direction I wanted to take it. I'll think on it for a few days and maybe update it soon?
From Anonymous: I know what you're saying because I was diagnosed 4 years ago. I'm not going to let it play out in the way you described. I'm not romanticizing it or letting someone swoop in and save the day. That's not how it works. If you'll give it a chance and continue to read you may be pleasantly surprised.
Emma (POV)
After the shit show that was my conversation with Paul last night, I knew I needed to get it together.
I have to show him that I'm better….. even though it's a lie.
I have to do something so he's not on to me and tries to stop me.
Half way through the movie we were watching I fell asleep and I'm assuming Paul carried me up to bed because around 3:00 a.m I woke up in under my blanket.
You fell asleep Emma. You didn't put in the work you needed to yesterday. I'm so disappointed in you. I thought you wanted this. Don't you want it Emma? To be beautiful and thin? Light as a feather?
Yes. Of course I do. I'll do anything.
Show me. Get up and put in the effort.
Okay. I will.
We're going to have to do something about Paul. Come up with a plan to throw him off track. Show him you're alright.
I know. I know.
Reconnect with your coach. Ask her for help. She'll know what you need to do.
My coach! Yes of course.
I haven't talked to her since I got locked up in hell.
Back when this all started for me, I didn't know exactly what I was doing. I was just eating less and running more. It wasn't until I found an Ana (Short for Anorexia) group online and found Luna that I started the real work.
She helped me through every situation for over a year. She told me what I should and shouldn't eat, how to hide what I was doing from my parents. How to fake weighing when they got overly suspicious. She was the one that taught me to skip breakfast and then eventually lunch and dinner. She made me strong. She is my inspiration…
I need to talk to her. Ask her what I should do about Paul!
Me:
Luna…. I miss you. I'm so sorry it's been so long. My parents sent me to hell.
Luna:
Emma! I missed you so much. How are you doing? How much weight did you gain?
Me:
Well, my first day there I weighed in at 92lbs. I left there weighing 125lbs.
Luna:
Holy shit. Those bastards. I'm so sorry they forced you into that. How's your progress now? I'm assuming you made it out?
Me:
Yes thank god! As soon as they opened the gates and I stepped out of hell, the watched me like a hawk. I couldn't get away with anything. It was torture. It took a couple of years but eventually I had them convinced I was "cured" so they started trusting me again. I started the work again at that point. Not as much as I would've liked, but I got down to 113 with them and now I'm on my own so no one is here to stop me. Well almost no one…..
Luna:
Damn I can't believe it took that long. At least you're back on track now. And what do you mean almost no one?
Me:
Well there's this guy, his name is Paul. I've been hanging out with him for the past week and there's this connection between us that I can't explain but he questioned me last night. Asked me why I got so weird around food and why he'd never seen me eat anything…
Luna:
Emma you should know better than to get involved with some guy. It just makes everything harder for yourself. What did you say?
Me:
I know, I know but I can't help it. I feel drawn to him. When we touch it's literally electric. I wasn't sure how to go about it, but I told him that I got diagnosed with Anorexia a long time ago and being around food now makes me uncomfortable. Then I told him about having therapists and nutritionists that monitor my every move and my every bite. I did the best I could to make him believe it but I don't think he did and now I need help… what do I do?
Luna:
You should invite him to lunch. Throw him off course. Try and make him believe that you trust him enough to eat with him. After you go to lunch, go grocery shopping and buy a bunch of food to keep your house stocked for when he's over.
Me:
But if I invite him to lunch I'll have to eat something. I don't want to do that. I've been so strong up to this point. I don't want to break now.
Luna:
Don't worry. Just order a Salad, no dressing. He shouldn't question that because you told him you were uncomfortable with food anyways. Take a few real bites, and push the food around your plated to make him think you're eating more than you are. Put another few bites in your mouth and spit them into a napkin so you don't eat more than is necessary. And then when you're done, go home and burn off everything you ate, plus some.
Me:
I knew you'd know what to do. You're the best Luna. Have I ever told you that I love you to death?!
Luna:
Anything for you my darling dear. Stay strong. Don't get carried away or you'll mess everything up. Let me know how it goes. I've truly missed you more than I can say Emma.
Me:
Me too. I'll get back on later and give you a run down!
After my conversation with Luna I feel more prepared to handle Paul. I think I can really have him in my life and not royally screw up everything I've worked for.
It's just now a little after 4:00 a.m so I get up and get ready to go for my run, knowing I won't have a chance until later tonight.
Before I do that though, it's weigh in time.
I step on the Scale- 108lbs.
I'm feel such a relief. I'm finally at an underweight BMI. But I can't stop now. I've got to work harder because the weight isn't going to come off as easily now. I'm going to be stuck if I don't push myself further.
I manage to make myself run 4 miles this morning and finish out my work out with 100 crunches, 50 lunges on each leg and 25 push ups.
I feel exhilarated as I'm working out this morning. I can already feel the difference being at 108, I feel lighter.
I make sure to quickly down 32 ounces of Ice cold water so my appetite will be under control when Paul and I go to lunch.
Speaking of Paul, and lunch, I pull my phone out to send him a text Inviting him.
It's after 10:00 a.m but I'm not sure if he's even awake.
While I wait for him to respond, I decide to get a little more exercise in so I start running up and down the stairs.
I don't stop until I hear my phone go off.
I open it up and see that it's a text from Paul accepting my invitation for lunch.
I suggest we go to the diner he mentioned on my first day here and he's obviously on board with that.
I tell him to meet me in 30 minutes and I rush up to get in the shower.
Once I'm done washing the work out off of me, I pull on some ripped black skinny jeans, and a cream colored sweater than hangs down a little low with my rose colored low top converse.
I brush my hair out and let it go natural.
Paul is at the door knocking as I'm making my way down the stairs. I open it up and give him a genuine smile.
I want him to believe that I'm alright and that I can trust him
We head out the door and make small conversation . He apologizes for questioning me last night and I blow it off like it isn't a big deal.
After a little while I make a bold move and grab his hand.
I know it's probably not what Luna would want me to do or what my brain is screaming at me to do, but I like Paul. Something about him says Home to me.
I nervously ask him what it is that we're doing.
He seems confused at first which makes me giggle.
Eventually we decide that we are dating.
My heart warms at that.
Emma. You're not here to date. You're here to get your life together. Stay on track. You know what you're supposed to do.
On track. Yes. I know what I'm doing.
Shortly after, we arrive at the diner.
As soon as Paul opens the door, the smell of fried, greasy food hits my nose and make me nauseous instantly.
Pull yourself together or you're never going to get through this.
I've got it under control. I've got this.
A waiter comes over and shows us to a little booth in the back corner and places 2 menus down before taking our drink order.
"I'll have a water with lemon please." I tell him giving a small smile.
"Strawberry milkshake for me." Paul says shooting a wink in my direction.
I just giggle and open the menu to see what my options are.
I see that they've got a side salad listed and instantly know that's what I'm getting.
The waiter comes back with our drinks and takes our food order. When I say that I want the side salad, no dressing, Paul eyes me a little suspiciously. I pretend like I didn't notice.
When Paul tells the waiter his order my mouth almost drops open.
He ordered 2 double cheeseburgers and 2 sides of French fries. Who the hell eats like that and has the type of body he has?
It should be universally impossible.
I shake it off, not spending time to dwell on what I could never have.
No, not what I could never have, but more what I will never want.
It doesn't take long before our food arrives and I finally speak up to make conversation so he's partly distracted.
"So, uhm. I meant to tell you thanks for taking me to bed last night." I tell him a little shy.
He laughs but responds "It's no problem at all really. You didn't even notice when I moved you."
"Yeah I was pretty tired." I say taking a small bite of my salad.
"Wow, you're totally right about the food here. This salad is awesome." I say smiling.
"I'm glad you like it…. Emma can I ask you something?" He says looking a little uncomfortable.
Oh no.
"Of course Paul." I say giving him a reassuring smile.
"Is it hard for you to be here? I mean at lunch with me… eating." He says looking down at the table.
I lean forward to make him raise his head and look at me so that I can be as convincing as possible.
"Yes as a matter of fact it is. But I'm making an effort." I say very seriously.
"I'm glad. I don't want anything happening to you." He says, honesty dripping from his voice.
"Thanks. It means a lot." I say halfheartedly.
This is going to get complicated I can tell.
I absentmindedly pull my fork up to have another bite of salad.
Emma remember what Luna said, only a few bites. Don't lose control now.
I won't. I've got control.
I go ahead and put the bite in my mouth and start chewing, once I notice that Paul has looked away I pull the napkin up to my mouth and spit it out, pretending to wipe my mouth.
We continue like this for awhile making small talk about each other.
I've managed to put away half my salad, hiding most of it in the napkin I put on top of my plate.
I only had 3 actual bites (95).
I'm going to have to burn that off later because that was really 3 bites too many.
So much for that control.
Fuck me.
The waiter comes back to our table and sets the check down.
I reach my hand in the back pocket of my skinny jeans to pull out my money but Paul stops me.
"I'm paying Emma." He says sternly
"You really don't have to. I'm more than capable of paying for my meal." I reply a little offended.
"I'm sure you are, but this was a date and women do not pay on dates." He says trying to hide his huge grin.
"Oh a date huh?" I say smug.
"Yes. Our first date in fact." He replies no longer being able to hide the wide grin spreading across his face.
Not that he was that successful to begin with.
I don't say anything else but instead walk up to him and plant a kiss right on his plump perfect lips.
He's taken aback by my directness, but only for a second, soon he's kissing me just as passionately as I'm kissing him.
I end up getting lost in the kiss.
It could've been hours, days, months, I didn't care.
Kissing him is unreal.
He pulls himself away, hunger in his eyes.
I'm talking sexual hunger.
It just makes me want to kiss him more, longer, harder, more than kiss.
But instead he sets money down for the check grabs my hand and we walk out of the diner.
"So, did you want to go home or were you planning on something else?" He asks.
"I actually need to go to the grocery store if you'd like to come. I have literally no food at home. I ate the last of it yesterday morning for breakfast." I lie.
"Oh sure, that sounds great." He says a little more perky than I'd like.
We head off to the grocery store and end up spending around an hour picking out different foods.
He helps me carry the bags home and once we walk n I start putting things in their designated spaces.
He sits on the bar stool behind the counter just watching me.
Eventually I turn around "What are you staring at" I say giggling.
"Nothing, Nothing its just that….." He starts.
"It's just that what?" I push
"You're really sexy when you're organizing food like that." He says with a devilish grin on his face.
I can't stand it anymore at this point. I have to kiss him before I explode.
I run over and hop onto the counter so that my lips are the same height as his.
I place my legs on either side of his body and pull his lips towards mine.
It starts off innocently but very quickly turns passionate and I yearn for more.
I break away from him so that I can pull my shirt off.
But then I stop.
He's not going to want to see the fat rolls I've got. He'll be disgusted and run away. I can't let him see me like that. What am I doing?
"Paul, I think you need to go before things get too far." I say in a monotone voice.
I can't break right now. Not while he's here.
I'll wait until he's gone to let the darkness overtake me.
"Uh…. o-okay." He says unsure.
I give him a smile and another small peck on the lips and then soon after he's walking out the door.
I jump down from the counter and run upstairs, no longer being able to hold in the tears.
I'm so disgusting. Why do I have to be so fat?
You don't have to be fat Emma. You know that. Go for a run, clear your head. Come back and do some more exercises burn off the fat until it no longer exists. You can do this, you just need to be strong. Keep your focus and you'll reach your goal in no time.
Yes a run will really help. I don't have to be fat. I will change it, reach my goal.
Whatever it takes.
Whatever it takes.
I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! I won't be able to post another today like I planned but I'll have a chapter posted tomorrow! Feel free to leave a review and let me know what you think.
