Chapter 8
"Miss Granger, I would appreciate it if you could explain to me why your homework has not been finished," Minerva looked at Hermione. She had stopped calling her Hermione. Her green eyes did not sparkle behind her glasses. She searched the young witch's face, for as far as she could see it. It was obscured by her brown curls. She looked at Hermione sitting at the other side of her desk. The young witch lifted up her head. Darkened hazel brown eyes met the eyes of her teacher. The rings around her eyes were darker than ever before. Minerva held her voice, not betraying how shocked she felt when she realized how bad Hermione really looked. "Again."
Several emotions seemed to flash through Hermione's eyes. The young witch stiffened her spine, her muscles tightened. Minerva could not see but Hermione had clutched her fists tightly, her nails again digging into her already sensitive flesh. She stared at her teacher, daring her to say anything else. Daring her to confront her. Minerva felt her insides freeze when she saw the darkness and loneliness behind her eyes. Hermione lifted up her chin, a shimmer of arrogance replaced the emotions her teacher had seen only seconds before.
"I'm sorry, Professor," Hermione told her with a firm voice. She didn't look away. She could understand why Minerva had called her in to reprimand her but she wished she would just leave her alone. Her homework had not been up to date. She had neglected her homework for the past few weeks. It was almost Christmas. By tomorrow the students would break up for the holidays and she would leave Hogwarts for two weeks. It had not remained unnoticed to anyone Hermione had not done her homework properly. It was a matter of time before someone other than Ron and Harry would question her. "It will not happen again,"
"Question is why did it happen in the first place?" Minerva leant back in her chair, her eyes still resting on Hermione. She had not felt this desperate for a long time. Hermione was so closed off from everything and everybody. Minerva had not seen her laughing and joking with her friends for weeks. She could not even remember when she had last seen the three of them together. Potter and Weasley were getting themselves in all sorts of trouble, and their homework was at their usual low standards. But it was Hermione who worried her. But she knew better than to put those worries into words. She sighed and folded her hands on her desk. "Miss Granger, I must say I am quite disappointed with you."
"Join the club," Hermione snapped without warning. She almost sounded like she had lost all interest. She took a quick breath and recited the story she had rehearsed over the past few days, ready for whenever someone asked her. The time was now. "I have had a lot on my mind, Professor. I am sorry about neglecting my homework. Like I said, it will not happen again." She made attempts to get out of her chair. She shot a final glance at her teacher. "Can I leave, Professor? I have packing to do before the holidays."
"You are going to see your parents?" Minerva questioned, barely able to hide her curiosity. She realized Hermione had not seen her parents since the night she ran away from home, during the summer. She wondered what would make Hermione go home and how it would go. She had not seen or heard Hermione talk about her parents since that day in the summer. "Have you written to them since that night?"
Hermione felt bitter. She clenched her teeth together, trying to ignore the anger boiling in her veins. "They wrote to me. I wrote back," she answered firmly. It was no lie. Her parents had written two weeks after term started, asking if she was OK. She had sent one of her usual cheerful letters home, including how sorry she was for running away. The one advantage of letter writing was that no one would ever know she lied. The thought of her parents was enough to make her feel uncomfortable. She was worried about what it would be like to see them again. They would know something had changed. They had many questions. She had things to explain to them. And she had no idea how. Or whether she even would. "We will have to wait and see" She swallowed. She did not want to wait and see. "Can I go now?"
Minerva nodded, having to let go of her doubts and fears. "You are free to go, Miss Granger." She watched how Hermione stood up. She was still wearing her uniform even though it was after school hours. Tomorrow there would be no class. The Hogwarts Express would leave at eleven o'clock sharp, taking the students home to their families for the Christmas holidays. They would not return until the New Year. Minerva watched how Hermione left her office and once the door fell shut behind her she covered her face with her hands. She had tried to break through whatever wall Hermione had built up but so far, she had failed.
~()~
Hermione had told Minerva no lie. She had not begun packing yet and by the time she made it to her Dormitory she found the others girls already packing and giggling. She did not share their enthusiasm over Christmas anymore. It seemed almost pointless. When she walked into the room it went suddenly quiet. The silence was uneasy and Hermione suspected she had been the subject of their conversation. She had gotten used to that too.
Since the start of the year her sleeping pattern had been disturbed. The nightmares haunted her frequently, though no longer every night. But they had become darker, more gruesome and the nights when Bellatrix invaded her dreams it would be more intense. She would wake up covered in sweat, her core throbbing with desire and her throat dry. She would lay awake longing for more.
Whenever she woke up screaming she would disturb her roommates but they had stopped questioning what had happened. After about three weeks they had started casting Silencing Spells around their beds, so at least their nights would no longer be disturbed. Hermione's nightmares had at first left them worried but in the end, as Hermione's behaviour changed, it became an object of interesting conversation.
"Hi," Hermione greeted her roommates distantly and pulled her trunk from under her bed. She could tell no one else moved. Several sets of eyes burned in her back. She turned around to find all of them staring at her. She suppressed the desire to ask them whether she had undiluted Bubotuber pus on her back. She forced a smile on her lips. "You guys all ready to go home?" She turned back to her trunk. She felt more comfortable not having to look at them.
"Yeah, pretty much," Lavender Brown answered. The tone of her voice betrayed she was weary of Hermione's arrival. She glanced at her friends before she eyed Hermione up from the side. She was unsure what to expect. Normally Hermione would give them all the silence treatment or snap at them if they did ask something. Her next question made it clear to Hermione that the story of her running away had indeed made it all the way around the castle. Lavender had never been one to hide curiosity well. "Are you going back to your parents?"
Hermione stopped folding up her trousers and turned around. Irritation roared in the pit of her stomach. She was frustrated. Last night she had another dream. A Bellatrix dream. She would be grumpy for two days after. She could see all the girls looking at her, secretly all hoping for the latest gossip. She frowned and then answered. "Yeah. Though I need to make a quick stop before I go but in the end, I will see them."
Ten minutes later the girls were finished and left Hermione to herself to finish her packing. She checked to make sure they were gone and then lifted the charm that hid her books from unwanted eyes. She put some of them in her trunk. She would read them when she was home. The rest she stored back under her bed put the charm back in place and threw some other things in her trunk. What had started out as neat packing had turned into a messy collection of bits and pieces. The knot in her stomach tightened. Anxiety rushed through her veins. She had not seen Bellatrix since the first day of term. No matter how often she returned to the lake, the dark haired witch never showed herself again. It made the dreams all the more intense, leaving Hermione desperate for more and always longing for the next sensation. The agony of waking up left her feeling horribly angry, all the time.
She was annoyed with people challenging her choices and decisions. Harry and Ron had finally let go of the irritating habit of asking her whether she was going to do anything with being a Black. Harry had even dared making a comment about some of the Black family fortune. Hermione had snorted at him. Money was the last thing on her mind. She had told them she had no idea what she was going to do now. Little they know about what she had been doing. No one did. No one knew.
She still practiced in the Room of Requirement as often as she could, using the Unforgivable Curses in different scenarios and different characters. The last ones had actually been teachers. Even their empty eyes gave her a sense of victory. The guilt she had once felt was long gone. Hermione was convinced she had mastered the Killing Curse, the Cruciatus curse and the Imperius curse almost to perfection. And the sense of power and victory had worked like a drug. It was something she desired. Something she needed to feel. A hole, an empty space that needed filling over and over again.
Hermione closed her trunk and made sure she put an extra Locking Spell on it. The last thing she needed was for it to accidentally open and someone to find the books she was not supposed to have. She glanced at the window. It was dark outside. The sky was filled with snow and the first flakes had gently started falling. She sighed and decided it was time for one final nice, long shower before going to bed. Hermione gathered her stuff, climbed down the stairs and walked through the Common Room before she made her way to the girl's main bathroom. Since it was late it was abandoned.
Hermione liked showering late. It relaxed her before having to surrender to sleep. She locked the door, checked to make sure there was no one else here and then unbuttoned her blouse and trousers. She slipped out of her uniform, followed by her cotton underwear. She stood there naked for several seconds, turning towards the mirror for a moment to check herself out. She frowned at her own reflection, unsure about what she saw. She didn't quite know whether she recognised the girl in the mirror. She had gained a little bit of her weight but it was still clear she had lost some. Her skin was pale and could do with some tender sunshine. Her hair was wild and bushy again.
Hermione stepped into one of the showers after having turned on the hot tab. She used some of the flowery soaps that were lined up in pumps along the wall and washed her hair with coconut shampoo. The water rained down her and Hermione closed her eyes. Through the falling water, no one could see her tears.
~()~
She was awake before the sun had climbed over the horizon the next morning. She allowed a few seconds for her eyes to adapt to her dim lit surroundings. She did not feel tired, nor did her body ache. She had a night without dreams. No nightmares. No voices screaming in her head. Hermione slipped out of bed, made her way across the Dormitory and looked out of the window. The grounds were covered in a tender white blanket of snow. Hermione smiled. It was not uncommon to leave Hogwarts for Christmas when it was covered with white crystals. She stretched herself and her eyes wandered around the room. The other girls were still asleep. A soft snoring noise could even be heard from Lavender's bed.
Hermione walked back to her bed, gathered the clothes she was going to wear and then got changed. By the time she had gotten dressed, magically lifted up her trunk and made it into the Common Room, still none of the others had woken up.
The fire in the fire place burned steadily and Hermione sat down in her favourite chair, pulling up her legs. She was wearing black jeans and a black jumper with black boots. She had bound her hair back in a loose pony tail but her curls did not want to cooperate this morning.
When the clock struck seven she could hear the first noises upstairs in both the Girls and Boys Dormitories. Excited voices, rumbling footsteps. She had been sitting in the Common Room for almost an hour by the time Harry and Ron made it down stairs. Ron was wearing his usual baggy jeans and a brown coloured jumper and he had made the effort of combing his hair. Hermione suspected that was to please his mother. Harry was dressed in worn blue jeans and a greenish shirt and brown jacket. He too seemed to have combed his hair but as usual, his hair was still messy. His green eyes sparkled behind his glasses. Hermione knew why. He would be spending Christmas with the Weasley's.
"Are you sure you don't want to come over for Christmas, Hermione?" Ron asked again as they made their way through the portrait hole. He turned to look at her.
Hermione gave him a sideways glance. It was about the tenth time Ron asked her. "Like I said Ronald, I need to see my parents. We need to talk." She hesitated. "I will do my best to be there for New Years. If they'll let me that is."
"I will give you a call," Ron suggested "With that telephone thing." Hermione's eyes widened and she shook her head in horror. Harry snorted but pretended he was rubbing his nose when Ron glanced at him with an almost insulted look in his eyes. Hermione knew very well what Harry found so amusing.
"Don't!" she shrieked and beside her Harry now openly laughed. She looked at him. They both remembered what Ron's first experience with a telephone had been like and even though her parents knew he was a wizard, she did not look forward to the idea of Ronald Weasley screaming in her ear. "Just send me an owl or something. Or I will send you ." comes first"
They had made their way into the Great Hall and found a few seats at the almost empty Gryffindor table. Hermione watched how Ron loaded up his plate with bacon, sausage, eggs and baked beans. On her other side Harry went for a more modest bowl of cereal. She sighed and picked up a piece of toast, buttered it in and cut it into two pieces. For the next fifteen minutes the main sound she heard was Ron working down his second and third plate of breakfast and Harry's attempts to build an odd looking tower out of hash browns.
Hermione looked at her friends for a few seconds before her eyes wandered around the Great Hall. The House tables had begun to fill up with excited students who were all eager to go home and a few sad, miserable faces of those who had to stay behind for whatever reason. The Staff table was full. Even Professor Dumbledore had joined them for breakfast. As she watched she saw how he was having an animated conversation with Professor Sprout, which resulted in her scrambled eggs falling straight into a pool of ketchup which splattered all over her robes.
Hermione felt eyes resting on her and slowly allowed herself to look into the direction of Minerva McGonnagal. She had not been wrong. Her mentor was looking at her. Hazel brown eyes met green across the distance of the room for a few moments before Hermione tore her eyes away and finished her pumpkin juice.
She was glad when Harry and Ron suggested to go see Hagrid before they went and she left the table to follow them, still feeling Minerva's eyes burn in her back.
~()~
The sound of the train on the rails was a numbing sound. It made her mind go empty but also allowed the horrible numbness in her chest to invade her again. Hermione rested her head against the window of the compartment she shared with Ron and Harry. Harry was reading one of his Muggle books and Ron seemed quite interested so Harry was attempting to show him things every once in a while.
"Hermione, are your parents picking you up from Kings Cross?" Harry suddenly asked and Hermione was roughly thrown back into the real world. She looked up to her best friend.
"No. They are both working," Hermione answered. It was not far from the truth. Her parents had suggested to come and pick her up but she had written back saying she and her friends were going into London before coming home to buy some final Christmas presents. It was a lie but it was a believable lie. As long as her parents thought she was all right, it would be fine. "I am taking the train and will meet them when I get back to Gravesend."
"What did McGonnagal want yesterday anyway?" Harry suddenly picked up on the fact that their Head of House had called Hermione in to see her after their Transfiguration class. He put his book down and Hermione saw the curious look in his green eyes.
Hermione shrugged. "She told me off for not doing my homework." Ron suppressed a laugh and Hermione's eyes shot in his direction and he tried hard not to show he had been smiling. "She said she was disappointed in me."
Harry shook his head. Hermione had always thought very highly of Minerva McGonnagal. He had always believed she was Hermione's favourite teacher. He had neglected to tell his friend it had been him who went to see Professor McGonnagal about Hermione's homework. She had agreed with his worries and called Hermione in after class. He looked at Hermione. The rings around her eyes had not remained unnoticed. He knew she looked unwell and she knew there was something she was not telling him and Ron. "Well, you have neglected your homework a bit."
"And so what if I have? It's not like she drags you and Ron in every time you neglect your homework," Hermione huffed and folded her arms in front of her chest. Suddenly she reminded Harry at the Hermione he met in his first year at Hogwarts. Stubborn, bossy and a little know-it-all. He tried not to smile at that thought.
"That's because she still has hope for you. She has already given up on me and Harry," Ron added and glanced at Harry and smirked. "No offence, mate." Harry smirked back. He knew what Ron meant. He turned back to look at Hermione.
"I just didn't feel like doing it," Hermione could feel her anger roar in the pit of her stomach. Her eyes darkened and she glanced out of the window. The changing scenery told her they were not far from London now. "There is more to life than books and cleverness."
Ron and Harry shared a meaningful look but both were smart enough not to say anything else. They spent the remainder of their journey talking about their Christmas plans. Ron and Harry talked and Hermione mainly listened. Judging from what Ron was describing it looked like it was going to be a wonderful, warm and cheerful Christmas with his family. Something ached in Hermione's heart when she heard him talk. She knew what her Christmas would be like. The same as every other year. She would wake up on Christmas Day to find her parents already downstairs, like they used to do when she was a child. She would open her presents and thank them. They would open hers and kiss and hug her. Her mother would cook Christmas dinner and they would eat with the three of them sat around the table. On the rare occasion her grandparents would join them. They would watch crappy day time TV before her father dozed off on the sofa and she helped her mother wash up. By the time the day was over it would feel like just any other day.
Hermione looked up when she realized the train was losing speed and her heart jumped up when she realized they were rolling into Kings Cross Station. She leapt to her feet, gathered her things and watched as Harry and Ron struggled with their bird cages and bags. It was almost an amusing sight.
When they stepped onto the platform Hermione could not avoid a warm greeting from Mrs Weasley. If there was anything to bed said about Ron's mother it was that she had plenty of love to go round for everybody. Hermione willingly allowed herself to be hugged and kissed and answered she was fine when Mrs Weasley inquired if she was all right. She once again promised Ron she'd write him if she would be able to come to the Burrow during New Years and then finally she felt relieved. She had managed to dodge the family gathering with the lie that she had to catch her connecting train. But instead she snuck out of the station and made her way to the taxi rank. She refused for the driver to help her with her trunk and climbed in the backseat. He adjusted his rear view mirror.
"Where to, love?" he asked with a strong London accent.
Hermione glanced out of the window before meeting the driver's eyes in the mirror. She smiled weakly. "Grimmauld Place, please."
