A/N: Chapter eight: Otonashi has his memories, or at least the ones Naoi could hypnotically release.
DarknessCatchingFire, you are so sweet and your review made my day. Thank you so much! I only get about an hour to write every night but it's definitely a habit I try to maintain. This chapter's pretty heavy on the HxO.
The beta-Bean loves her some Hinata. Also Ooyama. I love Ooyama. Ooyama!
"We missed you at dinner."
Otonashi looked up and saw Ooyama, flashlight in hand, approaching him on the roof. He opened his mouth to apologize, then just let out a rough sigh.
Ooyama sat beside him, clicking the flashlight off. He looked up at the stars and was, for a moment, quiet.
"I'm sorry. Naoi's hypnotism stuff takes a lot out of a guy," said Otonashi.
Ooyama nodded a little. "Yeah. Hinata's about chewed through the ropes-"
"What?"
"Kidding." Ooyama gave him a smile. "I asked him to wait. He's waiting."
Otonashi considered playing dumb about why, of all people, Hinata would be singled out. He gave up on it and said, softly, "Nobody comes here unless there's a lack of - some kind of purpose in their lives."
"You figured yours out? Or remembered it, I mean," said Ooyama, tucking his arms around his knees.
"I had a sister. Her name was Hatsune. She had cancer. I was useless to her. She died on my back." Saying the brief, heavy sentences was somehow easier. He took deep breaths between them. "I was going to be a doctor. I died in a train wreck."
Ooyama nodded a little, and glanced over. "So you do remember."
Otonashi nodded. "I guess I always knew why Yurippe was angry. It just. It just hit me. How stupid, how arbitrary, how unfair it was."
"Arbitrary is a good word," agreed Ooyama, his tone patient. "If God exists, I guess we'd want our lives - and their endings - not to be arbitrarily decided."
"Selfish, isn't it?" murmured Otonashi.
Ooyama hummed. He put his chin on his knees and closed his eyes. "I guess. But sometimes it's not wrong, being selfish."
Otonashi sighed. "Remember how... how you said it was like a scavenger hunt?"
Ooyama half-smiled. "Mhm. Leave behind a boyfriend?"
"No." Otonashi rubbed his face with one hand. "I didn't leave anyone behind at all."
"You were it, huh?"
"Nobody serious, at least." He ran a hand through his hair. "I was a good-for-nothing for a long time. I didn't - I didn't trick or anything, but I let people buy me things."
Ooyama's eyebrows rose. "That's heavy."
"I guess I'm saying it's hard to know if I'm, uh. Gay or not."
"Or both?" murmured Ooyama.
Otonashi swallowed. "Some days, I think I wanted to say 'neither.'"
Dutifully, Ooyama chuckled. He looked over. "So how are you making it make sense?"
"You mean being gay or not versus all the sex?" asked Otonashi wryly. When Ooyama laughed, he shook his head. "I dunno. When in Rome. It seems to - be centering. Almost meditative."
"You haven't been on the receiving end when Fujimaki's in a mood. I would like to see you try and meditate."
Otonashi shouldered him. "Come on. You know what I mean."
"You can trust a guy to watch your back if you can trust him to -"
"Ooyama!"
Ooyama ducked his head. "Okay, okay. Sorry. But if you're not gay, you've got me fooled."
"Why focus on that?"
"It's who you are, instead of who you didn't get to be. Yeah, being angry makes sense. It keeps you here, and it keeps you fighting. Your aim's gotten better." Ooyama shrugged. "But just because the way you died fucking sucked doesn't mean we have to talk about it all the time, and I kinda wanna know."
Otonashi bit his lip. "Hunh. You've always been certain?"
"Not until Fujimaki," said Ooyama truthfully, without a hint of shame. "But even then, I'm only really certain that he's it for me. In this lifetime, and maybe the next one."
"How can you know and not pass on?" murmured Otonashi, putting his cheek on his fist.
Ooyama shrugged. "Finding him and being at peace are two different things."
"So your peace has nothing to do with - "
Ooyama put his hand to Otonashi's mouth. His fingertips were soft, but cold. He gave Otonashi a small smile. "I'm going to go back in. You should come. It's getting pretty late."
With that, Ooyama pushed himself to his feet and clicked the flashlight back on, pointing it to the door to the roof. Otonashi grunted and rose, following Ooyama inside.
It didn't escape him that Hinata was waiting at the base of the stairwell.
Ooyama just nudged Otonashi gently before stepping around him, saying, "G'night, Lieutenant."
Hinata nodded to him, stuffing his hands into his pockets.
Otonashi watched him for a moment, the way Hinata's shoulders were hunched, the way his expression was tight and carefully blank. He stepped close, then, and tucked an arm around Hinata's neck, speaking into his ear.
"It's Yuzuru."
Hinata froze, before he gave a little shiver.
"Hideki," he whispered.
Otonashi kissed the side of his throat. "'Babe' is shorter."
"Yuzuru is more honest," said Hinata, putting his hands on Otonashi's hips.
Otonashi swallowed at the sound of his own name. He hid his face against Hinata's shoulder. "Were you waiting?"
"Naoi said he saw you crying."
"I was."
Hinata slid his hand up Otonashi's back, and squeezed the back of his neck. "I was waiting."
Otonashi bristled. "Why? For me to tell you about it?"
"Because you were crying," said Hinata. "And I wanted to make sure you were alright."
"Everything heals eventually. Especially here," said Otonashi.
"Yu -"
Otonashi put his hand over Hinata's mouth. Hinata's lips were warm and soft. "Just. Fuck me. Okay? I'll tell you about it later, you can ask whenever you want. Tomorrow."
Hinata let out a slow breath through his nose. Then he smiled. "Okay, babe. Okay."
It happened in the early morning, before the sun came up. Hinata put his mouth to Otonashi's ear and breathed, "Tell me?"
So Otonashi had. About Hatsune, about manga, about working his ass off at all hours, being wet and cold and hungry. About the feeling of someone dying against him. Not the way they've died here. The real way, the permanent way. The life of a cherished person irrevocably slipping away. And he hadn't noticed.
Hinata had kissed him then. Not his mouth, not to silence him. But his shoulder, his collarbone, the side of his throat.
"She was happy."
Otonashi cringed away, putting one hand over his face. "Hinata, stop -"
"She was happy. She loved you, and she was with you. You gave her peace."
"Stop, just. Stop." Otonashi could hear his voice break. "Hinata -"
"Let me. Yuzuru." Hinata kissed just behind his ear, his hand moving to cover Otonashi's, catching the tears before they rolled down his cheeks.
Otonashi swallowed. He took a deep breath, then another. "That moment, when the trains hit. Just before everything - stopped. I felt weightless. Absolutely, perfectly weightless. Like a mind without anything holding it down."
Hinata put his leg over Otonashi's thighs, pressed their chests together. "Before it stopped?"
Otonashi shivered. He let himself put his arms around Hinata, and found his fingers clutched at him. "I don't know."
Hinata hummed. "I got hit by a truck. Kind of silly, right?" he murmured, lifting his head to look down at Otonashi. "Everything hurt and nothing else mattered. I couldn't even regret anything. I was too busy. Everything shut down at once, until it didn't even hurt."
"It stopped hurting?"
Hinata nodded. "That's dying, you know? When you don't feel the pain."
Otonashi swallowed. "Oh. Um."
"Maybe it was different for you, huh?" asked Hinata, without a hint of judgment.
"It started to hurt when I lost consciousness. That was when it hurt," said Otonashi, looking away.
Hinata kissed the side of his neck. He pressed his forehead to the side of Otonashi's, and sighed.
"TK's teaching Matsushita V to dance," he murmured, rubbing Otonashi's chest. "It's pretty cute."
"Yeah?"
Hinata smiled. "Yeah. Not the breakdancing or anything, but the box step and those weird hand gestures. And the singing."
Otonashi half-smiled. "The singing?"
"Ye-eah," said Hinata, smiling wryly. "It's gotten bad. The two of them are the most unbelievable kind of tone-deaf."
"Ouch," said Otonashi softly. He reached up and touched the side of Hinata's face, tugging gently on his bangs. "Did you have your hair like this, when you were alive?"
"Only once I stopped playing baseball," said Hinata softly, shaking his head. "Things kind of... went downhill after that."
Otonashi swallowed. "Tell me?"
"It's a downer story, babe."
"Hideki," said Otonashi, and saw Hinata's expression soften.
Hinata sighed, and said, "Okay. Okay," and told him.
