Chapter eight – Look at me

It's almost two months ago since Lisa Cuddy woke up in her own bed in the morning with someone beside her.

House had not left when she had fallen asleep, he stayed and hold her the whole night until he finally fell asleep too. It was an unusual but nice feeling to wake up in the arms of someone except it was House and that's what probably made it unusual for her.

The fact that it was Gregory House.

She got used to their relationship, but she couldn't say what she really wants. The feeling in the morning wasn't that awkward as she thought. She watched him sleeping so peaceful and calm. She smiled when she thought that it's the same with a child. No damage while they're sleeping.

In the end, she stood up to make coffee before she would have started to cry again.

They talked a bit where he asks if she's doing fine and she thanked him for being there and the went to work and everything seemed to be fine as always.

She had never kissed him again, the moment on the ward was the first and the last one up to now.

She longed for him and wants him to hold her.

She desperatly needs him but she couldn't say it now. Of course, she said it before, but this were single moments and she never said it again. She wants him to know it, but she couldn't say it.

They never talked about it.

Sometimes, she fights against it and wishes that she could make it undone.

A part of her wants to turn back the time to change everything. She would take the elevator instead of the stairs and everything would be different. And then there's the other part of herself that wants him. He became such a special part of her life, no matter if she wants it or not.

Her heart aches when she tries to keep him away. She would like to cry everytime she sees this look on his face. The love and disappointment and the worst thing is that she could see that she hurts him.

And still, she isn't able to switch it off. She's been alone over such a long time.

She feels bad and cruel about this.

Sad about herself and what she does. He annoyed her so much times and they played their games a lot of times and he hurt her sometimes, but this is not a game anymore and these are not the reasons for the conflict inside of her although she tries to blame it on the past happenings.

She knows that it's not right and that it's something she'll have to deal with on her own.

She's pretty sure that he's in his office, maybe solving a case but she knew him good enough to say that he probably hangs around. She can't imagine that he's in clinic now.

Sometimes, while she sits in her office, talking to some donors on the phone, she thinks about of what would happen when she would walk straight into his office and kiss him? No one knows up to now and then they would all know and she wouldn't care anymore, because she's the boss and everytime she thinks about doing this, something holds her back.

With the time, she realizes that it's fear that keeps her apart from him.

She's afraid that it wouldn't work out in the end and she couldn't stand thinking about how work would be if they got apart or end up fighting and everything will be bad!
She sits in her office and tries to do some paperwork, but the sheets are still blank, because she couldn't concentrate.

Everytime, she tries to focus her thoughts at the important things, House is stronger.

The guilt she feels is too strong to deal with.
She throws her pen on her desk and lays her head in her hands. She couldn't stand this anymore...

He stopped hanging around in clinic because he knew that Cuddy wouldn't show up. So he prefers going back to his office where she won't show up either.

He sent the ducklings away and sits in his chair, his ball in his hands. After a while, he starts to throw it to the wall and catch it all the time. He needs to do something.

He wanted to talk to Cuddy all the time, but she pulled him away and he doesn't understand her. He had done nothing wrong and maybe he'll never understand her.

He wants to be there for her, wants to hold her in his arms, because he knows that she needs it and he wants to know why? Why is she doing this? What happened to her?
He couldn't stand that anymore.

Every evening, he went home after work, he feels empty. Once in a while, he plays the Piano. Wonderful, relaxing sounds but they didn't make him feel better. When he went to bed and insomnia keeps him awake, it's worse than ever, because he always thought about her.

Her smile, and her wonderful eyes. Her lips coming closer and place a soft kiss on his lips. She stands on her toes, because he's too tall for her and he would lay his arms around her hips to hold her...

He's still throwing the ball on the wall when he suddenly stops and starts looking for something in his desk.

Soon, he found what he was looking for. A little orange bottle with white small pills. The pills that once almost killed him.

It's vicodin.

He stopped taking it after he met Cuddy on the stairs. He knew she doesn't like this and she always says that there are other ways and he believed it once. It was hard in the beginning, just because he was used to it and up to now, it's okay.

He thinks about taking some pills. He thinks about the wonderful feeling the pills will give them and he would feel his body relaxing. Almost like a kiss.

He leans back and closes his eyes. He won't start using it again. He never wants to go back to the dark part of his life that had been once so cruel. He won't start using drugs just because something was going on with Cuddy. He has to talk to her, no matter if she wants to talk to him or not. She will talk to him, he won't let her go before they talked! The old House had never given up and he will not either.

He throws the orange bottle away and leaves his office. Minutes later, he enters Cuddy's office without knocking. He closes the door behind himself and sits down on the chair in front of her desk.

„May I help you?" she asks.

„I hope you will."

„How?"

„Talk" he simply says.

Her look is a bit surprised and confused.

„We already talked!"
„No we didn't and you know that!" he tries to be calm, because he gets angry.

„House..." she starts, but he interrupts her.

„No, listen to me. All you do is avoiding me. You send me away every time you can. You're barely talking to me and that's not your manner... what's going on with you?" he wants to know and his voice becomes silent and soft.

She lays her head in her hands again and takes a few deep breaths.

„I don't know..." she whispers and stands up, turning her back on him and watches out of the window.

„I know that I did things wrong-" he tries to explain but she interrupts him.

„No, it's not because of this..." she says and sounds sad.

„Then tell me what it is!"

„After the kiss... everythings seems to be so different and I sometimes think that it was a mistake" she says and regrets her words in the same seconds but it was too late to take them back.

She could almost feel how he must feel and her eyes are filling with tears. The silence between them is really uncomfortable.

„I don't know what I should say" he whispers and bits his lip. „There's maybe nothing else to say..."

„What do you think about it?" she wants to know and still couldn't bring herself to turn around.

He hesitates a moment and says:

„I think it was the best thing I ever did in the last few months and it changes me and it felt so right!" he says almost whispering and keeps the distance between them, because he's afraid of being regreted again.

Lisa tries to breath calm and tears are coming up, his words are touching her.

„It's just that I can't being around you. I can't stand to have you so close to me, because in the end it won't probably do any good. And I'm afraid that it'll end up worse and everything will be more difficult as it already is."

He hears her crying and she could see him in the window in front of her. He looks to the ground and waits for a reaction. He looks so sad.

„If you think it's a mistake then turn around and say it. Look me in the eyes and say that it was a mistake."

„Please, stop this..."

„Look at me and say that you don't want me."
He waits a few seconds but she didn't move, she could still see him and suddenly he wants to leave without saying anything, but she calls him back.

„Greg..." she says in a tearful voice. „I can't!"
„Can't what?"
„I can't tell you that I don't need you. It would hurt too much..." she whispers.