Chapter Eight: Difficult Truths
-=/\=-
Kathryn lay in her bed thinking on what Chakotay had just told her. Apparently the reason why the ship that she came from was in the Delta Quadrant was because they had been pulled there against their will, and he'd told her that they'd decided to save the Ocompa and destroy their only means of getting home. She hadn't been fully convinced by what Chakotay had told her that they'd decided together. There was just something about his voice that told her there was a lot more to his story then he was telling her. She also had a feeling in her gut that he wasn't telling her the truth. Was it simply a feeling or was it a bit of a memory, a subconscious understanding that the story he was telling had more to it, though she didn't know it in the for front of her mind, but the back of her mind knew more.
She sighed, she couldn't sleep. She stood and walked around the room looking at all of the details that were around her. She smiled as she saw the pup tucked quietly on a bed in the corner. She hadn't noticed any other pets on the ship. Maybe when she got her mind back, if she ever got her mind back she'd have to remedy that.
"Computer," she called out, Chakotay had taught her that the computer responded to voice commands. "Do I have any journal or log entries?" she asked, she didn't know how she knew, but she knew that they kept records for everything.
"Affirmative," The computer's stale voice echoed through the room.
She thought for a moment and saw a monitor sitting on a desk in her quarters, "can you please display all log entries for the first week after Voyagers lunch." She sat down and looked at the screen. After about an hour of listening to and reading her longs she was almost in shock. Had she really made all these decisions, where nearly half her crew actually outlaws? Including the man that had been so kind and caring to her?
She was now more lost about who she was then she had been just a few days before. She stood and started to pace. What she'd learned was very disturbing to her, yet it seemed that despite all that she'd done to them they all cared about her greatly. She felt overwhelmed, he'd kept information from her, perhaps he was simply trying to avoid exactly what was going on in her mind, but at the same time she was upset by the fact he'd lied to her. Okay maybe she hadn't really been lied to, but she had had a significant amount of information withheld from her. She was now scared, she sat down on the couch and curled her knees to her chest and started to weep.
-=/\=-
Chakotay awoke, he just felt that there was something wrong, a sixth sense so to speak. "Computer time?" he asked.
"The time is 0502" the computer responded.
He decided that he should get up and check in on her, "Computer status of Kathryn Janeway?"
"She is alert." The computer stated.
"Location?" he asked.
"Kathryn Janeway is in her quarters." The computer stated again.
He got up and dressed, then made his way to her quarters, she was awake so he didn't feel bad about checking on her. He pressed the chime on her door.
-=/\=-
She looked up when she heard the chime ring. She wiped her eyes and wondered who would be calling on her at this time of day. She tried to steady her voice as she called out "come in." She looked down as she saw who it was.
He stepped into the room and he could tell instantly that there was something really bothering her. She wasn't looking at him, which was a change from just the night before. "Kathryn?" he asked walking over to her and sitting next to her on the couch.
She still didn't look up at him, she wasn't sure what to say or do at the moment. Her emotions were running wild, her brain trying to justify the information that she'd learned about herself and the people all around her.
He reached his hand out to touch her shoulder, "Kathryn what is it?" he asked. He could tell even in the low light of the room that she'd been crying. "You can tell me." He stated, he brushed some of the hair away from her face and she turned away.
She took a deep breath, and placed her elbow on her leg and her right check into her hand. "I" she paused for a moment, she'd noticed that her voice was rather unsure and she was sure he'd noticed too, "I accessed my logs."
His eyes closed, she was always extremely curious, and he had forgotten to try and limit her access at least until they'd figured out how to restore her memories. "I see," he stated, not sure what else to say.
She moved to look at him, her grey eyes shimmering and searching his. "You didn't tell me that it was me that made the decision to strand everyone here." She swallowed, "why did I force the people I'm supposed to care for to possibly spend the rest of their lives separated from their families." She was desperately searching for an answer.
Chakotay's heart sank, "You decided to destroy the Caretaker's Array to save the lives of millions of people, if you hadn't done that, they would have been destroyed." He supplied, "if you hadn't done what you did, there would have been genocide if the Kazon had been allowed to possess the technology that the Caretaker had."
Tears were trying to spill over, "what made the lives of strangers more important than that of the people I was supposed to take care of?"
"Look Kathryn, you felt that it was wrong to sacrifice the lives of millions just for your and our own needs. Yes, at first there were some people that weren't happy about it at first, but they not long after came to the decision that you had made the right choice." He could see the tears falling silently down her cheeks, "Kathryn everyone on this crew loves you, respects you, and would follow you anywhere you lead them. You would give your life for them, and they would give theirs for you. Every decision you have ever made as their leader was for their own good or the good of millions of innocent people, the crew respects you for that, you have also never given up, there were times when we could have set down someplace and given up, but you refused to do so, you pushed through and we have traveled so far and gone through so much in the time we have been here. So don't you dare second guess anything you have ever done."
She couldn't stand what he was saying; he had so much faith in her when she at the moment didn't have faith in herself. She looked him in the eyes, and with a shaky voice, "I'm seconding guessing things that I don't remember doing."
She was so upset he did the only thing that he could think of; he reached his arms out to her. She closed her eyes and leaned into him, he held her while she was trying to regain composure. She did feel safe in his arms, and she could feel that he truly believed what he was telling her.
-=/\=-
Deb was pleased when she'd gotten a call from who they now knew was named Kathryn. She was also surprised, she'd heard the Neelix man call her captain, but it hadn't processed that she was indeed the captain of the ship she'd been returned to until she'd told her herself that she was. She had had no idea that she'd been entertaining someone quite as important as she was, and she was very thankful that she had taken such good care of her. That meant that the crew of Voyager would be far more likely to be friendly to them then if they had mistreated her.
Kathryn told her that the Voyager would stay in orbit for quite a while, Chakotay had told her this, they were using the time for some rest and relaxation and for some repairs the ship needed and maintenance that was required for the ship to stay in good working order. Kathryn also told her that she had been told by the Holographic Doctor that she would be going in for surgery by the end of the day. Hopefully when she awoke she would know everything that she was supposed to actually know. Deb had requested to be present on the ship when she went though the surgery, she had grown close to the woman and wanted to make sure she was doing well.
The Doctor had agreed and thought that it would be a wonderful idea to have a bit more help in sickbay, for at least now, than Tom Paris was. She had already transported to the ship, and was being informed as to what the procedure would in tell.
-=/\=-
Kathryn and Chakotay had spent a rather emotional day as she was fighting to come to terms with the information she'd been learning about herself and the ship. They were sitting back in her living room; he'd taken her on a complete tour of the ship. After a meal they retired to her quarters to wait for the Doctor to call her. She was nervous and prayed that it would be a success and she'd remember everything in full so she could stop second guessing her life. She turned to look at Chakotay; there was something that she really wanted to know. "Chakotay?" she asked, her voice sounded unsure.
"Yes," he said as he took her hands, there was something in her voice that made him nervous.
"I've been wondering, about our relationship. I know we started off as enemies, and I know we are obviously very close, I was wondering exactly how close we were?" she'd locked eyes with him.
He was looking deeply into her eyes; she always asked such difficult questions. He smiled and touched her cheek. "Honestly," he started, "we are very close, but there are some boundaries that we haven't crossed." His face looked extremely hurt as he spoke to her. She'd seen how much he loved her when he looked at her, and she could feel the attraction in herself.
She looked down a bit disappointed, "why?" she asked looking back up into his face.
He swallowed; he wasn't sure what to say, he had never thought that he'd have to explain that it was she that didn't want the relationship. "Well, as Captain, you feel that it wouldn't be in the crew's best interest for us to become involved." He looked away from her, the pain at having to tell her the way it was, was far more then he could handle.
She felt the tears coming to the surface once more, the pain on his face was almost more then she could handle. She squeezed his hand, and was about to say something else when they were interrupted, "Doctor to Janeway."
She looked away from the man sitting next to her and wiped her eyes, "Janeway here, yes Doctor?" she said, only the smallest warble in her voice betrayed her feigned normality.
He ignored her obvious distress; he figured she might be having a difficult time. "We're ready down here."
"Alright Doctor, I'm on my way." She closed the link, and looked back at him. Both of their faces held a sadness too them. "I guess we should go."
He nodded and stood, he offered her his arm and she took it. She wondered what really was wrong with her to have never allowed him in. She'd learned that she had originally been involved with someone in the Alpha Quadrant, but he had given up on her. She was alone and wondered why she was making herself stay that way. She guessed in a little while she may know the answers to those questions. They arrived in sickbay and the EMH had her lay down on the biobed. Deb took her hand as the Doctor sedated her. Chakotay was shooed away and they began the procedures that would hopefully restore her sight in her right eye, and give her back her identity.
