A/N: Hello there :) It's been +/- 2 months since my last update and I'm really sorry about that. I had a writers block but I hope the writing will go smoother from now on. I'm not sure if the chapter is all that good but I suddenly got the urge to write something. I think the story might be a bit too serious sometimes but on the other hand, I kinda like where the story is going.
Rating: T (just some cursing)
"Why did it turn out like this?" I sigh, feeling tired though I've done nothing but lying on my futon all day. I don't remember how I got home, all I know is that somehow I ended up at Yorozuya and being dragged inside by a worried Shinpachi.
My mind went blank as soon as Hijikata left the bath, only to wake up slightly from my daze when I felt Shinpachi dragging me towards my room. I faintly remember I mumbled an apology and asking him to take Kagura and go to his house. I noticed his worried glances but he didn't ask anything. He just nodded, telling me he would wait till I came to get them and that I should take my time. I smiled, grateful he didn't ask anything. As soon as I got in my room I walked to the futon. As soon as I felt the soft, almost comforting bed beneath me my mind wandered off, wondering how I ended up in this mess again.
I'm the Jack of all Trades for gods sake, I should be able to solve this! No... .. You know, don't you? It's not that simple, it's never been and probably never will. Because even though you could try and help him, it wouldn't matter if he doesn't want to. Because it''s almost too much to handle, to even bare with it. I roll over again, getting tired of fighting off my own thoughts. My head hurts and my mind is spinning, I just don't want to accept the cruel thoughts that are running through my head. I don't want Hijikata-kun to run away any more yet I don't want to force my opinion or feelings onto him. He has enough reason to deny all this. And I wouldn't even be able to be angry or disappointed about it because I know... … because I know...
My heart aches painfully when I remember that sad look in his eyes I've seen too often, I'm sure he was unaware of the pain that showed his eyes though. If he knew he would've put on that cold indifferent mask... Those countless times I've seen that look, how often haven't I wanted to do something to make it disappear? Over and over again I saw the look I hate to see the most yet I can't do anything but silently hope.
The pain, self blaming, sadness and loathing... I despise the fact that I know that look all too good. After all, there is a reason I tend to avoid mirrors... Or Katsura...
That sad, painful look as if his heart is being stabbed, no, crushed by guilt and denied by regret, I've seen it way more than I wanted to, back then... It's something I desperately avoid because it brings back those red stained memories, it brings back the pain and suffering from what seems like an entire other world. And it might have been.
A cold place filled with darkness, air stained with that sickly familiar iron smell... a place where clashing blades and screams were all one could hear... A place stained with that hateful and sinful red liquid... A forsaken place.
Lonely. So... lonely. A cold and bitter place where hope and reason slowly fades from ones mind as time mercilessly continues.
Without noticing when I've covered my eyes with my arm, denying the flashbacks... Almost unconsciously trying to prevent myself from seeing those memories again, desperate to avoid recalling everything.
I might act stupid sometimes but I sure as hell know, I know why Hijikata is being so hesitant about all this. Even though he wasn't there I know that he's been through something similar. No matter how hard he tries the pain and sadness that should've been forgotten still haunt him... and it shows in his eyes. I wonder why other people can't see it? Perhaps only us, cursed ones recognize the pain?... That mind consuming, maddening feeling of pain, loneliness, or rather, emptiness?
It hurts. So much. The pain won't go away, it won't fade... not even in the endless flow of time. We can't close our eyes for it became part of whom we are. It made us stronger yet we paid a price that was far too high. Though it was worth it in the end it changed it. And not in the good way.
But probably because of his pride, he won't admit all of it and make up excuses; like he did today. Though we both know we won't talk about it. Because if he admits the real reason to himself he'll have to remember. To accept it he'll have to lower the iron wall he set up to protect his wounded heart... That's something I won't even ask him to do, it's not something I should even want him to do! Yet we both know he can't go on like this...
I didn't want to see him getting hurt because of me. So what else could I've done than let him go, hoping that after time passes he'll realize he won't be able to run away from it any longer? No matter how hard you run, the past guilt, pain and memories will catch up to you. I don't want that day to come for him yet I want to see him happy... and I know he won't be able to genuinely smile as long as he continues to run... I know he'll stop running one day, he won't be able to run any more. Being tired of everything he'll be forced to deal with it... He'll stop running.
I went through the same situation a few years ago and I hate to know what he'll have to go through. Because it was so fucking hard... Without Katsura I probably would've sunken into depression, tired of living, tired of fighting off the pain. Or I would've gone completely berserk. Probably both... I don't want him to go through the same. I've seen friends and comrades gone through it too often, taking the wrong path, leading insanity, depression or even death in the end... I never want to see that look on his face, never!
Fighting against the hot and bitter tears of regret I feel like I'm losing control, slowly giving in to the pain, foolishly hoping the pain in my chest will disappear if I stop fighting it. Slowly feeling my sanity fading I grab the sheets with too much force, almost tearing them. The burning pain in my chest keeps increasing, making it close to impossible to fight off those memories; the screams, the hollow yet desperate or worse; mindless look in the eyes of those around me, the sickening smell of iron... Stop it, stop... stop...! Stop it! Don't think about it, don't let those past memories take your mind over!
"Ha.. … .. Hahaa... Ahaahaaaa... Hahaaahaaaa! Hhaha, Ahhahaa!" I hear myself laughing though I'm not sure if it's even my voice. I try to smile as I feel I'm losing control over myself more and more. If I wasn't busy fighting off the chaos in my mind I would've been disturbed by the maniac undertone of my laugh. Yet I can't seem to stop it, filling the room with the crazy sound. When I finally finished laughing I smirk bitterly, I'm such a pathetic idiot. I'm a fool, wanting Hijikata to try and deal with his past while I'm almost losing myself over merely remembering a bit of it. I stretch my arm, looking for my sword. A wave of relief washes through me as I feel the all too familiar wooden sword, clenching it in my fist I release the breath I didn't know I was holding.
That's right, I choose to fight with this wooden sword because I didn't want more people to die by my hand. This is whom I am now, I can't let go of that. I have to remember, I'm not the same person I used to be anymore. I've changed. For the better.
As I feel myself calming down I curse, hating the fact I'm still so weak. It all happened years ago, everyone seems to have moved on. But here I am, a pathetic loser who almost gave in to to the pain just from remembering those days. I've been depending on Katsura too much lately I guess. With him around it's... different. The pain isn't as sharp as usual, the memories are hazier and the emptiness isn't as dark and cold as it used to be. It's just that... .. with him around breathing seems to be easier.
I should've realized it, how much his past is hurting him, why he can't just accept happiness or nice things like other people can. Because he never had someone to get him through all that shit he's never gotten over it.
I know I've been blessed because I had Katsura by my side for all these years. I would've never ever been able to have dealt with all of that on my own... Heck I can't even image trying it; feeling messed up like that without someone to depend on, to share your pain with, who tells you that you aren't the worst scum on earth, who'll stop you when you reach the limit of your sanity, someone who'll cry with you, someone who'll reach out to your almost shattered and stained soul in the depths of your darkness and pulls you out of it...
Someone who'll just sit next to you, silently, just leaving you be. Just sitting there, letting you know that there's still someone who truly cares for you even in this cruel and lonely world. Someone who knows how you feel, who has been through the same and shows it's possible to deal with it... Like a small flame in the mind consuming darkness, gently shining it's light to show you the way while slowly warming your ice cold heart.
Someone who won't disappear and leave you all alone like all those other did in the end...
I couldn't have done it without him. I wouldn't have found the will to live and raise my head to the future he tried to show me. I would probably not be alive by now, not without my most trusted comrade. Not without my precious friend since way back our childhood. Not without Katsura.
I wish I could be that person for him. If only I could share even a little part of his heavy past I would be happy. I don't want to see him fighting this maddening battle all on his own... Because I know how dangerous it is to sink too far into the cold yet alluring darkness, the darkness that promises to take away all your painful memories and pain... Because I know it feels to lose control over your self restraint and sanity, feeling it slipping through your fingers but when you're too far gone to even care. At those times you need someone to pull you out of it... I wish I could be that person for him...
I really don't want him to go through the same, I would rather have it happen to myself again than have him deal with it! But I know I can't. So I'll try to be there for him, trying to ease the pain even a little.
So please, God, Buddha, someone, anyone; please let him know he's not alone in this. I'm not asking for something for myself so please listen to this selfless wish. I don't care if he won't return my feelings in the end. I just want to lessen the burdens he's taken on himself for all those years as much as I can. Knowing this pain and twisted madness too well I want to spare him those feelings as much as possible. Please, don't let it happen to him like what happened with me!
I'm not asking for a miracle; I simply wish for him to be able to smile genuinely, to be happy and know he'll always have someone on his side. I want him to know I'm here, that he can rely on me. Not just because I'm in love with him but because he deserves it more than anyone I know. He who has taken all that pain upon himself, suffering silently while smiling in order to not worry his comrades... It hurts to even think about it.
So please let him know that I'm here for him. Always. That he can show weakness and be vulnerable, that he, even for a little while, can be a normal human with feelings when everything is too much to handle. I wish he would know I'm here for him, willing to share all of his pain, the sadness, guilt and self loathing so he can go back to his comrades in the Shinsengumi with his head high, smiling sincerely.
~ I simply wish for him to know I'll always be here for him,
I want him to know that there's someone who'll accept him unconditionally,
so he doesn't have to worry about his past,
so he'll finally be able to move forward... ~
Ignoring the painful ache in my chest I slowly get up and stumble to the window. As soon as I open it the cold night air flows in my room, drying up my long forgotten tears. I inhale deep and relax, it feels like the cold air clears my mind from all the worries and unwanted memories. I open the window further and look for the moon. The gentle silver light shines has something soothing, almost soft. "Will you carry my wish towards him?... .. I simply want my feelings to reach him so please listen to my request... I just... .. just... don't want to see him hurt... .. … He's too precious to me. Ne, won't you?..."
I slowly turn around and lean with my arms on the window post, concentrating my thoughts on the moonlight that gently shines upon a part of my futon and floor. I stand there like that for a while, slowly feeling the pain and sickening pain fade completely to the unconscious part of my mind. Finally feeling like I got my emotions under control again I inhale and exhale deep while smiling, feeling relieved. Relieved everything went well in the end. Though I didn't cross the line, it was close. Way too close... .. A little, just a little more and I would've... Just like back then... … I.. … .. What if... … if...? No. I promised myself, didn't I? That something like that would never happen again. Never.
I shake my head violently, trying to shake those dark thoughts away. It won't happen ever again, I won't let myself go that far ever again. Never again... Also for his sake... I slowly walk back towards my futon, exhausted. Making sure I can see the moon I allow myself to feel happy for the first time this night. Closing my eyes I let the gentle silver light soothe my mind, calming down completely.
When I'm almost asleep I sense someone approaching the house, why would someone be out at this hour? I immediately get up and walk towards the window, quickly scanning the street for any potential threat.
When I see the dark shadow I feel my eyes widening a little; a lone figure is standing under my window and looking up towards me. I instantly relax as I recognize the familiar silhouette, guess I was worried for nothing. But still, why is he here, especially at this time?
I see the silhouette waving at me, trying to get my attention. I nod in acknowledgment and raise my hand, signing that he should come inside. The figure seems to hesitate but nods in the end while walking towards the stair. I feel my heart beating a little harder than usual, idiot, where are you getting all happy over?
When I hear a soft knock on the front door I realize that Shinpachi and Kagura aren't home, guess I'll have to open it then. Though I usually think it's handy to have them around I'm glad they aren't now. There are a few things that they don't have to know about and with them around I'll be worried they'll hear the conversation...
I forget all of my worries though, as I walk towards the door as I feel myself smiling slightly.
This is too much of a coincidence, ne? For him to arrive so late in the night, almost like he heard my silent wish not to be alone now. Though with him I never know for sure, maybe he did...
He knows me too well I guess, it wouldn't even surprise me if it were true. Not that it really matters, he's here now and that's all what counts.
I hear another soft knock on the door, followed by a soft "Gintoki... Open the door... .. I think.. .. … You know, right?.. ... I'm late aren't I?.. … ... Are you okay?.. … ... Do.. … .. do you want to talk?…" I slowly open the door and smile warmly at him, he always manages to cheer me up when I see him. Especially now, after the shit I've been through this evening I feel really happy seeing him.
We stand there like that for a while, neither of us saying knowing what to say because we both know why he's here. It's just... .. it's still so fresh...
Finally breaking the peaceful silence I take a piece of his sleeve, carefully avoiding eye contact as I gently pull him closer, hinting that he should come inside. He obediently follows my lead, still patiently waiting for my response. I avoid his stare and look at the ground, not sure how I'm even supposed to reply before I finally look up in those familiar eyes, whispering softly;
"Mmm... .. yeah.. … We should talk. But before that... … .. I just want to say …
"I've missed you..."
A/N: So what did you think of this? I'm not sure if this chapter went well but it's almost 3 AM and I wanted to upload it even though it's kind of like a rough sketch.
I think it's rather difficult to write from Gintoki's POV. I feel like I write him too serious but I don't know how to add something more light hearted in the story without messing up the mood I'm trying to set...?
