Hours
Chapter 8
Temari left in the morning, and Kankuro gave her a bento box he'd put together for the trip as a kind of apology for all the trouble lately. She hugged him after accepting the gift.
Kankuro stood in the middle of the kitchen, milling around. They'd gotten up earlier than usual to see her off, and now he had too much time before work. He didn't feel like eating, and he didn't really feel all there.
Gaara nursed his green tea and poked at his ramen noodles, looking similarly pensive.
"Are things really going to change?" Kankuro asked. He didn't want to speak, didn't want to end the silence that settled around them, but he couldn't help himself.
Gaara looked up at Kankuro quizzically.
Kankuro wanted to back down, but he felt compelled to continue. "Or is it just going to be more of the same?"
His brother tilted his head.
Kankuro sighed. "You don't know what I'm talking about."
Gaara shook his head.
Kankuro ran a hand through his hair. "Okay. There was this kid at school. You didn't know him – I mean, I didn't either, I wasn't friends with him or anything – but he had this phrase, and it got stuck in my head. He said, 'Same shit, different day.'" He made a face.
Gaara nodded. "Oh…Like 'the day on the right is like the day on the left.' I've heard that one before."
Kankuro smiled wryly. "Right, but that one has less appeal to kids with a preference for profanity. When the teacher was around, he said it, 'Same situation, different day,' though. He wasn't stupid."
Gaara's smile quickly faded. "What is this about? Is this about Temari?"
Kankuro shrugged. After a moment, he admitted, "Yeah, man. I mean, I know it is. I just…don't want things to be the same, day after day. And it feels like it is. I do something to try to make her happy, and it does for a little while, but then…she comes back to me with a new complaint. Shikamaru seems to make her happy, and since we talked about why I didn't feel happy for her, I guess I'm okay with it…" He chewed his lip. "But now I'm afraid it won't work. What if she comes back to me and says Shikamaru doesn't make her happy anymore, and it becomes my responsibility again?"
Gaara got up, crossed the kitchen, and squeezed Kankuro's arm. He looked his niisan right in the eyes. "It will never be your problem again. Ever."
Kankuro wondered how his brother could be so confident.
Kankuro worked through his missions of the day thoroughly, competently, but mindlessly. He felt as though he were sleepwalking, waiting for something to happen to wake him up. He realized he hadn't slept well last night, though he didn't remember any dreams, and when he got home, he was already exhausted.
He followed the sound of a knife against wood into the kitchen and saw Gaara at the counter, chopping cabbage for a yakisoba meal. He could tell because the other ingredients were already in bowls and a package of fresh noodles from the market was lying out.
"Good evening," Gaara said without turning around. "I am trying out a new recipe. I think it will be easy after learning miso soup."
Kankuro gave him a tired smile. "Yeah, jan. It's basically just stir fried vegetables and meat with noodles. You've done that kind of thing lots of times before."
Gaara turned around and waved him towards the table with his knife. "Sit down. Please. I can handle this."
Kankuro found himself sitting at the kitchen table with his elbow propped up, resting his chin in his hands. He knew he should be happy – happy that he put in another day's work and was still alive, happy that he was home and didn't have to worry about making dinner. But he hurt, somehow on the inside where he couldn't quantify it.
"Is it all wrong?" he asked finally.
Gaara looked at him inquisitively but didn't offer a response.
Kankuro sighed. "Is it all wrong, what I did? Because I didn't think I could stop. Temari said I could have stopped. I could've stopped at any time and she wouldn't have been annoyed with me. But I didn't. And because I didn't, I let her think that I liked it. And then when I said I didn't like it, I hurt her feelings. She thought she was being punished for something. She got mad. And then when I tried to take it all back, she wouldn't let me. And she just kept badgering me about it. And now, when I make her something and I give it to her, she's all happy with me again, but I don't know if I did the right thing. Was it wrong to give her a bento for the road? Is that all I did? Or did I collapse my entire attempt to get her not to treat me like I'm some servant instead of her brother? Do I have any right to feel that way? Do I have any right to be annoyed?" He looked up at Gaara, lost. "I don't know. I just don't know, jan."
"This could be about anything, about any situation, between any two people," Gaara said. "If you are confused, move it into a different context that you do understand."
"But how do I do that, jan?" Kankuro asked. "It's so ingrained. I just can't think clearly enough to make a decision about what it is or isn't like."
"Then think of it this way," Gaara said. "What if you were the woman and she were the man?"
Kankuro huffed. He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "Then I wouldn't have a leg to stand on, jan. I'd just be whining about not doing my job."
"Do you really believe that?" Gaara asked. "Do you really believe that there would be no difference?"
"If the situations were reversed, if I were Temari and she were me, I would be looking after my little brother because I had to, because we had no mom left. And then she would be leaving all her dirty clothes lying around and not picking up the dishes and not making dinner, because she was the little brother and she doesn't have to do any of those things. And then I would get in trouble for saying I don't wanna do it anymore."
He noticed Gaara was looking at him strangely and stopped. "What?"
Gaara gestured. "Did you notice that whatever position you put Temari in, she had the power? When she was your little brother in this scenario, she didn't have to do anything because she is the little brother. But in her situation currently, in her real life, she is the older sister who doesn't have to do anything because your father told you to take good care of her. Do you see what I mean?"
Kankuro chewed his lip. "I…" He shook his head. "No, I don't."
"Why wouldn't you be the protected older sister if she was the younger brother?" Gaara asked. "Why wouldn't she be the one charged with your survival, because you would literally be her: the one Father asked you to protect?"
Kankuro stared at him. "I have no idea."
Gaara leaned back, satisfied. "That's because you can't imagine Father actually protecting you."
Kankuro felt a hard, cold ball suddenly knot in his stomach. "What are you saying?"
"You don't think Father loved you, so you don't think Temari does either," Gaara said. "Or me."
"But I know you love me!" Kankuro protested. "That was never in question, ever since the –"
"Ever since the day I stopped being insane anymore," Gaara said quietly. "I know. But you still don't take that knowledge into your heart. You still stop it from getting there by being too hard on yourself and by getting upset when you think you haven't upheld the perfect standard of a niisan to an ototo. You still think you've failed and that you deserve punishment. You still expect things to go wrong."
Kankuro swallowed a lump in his throat. "I do. I expect you to get tired of me, and to leave. Cause in the end, I'm not really that great." He looked away, unable to stand the pressure of meeting Gaara's gaze.
Gaara knelt in front of him. "You're not perfect. I don't want you to be. If you were, you couldn't love a flawed person like me."
Kankuro stared at him. "Oh, Gaara. I'll always love you." The lump in his throat got worse. "Even if I were perfect."
"No." Gaara shook his head. "A perfect person wouldn't be able to understand my mistakes or my redemption. A perfect person would fear me for being unpredictable – imperfect. They wouldn't be able to stand me. Much less love me the way you do, Kankuro. You need to accept that no one is perfect, and this means we should all have mutual empathy for each other's mistakes. We should all be like Naruto. We should forgive and try to turn each other around from the darkness."
"Naruto does it right, huh?" Kankuro glanced at him.
Gaara nodded.
"How does he feel that he failed to save Sasuke, huh? What does a guy like Naruto do then?" Kankuro asked.
"He cries," Gaara said.
Kankuro stared at him.
Gaara looked back. "And then he moves on. That's all he can do. He might make a mistake next time, and then he will cry again. And move on. He can't stay down. He will have to pick himself up. Because he is strong. He is a leader. Like you."
Kankuro started in surprise. "What? Uh, no." He looked away. "Like you, you mean."
Gaara squeezed his arm. "Like you, too. You keep getting back up. No matter how painful you think it is going to be to meet the next challenge, you still go on. You stand up. You're like Naruto."
Kankuro snorted, but he wasn't laughing. "That is ridiculous. No way am I like that kid. He's done things I could never hope to do."
"But you're genius level," Gaara said. "Just like him."
Kankuro shot Gaara a glare. "Don't get your wires crossed. I'm not a genius level. Neither is Temari. You're the only one here who qualifies for that title."
Gaara stood up. "I am not. You are a genius level shinobi, too. Temari's the one that fell behind."
"I thought you said we were equal, jan." Kankuro scowled.
"You are of equal rank," Gaara said. "And you fight each other into a standstill. But don't you think that's only because Temari puts out her maximum effort when fighting you? If she could fight opponents like you all the time, she would grow as a warrior instead of getting left behind by the both of us."
"I –"
"I have the latest data about your power levels on my desk," Gaara said. "I know the facts. I just couldn't explain in a succinct way earlier that you're actually more powerful than she is, because you can't bring yourself to use your full power against her. Your experience doesn't reflect the facts."
"So what's your point, jan?" Kankuro demanded. "That I oughtta just beat Temari up and be done with it? Cause that's not gonna happen!"
"No," Gaara said. "That wasn't my point." He smiled.
"Then what?"
"I love you so much because you are like Naruto. I admire you because you are like him. You took care of me even when I was evil, when my thinking was dominated by Shukaku and I hated everyone, but you thought one day I might be able to turn around. And I did it, only because of you. When I said I wanted to be Kazekage, you took my dream seriously and you supported it. No one else would have done, not even Temari. No one except Naruto would have done that. You are like him."
"But –"
Gaara shook his head. "There is nothing you can do to change my feelings about that. You will always be a hero to me, because you were there for me, even before I knew I needed you."
"Gaara, man, it's okay." Kankuro looked away. "You don't have to thank me."
"But I want to," Gaara said. "Let me help you the way you helped me before."
Kankuro reluctantly looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah? How?"
"You want to be married and have kids someday," Gaara said.
"Well, yeah. What about it?"
"You think that your main source of inferiority compared to Temari is that she is doing it and you can't."
"And?"
"Let me help you," Gaara said. "Let me teach you how a girlfriend should really work."
Kankuro held up his hands. "Whoa, man. Are you saying you wanna be my girlfriend? Cause I don't think that's gonna work. Hold on a sec."
Gaara's eyes widened. "Girlfriend? You thought I was saying – Why?"
Kankuro protested, "You said –"
"I wanted to show you," Gaara said. "I wanted you to practice with me. So you could get the hang of it before you go out again."
Kankuro looked at him suspiciously. "I don't know…That still sounds kinda gay to me." He ran a hand through his hair. "I mean, to be perfectly honest. I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but that's a weird idea you've got there. That would look really awkward if anyone found out you were subbing for my girlfriend until I got a new one. I mean, think of how it sounds, jan."
"I know," Gaara said. "That's why I sent Temari away for two weeks and I'm not going to tell anyone."
Kankuro studied him. "Really? You're not going to open that big mouth of yours in a council meeting or something and say something embarrassing just because you think it's a good example of what you're talking about that day?"
Gaara held up his hand. "I promise I will keep it a secret. This is between you and myself, and no one else. I won't even let Temari know."
The breath whooshed out of Kankuro's lungs. "Okay. Good. I was worried about that. She would mock the hell out of us, man."
"I know," Gaara said. Then he went back to cooking dinner without another comment about it.
