Chapter 8
My leg was bouncing under the picnic table where we sat waiting for… What was his name again? Damn, I've for gotten it already. Shoot. How do I ask again without being awkward?—Name's Nightwing— Right… and I was cracking my fingers.
"Relax, he doesn't bite."
"Why are we meeting him here again?"
"I was hoping the walk'd relax you a bit. Apparently, I was wrong." She teased, but not wholly un-seriousness. I looked down.
"It's 5:07, he should be here by now…"
"Chand, you are the only person with such an exact sense of timing. Do me a favor and just take a breath? I don't know what you're so afraid of."
I obeyed. "Neither do I. If I did, maybe I wouldn't be so freaked."
It was always this way with new people. Each new class was an exercise in nighmarishness. Sitting down early, watching new people come in. Worrying they would sit next to me. Would know my name, if nothing else, and I'd know their mood, but have no idea of their name. That I'd have nothing to say. And the constant hyperawareness of it all...
It wasn't even a fear that people would find out what I was—that would have been reasonable. At least that's what Intro Psych would suggest it to be, a fear of rejection, a fear of saying the wrong thing. That would explain why I generally said nothing. It was ridiculous, because no one paid much attention, and I always said the wrong thing, so I shouldn't have feared it. I needed to just relax. Every time though, every time I felt boxed up, caged, blinded. Like I had no choice but to act invisible, and hope to hope no one noticed me.
I had no idea which of the people around me was 'Nightwing', was the person who was going to determine if I was fit to join The Team, Karen had called it. Did I even want to? More people? Was I fit to? One act didn't redeem me. Karen had made a convincing argument, though at that moment I remembered none of it. The knowledge that on this occasion, I was going to be judged had all my systems scattered, from rationality to resonance.
I alternated between looking at my hands and looking for our contact. Could it be the tall blond? Or older looking redhead? The stocky Hispanic? The hansom guy in the sunglasses and the baggy jeans? Surely not the mullet guy.
"Stop hyperventilating," Karen commanded, exasperated. I succeeded in breathing steadily, but it didn't relieve the tightness in my chest. I was this close breaking out in a sickly sweat. I tried to distract myself by returning to people watching.
Maybe the scruffy black dude reading under the tree? Or….
Wait. My eyes flicked back to the guy in the sunglasses. He looked familiar, but I knew I didn't actually know him. It was like someone was yelling at me from a long way off, or a tap on one shoulder when the person was actually on the other side.
Then came that "Sometimes I wonder why that Frisbee is getting larger, and then it hits me" moment. Him? Here? Now? How? Oh my god, does he remember me? This new development completely replaced my worry about the meeting. This was worse. He's coming this way. Should I wave? OF COURCE NOT! HEAD DOWN, HEAD DOWN! But… DOWN. He was walking with someone, a slender and pale young woman with hair actually a bit shorter than his, but fuller, more styled, and the color of a fall white oak leaf. She wore dark jeans and a yellow cardigan over a cream camisole, all of which hugged her curves. Her face was sunny, clearly she was enjoying the day, but there was a seriousness under that. Are they a couple? They weren't holding hands… surely I'd be able to tell that even if all my senses were on the fritz… but still.
He really WAS walking this way. I struggled to keep any sign of my recognition off my face. It was too weird; I was never supposed to see him again. There was no way I could follow up my previous performance. I wanted to be remembered that way, the way I could be, not the doormat I always was…
He and his companion sat down across the table from me and Bee. He was opening his mouth now…
"Karen." He greeted.
"Hey, Bee," His partner echoed.
"Hey! Nightwing, Megan, this is Nova. Nova, Nightwing, Megan." Bee introduced using the moniker I'd chosen in case this worked out. Or in all probability, to protect my identity when it didn't.
Wait. What? You know him? He knows you? What? This is who we're meeting. W' the hell—
"Hello," I greeted aloud, hesitant and automatic.
It was at this point that I remembered I didn't look the same as I had when I'd first met him. I was charged for this occasion, hiding behind the California-esq façade that came with it. Still… This has to be some sort of joke. A cosmic joke. A sick and cruel one, but a joke none the less. Are you kidding me? Seriously. Wait, maybe it's not him. I'm sure lots of guys look like that, and you only saw him once. I let the conversation continue as I tried to calm myself enough to check him with my resonance. I couldn't even see his eyes, those that had been so distinctive the first time we met, with his sunglasses on. They didn't suit him. They looked like Agent Smith's from the Matrix[1], very narrow and stern. Too imposing for a face that had been so inviting last time. If it was him… That was probably the point of the glasses, to obscure his features, since Bee had said she didn't know his identity outside of the group.
"It's such a nice day out, can we walk and talk?" Megan asked brightly. Her voice tasted sweet, but felt coagulated, like honey that's been left out for too long. Bee glanced at me, assessed my general unresponsive state and answered for the both of us.
"Works for me. 'S good to loosen up." She gave me a meaningful look, which I didn't meet.
"A little more out of public ear," said Nightwing approvingly, serious about his responsibilities. Whoever he was, serious suited him even if the glasses didn't.
As a group, we strolled into the wooded paths. They weren't particularly wide and as a consequence I ended up walking a half step behind the other three. In a couple of minutes I couldn't hear any of the social sounds of the park. From my oblique angle I could see the muscles around Nighwing's shades shift, alert, confirming the fact that we were alone. Megan was sort of humming to herself. Com'on, focus. Is it him?
"So…" Nightwing began turning somewhat to address me directly. "What have you heard about us?"
"Not much."
"Karen didn't tell you anything?"
"A bit."
"What do you know?" He asked more jovially, amused by my introversion more than anything. It didn't seem like he knew many introverts.
"Your names. That you guys help people…" I hesitated and then went for it, "That you don't bite." I laughed nervously. Bee snorted and Megan giggled at my sorry attempt at humor, and I relaxed a bit, relieved by their reception. My resonance began to blip.
"Well, no one except Gar." Megan laughed.
"Who?" I asked, confused and off balance once more. Had I made unintended reference? My resonance went dead again.
"Not important," she reassured.
There was an awkward pause.
"Ummm…why haven't I heard of you guys before this, in… in the media? From the little Karen's told me, you live… exciting lives…" Just work on the most rational assumption that you are crazy and this is a different—good looking—shut up, guy. Be professional and detached, you'll speak better that way.
"You could put it that way. We like to keep off the radar," he answered with a tint of pride.
"Oh." And…I was out of questions again. Damn.
"I thought you'd do a better job explaining than I could," Karen prompted.
"Well…I guess we help save the world. It's what we do." He shrugged immodestly.
"I thought the Justice… Alliance? did that?"
"League," he corrected before countering, "Not the police or government?"
I looked away both ashamed of my faux pau and unwilling to admit my reasons for not trusting those bodies with those duties.
"Anyways, sometimes the Justice League is occupied. We started out working with them, but we found we were more effective working semi-independently. We tend to get the less flashy jobs. Body guardings, kidnappings, connected crimes, unexplained occurrences, that sort of thing. Less press, but just as important, and the low profile gives us more freedom." He answered, taking pity at my discomfort.
"Tell her why she should join," Bee pressed.
"Training, experience, advice." He listed off, kicking a stone. Now that he was secure in the fact that we were no eavesdroppers he had noticeably relaxed. "Camaraderie," he said the last with a… a subtext I didn't recognize. But both the other girls looked a little offended, and a tad embarrassed. I glanced at Karen, and she saw I didn't understand. She punched Nightwing in the arm when she thought I'd looked away.
Nightwing took the cue and continued less glibly. "Karen mentioned that you had some trouble in your past, with people treating you poorly because of your abilities." He said it gently, not wanting me to think Karen had been talking behind my back. Solemnly he continued, "We won't judge you, or use you. We'd help you learn how to protect yourself from people like that. Even if you end up not join long term, you'd take away useful skills and experiences from your time with us."
Karen took over the pitch. "We're a Team. We want to keep the world safe. We try an' make it better. Like you always go on about, cryptically." I don't know how to be any clearer, you just never understand me. This is your chance to actually do something about it, if you want." It's not my place, Karen. I can't. "And there's nothing like having people you know you can count on in any circumstance." Wouldn't that be lovely?
"Yeah," Megan chipped in. "This is my family. I've got 29 siblings, but around them I always felt… out of place. This is where I belong."
I took a deep breath. That sounded… perfect. Exactly what I always wanted.
But I didn't deserve it. I never had, and especially now, after…everything. Think it you coward, after the intent to torture… the murder. And there were obstacles that would be more imminently obvious…
"There… would be a lot of physical activity…?"
"Well, Mal mostly does coordination from base, but the rest of us do go out on missions." Karen answered, suspicious of the direction I was headed.
"It's just… I can light stuff on fire but…" I started gesturing at what was normally my somewhat plump form, forgetting that I always looked fitter when I was charged like this. I was strong, but my stamina… crap… my coordination…nearly worse… But they wouldn't understand that by looking at me as I was. "I just don't have very good wind…"
"We'll train you. Everyone starts off somewhere." Nightwing reassured.
"Says they guy who was born doing acrobatics," added Karen under her breath. That's interesting…
"You light stuff on fire?" Megan asked curiously, with just a pinch of anxiety.
I looked at Beeand questioned wordlessly, You didn't tell them? She tilted her head in a shrug that said: A bit, but I don't really get what you can do yet.
"Looks like there's a clearing up ahead. Maybe a demonstration?" Nightwing suggested. "A little preview of coming attractions?"
I rubbed my hand, nervous, and to stimulate the secretion of the propolis-type substance I could make when charge, the stuff that actually burned rather than my skin. It made sense to do a demo… But I shouldn't join. They were too good for me. But maybe if I helped them, maybe that was how I could right my wrongs. Get real. I just wouldn't—couldn't— let myself get close…. There was no place for someone like me. I shouldn't stay around. I'd let myself start hoping again...
Riding for a fall, my dear… So long as my fall is ultimately useful, fall's nothing less than I deserve. I nodded to myself.
I still was uncomfortable with their attention, as I quite literally entered the spot light of the clearing, eyes downcast. Trying to ignore them, I stretched out my arms wide and faced the sun. I soaked in more of its light, pushing down my core further out of the way in preparation for whatever they wanted to see.
Taking a preparatory breath I turned to face them. "What do you want me to—" a card was flying at my face. I stepped back startled and held up my hand, channeling heat out of it reflexively, and the stuff on my hands bloomed outwards in a plume of flame. The card incinerated before it reached me.
"Impressive reaction time. Could be better, but hey," Nightwing said. He held up his hand, there was another card in each of the four slots between fingers. "How's your accuracy?" The cards flew into the air.
I succeeded in snapping off sparks at two of the cards and igniting them before my third attempt also caught a tree on fire. I had to focus on putting that out rather than lighting the remaining card, which fluttered to the ground.
"Sorry," I mumbled. Nightwing was impassive behind his shades.
"Hey, it's okay. It's your first time doing anything like this right? You'll get better." Megan soothed. The words resonated true and understanding; the general use of my abilities was clearing the resonance image at last. The impression she gave reminded me of someone I had met, but I couldn't think of who. It wasn't a close match or anything, like cousins or something.
"Bee, you want a turn?" Nightwing asked, not deigning to comment on my poor performance.
"Sure!" She shot me a smug response to my confused look. What do you do? She unzipped the sweatshirt she was wearing and pulled up a black skintight hood that had yellow goggles with odd spikes attached. The hood was part of a skintight yellow and black suit. As I looked on, the yellow stripes on the suit glowed and she shrunk. The hoodie and her jeans fell as the tiny Karen flew using a set of four yellow, translucent wings. My eyes flew wide in astonishment and I had to actively think about keeping my mouth shut. Nightwing hurled nine cards in the air this time, and she flew nimbly around the clearing, hitting each with a bright zap from her palms. The cards danced and quivered down. As I looked, at each, I could see burns spelling out B-U-M-B-L-E-B-E-E. She flew in front of my face and grinned, then propelled herself backwards and grew back to normal size.
"Not bad, eh?"
I blinked. Twice. I opened my mouth but no words came out.
"She didn't tell you?" Megan asked. "But I heard you call her Bee earlier…"
"Nova picked that up on her own; she's pretty intuitive. It makes it all the more fun when I succeed in surprising her." That shook me out of my shock.
"The white dwarf star?" I asked.
"Told you," Bee shot towards Megan.
For once I didn't feel like a freak. Emboldened, I asked "What about you two?"
"Me? No superpowers. You've heard of Batman?" I nodded. "I was his first protégé." Batman…Batman… Gotham…
My resonance chose that moment to kick in. It was him. There was no mistaking the combination of confidence, capability, charm, intuition, intelligence, understanding, reservation, and underlying levity, now that I could feel it. The seriousness he had displayed earlier today had been so contrasting to his lightheartedness at the café that had been able to rationalize myself away from the truth. Classic smart person syndrome, always go with the first answer. I began to blush at the memory of the meeting. Maybe… I didn't dare think it, but I wanted to… maybe this was… that…something...
My resonance yanked me away from these half-hoped-for-half-unformed thoughts.
Megan was familiar too. Too… Too familiar…
"As for me," her skin shifted—"My Team name's Miss Martian,"—to green. She floated herself up a few inches off the ground.
SHIT. Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit SHIIIIIIIIIIITTTT. I jerked into a defensive stance, thinking fast, all thoughts of joining completely abandoned. As soon as she recognized me I was dead. I deserved it, but—Shit—I didn't want to die like she could kill me, mind torn to pieces… I'd just gotten it back.
But she hadn't recognized me yet…
"Don't be afraid, it's just me…" She switched back to Caucasian and landed, drawing back, a bit hurt. She didn't know me. She thought I was just startled by her reveal. It made sense. I didn't look like I had, I certainly didn't sound like it…
I froze all reactions, all thoughts of the implications of this new realization. The important thing was to get out of the situation. And to do that I had to keep pretending like I knew nothing.
"Sorry… Just… Wasn't expecting that…" Smooth, Chandra, smooth.
"It's okay." She replied, hiding her hurt in her voice if not from me. This was a completely different M'gann than the one that had wanted to eviscerate my mind; she had been rejected once for what she was, though now she more comfortable with herself I felt, but still, I could relate. No wonder I'd picked up on her fury so quickly and completely back… God how badly did I screw up, I mentally moaned.
Nightwing continued gravely, tactfully not lingering on Megan's distress, "There's one more thing you need to know before you decide. What we do, it's not what you'd call safe. People die. Have died. Recently. Our enemies are ruthless, and sometimes sacrifice is necessary to protect innocent people. That's what's important the end of the day. We protect each other best we can, but there's guarantee your safety. Only the skills to increase your chance of survival."
"Tula…" whispered Megan, and I felt her heartbreak as if it were my own. The same radiated from the other two. And, I realized, it was all my fault.
"No one lives forever. We make the most of the time we have." Nightwing added like a eulogy.
"We don't mean to scare you off. There are risks, but the rewards make it more than worth it. Nova, you'd have a place with us." That was Karen, hitting my rawest nerve.
Stall. I mentally commanded. "I… I need to think about it…'S a big decision."
"Of course," Nightwing smiled at me, approval glinting out from behind his sunglasses. The smile was same casual smile from the café that effortlessly melted my resolve. It made me want to agree on the spot to whatever option let me be around him, which would not only have been ironic but was impossible. This uncontrollable feeling towards him was inseparably shadowed by my guilt; I could never embrace my attraction, forever repelled by my remorse. My fascination with this virtual stranger was also distressing in its own right. I barely knew him: how could I be so absolutely sure that being around him would bring happiness? Now I couldn't even trust myself—The ultimate isolation is being abandoned by your own judgment—He continued, unaware of my desolation, "Talk it over with Bee, let us know." At least that seemed to be the last of it. "Nice meeting you."
"I hope I'll see you again soon." Megan added more uncertain than earlier.
I carefully didn't think about the whole thing until I was back in my room with the door locked, holding myself in a fragile balance until I was safe. I'd been too quite on the trip back, even for me, and Karen had noticed. But I said something that assured her I was just pensive and she bought it. I stared at the stars on my ceiling, letting thoughts bounce off each other. No part of me felt resolute enough to form a convincing argument. The only cohesion came from the slow melody[6] winding around my head, tinting everything a hollow blue.
Just walk away from the whole thing.
You always have.
They only times you haven't let go ended in disaster.
I can only bring more pain.
Haven't you hurt them enough?
Haven't you hurt yourself enough?
No…
True…
Silence
She would destroy me if she knew.
She'd have every right to.
So why don't I just get it over with?
There was no answer for a long time.
That's not enough. I've still got something left to do.
What?
…
I have to help them.
I don't deserve them, don't deserve their trust, their friendship
No, you don't. But when they find out, any bond you form to them will be snap back and lash you like a whip. Like the one of theirs you broke. An even trade.
It will hurt them, to know they mislaid their trust.
Only if they accept you, care about you. Why should you assume that? Should patterns hold you will remain apart and your loss will be insignificant to them. But you will grow attached to them, it is the way that we are. Their eventual, rejection will then carry the weight it must.
And if… if someone actually comes to care about me?
I thought back on Megan's reaction to what she perceived as Conner's death, how quickly she accepted it. And how all three of them, though devastated by the loss of Tula had moved forward.
Even in that unlikely scenario, they will recover, that is the life they live. You will not. You will die knowing what their friendship would have meant and that could have been yours if not for your actions. And in either case, you will leave behind any protection you can offer them, before they know the truth.
I could never earn forgiveness, this was the best I could offer.
…
What about him?
What about him?
He cares about the Team.
Gently: Honey, he could never care for you; he's devoted to his cause; any personal relationships are secondary. Even if he could, he's too good for you. You can't be open and honest, you can't get close to him and then tear yourself away when the time comes, that wouldn't be fair to him. The kindest thing to do for both of you would be to let this go.
I know.
I didn't know if I could, nor if I would should I be able to. It was another fantasy to have ripped away from me when the time came.
Joining was the right thing to do, but it would hurt; it wasn't going to be pleasant. It could be, if circumstances were different, but that was the point. I knew the charade wouldn't last forever, that eventually I'd be found out. But this way I'd be able to help them before they meted out whatever justice they felt I deserved.
The only thing left to be seen was how entangled I got myself, how hard it would be for me to let go.
My news was greeted with joyous applause from Karen, which was baffling given my current mindset. I had to actively pull a 180 to understand her interpretation of my decision.
"Welcome to The Team, Nova! I swear, you won't regret. There's this big team picnic coming up, we can introduce you to everyone, it'll be great!"
"Picnic?" I asked tensely.
She saw her mistake and hastily toned down her endorsement down. "Yeah, it'll be really chill. It's at the house of some retired members, you'll like them. 's in Palo Alto, Ca." She was still really excited about the whole thing though, and couldn't quite contain it. "Real sun at last! Not this on and off Northeast bull."
"California? How are we supposed to get there?" Flying was out of the question, I generally disliked heights there was too much tech for it to be safe.
She smiled impishly. "Oh, don't worry about that, we'll zeta beam."
"Zeta-beam?"
"You're gonna love it. It's like the transporter in that Star Trek show keep trying to get me to watch."
"You mean it will scan my structure, break me down, and rebuild me somewhere else."
"As I understand it, yes." She said lightly.
"NO!" I said as skittish as a horse in a thunderstorm.
My for once strong reaction took her aback. "Sheesh, what's your problem!"
I took a breath and unpacked, "Karen, I can barely get something as simple as a toaster to work right on a good day. Interacting that closely, on a molecule-signal basis with a machine? In a way that controls my very existence. That's asking to be permanently disintegrated."
"Hmmmm… I see your point. I'll see if Megan and the Bioship will be willing to give us a ride."
"Bioship?" I began to think that there was a lot more to being part of this team than I'd thought.
"That I'm keeping a surprise. I promise, it will be safe."
I wanted to protest, but I could see she wasn't going to budge. "Would you tell me a little more about who to expect? The more people, the worse I am…"
"I'll see what I can do," she chuckled.
[1] I swear, last Matrix reference. I haven't even seen it, it just crops up on its own a lot.
[6] watch?v=uIFFa3Aq6wA
