Administrative note: Big thanks for all those who stick to the end of this story! The next season of Saint Seiya: Satan has already been partially completed, but I will need feedback on the audience interest. Now that that's over, enjoy the last chapter of this incredibly silly season.


FLASH CUT TO:

INT. TORTURE ROOM

DEATHMASK, APHRODITE, SHURA and CAMUS are all screaming maniacally. Projected onto one of the walls is FUNNY GAMES.

APHRODITE: Why?! Why do they have to make us SUFFER?! What hatred is driving this MADNESS?!

CAMUS: Horrible! Just HORRIBLE! ARGH!

SHURA: (crying) I will never know love!

DEATHMASK: Violence is bad, bad, BAD! I get it! I was an evil, evil man! PLEASE! I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED! MERCY!

SAGA, quietly sitting in the corner, suddenly springs up and shrieks as if electrocuted.

SAGA: No! NO! Your plot has failed, Hades! I'M NOT YOUR SKINNERIAN RAT! Your premise of your torture-comedy experiment is FALSE, even under GREEK-LANGUAGE conditions, BECAUSE I'M STORMING THE BOOTH AND RIPPING THE FILM OUT OF THE PROJECTOR TO SYMBOLICALLY REFUSE TO SWALLOW THESE FORCE-FED MEDICINAL DOSES OF SYNTHESIZED ABUSE YOUR FILM IS ADMINISTERING SINCE YOUR HYPOTHESIS THAT FILMED VIOLENCE WILL SHOCK ME INTO A KNEE-JERK ETHICAL DILEMMA IS PLAUSIBLE ONLY ON THE GROUNDS OF—

Suddenly, he finds himself in front of the HELL GATE, with everyone else dressed in SPLICES and watching him. SHION coughs pointedly.

SAGA: (embarrassed as hell) …an impenetrable wall of insufferable smugness. (whispers) And you should go back to college and study cognitive psychology.

SHION: Precisely the kind of rubbish I'd expect from the imbecile who murdered me! As I was saying before this feeble-minded wimp interrupted me, you must pretend to be despicable, selfish assholes…

APHRODITE: As if this is difficult…

SHION: …Who cares about nothing but your own short-sighted desires and thus are evil enough to murder Athena, just because you are so stupid that you believe in a Greek God's promise to let you live forever, and a God notorious for His lack of commitment at that, even by Greek God standards!

MISTY: (pause) While the truth is…?

SHION: The truth is we are just trying to make sure Her blood is all over the statue.

DANTE: Errr…why?

SHION: Isn't it obvious? Because it tastes delicious! (pause) Ah, but of course that shouldn't concern you. You just need to know that's why you are brought here, complete with a life of twelve hours, within which you will infiltrate the Sanctuary, rush all the way to its top, penetrate the heavy defense made up of the cosmos of FIVE Gold Saints and Athena Herself, somehow reach the target, make Her spill Her blood while pretending to Hades' minions that you are evil by killing your former colleagues who are just as or more powerful than you are.

MOSES: That sounds like a horrible plan.

SHION: Yeah? Well, that's for the ex-Gold Saints. The ex-Silver Saints don't even have a life of twelve hours; you only have three hours, just enough for you to run off and lure the Special Immortal Unit to this place by getting yourself humiliatingly killed. Now, any questions?

BABEL: Other than the fact that we the late-twenty-year-olds are being commanded by someone who looks younger than a high school graduate? We are doing just fine!

DEATHMASK: Dude, you are talking to the guys who've just been through white burning hot shit; we'd do ANYTHING to stay out of that room for just a few hours.

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. ATHENA'S STATUE

SEIYA: Wait, so all these people were killing each other because they were convincing Hades that they were bad? Why didn't they use Telepathy to communicate so that they could act together and be far more efficient at passing the temples, then? What, did you sincerely believe that the remaining Gold Saints had acting skills worse than the Trio's?

SHUN: And why did you have to kill Athena for it? Can't you just, I don't know, persuade Her to cut Herself and leave some blood for you or something?

HYOGA: And if She had to enter Hell to confront Hades personally, couldn't She wait until you've acquired Her Cloth? Also, if She didn't acquire the Eighth Sense this accidentally, wouldn't you really kill Her and destroy the world?

SHIRYU: And why did you have to lure us here? Didn't this just make the Trio's task even MORE difficult?

SHION: Bah! What do you know about plans? And if you will excuse me, I require some much-missed Athena blood feast.

INT. GOTHIC-ISH CASTLE

The TRIO is presenting a POTATO BAG to PANDORA, who almost always keeps her eyes closed apparently because everyone around her is so pathetic that they are offensive to her eyesight.

PANDORA: What do you want, losers?

SAGA: (shuffling uncomfortably) Miss…we've brought you…uh, Athena's Dead Body.

SHURA: (squinting suspiciously) Yes, Dead Body.

CAMUS: (slightly out of breath) Dead. Totally Dead.

PANDORA: So I've heard. Still, the circumstance was a little…unusual, shall I say.

GUY WHO LOOKS AND BEHAVES SO REPULSIVELY THAT IT'S BLATANTLY OBVIOUS HE'S DESIGNED JUST TO BE HATED BY VIEWERS FOR NO REASON: They could be lying, Lady Pandora! Don't forget their proud claim that "A Saint's loyalty cannot be bought!"

SAGA: (shamelessly whining) But this IS Athena's body!

PANDORA: That I need to see for myself. It's questionable whether you have…

As ZELOS goes over to investigate the POTATO BAG, SHURA, snatching an opportunity that exists only because the camera suddenly pans away, quickly holds PANDORA at knifepoint.

PANDORA: …honored your end of the deal.

SAGA: All right, bitch, give us the location of your Brother right now!

He shakes PANDORA and spits in her face.

SHURA: (fending off Saga) Hey, I thought you agreed to let ME play the bad cop!

SAGA: I didn't say that, good cop!

Suddenly, they gasp and succumb to SUNLIGHT THAT SHINES ON THIS ROOM AND NOT ANYWHERE ELSE.

CAMUS: Argh, but we've won, in any case!

PANDORA: Now that I've realized Athena's battle plans, I will pursue the most natural course of actions. (pause) Zelos! I will now leave those morons to your own trivial designs, and don't do anything remotely approaching torturing precious information like the details of Athena's strategies out of them!

ZELOS: Got it! No interrogation, no subtlety, and absolutely no believable character behavior!

EXT. GOTHIC-ISH CASTLE

RHADAMANTHYS is beating the shit out of the MU, MILO, and AIOLIA by just blowing his nose, because he's THAT crazy awesome.

MILO: I REPEAT: Where the hell are that asshole Kanon and plus those ancient hacks Dohko and Shion when we need them the most?

MU: And for that matter, why the hell are you so powerful? You didn't use drugs or any other unfair advantages, right?

RHADAMANTHYS: Ha, I will attack you by sticking my tongue at you and thereby send you to suffer eternally in Cocytus!

AIOLIA: Like, when we fall unconscious, die and probably can't feel anything and hence suffer afterwards?

RHADAMANTHYS: Just like Zelos' dwarf porn collection that I sent there the other day? Hell yeah!

Suddenly, THE TITLE CHARACTER ARRIVES WITH COMET PUNCHES AND CHEESY THEME MUSIC!

SEIYA: Huzahhhhhhhhh! We are Athena's –

MU: Go away, Pegasus.

AIOLIA: (staying away from Seiya as far as he can) We will take care of him, WITHOUT YOU. Heroically. And obviously lie that we will meet you later.

SHIRYU: Hmm, yeah, I guess you have to die, even though you three could just blow him up with another of your Athena Exclamations, actually for a better reason than why you attacked the Trio.

MILO: Er, shut up.

The FOUR BRONZE SAINTS run off into the CASTLE and the GOLD SAINTS promptly are killed by RHADAMANTHYS, who makes them sign PINK SLIPS.

INT. GOTHIC-ISH CASTLE

ZELOS is happily celebrating his victories by ruining CAMUS' image; suddenly, the TITLE CHARACTER strikes again by shattering the rooftop from the INSIDE of the castle!

SEIYA: Everyone who's just about to die long before Shion dies for some reason! Have you prepared parting speeches of ridiculous length to make the audience cry?

SAGA: Cry about the artificiality and dumbness of this show? YES!

MOVING MUSIC plays and this place glitters with the beautiful light that is killing the TRIO.

CAMUS: (disintegrating) Ooooooh, I see a place of light. It's so pretty.

SHURA: (disintegrating) Do you believe in heaven? Is that where we are going?

SAGA: (disintegrating) Well, wherever we are going, I hope there will be cake.

CAMUS: (disintegrating) And ice-cream frosting! And iced tea! And—

SAGA: Shut up, Camus. (disintegrates)

They enter their AFTERLIFE, hoping that it counts their noble sacrifices.

INT. DARK, POORLY-LIT ROOM

SHURA: Er, what is this place?

Suddenly, the projector is turned on, and on the wall is the movie HOSTEL: PART II. A clearly crazy APHRODITE turns to them, his eyes unnaturally wide, while ALDEBARAN, as if aged for a ten years, snarls in high pitch.

ALDEBARAN: There you are! You are just about to witness the downfall of civilization!

CAMUS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

INT. GOTHIC-ISH CASTLE – BACK ON EARTH

HYOGA: (turns on Zelos and full of righteous anger) You kicked my master's master in the stomach! Therefore, I'm shredding you and will make the pain a hundred times more intense! Har!

ZELOS: What? Extracting mild pain and humiliation from someone who almost froze me to death wasn't a reasonable response?

HYOGA: Er…but you look kind of disgusting, and therefore it's totally right.

HYOGA kills ZELOS, but as just as they try to follow PANDORA, RHADAMANTHYS stops them, rendering the GOLD SAINTS' sacrifice POINTLESS.

RHADAMANTHYS: It's time for YOU to sign the pink slips!

He beats them up, but they keep coming back!

SEIYA: We will never surrender to your Human Resource Department policies of arbitrary cruelty! Die!

He grabs RHADAMANTHYS and they plummet into the darkness.

SHUN: Wait, what? So we are supposed to enter Hell, too? Have we awakened our Eighth Sense or not?

HYOGA: I have no idea.

SHIRYU: Then let's just stare at this hole purposefully and not do anything until the next part of this anime.

HYOGA: But there's no way that this unsatisfactory sequence is the end when the viewers have to wait for two years to get the next part!

It IS.

END

DELETED/REVISED SCENES:

MU: Greetings, welcome to the Sanctuary. Please let us begin by offering a premium upgrade from the bare basics of this tour for just an additional $8.99 that comes with a diamond-platinum club membership that is good for the entire duration of 24 hours!


HYOGA: Er…but you are not my master's master.


ZELOS: Therefore moral principles are inapplicable to me? How can a show claim to proclaim traditional moral values while violating the most basic of ethical logic?


APHRODITE: Bah, you make it sound so easy, because you have no idea what it is like! Let me ask you one question: have you ever imagined hell? Truly, seriously consider the meaning of everlasting punishment? When you die, your soul will arrive at this horrible place where there is no hope, no life, no nothing. You will choke, scream, burn, and cry in anguish for an eternity, and will it ever matter to you if you lived for more one year, or ten, or a hundred? If you were a coward or a hero, a king or a beggar? No, you'll only think: God, make it stop.


AIOLIA: What the…? Those voices make me so nostalgic, and by nostalgic, I mean feeling a sharp sense of dread and impending doom.


SHION: Precisely the kind of stuff I'd expect from the imbecile who murdered me. As I was saying before this feeble-minded wimp interrupted me, I need you scumbags to fetch some Athena blood to feast on. That's why I've summoned you!

CAMUS: Sir!

SHION: But don't get cocky; you will only live for 12 hours! And after that, go back to hell or wherever you poked your ugly head from!

CAMUS: SIR!

SHION: Argh. What is it, iceboy?!

CAMUS: What if the soldier is an Athena Saint?

SHION: Did you blast your brains with a shotgun, son? Didn't I make it clear that we're doing Athena a favor by feasting on her blo…er, reclaiming her God cloth?


SHION: But don't fret. The Corps is tough but the Corps is also generous. We'd supply you with new armors and give you back your old attacks.

DEATHMASK: So…no new weapons to maximize our chances?

SHION: Nah. I figured you'd be fine with the current budget.


SHION: As I was saying before this feeble-minded wimp interrupted me, you must make sure that Athena's blood is available for use when I reach her statue!

APHRODITE: Err…why?

SHION: Didn't I explain it to you? It tastes delicious! (pause) Ah, but of course that shouldn't concern you. You just need to know that it's required for her Cloth, though to make that happen, given our dead state, won't be easy.


GUY WHO LOOKS AND BEHAVES SO REPULSIVELY THAT IT'S BLATANTLY OBVIOUS HE'S DESIGNED JUST TO BE HATED BY VIEWERS FOR NO REASON: They could be lying, Lady Pandora! Don't forget their proud claim that "A Saint's loyalty cannot be boug—

CAMUS: (alarmed) Quiet!

He freezes ZELOS, drawing even more suspicion to their actual motives.

SAGA: ANYWAY, this IS Athena's body.

PANDORA: That I need to see for myself. It's questionable whether you have…

As ZELOS goes over to investigate the POTATO BAG, SHURA, snatching a non-existent opportunity, quickly holds PANDORA at knifepoint.

PANDORA: …honored your end of the deal.


SAGA: (embarrassed as hell) …an impenetrable wall of insufferable smugness. (whispers) And you should go back to college and study behavioral economics.


SHURA: MAY THE HELL FLAMING LAKE BURN YOUR ROTTEN BONES!

SAGA: I PRAY MILLIONS OF DEMON WORMS STUFF YOUR HYPER-ACID-FLOODED DIGESTION SYSTEM!


SEIYA: Wait, so all these people were killing each other because they were convincing Hades that they were bad? Why didn't they use Telepathy to communicate so that they could be far more efficient at passing the Temples, then? Did I just spend hours of my life following a plan that turned out to be so stupid?


SHION: May I interest you with a game of bridge? I always bring those decks around, since it's really hard to keep one busy in this series.


RHADAMANTHYS: (making swooshing noises with his silly wings) Did you hear that? That's the sound of your self-esteem shattering into a million tiny pieces!

ACCOMPANIED BY:

Hey, Soul Splitter
(To the Tune of "Hey, Soul Sister")

INT. GEMINI TEMPLE

SAGA
(to Kanon)
Hey, hey, hey
Your CV stains on the reputation of all Saints
You knew I wouldn't forgive you
And so you campaigned to split my mind
Your wrongdoings
The stench of you in every single little thing
I knew when we collided there's no one I more derided
You're one of a kind

Hey, bullshitter, always exploit young boys as an immortal, immoral
It's like a cheesy TV show
Hey, bullshitter, I don't want to have a single thing to doooo with you

Hey, hey, hey
She is blind, recklessly neglects the warning signs I see
You attempt misdirection
Pathetic imperfection, I wonder why
You're so obsessed
Relentless hounding Godhood like a Goddamned pest
You followed pursuits of Overman Zarathustra
So I'm always gonna wanna bust your crimes

Hey, bullshitter, always exploit young boys as an immortal, immoral
The trades you made ain't fair you know
Hey, bullshitter, I don't wanna have a single thing to do with you

The way you can suck the blood
Depress overall utility
To ethics, you're no good
Brutish, nasty, short should be the life you lead
'Cause according to my Socrates
I'm unique, you can't replace me
I want the world to witness me kill thee

Hey, bullshitter, always exploit young boys as an immortal, immoral
Tactics you used shameless and low
Hey, bullshitter, I don't wanna have a single thing to do with you
Hey, bullshitter, I don't wanna have a single thing to do with you
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (Screw you)
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (Screw you)


I Don't Use No Worthless Teams
(to the tune of "Boulevard of Broken Dreams")

EXT. TWIN SALA GARDEN

SHAKA:
I walk a Holy Road
The only one that should be ever known
I know where it goes
Only the worthy so I walk alone

I walk with dignity
Fully mindful of my faculties
Saw through heresy
And I'm the only one, thus I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a-

My generosity encompass galaxies
My genetics are superb and cause of envy
Therefore I shepherd dumb sheep with my mercy
And hence I talk alone

Om-Om Om-Om Om-Om Ooom-Om
Om-Om Om-Om Om-Om

I'm here since dawn of times
That divides them from my Divine Mind
Transcend all mankind
Aimless insects whom I mock alone
See my godly light
Focused my stuff so everything's aligned
Powers rivaled Christ
Best man was assigned
And I fought alone

I fought alone
I fought alone
I fought alone
I fought a-

I'm constant in fleeting world because my mind's free
They're constrained by emotions without discipline
Therefore I'm sure nobody can surpass me
And hence I rock alone!

Om-Om Om-Om Om-Om Ooom-Om
Om-Om Om-Om Om-Om

I rock alone
I rock a-

He shows off WHEEL OF REINCARNATION and HEAVENLY DOMINANCE OVER EVIL SPIRITS.

SHAKA:
I am pure energy
Of the Buddhism's equivalent of King
Freed from misery
You lie somewhere bleeding and I rock a...

My unity lives post end of what is empty
This universe exists for my perfection
If you beat me you can form your own theory
'Till then I'm God alone!

UNEXPLAINED SUSPENSEFUL FOOTAGE AFTER CREDITS!

INT. GRIM, BLUE-ISH THRONE ROOM

SHUN WITH CHANGED HAIR: Ooooooooo, look at the baby-eating, young-girl-raping, sucking-human-blood-through-the-umbilicus slug! Isn't she adorable? Come on, you have to admit she's the most wonderful and brilliant creation since Nazism!

IKKI: What the fuck have you done to my little brother?