As Kakashi strode towards the Hokage's office once again to have some serious words with Genma, he was too busy trying to unravel the strange events of the day to notice some strange looks cast his way. It was not until he was already outside the Hokage's door that a baffled Shizune looked up at him and snapped him out of his clouded thoughts.
"Oh, Kakashi, I did not even have time to send a runner for you yet! You should go in, Tsunade is free right now." Shizune seemed surprised to see him. She was the slightly mousy personal assistant of the legendary Sannin who reluctantly governed the village. From her perspective, usually Hatake Kakashi arrived late everywhere, so to come before he was even called and not even through a window was definitely unusual.
Kakashi, on the other hand, had no clue what she was talking about, but decided that since he had not run into Genma yet, he might as well check if he was inside.
When he stepped through the sturdy double doors, he was faced with a glare that was made all the more intimidating by the fact that he had not at all arranged to deserve it. That he knew of, in any case.
"Uh... You were planning to call me?" He glanced behind him and let the doors slide closed before stepping forward.
The buxom woman with the strength to punch through mountains stood up with her knuckles against the desk. "I thought you might have some explaining to do, Hatake. Since you've been prompt for the first time in your life, I figure I'll hear you out first and crack your jaw later."
Kakashi took a step backwards at the menace emanating from the head of the village, who did indeed look ready to pounce on him. He raised his gloveless palms in front of him out of instinct, but they made him remember why he was here to begin with. And gave him a foreboding idea that the day was nowhere near over yet. "Ma'am, I suspect I may have been framed so I do not yet know what we are talking abou-" he had to break off his explanation to apply his extraordinary speed and reflexes to dodge an incoming, chakra-imbued fist.
"WHO IS A GNARLED HAG?!" More evasive manoeuvres were acutely required, as it became apparent that the Hokage was somewhat inebriated and not very attentive to his explanations.
On the other hand, said inebriation seemed to slow down the imposing woman just enough that Kakashi was able to stay just out of her reach. "Eh, this may not be the best of moments or places to discuss this-" Another swing, another dodge, and a pile of paperwork became airborne to frame the site of epic battle avoidance.
"Arrgh, see what you did now! You lecherous bastard, I'll teach you to respect-" Kakashi's eyes widened in alarm when he saw the Hokage's hands start to form seals. Thinking fast, Kakashi decided that minimizing the chances of Tsunade levelling the Hokage tower in her drunken rage and then blaming it on his self-preservation was a new top priority.
He quickly dropped to his knees and pressed his forehead and palms to the floor. "Konoha no Namekuji Tsunade-hime, heir of Senju clan and fifth Hokage! I submit myself to your summary judgement!"
Tsunade's gathering chakra dispersed like a thunderstorm blown away by a surprise reversal of the polarity of the universe. "You what?"
The sudden change of approach had derailed her wrath. Kakashi let out the breath he had been holding. Now it was important to not incense her again. She had mentioned hags and lack of respect and lechery, but he had no clue what he was facing. He kept his head close to the floor. "I will accept the full punishment for my actions, Hokage-sama. Please forgive my debilitating ignorance; I do not know the details of what has happened."
Tsunade snorted. "Too drunk to remember what you did last night? It's not like you, Kakashi, although I can relate." She rubbed her temples. "So you don't recall molesting this civilian?"
Kakashi suppressed the urge to groan or to move. "No, Hokage-sama."
Tsunade looked around at the scattered paperwork and picked up one report that had miraculously not joined in the wild scattering of earlier. And you don't recall telling her, I quote, 'Take up with the Hokage, see if I care what that...' he heard her grip tighten on the innocent sheet of paper, 'gnarled, badload hag thinks'?"
Kakashi grit his teeth together. "Was this in public, ma'am?"
He swore he could almost hear Tsunade rolling her eyes. "Only at the biggest civilian pub of the village, and in front of a dozen eyewitnesses, including the woman who filed a complaint on your behaviour. What were you doing in a place like that, anyway? Couldn't you go catch tail somewhere more quiet?" She placed the report back on the desk with a resigned flick of her wrist.
Kakashi took the lack of paper-slamming as a sign that the situation might have calmed down enough to give a new try. "Hokage-sama. It seems I have been set up; I spent most of last night grading papers at home, and have not been even near a bar. I also just came from my land-lady, where someone had placed a genjutsu to make her believe my ninken were barking all night for several days. I came here looking for answers, actually."
Tsunade took a while to digest this. "Grading papers?"
Kakashi raised his head slowly. "Iruka had left a note and a pile of his students' essays in my mailbox..." He frowned. "Although I never found him to ask about that either. It might have been a part of the series of ruses, now that I think of it."
Tsunade chuckled. "Sounds likely. He's actually on a rare vacation as we speak." Then she downright giggled. "So, you're saying there's someone setting you up to stern talking-tos and extra paperwork? Why on earth?"
Kakashi judged the situation to be defused enough to get up. He dusted his pants while collecting his theories. "I have a hunch that Genma might be involved. Some of these setups would fit his style."
Six.
Once Kakashi had been released by the now mostly amused Hokage to pursue the further investigation of his mystery, he proceeded to the bottom floors of the Hokage tower. He learned from Shizune on his way out that Genma had just been relieved of guard duty and could be found by the dress lockers getting changed before going out.
He idly pondered the slight pink tint on the cheeks of the secretary as he'd acknowledged her help by passing this information. He knew she had to keep tabs on quite a bit to help the occasionally sake-distracted Tsunade run the village, but it was still quite impressive that she would know the bodyguard's habits so exactly.
Such observational skill was something special, alright.
His mood grew somewhat darker again before he reached the bottom floor. By the time he was there, he entered the locker rooms without even a courtesy knock. No point in alerting the special jounin before Kakashi had him right where he wanted him.
This turned out to be in the showers. The shower room was full of steam, as the senbon-chewing ladies' man was relaxing after a hard day's work. He was humming something slightly off-key, and the amount of manly perfumes in the air assaulted the copy-ninja's sensitive nose. That man certainly took his duties in attracting the opposite sex seriously, potentially more so than keeping up with his training.
Kakashi smirked as he snuck up on Genma, who was just bending down to retrieve a bar of soap that had fallen on the floor. As his hand reached out to open the door of the shower booth, he pondered just how badly he should freak out his unruly colleague, leaving his guard down all naked and unarmed like that. Not fitting for a bodyguard of the Hokage at all.
But as soon as his fingers reached the handle of the sliding door, he felt something wet, warm and sharp press against his side and a muscular arm lock his upper body in place. The dizzying scent of Genma's perfumed soaps was suddenly everywhere around him, and he knew he had been set up.
"Sneaking up on a guy picking up a soap in the shower, Kakashi? I didn't know you swung that way."
Kakashi snorted, but tried to not make any sudden movements lest the wet, naked but distinctly armed man behind him not take it as an invitation to pierce his new jounin vest with the kunai. Where on earth had he hidden it, anyway? Kakashi glanced at the shower while cursing himself for walking straight into a trap. His gaze shifted just in time to see the bunshin decoy straighten out from the position of flaunting his firm buttock muscles, and disappear with a mocking "poof".
"Well, I am happy to see your stealth training is paying off," Kakashi tried to lighten the mood.
"Yeah, and so is my recon. I got forewarned that someone might be trying to sneak up on me, so I came prepared. What are you up to, Kakashi? If you came to offer me a private show of your hydraulic shaft, I'm sorry to tell you I have other plans for tonight."
Kakashi's battle-hardened composure cracked ever so slightly at the insinuation; it had been a long day, and he was suddenly relieved that the mask hid his face. Blood was rushing to his head, but thankfully mostly to his head, despite the rather distracting presence intimately behind him. Involuntary stiffening of other body parts would have been overmuch social pressure for even the copy-nin to handle.
He considered the situation, keeping to a level as abstract and removed of the immediate physical environment as possible. Genma had been warned off, but otherwise had not been expecting him. This implied that his stop here was as planned as the one at Hokage's. He had walked straight into the trap - and by the looks of things, unless Genma was playing particularly coy, he was not behind it.
Kakashi's shoulders slumped. Was he losing his edge? "You were warned in advance? I did not even know I was coming down here before a moment ago."
Genma made a sound of surprise, but loosened his grip. "What are you doing here, then?"
Kakashi sighed. "I am looking for someone who has set me up into an elaborate trap, but I am getting the idea this lead was just another part of it." He straightened his outfit, acutely aware of smelling quite intimately of Genma's perfumed embrace now. Luckily most shinobi outside the Inuzuka clan did not have the sense of smell he did, or this could start off gossip even more die-hard than the ones about him and Iruka. And honestly, Kakashi found that he minded rumoured connection to the gentle young teacher less than to the wise-cracker Genma.
Who, to top it off, seemed to not have a problem at all standing stark naked in front of his seniors. Kakashi had reflexively turned around to face the man to exchange notes but found he had trouble looking him in the eye. The younger man's body, which had recently been pressed against his, was glistening in a way that reminded him of a completely different brown-haired person taking a relaxing bath at his place. Curse you, Genma, you and your wet locks of hair and smooth skin.
He chose to engrossedly study the patterns of the nearby floor on the side instead. "It would have to be someone who can predict my movements all the way here. Who did you get the warning from?"
"That someone was after me? Gai." Kakashi more felt than saw the thoughtful look in Genma's eyes.
It made sense. Genma and Gai had been in the same team, so the former would not question the motivation of such a warning. Had Kakashi's and Gai's eternal rivalry gone too far?
Seven.
This time, Kakashi was convinced he would not storm in unannounced. Gai could, after all, be another red herring in a chain of plots. Also, he did not generally come equipped with the finesse for such elaborate plans. Gai was a man of action, not twisting and turning trickery.
Nevertheless, he had no real choice but to follow the trail of crumbs to his old rival's house. Kakashi found himself cringing slightly when he knocked on the door, but fortunately it did not explode on him. Small blessings.
The same could not be said of his boisterous friend when he came to open the door, however. Kakashi found himself engulfed in an empathetic bearhug before he even had a chance to step in. As this was within normal parameters of Gai's behaviour, Kakashi allowed himself to be accosted inside without protest.
After Gai's exhilaration from this surprise visit had settled down somewhat, Kakashi went straight to the point. "Gai, someone has set a series of traps for me. I have been following a carefully set up trail of leads to you. Has anyone asked you recently to warn off Genma about anything?"
Gai shook his head, looking puzzled. Looking puzzled, in Gai's case, involved throwing his arms in the air and being moved close to tears. "Oh, that such treachery and deception would befall my rival brother in arms! What kind of trap has been sprung on you? We shall solve this mystery together, my friend!"
Kakashi was absent-mindedly translating Gai's energetic output to normal language, and just picked up the important bits. "My landlady had been deliberately irked, there was a stink bomb in my apartment, ..." he was interrupted in mid-stream by another bearhug.
"Your apartment has been assaulted?! This calls for resolute action! You are now staying with me until your residential problems have been resolved!"
Kakashi considered his options. All in all, he would not be sleeping very comfortably at his flat before the stench had cleared, and he was really going to need a good night's rest after this dreadful day. So he accepted Gai's offer, grateful that at least something was going his way today.
That is, before Gai arrived bearing a tray of tea and declared that fortunately he had just acquired half a dozen new socialization games from a sudden yard sale that would certainly require competitive testing over the evening and the days to come. He also enthusiastically expressed he was particularly looking forward to the Flea-Hopper Infinite DeLuxe edition, demanding dexterity and concentration for bouncing flat coin-shaped discs into a cup.
Eight.
Two hours later, halfway into their first game of Flea-Hopper, Kakashi had already reached a new level of despair. Suddenly a hasty knock on the door roused them both. Gai dashed to get it, and Kakashi enjoyed his brief respite from continuous competing.
His relief lasted until Gai came back, looking quite distraught. "Kakashi, I'm afraid we have to finish our game later. It was a runner from the hospital. Neji's been admitted in a critical state."
Kakashi was instantly on his feet. Neji had been dealing with a lot lately, which might have distracted him severely - which, for a ninja on active duty, could easily prove fatal. "I'm coming with you."
The two men rushed to the central hospital of Konoha. Unfortunately, it was a very hectic time for the staff, as academy finals were at their most dangerous stage, and as their business was not urgent, nor were they family members, they were instructed to sit and wait until someone would have time to inform them what was going on.
The wait took a gruelling fifty minutes before Kakashi gave up on playing by the book and snuck past the orderlies to check the bookkeeping himself. After a few minutes of decrypting the local notation, he was pretty convinced of what he was seeing. Or more specifically, what he was not seeing.
Hyuuga Neji was not in this hospital. This had all been a part of the chain of traps.
Nine.
But why Neji?
Surely Kakashi would feel concern for the young Hyuuga, but to really get to him, it would have made more sense to fake the hospitalization of one of his team members. Although it would have made less sense for the announcement to come to Gai's apartment, it seemed that this was a reasonably far-fetched way to get to him.
He closed the books and returned to Gai, who was looking at him very strangely.
Gai seemed highly relieved that Neji was not admitted after all, and empathetically shared Kakashi's suspicion that this might be a part of a more complex plot. After a few demonstrative poses and thumbs-up, Gai plopped back on the seat next to Kakashi and pulled something from a hidden pocket in his tights.
"Also, Kakashi, my friend, someone was by to give me this. It's addressed to you." He handed an envelope to Kakashi.
Dread and curiosity mixed in Kakashi's mind. It had been a really long day, he wanted to get sleep, but having a message directly addressed to him was certainly a new type of development in this chain of events. Maybe it was drawing to a finale by now.
If only he were so lucky that the note would just reveal the purpose and ransom demands behind this all, he thought, no one in their right mind would go through all this trouble without some kind of secondary goal...
As he opened the envelope, he blanched behind his mask. Gai immediately reacted to his stiffness and jumped up from where he was sitting to see what he was looking at.
Inside the envelope, there was no letter. No demands, no promises of bringing this chain of events to a swift end if specified actions were taken. No, this was worse. This was, in fact, worse than anything he had imagined.
The envelope had a page from a book. The page had a bent corner where a bookmark had been made. Kakashi specifically remembered bookmarking that page himself, and fondly following it several times.
The page had been cut off from his dearest Icha Icha book, from the start of his favourite scene. It had been crumpled and something had been poured on it, but was still easily recognizable.
Kakashi took off in a run towards his home.
His heart pounding, he almost forgot to prepare stop and prepare a lengthy jutsu to protect him from the malodorous assault of the first desecration of his home. The sacrilege he dreaded made his hands shake when going through the seals. But when he was finished, he was so well protected he would not smell a thing.
He unlocked the door and took the few quick steps he needed to confirm his nightmare:
All the Icha Icha books were gone, in the hands of his tormentor.
Ten.
