The ship's deck was illuminated by softly colored paper lanterns and long poles with flaming heads whose flames flickered lazily in the oceanic breeze. Alice stood off to the side, trying her best to remain in the shadows of the ongoing gather. She was adorned in her best red dress, a silky gown which had draped shoulders and a gathered waist; the long skirt hid the worn boots she wore beneath. Her long blonde curly hair was piled up on her head in carefully pinned swirls and twirls, an elegant pattern her mother had spent hours teaching her to master. She regretted wearing the dress, even if she had done it to be kind to Lord Ascot, as she had not succeeded in enjoying herself an ounce, but instead had been the sight at the party. The only other women were some prostitutes the sailors had snuck aboard at the last port, much to the captain's dismay. The girls were far more interested in the coin bags the men carried at their hips than they were in what Alice wore, much less in what she had to say. As for the men, they were mostly drunk and laughing obscenely at the things the girls whispered into their ears, which Alice doubted was truly that funny. A select few were drunk enough to demonstrate various jigs and dances from their native towns. The bawdiness of the activity and the air of promiscuity was what had Alice banished to the outskirts of the event, trying to avoid all the attention that was unwelcomely brought to her. She particularly did not like the way some of the men looked at her, as if she were something to eat at that moment in time.
She was distracted, watching some red headed men dance around each other when a hand caught her delicate arm. "Alice," The voice attached to the arm said and she turned around. Her heart sank when she saw his face.
"Oh, well hello, Henry." She said trying to hide the dread in her voice.
"It's almost time for the quadrille and I am most hoping that you will come and dance with me." He smiled widely at her and held out his hand.
Alice looked around looking for a way to excuse herself, escape the bondage of a long dance she had lost all interest in before she had left England, when she mistakenly caught Lord Ascot's eyes. He made an exaggerated motion with his head as if to say"Go on, accept his offer!". Alice took the doctor's hand with much dismay and he chuckled lightly as he appraised what she assumed was a grimace on her pale mouth.
"Oh, dear Alice, I am so glad you are going to dance with me tonight." He replied with more excitement that Alice wanted, and kissed her hand.
She hoped that another set of intoxicated dancers would steal the makeshift dance floor before he could lead her on and summon the turn of the gramophone to sing a song composed of the most delicate of orchestras. Alice did not understand delicacy, and she surely did not want to learn it now. She looked around eagerly for someone to encourage to take the stage next, any man. Someone preferably drunk enough to make a scene so she could steal away. Her stomach churned as the giddy song the Irishmen danced to came to an end. And the horrid notes of a quadrille began.
Henry took her hand in his with a confident grab and began leading her in the steps of the classic ballroom dance. She fell back into her thoughts, her feet knowing what they must do to spin her around, her arms relying on Henry's leading touches, to bring her smoothly through the steps of a dance she had practiced thousands of times over in her teenage years. While Alice slipped into her thoughts, Henry sank deeper in the vision of Alice which echoed as a never ending Cheshire grin upon his face. She began to feel horridly uncomfortable and it caused her distance herself from him in the dance as far as the steps would allow.
"Alice, you are one of the most intelligent and fascinating girls I have ever met, I must be honest." Henry began to speak, his words pulling her away from her deep thinking.
"Oh, I'm sorry." She answered as she looked up at him. He smiled more deeply and she felt an agonizing fire begin to alight in her cheeks.
"There is nothing to apologize for, dear one. It's just that you are one of a kind. I like things that are one of a kind." He continued on. "And so, fair Alice,"
"Don't call me fair." She pulled away from him in the middle of the dance, anger now burning her bosom at the utterance of that word with her name. Or perhaps not the utterance, but the utterer instead. Why was she so angry at this adjective? It just described the color of her skin or perhaps the equality of her judgement. She didn't want to even get close to him now. She wanted nothing to do with this…this doctor.
"Alice, I'm sorry. I was only just admiring the fair radiance of your face. Please, I didn't mean to upset you I promise." He took her by the shoulders. "I never want to upset you, I truly don't. The idea of hurting you, pains me, Alice. Because you see, well," His cheeks flushed a deep pink as he dropped his dark gaze from her. "I'm rather embarrassed to say I've fallen so quickly and so deeply, but the truth is, Alice, that I love you." His brown eyes fluttered back up to meet her green ones, and what had turned into a worried frown now blossomed once more into a smile for her. Alice felt her stomach churn again. "And I just wanted to tell you that I want everything that is one of a kind. Well, that is to say, I wish I could have everything that is one of a kind. They are things that capture my heart and my attention." He paused and he seemed as if he were searching for something to say to her. "I am saying this poorly, Alice, but I will say it all the same….I just wanted to ask you to be mine."
"What?" She demanded, her mouth curving into a semi-circle reflecting her horror, and pulled away again in the middle of the dance.
"Please, Alice, just listen to me." Henry tried to reason with her. "I know that we haven't known each other for long, and that our conversations haven't been the invirgorating. But the veracity and the audacity of you just inspires me." He spoke quickly, his hands on her shoulders once more, and she could feel him willing her to look at him. "I am not trying to force myself on you, or even try to put ideas in your head. I just wanted to let you know that I have fallen very much in love with you. I want you to be my wife Alice. I want to be your husband. I want to protect and love and guard you." His hands fell from her shoulders to his sides and she dared to look at him. His eyes were pleading with her to give him a chance, to think it over. But Alice didn't need to. She knew her answer before he even asked his question.
"No," Alice took a step away from him, her right arm rising in front of her body to provide some barrier between herself and him.
"I want to be there with you in the greatest of times and the worst of times." He came toward her, his hands splayed before him as if he were reasoning with an unruly colleague.
"No," she insisted, taking another step back and raising her hand higher.
"Just give me a chance to prove myself, please!" He begged and reached out to cease her by her upper arms, locking her in place before him.
"No, no, no!" Alice yelled and wrenched herself from his grip. "Leave me be." She turned quickly and ran. Silly Alice, why was she always running? She thought to herself, but headed further from the dance floor as fast as she could.
She continued to run, her boots clacking along the floorboards of the ship, and her lungs screaming for air as she put more distance between her and the man who wanted her so badly. She only stopped when she had lost him— for now. It was a boat. She couldn't run forever. But for now she could vomit over the side of the boat, after all. He was bound to catch up with her at some point, and when he did, she couldn't hope that a tumble down the rabbit hole would be able to save her from an answer she didn't want to give again.
Her head began to spin as she carefully climbed down the steps to the galley, making her way down the rocking hallway to the door that had become familiar to her on the trip. The door that led to her small slice of privacy on a ship that sought to expose every inch of her. Pour out all her insecurities and her failings, make way to dreams that would destroy her and tear her apart. This was too much pressure and too much thinking. It was making her world topsy turvy, which was making her very, very sick.
She quickly entered her small quarters, locking the door securely behind her. She began to pull the dress from her body, leaving it in a heap on the floor, pulling her underclothes away and throwing her boots in the corner of the room. She ripped the stockings she had so uncharacteristically donned her feet with upon the discarded dress, reaching for her night shift, pulling it over her trembling body.
She was so tired and she was homesick. She wanted this trip to truly be over, she wanted Lord Ascot to make his announcement now, to order the captain to turn the ship around. She needed to go back to England. She needed to find her bloody rabbit hole. She needed this madness to stop by finding the madness that had started it all.
She lay her exhausted body on her bed, pulling the worn quilt around herself, settling into the pillow. Her eyes were heavy, but sleep seemed to take forever to return this evening. Alice tossed and turned in her bed again, until finally she was visited and her eyes drifted away, her mind sinking once more into Wonderland. But, to her dismay, this Time at the beginning.
Alice wandered through the woods and by now she knew she was lost. She had struggled in the hall of doors, almost forgetting the key when she had made herself big, and had trouble wielding it when she made herself too small with too much pishalver. What a horrid day this was turning out to be.
First there was that unbearable situation with Henry. She felt bad. She truly did. Henry wasn't all that bad, and he certainly would make some very lucky woman extremely happy someday. And he was probably so sincere and meant all the wonderful things he said about her. They were such sweet and nice things. But what upset Alice more was the fact that they weren't coming from the one person she wanted to hear them from. They were coming from a whole other source. Why was her life being such a cruel tease? Why was she able to return to Underland in her sleep, but her return in her waking hours seemed forever away?
Her head spinning, and her heart aching, Alice conceded that she was, indeed, hopeless lost. To her relief, she spotted a giant flat boulder in the midst of a small clearing and sat down upon it. She brought her knees to her forehead and crumpled her forehead onto the bony ends of her knees, folding her body over on itself. She began to weep as she had never wept before. She was not just lost in Underland, oh no. This was just a small portion of where she had misplaced all her direction. She was lost in all directions, of every aspect of her life. Shouldn't she already be smitten with a wonderful man by now and having his babies? That's what she had been told anyhow.
But Alice did love. That was the curious part about it. However, like most her life, this love was so very complicated. And all Alice felt she could do was weep and weep many tears. Perhaps she would fill the whole land again with a flood of her tears and drown. Then she wouldn't have to worry about loving or be loved. Doing something in this world or relying on other people.That would be such a wonderful place, she thought to herself.
"Alice?" A familiar voice interrupted her dismal thoughts and she looked up with a tear stained face.
"Thackery?" She exclaimed as she looked up and beheld the sight of the unstable hare.
"What are you doing out here? Don't you usually just go straight to the table?" He asked and carefully hopped up to the boulder.
"Usually I do," she agreed with his assessment, her shoulders falling as she considered the representation. "I suppose my dreams are a mirror to my life. Nothing is ever straight."
"Ahh, that's a poor way of thinking about it. I like to consider it as more of an adventure." He scolded and bounded down a path. "Sometimes you need to be dropped off at the beginning to find another way through it. Or else to remember the way you came. If you constantly hop to the middle, you just might forget how to get to there."
"Where are you going?" She watched as he bounded off without looking back.
"Well to the party of course. Aren't you coming? You sure are quite dressed up for one." He replied as he bounded forward.
Alice looked down at her attire and was surprised to find herself in the beautiful red dress she had worn earlier to the ship's party instead of in the shift she had worn to bed. With a sigh, she knew better than to let the mad rabbit too far out of sight, and stood to her feet once more. Her energy was low as she began to walk forward, so much of it spent on what Absolem would scold her 'useless tears'. So she took the back of her hand wiped them away, clearing her vision to what was before her. Then she began to follow the March Hare on his winding trek through the dense thicket of trees.
She followed Thackery for what seemed like ages before coming to the familiar clearing with the table set upon the worn Persian rug. Its sole occupant sat at the head of the table, his head folded in, his arms across his chest. He's like the dead, sitting there so still and proper. Alice pondered as she took in what Tarrant looked like when she wasn't in his pesnce.
"Tarrant, I've brought a guest." Thackery said and bounded up to the table, laughing madly. Tarrant sat at his chair unmoving, clearly not seeing that the guest in question was one he very much would like to see.
"How delightful, Thack. But I can't say I'm quite in the mood for seeing anyone today." The Hatter responded, still not looking up from his slouched position.
"Oh but I think you will like this one," Thackery argued as he bounded across the table and into the woods again. Tarrant looked up quickly and paused.
"Alice?" He exclaimed and stood, upsetting the white bone china tea cup before him. It fell to its side, spilling tea over the badly stained table covering. "Why, it's my fair Alice!" He worked his way around the table before breaking out in a run to her, throwing his arms about her when he reached her presence and kissed her cheek.
Alice blushed and leaned against him as she lost her breathe and balance. He held her tight in his arms. "I am seeing you again?" He held onto her as though he couldn't believe what his brilliant green eyes showed was indeed before him in full Evaporating flesh.
"I am so happy to see you again, Hatter." She greeted him, pulling away from his embrace to reach up and touch his cheek. He leaned his face into it and looked at her with his beautiful emerald green eyes.
They stood there, in each other's arms, taking in the curve of the other's cheek, the color of the skin, the slight blemishes left by battles past. They drank in each other, mesmerized and paralyzed by the sight before them. Not once did she think about that fact that neither of them thought this wrong or unnatural. They just stood together and basked in the sight of the other. After an eternity, or just mere seconds, Tarrant finally stirred and awoke Alice from her trance, pulling her along with him by the hand to the table.
"Please, tell me of your adventures today and why you are wearing this inspiring dress. Tell me why your hair is so lovely as you sleep." He reached up gingerly to touch her perfectly coifed hair, his fingers ghosting the curves of locks she had not pulled from their strongholds. "But I suppose your hair is always lovely in your sleep, the way it glows like the sun. It brings radiance to the beautiful face that it cascades down. It absolutely takes away-"
"Hatter!" She interrupted him, her hands falling on his forearms to cease his incessant ramble. Tarrant smiled down at her and she blushed again. This flushing of her face was getting on her nerves. How many times would she turn the color of a tulip in her dreams?
"Right, I'm fine." He conceded. He reached to the center of the table where the pastries were haphazardly stacked, reaching his hand among the thick. His hand returned with a cupcake which he offered to her, and she took eagerly. After she had done so, he poured tea into her blue china cup. "Onto the day's events." He commanded her, settling back into his chair.
"Well, first off there was a fight with broomsticks on the deck today." She started, but found she wasn't sure where she wanted to go next.
She instead stopped to take a bite of her cupcake. It was sweet and delicious, the way dream food always was. She chewed it, trying to figure out whether she should tell the Hatter about her second proposal tonight. She wanted to, she loved confiding in him. He listened so well to her like she was telling the grandest adventure in all of Underland. But he had been with her in her greatest moment. Her life would be no grander than it was in her other world.
"I hope no one was harmed in the fiercesome battle." He commented when she still said nothing.
"Oh, no. It was merely a bunch of childlike men swinging poles at one another. It seemed so trivial compared to what I've seen. War is something that should never be taken lightly." Alice replied with a slight frown playing on the corners of her mouth.
"Alice, you are my puzzle." He watched her curiously, his eyes following the curve of her face. "But do go on. I absolutely love your tales of adventures on this impetuous journey."
"They aren't journeys. Journeys are when we go new places, do new things. We use our muchness." Alice corrected him, placing the cupcake down on the plate before her with emphasis. How could he call her life above a journey? She saw it as nothing but a trial she had to endure.
"Alice, you always see life as you were here. Either too tall or too small. Each day is the same height of opportunity. It's just a…hatter?...m…matter (oh joy! another word of m!)…of seeing it that way." He smiled as he gently resisted her idea, placing his hand gently on hers. She paused and looked at him. She had to tell him, but she decided she had to tell him as though he was the brain she thought to. He could help her figure out his riddle.
"There's more, Tarrant."
"About the duel? Did it end dreadfully?" His red mouth curved in concern.
"It ended predictably." Alice tilted her head gently, but shook it, dismissing the thought of the fight. "But no, Tarrant, no it has to do with a party that happened on the ship later that day."
"Oh, parties, I do love good parties! Tell me, Alice, was there good dancing? Did anyone do exceptional Futterwacken?"
"I am happy to say that you hold the title of the Futterwacken king." She informed him with a satisfied smiled. It quickly melted when she began to search for ways to tell him what had occurred. "There were quite a few amusing dances. But I was asked to quadrille so I did not get to try any of them"
"Quadrille?"
"It's some fancy dance that people of my world with money learn to dance beautifully with each other. It becomes to engrained one can do it while thinking of great conundrums." Alice spread her arms wide, her eyes rolling as she tried to explain the ridiculousness of the ritual.
"Well, it sounds a perfect way to pass the time in solving riddles." His green eyes continued to watch her every movement, narrowing slightly as he conceded that her actions did not match her words. "But the way you look when you talk about it makes me wonder that it isn't frumious."
"Oh, it's terribly frumious." She agreed and a laugh danced across her lips. Tarrant's smile returned, and he gripped her hands in his now.
"Please continue. So you danced this quadrille. With whom did you dance, my fair one?" He asked and looked at her eagerly. Alice couldn't help but feel the corners of her mouth turn upwards at the way his endearment slipped out of his lips.
"I danced with the doctor I told you about, Henry. He was a very fine dancer I must admit. But the quadrille is not a dance to really show how enthusiastic one is." She looked down and began to pull her hands away.
"Whatever is the matter? Alice, are you feeling well?" The Hatter asked and placed a hand on her cheek, then he forehead.
"No, I just…we were dancing and I was thinking. Oh Tarrant I was thinking about the way that my very twisted insides feel. They feel so utterly lost and confused, as if I am still missing something. And I think I am beginning to figure it out." She stopped, thinking he would interrupt her, but to her relief, or perhaps disappointment?, he didn't. "And then Henry began talking to me. About how I was one of a kind, how I was the only girl he'd ever met just like me. I think I should have been flattered." The words were tumbling out of her mouth, with no dam to stop their flow at this point. It was all going to spill before his feet in a big ugly mess, and she was sure she'd be left alone to pick up the pieces. "He said he admired my tenacity and my audacity. He said he thought I was fair. When he used that word, fair, something inside me burned right up inside. It made me angry!" Alice could feel the rage build up again, tears beginning to sheen her vision.
"But Alice, you are fair. He was only using the proper word to describe to you how you are." Tarrant reasoned, his head cocking to the side as he looked at her with knitted brows. "At least he is quick enough to recognize that."
"But he wasn't just complimenting me to compliment me. Tarrant, he asked me to marry him" Alice winced as the word came out of her mouth. "I denied him, several times I believe, but I couldn't get the burn of that word fair out of my mind. And I realize I probably should have been flattered and floating on air. But Tarrant, I don't love him." She said and looked at the hat maker with wild wide green eyes. He paused and looked at her curiously.
"Alice, will you ever know when you love?"
"I began to question that myself, as I was hurling yet again into the ocean." She said and laughed, trying to relieve the tension that began to grow around the two of them. "But I realized as I was drifting off to sleep this evening that I do love. I love someone very dearly. But it's like I said before, it's so very complicated."
"Alice, my puzzle, perhaps you could tell me and I could help you solve this riddle." He offered his help gently, and she knew that she should trust him. She needed to trust him at some point if she ever wanted this conundrum to solve itself. Alice looked down at her lap, embarrassed. Tarrant put his hands on her face and she looked up at him again.
"Alice, perhaps I know exactly how you are feeling right now." He suggested, his green eyes exploring her face once more. Alice smiled a little and looked at him.
"The very best way to tell a girl you love her is by kissing her, you know. That's what I've been told ever since I was a tike." She smiled at him and he paused, his face fell a little. And then he leaned forward, ever so close to her…
"Alice!" A small voice called from the end of the table. Tarrant dropped his hand from the girl's face and both looked down the table.
"Mally," Alice said first, recognizing the oversized mouse standing at the end of the table.
"You're back to Underland?" The dormouse's tail flicked as she asked the question.
"Well, in the Evaporating World for now. I'm afraid I am a bit far from the rabbit hole in my land for the Time being, but I am quickly making my way back. I had to solve a couple things while I was back for my visit up there." She smiled and folded her hands together on the table.
"Well, it's very nice seeing you around, Champion." Mally responded, though Alice could swear she heard a bit of bitterness in her squeak. Alice noticed the way the creature eyed the Hatter and it brought curious thoughts to her mind. Mally sat at the table across from her, and she fully had Tarrant's attention now
"Why is it you've returned, Mally. You aren't one for sitting about this table and doing nothing." Tarrant asked her, his voice on edge. Alice glanced over at him, her soft eyebrwos crossing as she tried to figure out what had set him off.
"Rumor has it that Iracebeth is forming her rebels into an effective group. She wants a formal battle with Mirana herself, no more pieces to go in for her. She wants to Checkmate the queen." Mally answered and looked pointedly at Alice as she added the next line. "Seems that she should have been destroyed on the Frabjous day, she was probably the Jabberwocky the Oraculum spoke of."
"I am sure the Vorpal sword would have directed me toward her had she been the fiercesome creature." Alice retorted. She was in no way going to be insulted by Mally. She was tired of being bossed and bullied around by the little dormouse. She barely reached up to Alice's knee! Tarrant only glared at Mally and shook his head.
"Besides, you know that the Jabberwocky is not royalty. He is a creature, a terrible one at that, not a queen. The poem would have said so."
"Well, hopefully Mirana will see what is going on. The only thing she seems to notice in her courts now is Gavin." Mally replied, with another unsatisfied whip of her tail.
"Oh, that is a horrid creature." Tarrant agreed as he wrinkled his nose.
"Gavin? I'm sorry I can't remember meeting him." Alice interrupted, trying to think of the hundreds of names she had met.
"Gavin is new to the Queen's court, the one I showed you one of the last times you visited." Tarrant said and looked at her.
"Oh yes, now I remember." Alice nodded her head and recalled the flaxen featured man Tarrant had showed her to her mind now
"The stupid toadie was the one who tried to have me arrested!" Tarrant slightly stuck his nose in the air, a pure look of indignation. "I wouldn't have it though, Time is keeping me here."
"Hardly," Mally said, glaring once more at Alice.
"Is Gavin royalty then?" Alice asked, as she tried to ignore the rodent who was looking down her nose at Alice.
"No one is quite sure what he is." Mally answered, clearly making up for Tarrant's lack of knowledge. "You'll have to excuse the Hatter. He's been in the Evaporating World for quite some Time. Seems like someone keeps offending him." She said with a bit in the edge of her words.
"He is a rather interesting fellow, from the brief period we met. Gavin, that is. Not Time." Tarrant said and turned to Alice. "But, of course, the sooner you return to Underland the sooner you will be able to see and think for yourself." Tarrant smiled at her once more, his eyebrows arching as he thought of her return. But just as quickly as he light up, he fell back down with a large frown on his red lips. "Perhaps you will be on your way back though now."
Alice looked down at her hands which were now fading. She glanced up and saw a little smile of approval dance across Mally face. That wretched mouse always looking to tear her apart at the seams! Alice took her mind off Mallymkin and looked now at Tarrant.
"Perhaps I shall see you tomorrow, dear Hatter?" She asked and she could hear her voice becoming weaker as well.
"Yes! Of course, do your best to hurry back!" He said. Alice closed her eyes and leaned forward, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"Fairfarren, Tarrant."
"Fairfarren, Alice." He said.
Alice awoke disoriented but awake in the ship's bed. She was wrapped in the quilt, shivering in her shift, her dress no longer on her body. She looked down from her bunk and saw the crimson material in a heap on the floor.
She sat up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, when her eyes' attention was caught. She turned her head to look at the place beside her bunk. Something glittered on the table next to her. It was a ring— a diamond encased in gold. Next to it sat a card. She picked it up and read it:
Alice,
Please do not cast me off hastily. Perhaps the man you always say in your dreams at night is not meant for you. Maybe that is why he stays in your dreams instead of materializing into true life. Please use your head Alice. I will be in England with Lord Ascot before our next adventure sets off. I know we are headed home that way. You left before you could hear the announcement that you were going off on your own vessel, with a few hands of men to get home so much more the quickly. Goodbye, Alice. For now anyways,
Sincerely
Henry
She was headed home. She was headed home so much sooner than she thought.
She needed to pack.
Casting the letter aside, Alice tumbled from the bed and scurried over to her trunk to begin to replace everything that had made its way into the light on her time abroad.
