THE DISTRESS

Emily went back to work only 3 days after her miscarriage. She was faking it, wearing her poker face and acting strong, but deep inside she was broken in thousands of pieces. Two weeks after her miscarriage, work was her only obsession and she was coming earlier and leaving later than before. Coffee was her drug and she was drinking it like water. A death glare was the answer to anyone who pitied her, and she was biting like a bulldog anyone who did not agree with her. The first day after her return to work, she had had a big break down in front of the whole White House staff. Tired of feeling everyone's pity and looks of sympathy, she had yelled at everybody in the hallway leading to her office that they should mind their own business and go back to work.

Everybody had tried to talk to her, but in vain. Tom Kirkman, the man that she had sometimes considered her father had wanted to force her to stay at home longer, but even he had had the misfortune to talk to a wall. Seth, her best friend, had tried too. One day, he had closed the door of her office and made her sit on the couch to talk about it. She had looked at him and asked him to mind his own business. She had not even talked to her parents about it. She had had a call from her mom, but since she had not even been aware of the pregnancy at first, she had decided she wouldn't say anything about the miscarriage neither.

Aaron was a wreck, but on the contrary to his other half, he was showing it. It wasn't his intention, he wasn't asking for anyone's pity, but he was hurt. They had lost their baby, and Emily was so icy with him that it was hard to come home every night to a woman that was barely talking to him. Of course, she was grieving too, he knew that. But he wished that they could talk, go through this together. Every night when she was going to bed, she was staying on her side of the bed, and far enough so that Aaron would not touch her. It was paining him so much that a knot was forming in his stomach every evening when he had to come home. They were not even going back home together anymore. Aaron had tried to wait for her, but after two nights of being kicked out of her office, he had given up.

It was only 11 a.m. but Aaron was already drinking his first whisky of the day. He was sitting in his chair in his office, reading a report on an incident that had happened two days ago. Seth knocked at the door and entered. At first, Aaron thought that it was work related, but seeing his friend closing the door and sitting in the chair in front of him made him understand it wasn't.

"Do you need to talk?" Seth asked

"What do you want me to talk about?" Aaron answered.

"Anything. Everything. Starting by why the hell you are drinking scotch at 11 a.m. at work on a Wednesday?"

Aaron's answer was to take another glass out of his drawer and poured whisky in. He offered it to Seth who didn't refuse.

"Ok, talk man. I see you want to." Seth insisted.

"Emily is barely even talking to me anymore. I know she is grieving, but I am too. She doesn't come home in the same time than me, she sleeps on the other side of the bed, she yells at people and doesn't stand me touching her, or me taking her in my arms. It's been two weeks. And she hasn't shed a tear since that day. She is faking it. I know she is hurt. But I cannot stand her ignoring me anymore."

"Man… You need to talk to her."

"If only she was talking to me."

"I've never been through this, I know I can't understand, but I'm sure time will make the difference. Feel free to talk to me whenever you want. You know you can come by my office whenever you need. You're not the only one hiding a bottle in the lower drawer of your desk…"

Seth's last comment made Aaron chuckle slightly. Seth always had the right comment to lighten the mood, and Aaron was grateful for that.

"How are you holding up? Personally I mean." Seth asked.

"I think that this glass of scotch pretty much sums it up all."

Seth did not answer and just drank a sip of his own glass.

"I just feel like there is something I could have done, a reason why we lost the baby, I just need an explanation. This baby wasn't planned, but we would have made it, it was half her, half me, it was just us. We could have done it."

Aaron finished his glass of whisky and poured a new one.

"Slow down man, we never know what happens in this building. I'd like you to be sober to deal with a potential national security crisis."

"Yeah you're right. Drink it for me." Aaron answered, putting the glass in front of the Press Secretary.

Seth declined and left the office, explaining that he had a press conference a few minutes later. The rest of the day went by the same pace. Aaron had Emily had had lunch together, but sitting each at one end of the couch. For once, they had talked business, it had seemed like the only thing they could talk about. In the evening, Aaron had once again come home alone, eaten dinner alone, and had gone to bed alone.

Emily was pushing back the time when she would go home. It was already 11:30 p.m. but she didn't want to come back home. She had never been that ahead on her work, and she was still finding things to do. She finally left the office a bit before 1 a.m., and sighed loudly before entering their apartment. She didn't want to see him, or talk to him. She couldn't handle it. She knew she would cry, and she couldn't afford the luxury to cry. She couldn't wallow, she didn't have time for that, so building walls had been the easiest option. She had seen him, she had seen how hurt he was, but she had a country to save first and it was her only goal for now. Her personal life could wait, and after all, Aaron could understand that, he was saving the country everyday too.

Emily went straight to bed after changing to her nightgown and brushing her teeth. She was exhausted and was hoping to fall asleep as soon as her head ended up on the pillow. But suddenly, Aaron turned around in the bed, and in an instinctive movement, wrapped an arm around her. She felt her breath being taken away. She couldn't breathe anymore, she was suffocating. She was feeling trapped in her feelings and pain. She tried not to move, not to panic, but it was too much. She started breathing rapidly and pushed him away with all the strength she had and ran toward the bathroom. She slammed the door and let herself slide against the wall. She was in tears, she couldn't stop crying, it was just too much and she could feel herself panicking.

Of course, she had woken up Aaron in her rush toward the bathroom, and he tried to understand what was happening. He slowly stood up and walked toward the bathroom, where he knocked to enter. He could hear her cry, and though it was paining him, he was relieved that she was finally allowing herself to grieve properly. She did not answer him, so he decided to enter the bathroom anyway. He walked toward her and he squatted down in front of her. At first, he didn't say anything, he wasn't sure what he should do. He showed her his hands in an offer to hold them, and waited for her to take them. She finally did, and he started speaking.

"Em, talk to me please"

"What do you want me to say? Nothing that you already know. I hate myself, I lost our baby. I should have listened to the doctor, I should have taken it slow, I should have been more careful with my rhythm, my food, my drinks. I should have stayed home more often and slept more. Everything is my fault. It's all my fault and I hate myself for this. I cannot stand looking at you anymore, or touching you, everything in you makes me feel that I killed our baby."

Aaron started crying at the revelation. He couldn't even imagine what she was going through. Not one second he had imagined that she would feel responsible for the miscarriage. He was abashed, shocked, there were no words to describe what he could feel when she told her. Tears started running down his cheeks and his voice broke when he started to speak.

"Honey, YOU did not loose the baby. WE did. It wasn't your fault. It never was and it never will be. Our lives are crazy. Our jobs are crazy. This baby wasn't even in our plans. We were not prepared for that, and maybe there are things that we should have done and we didn't, but we will never know that, and I cannot let you say that this is your fault or that you killed our baby. You had a miscarriage, it happens to so many women in the world, whatever their job, their life, their health condition. It happens. It's been two weeks I try to find a logical explanation to this, but there isn't. I realized today that there is no logical explanation. It just happens. We were not lucky enough to see this baby come to the world, but it isn't your fault."

Aaron kneeled and took her in his arms. Her cries doubled in intensity and he started rocking her. He needed that too, and the rocking made them both feel a bit better. They did not say anything else for the next ten minutes, just being finally in each other's arms was enough. At one point, Aaron stood up and helped her to stand up too. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her gently.

"We won't go to work tomorrow. We need to rest." he declared.

And with that, they went back to bed, this time, hugging each other tight.