Big thanks to hanatsuki14 and .x for following/favouriting.
Nenithiel – Traumatised is certainly the word needed!
Sol Phyllon – I should just rename this fic "Poor Kili" shouldn't I. And yeah it'll be an….interesting reaction.
One Without the Other
Forcing his eyes open Fili couldn't help the smile on his face when he saw a celling instead of the sky. The feel of soft pillows against his head and thick blankets pulled over his body. Shutting his eyes again he licked his lips.
It had all been a dream.
Fidgeting in the bed to try and get more comfortable Fili sighed before opening his eyes again. He hadn't realised just how soft his bed really was. He would never take it for granted again. His grip tightened on the blankets as Red Eye's face loomed into view. Fili's chest tightened as he remembered the feel on the whip as it clawed into his back. Shaking his head he tried to block out Kili's frightened cries.
It had just been a dream. It hadn't really happened.
Fili didn't know what to do. He knew the second he was dressed nothing would stop him from rushing to Kili. No matter what Thorin needed him to do today he wouldn't. All he wanted was to be with his brother.
"Fili?"
At his mother's voice Fili frowned. She sounded upset. Turning onto his back he gave a gasp of pain and out of habit he opened his eyes.
This made no sense. If it had been a dream why did his back feel like he really had been whipped? Why did his mother sound so sad?
Fili risked a glance down. As he saw the fresh bandages wrapped around his body his blood froze. His limbs ached and bruises covered him from head to toe. Looking up Fili saw his mother standing in the doorway of his room. Tears were streaking down her face as she took baby steps towards him.
"Fili? They said you might not…you're awake!"
His mother didn't even give him time to think about this. Hurrying towards him she sat down on the bed and gently wrapped her arms around him. Although his back was starting to sting Fili tried not to show any signs of pain for her sake. His brain was too busy thinking everything through. Dis pressed her lips on his head.
"My beautiful boy!"
Fili could feel her tears on his face. Leaning back he gave her a weak smile.
"Mother please! I'm fine."
Dis nodded, "I know, I know."
Looking round at his room Fili bit his lip, "How long have I been out for?"
Thorin brought you back yesterday morning. Oin bandaged your back and we managed to get some food in you."
As she spoke Fili was slowly pushing himself up into a sitting position. Each movement tore at his muscles. But he couldn't just lie back like an invalid. His mother held his hands tightly whilst Fili tried to stop his shaking.
If it hadn't been a dream then Kili… His brother was still in danger!
"Where's Thorin now?" Fili had no idea where his sudden burst of energy was coming from. Dis bit her lip.
"He's with Dwalin. I said I'd find him the second you were awake."
Fili clenched his fists, forcing himself to stay calm. It wasn't fair to take it out on his mother. Instead he smiled through gritted teeth.
"Can I see him please?"
"Of course. I'll send him along later."
"No now," Fili wished he wasn't being so harsh. But he needed to see Thorin. He needed to tell him where he could find Kili.
He also needed to give him the biggest lecture he would ever give.
Dis nodded. Getting up she held her shaking hands together before hurrying into the corridor. Leaning back against his pillows Fili tried to keep calm. He would tell Thorin what he knew and then he would go and save his brother.
"Oh Kili. Please be alright," Fili drew his knees against his chest, "I don't know what I'll do if you aren't."
It took a few hours but eventually Fili saw his uncle standing in the doorway. Even though he had a whole speech planned out he couldn't stop the tears from falling as Thorin hurried to his side and embraced him.
"Oh Fili!" Thorin hugged him close, "I still can't believe it! We thought we'd lost you."
Looking over Fili saw his mother was struggling to compose herself. Thorin must have followed his gaze because he gave Dis a smile.
"Go and get something to eat sister. We'll send for you if we need you."
Nodding Dis gave Fili one last kiss before leaving them. Fili waited until her footsteps trailed off into silence. Meanwhile Thorin picked up a chair and sat down beside Fili's bed.
"When we found you in the forest…I thought I'd never see you again!"
Fili shook his head, "Why are you still here?"
Thorin frowned and Fili couldn't help himself.
"Why aren't you out there? Why aren't you looking for Kili?"
Thorin placed a hand against his cheek, "Fili, we are looking for him. But we can't just go wandering off in any direction. I wanted to wait until you were awake and could tell us where he might be."
Relaxing Fili gave his uncle a short nod. It was at least a valid reason. He would have done the same.
"Well I'm awake now. Let me get dressed and we can…"
"No!" Getting to his feet Thorin pushed Fili back.
"No you aren't going anywhere Fili. No discussions!"
"But he's my brother!" Fili tried to push against his uncle's grip – ignoring the growing pain in his back.
"He's my baby brother Thorin! I can't leave him! Not again!"
Thorin gently eased him back, "What are you talking about?"
Tears dripped down Fili's face. He hadn't cried since this whole thing started. But it wasn't right that he was safe and Kili wasn't.
"We tried to escape. We reached a huge cliff and Kili pushed me off it first. The orcs got him before he could jump. He saved my life."
Fili found himself clinging to his uncle the whole time. Thorin gently hugged him.
"You can't upset yourself Fili. Kili did what he did and we have to move on from it."
"You make it sound like he's dead!"
"No," Thorin gripped Fili's shoulders hard, "No Fili. But we have to move on and do what we can to find him. He saved your life, now you can save his in return."
Fili gave a small nod, "I don't know if I can though. I never saw which direction we were taken in. I could guess we were going south as we were on the borders of the Greenwood when I escaped."
Thorin nodded, "Okay Fili. We'll send out a party tomorrow morning."
"No. No you have to go now!" Fili pushed away Thorin's calming touch, "How can you even think about waiting?"
"Fili it's the middle of the night…"
"You should be running to find him! To make up for what you did!"
"FILI!"
At his mother's voice Fili could feel his anger start to fade away. Dis pursed her lips before walking towards the bed.
"Fili this is not your uncle's fault."
"Yes it is!" Fili knew he should stop before he said something he didn't mean. But he was too wound up to listen to his own brain. Jabbing a finger at Thorin he unleashed every last bit of anger.
"If you hadn't made Kili feel so useless and so unloved then we never would have gone out! Kili has feelings Thorin! For the love of Durin he's the most sensitive dwarf I know!"
"Fili…"
"Do you want to know something uncle? When we were prisoners Kili thought you'd only come for me. He honestly believed you only cared about me. And now that he's alone he probably thinks no one's going to save him!"
Dis placed a hand on Fili's shoulder but he shook it off. Throwing the blankets back he forced himself onto his unsteady legs and grabbed Thorins shirt collar. Even his uncle looked shocked. But Fili noticed the guilt in his eyes.
"When he went to push me," Fili forced his tears back, "He hugged me. And do you know what he said? He said "Tell Thorin I'm sorry I let him down. And I'm sorry I was such a rubbish brother." He believed it was all his fault because of what you said to him!"
"Fili stop it!" Dis tore him away from Thorin. Fili took deep breaths as he leant against the bed for support. He could feel the wounds on his back opening up but he ignored it. Dis gripped his arm tightly.
"Do you think this is helping Kili? Do you?"
Fili shook his head, "I just wish he could see what his words do to us? Kili visibly shows how upset he is when you belittle him. Me I just hide it and pretend nothing's wrong. But sometimes uncle you make us both feel like we're nothing to you! And if anything has happened to Kili. Anything at all, I'll hold you responsible!"
His legs shook and Dis tightened her grip, "Fili please! You have to calm down. I've already lost my husband to orcs. Now I face losing a son as well. Don't you dare make me lose you!"
Fili opened his mouth when the pain in his back exploded. Had it not been for his mother he would have fallen to the floor. Dis grabbed him and held him against her.
"Fili! Fili keep your eyes on me!"
As blood began to make its way down his back Fili could see Thorin looming over him. Shaking his head he wanted to tell him to go away. To go and find Kili. But all he could do was moan as blackness took him.
Thorin watched as Dis pulled the blankets over Fili's sleeping figure. Her fingers gently pushed stray hair from his face and as she kissed his cheek Thorin found himself wiping away tears. Everything Fili had said to him earlier had been the truth. He should never have said what he did to Kili. If he hadn't then this nightmare wouldn't exist. Dis silently wrapped Fili's old bloodstained bandages in her hands. Thorin reached out a hand to take them. He wasn't surprised when she flinched.
"Dis I…"
"He's right," Her voice cracked slightly, "It kills me to say it but he's right."
Thorin gave a small nod and his sister narrowed his eyes.
"I never understood why you were hard on them. Kili especially. They might be of age Thorin but their still young. They haven't seen the horrors you have until now!"
Thorin nodded again, "If I could take it all back then I would. Do you think I was proud of myself for saying those things to Kili. The second he left my office I regretted my words. But they're aren't dwarflings anymore Dis. We can't mollycoddle them."
"There are limits Thorin."
"I know!" Running a hand through his hair Thorin sat back down in his chair. He was aware of Dis pulling up her own chair beside his. Reaching over he took her hand.
"I promise you he'll be alright Dis. We'll bring him home safely."
As she nodded Thorin saw the tears roll down her face. He still remembered the look in her eyes when he had brought an unconscious Fili home. How she had given him a small smile – expecting to see Kili as well. How she had screamed when she realised her youngest son was still missing.
Thorin saw Dis shake her head, "How can you promise such a thing? You've seen the bodies Thorin. It's a miracle Fili wasn't more injured. How do we know Kili isn't dead?"
"Because it's Kili," Thorin took both of his sisters hand, "We'd know if anything happened. Fili would know it. I promise I will find him."
Dis nodded, "He's so young Thorin. And he's out there all alone!"
Unable to finish she buried her head in her hands. Unable to find the right words of comfort Thorin simply got up and stood beside her. His arms pulled her against him as he tried his best to console her. But he knew the only thing that would work is if he showed her Kili. Alive and safe.
When Fili woke up he wasn't surprised to his mother sitting by his bed. Her face couldn't be any paler and as he looked up Fili was glad not to see Thorin. He had half expected to punch his uncle earlier and admired his self - restraint. If his family thought his anger would have gone by now they were wrong. Easing himself up Fili groaned when Dis pushed him back down.
"Lie still Fili. You'll re-open your wounds if you don't."
Fili knew he should care. He couldn't imagine what his mother was going through right now. He didn't want to make things worse for her. But he couldn't let himself sit back when he knew Kili was out there somewhere at the mercy of those orcs.
"It's not fair."
"What isn't?"
Fili hadn't meant to speak so loudly. His mother took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"What isn't fair?"
"It's not fair that I'm here and Kili isn't." Drawing his knees to his chest Fili pulled his hand away from his mothers grip.
"I promised I would look after him! The moment I first held him I gave him my word I'd always be there for him!"
Dis gave him a sad smile and Fili bit his lip.
"They'll hurt him mother! They'll beat him and hurt him until he's not my little brother anymore! I should be there with him! It should be me who's their prisoner. Not him!"
Dis shook the aguish away from her eyes and retook Fili's hands.
"Listen to me Fili. Shouting isn't going to help Kili. The second the sun rises Thorin and a party are going off to find him. What you need to do is rest and allow yourself to heal. You need to be strong for when Kili comes back."
Fili hadn't the heart to replace the word "when" with "if". He gave a small nod.
"Can you go please? I want to be alone."
He knew his mother wanted to stay. But she simply kissed him on the forehead before rising and leaving the room. Fili forced himself over onto his side.
He would get better. And the second he did he'd go out there and find his brother.
So sorry for no Kili but I think we all needed some Fili time. Even if it's mainly "poor Fili!" time. And yeah Thorin you'd better be feeling guilty over what's happened! As ever let me know what you think xxx
