Takan's Secret Herbs

Disclaimer: The Black Magicians trilogy belongs to Trudi Caravan

He was, for those who cared to remember, a brave man. He had titles, lived with honor, even if it was with a certain disregard for the rules, and was, all in all, better than most could hope to be. He was the cold, intimidating High Lord.

And all that was gone. All that was left now, was Akkarin, and he knew what he had to do now.

"Hello Sonea." he said, with a valiant attempt at low strungness, if that's even a word or expression or something.

"Greeting High Lord." she said. "You managed to defeat the Inchani I see."

"How did you" he began.

"Takan told me." she said, with he eyes closed. "He told me everything. Your life story, his life story, the story of his pet cat he apparently gave birth too, and of course, why you use black magic."

"Um yeah." said Akkarin. "So, wanna see my memories of the cat thing? It's damn funny."

"How could you lie like that!" she asked angrily. "All this time you acted like you were evil! Why couldn't you just tell me the truth?"

"Because um, Gerrel's face?" suggested Akkarin.

"That won't work on me." she warned.

"Because I lo-when I first saw you, I though, I'd hit." said Akkarin.

Her face widened in shock. WTF? Okay, that was bad writing.

"What?" asked Sonea, in her afore mentioned face of shock.

"I have intense feelings for you." He sought around for a way to make this less embarrassing. "And fish. I love fish."

"You love fish?" asked Sonea.

"But I love you more!" said Akkarin hurriedly. "In fact, you're much nicer than fish. Less finny."

"So, your love life is a choice between me and fish?" asked Sonea. "I feel so flattered."

"I better untie my hair." said Akkarin. "Now, prepare to be woowed."

"You don't do this a lot right?" asked Sonea dispassionately.

"I already have over 108 marriage requests." said Akkarin.

"Yeah but you still don't got the onions like Takan." said Takan. "Hey you two."

"Takan, we are making sexy talk, go away!" said Akkarin tetchily.

Sonea appeared to be considering something. "Won't the guild complain if you um, court me?"

"Well, if they do, I'll piss on them." said Akkarin.

"Now, Now master." said Takan." You don't need more marriage requests."

"All in all, you can try." said Sonea, and walked off, blushing slightly.

"Well master, I'd say you have a long, pleasurable, steamy trek ahead of you" said Takan.

"You made brownies again?" asked Akkarin.

"Yep." said Takan, handing him two. "Gerrel is extremely angry about everything that happened though."

"Yes, I heard he through an entire class out just so that he could vent his anger in the arena." said Akkarin nodding.

Both of the men, now standing almost directly outside the arena, could hear Gerrel's shouts as he hurled more and more powerful blasts.

"Do you think he know you drained most of the arena's magic for your little trick?" asked Takan.

There was a shout as the entire arena seemed to shatter and collapse. On top of Gerrel.

"Maybe." said Akkarin, considering it.

Due to how shorth the chapter would otherwise be, and for other bad reason, three omake's!

OMAKE 171: The Duck Vs. Akkarin's toes.

"Are you sure we can find fresh ducks here?" asked Akkarin.

"Of course master." said Takan.

"But...it's a sewer." said Akkarin.

"Even ducks have to use the bathroom sometime master." said Takan, nodding sagly.

"But the other thing, why are we covered in wool?" asked Akkarin.

"Camouflage master." said Takan. "Ducks can't see some colors, and since white is all colors, they can see none of it."

"What about the colors they can see?" asked Akkarin.

"Hey master look!" It's a duck!" said Takan.

"Takan...that's a orange." said Akkarin.

"Wait, you mean we're not looking for doranges master?" asked Takan.

"Huh?" said Akkarin.

"Ducks and Oranges! Remember master! We're hunting them!" said Takan.

"What is an orange doing in the sewer?" asked Akkarin.

"It must be their natural spawning ground." mused Takan.

"You think he has a family?" asked Akkarin.

"Good point. We should stick to hunting ducks."

"Okay." said one of the thieves. "We release the ducks, and hope they go away."

"I think you dropped your orange." said the other thief.

"We'll surly avoid scurvy if eat it!" said the thief, and released the duck.

"Hey Takan, while we wait, do you wanna play some shoe tag?" asked Akkarin, taking his shoes off.

"Master, a duck!" yelled Takan. "And all of you toes are unprotected!"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

That Omake was my tribute to my favourite game series. Damn it was awesome. This next one, is kinda freaky.

Tarrin/Akatan

"Takan, what happens if we die?" asked Akkarin.

"I'll ask the next person who dies master." said Takan.

"See, I'm worried cause heaven doesn't want me, and hell's afraid I'll mess up the feng shuey." said Akkarin.

"Hell is shoey?" asked Takan.

"Wack!" said Akkarin. "I thought it was like, flamey.

"Maybe the shoes are ugly." said Takan.

"Or maybe it a conspiracy..." said Akkarin.

"Yeah, all pretty shoes are from hell. That's why they hurt so much." said Takan.

"Your shoes, they make me wanna POUT!" said Akkarin.

"Ohhhh, too much information master!" said Takan.

"Come on, don't you want me to make it a little hot in here?" asked Akkarin.

"Yes master." said Takan. "It's impossible to make the porridge otherwhise.

"So Takan, do you live in fear of my pretty boy pose?" asked Akkarin.

"No master, I bathe daily now." said Takan.

"It really was that bad?" asked Akkarin, deflating.

"Kinda. You're in the middle of a wasteland, finally free of a live of slavery, and bang! Pretty boy pose." said Takan.

"I kind of like your...man thing." said Akkarin, blushing.

"Look, I only brought the fly swatter for the kitchen! You're not going to use it to comb your hair!"

That's the conversation where the entire idea for the story came from. I was bored, wrote that, then wrote a story around the theme and style.

Usally my fics end with karaoke, but for reasons I can't explain, this one will end with cheers!

Yeah, an Omake!

"Okay." said Lorlen. "Explain to me again why we are going to be cheerleaders?"

" To give Akkarin the hidden strength he needs to win!" said Gerrel, with a gerrel grin.

"Okay. Then lets get this over with." grumbled Rothen. The magicians were still dressed in robes. Instead of pom poms they had those damn sticks I keep seeing on the covers.

"Here we go!" yelled Gerrel.

C-A-ND-LE

That's why you're so candley

You're a candle.

Yeah, my trousers.

F-A-C--E

That is what's wrong with me

My face

Yeah, my face.

Don't be an kleptomaniac!

Don't be an insomniac!

Those words don't rhyme good!

A-KK-9-7-1I Paradox!

He's our guy! You messed with him

And you're gonna die!

M-I-S-S-E and D

That's why it's you I see

Your brother wanted to

Fuck your mom in the ass

And he missed, yeah

He missed.

P-I-S-S-E and D

That's why your uncle

Is your daddy

And he's pissed.

Yeah, he's pissed.

It was at that moment which Akkarin chose to unleash his magic, and create a shield to protect himself and Takan. Of course they ran, and eventually the blast threw them into the cheerleader magicians. And there was much rejoicing.

"Hey! We're not dead!" Said Takan.

"And I didn't even have to use my soup spoon!" said Akkarin.

The two men, after quite possibly doing the most incredible things in history of ever, stood and thought.

"F-U-C-K-E and D." sang Akkarin softly.

"Mess with us and that's how your future'll be." said Takan.

"You're fucked! Yeah, your fucked!" said Akkarin.

"So bring it on!" yelled Takan. "All ye ducks!"

The end. Yeah, it kind of went insane in the end, and not in a good way. So anyway, I'm considering a sequel, called Slum Cleaning, where Akkarin and Takan have to help the new Slum dweller students in the guild.