I want to apologize for the delay in updating. I hope you like this one.

Disclaimer: I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

XXX

I know it is early when I wake the following morning because no sunlight peeks through the shades. I stretch in my bed and turn to catch the time. It is barely six o'clock.

I sit up in my bed, leaning back against the headboard and the previous night comes back to me.

How did I get in my bed? Did Jay put me in here?

I glance to the other side of my bed to find it undisturbed. Of course he wouldn't have slept in the bed with me.

But where is he? Did he leave?

I swing my legs over the side of my bed and stand. The hardwood floor chills my bare feet as I walk across it in cotton pajama shorts and a camisole. I walk through the open door and down the hall to my girl's room. I peek in and I smile when I see her snuggled under her covers still asleep. I close the door to her room quietly as to not wake her then turn back down the hallway. I hear faint voices as I get closer to the living room, and once I finally reach it I see Jay sitting on the couch in front of the television.

I smile. He stayed. He kept his promise.

I walk towards him with a lingering smile and arms crossed.

"Can I sit?" I whisper to him, not wanting to wake Jessie this early.

He looks up at me and nods, and I sit down at the other end of the couch. My legs cross like a pretzel and my hands rest in my lap. We both keep our eyes on the television; an old episode of How I Met Your Mother is playing.

I see him move out of the corner of my eye and turn to him. He has moved to sit closer to me, the blanket over his lap now covering the both of us.

"Goosebumps," he mumbles.

I look down at my arms. I hadn't even realized I was cold. I smile at him.

It's quiet again until I speak. "I thought you left."

He shakes his head.

"I'm guessing you're the reason I woke up in my own bed then. Thank you."

He offers a smile, "You're welcome."

It is silent then. Somewhat comfortable, but still stifling as his eyes go back to the television and mine stay on him. He looks tired, his eyes seem heavy, and the expression he carries on his face reminds me of the day I broke him and I want to fix it.

"Are we ever going to talk about it?"

He pulls his eyes from the television in front of us and sets them on me. He lets out a sigh, "Is there really anything left to talk about?"

"I think so," I tell him.

He sighs again. As if he doesn't want to have the conversation at all. As if he already knows how it is going to end. With me repeating the words I spoke to him months ago. Words I didn't mean, but words I still said. I wish with everything in me that I could take them back.

He hesitates just a second before he nods at me. His wordless response tells me to speak my mind.

I know this conversation can go a multiple of ways, but it still needs to be had.

I take a deep breath, let it out, and look him in the eyes, "I know I have already said it, but I need to tell you again how sorry I am. For everything."

I reach for his hand, hoping he doesn't pull away and I want to smile when he doesn't, but I don't. Instead, I continue.

"I know I hurt you and I wish I could take it all back because I was stupid. What I did and said. What I didn't do or say. You are her father, Jay. It doesn't matter that it isn't by blood because you are her daddy in all the ways that matter most. And I ruined it and almost took that from the both of you and I am so sorry."

He has tears in his eyes. In the more than seven years I have known him I have only ever see him cry a handful of times. When I told him I was pregnant with a baby that was not his. When Jessie was born. When she said dada for the first time. When he got down on one knee in front of me and I told him no.

I feel like a monster.

He wipes at his eyes with the back of his hands, sniffs a couple of times before he says to me, "Yeah, you almost did."

My stomach drops, but then he follows with, "But you didn't. I'm still here, Erin. I'm still here for her."

He squeezes my hand just a tiny bit and it makes my heart flutter.

But I have to ask because I'm curious and a bit of a masochist, "Just her?"

A long sigh escapes him. And I think he's about to answer, but when he speaks he ignores my question completely and instead surprises me, yet again.

"You know something; I didn't even want kids before I met you. You know how my dad was barely around – always working. Never paid any real attention to me or my mom. I never really saw him as a nice guy and I didn't want to be like him. I finished high school, joined the army, and became a ranger. I saw some of the most horrifying things a person should never have to witness. When I finished my second tour in Kabul and finally got out, I started at the academy and that was when I decided I didn't want to ever have children. I didn't want them to ever grow up and experience what I did as a kid. I didn't want them to have to possibly see the things I've seen. Then I got hurt during that undercover gig, started up in Intelligence and I fell for you. Another thing I swore I would never do – have any sort of relations with a colleague. But I saw you that first day when Dawson brought me up. You shook my hand and smiled at me. I saw those dimples and the only thing I remember thinking is how beautiful our kids would be one day."

I notice the smile he tries to force, but he still has tears in his eyes while the ones in mine have long since fallen from hearing his words.

"Why didn't you ever tell me that before?" I wonder.

Jay shrugs it off as if it is not a big deal, but it absolutely is to me.

He tells me, "I didn't see the point."

I shake my head in disbelief. The sadness I feel is indescribable and I want to pull him to me. Instead I squeeze his hand and just above a whisper I say to him, "Our kids will be beautiful."

It is then that he shakes his own head. He pulls his hand from mine so quick and all I feel is cold.

"Don't do that," he tells me. His voice is sharp, but broken all the same.

"Do what?" I question. I can feel the bewilderment on my face.

"Don't say things like that to me, Erin."

His voice raises high, obviously upset with me.

"Jay-"

"No. Just – don't say things like that to me, okay?"

I nod and mumble, "Okay."

I hear him breathe deep again. He's at the far end of the couch now, feet resting on the floor. He sits with his elbows on his knees and runs his hands over his face tiredly.

I'm curious about before and even though I shouldn't press him I do so anyway. "But what about us, Jay?"

I look at him and see the wrinkle of his brows and the tense lock of his jaw.

"What about us?" he asks me.

"Are you really only here for Jessie?"

"I don't have a choice do i?" I can hear it in his voice how it seems more of a statement than a question, but I press on.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, that there isn't really an us. Not anymore. Honestly, was there ever? We were so on and off, as if only when it was convenient for you, and we were raising Jessie. We had some nights of drunken debauchery and not so drunk nights that were absolutely wonderful, and then a denied marriage proposal given by one complete and utter fool."

"You're not a fool, Jay," I try to assure him, but he just shakes his head at me.

"Aren't I though?"

He is looking directly at me, almost seemingly straight through me.

It stays quiet for another moment before he stands from the couch. He walks back and forth in front of it, then raises an arm and rubs the back of his neck. He sighs again before he turns to face me, "Why'd you say no? I need to know the reason, Erin."

I think I stop breathing for a second. I should have known that question was coming. I try to think of an acceptable answer, but all I can do is think back to that night three months ago when he asked me such a simple question and I broke him with my answer.

XXX

Flashback – 3 months earlier, Erin's apartment, Erin P.O.V.

It is a cool Friday night in Chicago. It is nearing the end of September with crisp air and changing leaves.

It is just a little after six, I can smell dinner cooking, and Jessie is at Hank's for the night. He was kind enough to offer to watch my girl so Jay and I could have a night to ourselves. Especially with the week we have had at work. We had a huge bust in the middle of the day on Wednesday and have been dealing with paperwork ever since. To be able to have a solid break from both work and parenthood is so very needed and appreciated.

I've just changed into some sweats and a camisole before pulling Jay's black hoodie over my head. He should know by now that he will most likely never be getting this thing back again.

I make my way out of the bedroom and down the hall in bare feet. Once I reach the kitchen I see Halstead over the stove stirring something over in a pan.

I inhale the smell of food as I walk over to him, "Damn. Something smells delicious."

I see a smile on his lips before he looks up at me, "I've got veggies frying up, baked chicken Marsala in the oven, and some salad on the table already."

I moan at the thought of real food, "One of my favorites, too."

"I know," he turns for the fridge then and seconds later turns back again to hand me an open beer, "And this of course."

"I've trained you well, house husband."

His smile widens and I tip my beer at him in salute before taking a long swig from the bottle.

"Go sit your butt down woman. Dinner's almost done," he tells me.

"Bossy," I pout, but take my beer to sit at the table in the small dining room of my apartment.

I hear his laugh from the kitchen, and then he calls to me, "No, that would be you. Miss still-won't-let-me-drive."

"Not my fault you suck at it," I call back before taking another sip of my beer.

He comes out of the kitchen carrying a bowl of something and when he sets it down on the table I see it's the veggies he was talking about. He disappears into the kitchen again and comes back a moment later carrying a tray of the Marsala. It smells heavenly and looks wonderful and I am pretty sure I am drooling.

We make small talk while we eat; the only thing I can focus on is the delicious meal in front of me. We've been eating take-out all week and being able to eat real food right now is such a luxury at this point.

Despite the fact that we're eating dinner, Jay has been relatively quiet for most of the evening. At least since he got back from dropping Jess off at Hank's after work.

I swallow what's left of the food in my mouth, take a swig of beer and then look at him.

"Halstead?"

"Hmm?" he looks up at me from his nearly empty plate.

"You alright?"

He nods, "Why wouldn't I be?"

I shrug my shoulders, "You've been quiet. That's weird for you."

He offers me a small smile before reaching for my hand. I give it to him and watch him bring it to his lips to kiss.

"I just have a lot on my mind," he tells me.

I kink an eyebrow at him, "Like what?"

I see him take a breath and then he squeezes my hand he still holds, "Like the surprise I have for you. I'm just worried you might not like it."

"I don't like surprises, Jay," I remind him, but I know he already knows that.

"That's why I'm kind of nervous."

I smile at his boyish grin. "Well, when do I get this surprise?"

"As soon as you can sit on the couch," he tells me.

I take one last swig from the beer in front of me and then stand. I turn from the table and make my way to the living room with him on my heels.

I sit on the couch and he does the same. He looks at me with bright blue eyes and grins once more at me.

"Close your eyes," he says, "Please."

I oblige and close them, now nervous myself. I keep my eyes shut tight as I feel the movement of him standing from the couch. I don't know where he's gone, but I hear the sound of a drawer opening and then closing a moment later. My eyes stay closed and then I sense him in front of me.

He reaches for my hand and kisses it softly again before releasing it. I smile at his touch and wait for his next move.

Only a second passes before I hear him, "Open your eyes."

I do and my mouth falls open in shock. My eyes lock with Jay's and he only smiles. He is on one knee in front of me with a little black box sitting open in the palm of his hand. A ring sits perched upon black velvet with a Tiffany & Co. logo showing from the back of the box. It is flawless. A Novo half carat. White diamond. Cushion cut. All fire and spirit and style. It is dazzling.

"Jay?" His name is a whisper from my lips, but it's all I can say.

He smiles at me, and then plucks the ring from its box. He reaches for my hand, grasps it in his and slides the ring onto my left ring finger before he meets my tear filled eyes with his own.

"I know the past five years haven't been ideal," he begins and I stare at him, "I know what you've been through, but you haven't had to face it alone and I don't want you to. I want to be with you in every way. So, I'm asking for forever. I want to always be Jessie's daddy. I want our family. I want us. I love you and I love her more than I ever thought possible. Will you please marry me, Erin Lindsay?"

I am speechless. I would never have been expecting this to be my surprise. Ever. It makes sense though, now that I think about it. How quiet he's been. How nervous he was earlier. I probably could have pieced all of it together had I actually taken the time to think things through, but I hadn't. Now, here I am in front of this man who is in front of me on one knee asking me to spend the rest of our lives together.

Why haven't I said yes?

"Erin?"

I hear his voice, but I just need a minute. Just a minute to think.

Why do I have to think?

This should be simple. Say yes. Kiss. Probably have the best celebratory sex of my life. Marry the guy I love. Have more babies. Be happy.

Why the hell haven't I said yes, yet?

His eyes stay on mine as I look between him and the ring he has slid onto my finger. It is absolutely beautiful and so is he and I feel the tears prick my eyes, but I just can't speak.

Can I really do this? Can I be someone's wife?

"Erin?"

I finally find my voice, but not much comes out. Just a couple stuttered incoherencies and I swallow a lump that forms at the very back of my throat.

"Just say yes, you goof," I hear him tell me. He stays knelt in front of me with an expectant and patient smile on his face.

I make my decision then. A decision I know I can't be selfish about for the sake of my own happiness. I have to think of Jessie and how this will affect her. Especially when it doesn't work out. I swallow another large lump in my throat. Everything is about to change.

I pull my hand out of his grasp and use the fingers of my other to twist the ring from my finger. I only notice then how perfect it fits, but I continue my motions and I hand it back to Jay. It's then that I look him in the eyes. The sparkling blue is gone, replaced by ocean grey, and I swear I see tears through my own. His smile has disappeared. I feel horrible for what I've already done to him.

"I can't do this, Jay," I tell him quietly.

His brows furrow, perplexed, and his forehead wrinkles in following.

"What?" He asks me, as if he thinks he has heard me incorrectly.

"I can't marry you. Jessie isn't your responsibility. She's not your daughter, Jay. As much as we both want her to be she just isn't. It's not your responsibility to take care of us. It never has been and I'm sorry I've let it come this far. I can't ask you to do this for us."

He hesitates, already aware of what I'm doing; I can see it in his eyes.

"Erin, you're not asking. I am," he tells me as he tries to reach for my hand to place the ring back on my finger.

But I pull away from him before he can and shake my head at him.

"I can't accept that from you. I can't marry you. I just can't," I tell him again, not able to look him in the eye. I look at my hands, my feet, and the floor. Anywhere except his eyes.

"Erin," he calls out to me. He sets the ring and its box on the floor, then takes both his hands and grabs hold of my face. His palms hold my cheeks on either side and he forces me to look at him with a gentle touch.

When I do, he smiles before leaning in to kiss me. His lips are soft and they move against mine in their usual perfected synch. I lift my arms to wrap around his shoulders, my fingers find the nape of his neck and I kiss him back because I'm sure it will be the last.

When we pull away from each other he rests his forehead against mine. He looks me in the eyes, places another quick kiss to my lips.

"Marry me," he says.

I take a deep a breath and shake my head. He can do so much better than me.

"No."

End flashback

XXX

"Erin?"

I hear Jay call out to me as I come back to him in the present.

I can only look at him with sad eyes because I realize that the only real answer I have for him is that I am an idiot who was and still is scared shitless.

He only repeats his request, "I need to know the reason, Erin."

I shake my head then, "I don't really have one."

It's the truth, a stupid truth, but the truth none the less and it is all I can really give him.

"Why did you say no to me?" He asks again with an almost childlike voice, "Was I not good enough for you? Did the last five years we spent raising Jess together mean nothing to you? Because you had me under the impression that everything was fine. That you were happy. That you were happy with me. That we were a family. I mean, God, were you playing me this whole damn time?"

More tears fall from my eyes. He has it so wrong and he is so broken. How do I fix this? I whisper his name and he snaps.

"Stop saying my God damn name and tell me why you said no!"

And I snap back standing to face him.

"I don't know! I was stupid and scared and you were helping me raise a kid that wasn't yours. I thought you could do better than that. I didn't know what to say to you."

"Better than you?" he shakes his head, "You could have said yes, Erin. All you had to do was say yes to me."

"I should have," I tell him, throwing my hands in the air, "I should have pulled you up from that floor and kissed you, but instead I freaked myself out and got insecure again like I always do. Like I still am."

He looks at me with still sad eyes, as though he doesn't know what to say next.

Makes two of us.

I step towards him, reach for his hand and give it a squeeze. He doesn't pull away, but he does squeeze back. When I look at him I get that warm home-like feeling flood through my veins and can't help to smile.

I tug his hand toward me further and hold it in both my hands, tight so he can't run away like I did.

I swallow another lump and look up at him through still tear filled eyes. He looks back with the same in his.

"I should have said yes," I speak quietly, almost too quiet that I think he doesn't hear me, but when I see his eyes flutter closed for just a second and I know he did. His tears fall from his eyes; just a small few and I drop his hand from my grasp to reach up to his face. I wipe away his tears from under his eyes with the pads of my thumbs. He trembles under my touch when I do this and more so when I move my hands downward to hold his face.

He looks down at me from his almost six foot height, releasing a held in breath.

My eyes don't leave his as I keep his face in my hands while running a thumb over his cheek several times. I lean up and into him, on tip toes now and I feel his arms go around my waist holding me close.

"I should have said yes," I tell him again, quieter than the last time as our faces pull together like magnets.

I feel his breath hit my lips, just barely half an inch between us.

"Jay," a whisper, then my lips meet his. I feel his hands on my waistline, his lips on mine, burning me with every touch and yet I still want more. I push back and open my mouth to him, and his tongue meets mine within seconds.

Minutes go by like hours like days and I decide then and there that I could spend the rest of my life kissing this man and it would make me the happiest woman alive.

It doesn't cross my mind how long we've been standing in the middle of my living room, lips on lips, wrapped up in one another, until a bedroom door creaks open and I hear the scamper of little feet on the hardwood.

I feel Jay pull away from me just as Jessie enters the living room. Sleep fills her eyes, but a smile covers her face and it only widens when she sees Jay.

"Daddy! You stayed!"

She runs towards us, towards him and he scoops her up with strong arms. I raise a hand to my face, my lips sting with the taste of Jay and I bite my bottom lip to suppress a moan. My kid has horrible timing.

"I told you I would, didn't I?" he reminds her.

She nods excitedly and hugs him tight, then turns to me.

"Morning mommy!"

I can't help, but smile at her, "Morning baby."

I step forward to kiss her forehead and she lets out a giggle.

"What do you say you go get dressed and daddy will start on some breakfast, huh little J?" I hear Jay ask her.

"Okay," she runs off to her room as soon as Jay sets her back on the floor. A smile stuck on her face.

It's just the two of us again. No words. No touch. No nothing.

Oh, awkward silences.

I peek up at him through clouded eyes and see him looking at me with a smirk on his face.

"What?" I ask him.

"You kissed me," he tells me this as if I don't already know.

I roll my eyes at him, "You kissed me back."

"Yeah, I did," he says, taking a step towards me. My heart races in anticipation. In possibility.

He's standing over me again, smirk still on his face.

"I want to kiss you again," I admit.

He smiles then, "Well, right now I've got to go get breakfast started for our kid. But maybe later we can talk about that first one."

I can only smile and nod at his words because it is another step in the right direction. It is a step towards him.