TITLE: Square Dance: Chapter 8
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller
PAIRING: CJ/Simon
RATING: PG-ish
SUMMARY: "I need you more than I like to admit, and so before you can push
me away, I have to push you first."
SPOILERS: None
***
Simon arrived unannounced, knocking on the door softly, knowing that she'd let him in without a word. Her face registered a moment of surprise before it resumed its forced nonchalance; dressed in only her short cotton nightie, the one that he'd picked out for her at Victoria's Secret, Simon thought CJ looked younger and slightly more nervous than a woman of her stature should. He followed CJ to the sofa, watching her barely covered body with not so much a lust but with a longing. Simon didn't know what he'd do if she wanted to end things; he hadn't thought that far in advance. But it crossed his mind as he sat down and turned towards her in a half-pleading, half- commanding manner. He wouldn't let her walk away, not without a fight.
Before he could speak, CJ beat him to the punch as she tucked her hair behind her ears. Not really looking at Simon, rather gazing lazily past him with a cocked head, CJ cleared her throat. "I was pretty stupid," she shrugged, her voice slightly hoarse.
"So was I," Simon quickly agreed, not sure if CJ wanted to get specific, or let things slip easily by without the stilted verbiage.
Looking squarely into his eyes then, CJ's mouth retained a straight line. Her bare shoulders drooped as she sighed, and when she straightened her back again, Simon straightened his. "I think I get scared too easily. That's all," CJ said casually, and as she proceeded to pull her knees into her body, Simon wondered if her words had meaning, or if there were just that-merely words.
"What are you afraid of?" he tried, running his hand through his hair, hoping she'd do her best to let loose with him.
Another heavy sigh. CJ turned her body forward then, facing the television instead of Simon. He wouldn't touch her when she was curled up like that; CJ had done it purposely-she couldn't handle having him near her until they untangled their mess. "I'm afraid of you hurting me," CJ said, her eyes locked to a spot on the wall, staring painfully away from Simon. She pursed her lips, gathering her thoughts, waiting too, for his.
"I'm not," Simon leaned forward a bit, forward though she wouldn't look at him. "I mean, I don't want to-I didn't think I had.."
CJ leaned her head back onto the sofa, the line of her neck long and graceful. Simon watched her with an old fascination, and as she moved again, he waited without prodding. She would talk to him on her own time. Instead, CJ opened a small box on the coffee table, and with a cigarette in her hand, she finally turned her eyes towards Simon.
"You don't mind?" she asked, her tone blasé as she lit the slim white cigarette. Simon watched her take a long drag, realizing slowly that she must have worked her stress up to awful heights. Eventually as the smoke mingled with the clean air in the apartment, CJ turned her entire body back to Simon.
"I do this to myself," CJ confided, cocking her head as she let the cigarette burn between her fingers, "I need you more than I like to admit, and so before you can push me away, I have to push you first."
Linking his fingers together and crinkling his brow, Simon leaned his elbows on his knees. "Why do you feel like I'm going to push you away?"
"Because!" CJ's voice rose unexpectedly, falling with her next breath, "because someone always does. I can't expect anything else."
She flicked the cigarette into an immaculate gold and white ashtray, watching Simon from the corner of her eye. "So I shouldn't take this personally?" Simon asked, working to keep an attitude out of his tone. He found it perturbing and sad that CJ hadn't experienced an honest man-and he was angry that her past was hurting the present.
CJ wetted her lips and looked away. The sun was setting, streaming softly through the blinds, making patterns on the floor. She didn't know how to fix this, but he was here in her apartment and there was no option but to try. The sun moved behind a cloud, drowning the light on the floor in darkness. "I'm sorry," she said, still without the courage needed to meet his eyes.
Simon inched forward, daring to put a hand on her wrist. She didn't flinch or pull away, instead she simply snapped her neck towards him. "I need you to trust me," Simon pleaded, eyes wide as CJ studied his expression.
Simon's face read confusion, he was questioning, almost afraid that CJ would say there was no trust. But it wasn't true, Simon thought with surety, she COULD trust him. There was no other woman, there were no thoughts of Kelly. Simon didn't want to be anywhere else but here. Ah, he watched as CJ took another drag from the dwindling cigarette, if only she could hear him.
"You didn't do anything wrong," CJ murmured, slowly revolving her head towards Simon again, moving her hand so it was joined with his. She stubbed the cigarette out with her free hand, exhaling before saying, "I really am sorry about all this."
Her eyes were genuine and so Simon brought her hand to his lips. "Don't worry anymore."
Sitting up, Simon tentatively slipped an arm around CJ's, pulling her into his body lest she protest. "I'm sorry," CJ whispered again, leaning into his embrace almost readily, catching Simon by surprise. Tightening his arm around her waist, Simon sighed with a mixture of contentedness and worry. He didn't like the way they'd argued and he didn't like the way it had just been worked out. CJ was cryptic, mysterious, and unsteady when it came to their relationship. Sometimes, Simon realized as CJ slid down and buried her head in his lap, he hung onto this woman by barely a thread.
***
The morning came all too soon, and as Simon cracked his eyes open he remembered the night before. CJ was now curled up into his body, her lips still on his neck, her hands on his chest. They'd made love last night, slowly and quietly, drawing out the pleasure for hours. There was nothing like watching CJ's face, responsive as her body found its peak over and over again. And she was beautiful, Simon realized with a sinking in his stomach, sinking for there was something missing between them. She'd been too quiet, too inside of her head all night long. CJ was still upset, her nerves clearly still in a tangle.
He hoped she wouldn't hide her troubles from him, but as Simon traced CJ's shoulder blades with his fingers, he instinctively knew that she always would. As her eyes opened slowly, Simon realized how much he loved her, despite her elusive emotions. There was too much, he sighed despite the smile he offered her, sometimes she was too much to handle.
CJ smiled back, shyly and tentatively in the early hour, seemingly happy as she kissed Simon's nearby mouth. If she could cover her fears with that smile, Simon decided as he returned the kiss, they might just be able to make it work. *
SPOILERS: None
***
Simon arrived unannounced, knocking on the door softly, knowing that she'd let him in without a word. Her face registered a moment of surprise before it resumed its forced nonchalance; dressed in only her short cotton nightie, the one that he'd picked out for her at Victoria's Secret, Simon thought CJ looked younger and slightly more nervous than a woman of her stature should. He followed CJ to the sofa, watching her barely covered body with not so much a lust but with a longing. Simon didn't know what he'd do if she wanted to end things; he hadn't thought that far in advance. But it crossed his mind as he sat down and turned towards her in a half-pleading, half- commanding manner. He wouldn't let her walk away, not without a fight.
Before he could speak, CJ beat him to the punch as she tucked her hair behind her ears. Not really looking at Simon, rather gazing lazily past him with a cocked head, CJ cleared her throat. "I was pretty stupid," she shrugged, her voice slightly hoarse.
"So was I," Simon quickly agreed, not sure if CJ wanted to get specific, or let things slip easily by without the stilted verbiage.
Looking squarely into his eyes then, CJ's mouth retained a straight line. Her bare shoulders drooped as she sighed, and when she straightened her back again, Simon straightened his. "I think I get scared too easily. That's all," CJ said casually, and as she proceeded to pull her knees into her body, Simon wondered if her words had meaning, or if there were just that-merely words.
"What are you afraid of?" he tried, running his hand through his hair, hoping she'd do her best to let loose with him.
Another heavy sigh. CJ turned her body forward then, facing the television instead of Simon. He wouldn't touch her when she was curled up like that; CJ had done it purposely-she couldn't handle having him near her until they untangled their mess. "I'm afraid of you hurting me," CJ said, her eyes locked to a spot on the wall, staring painfully away from Simon. She pursed her lips, gathering her thoughts, waiting too, for his.
"I'm not," Simon leaned forward a bit, forward though she wouldn't look at him. "I mean, I don't want to-I didn't think I had.."
CJ leaned her head back onto the sofa, the line of her neck long and graceful. Simon watched her with an old fascination, and as she moved again, he waited without prodding. She would talk to him on her own time. Instead, CJ opened a small box on the coffee table, and with a cigarette in her hand, she finally turned her eyes towards Simon.
"You don't mind?" she asked, her tone blasé as she lit the slim white cigarette. Simon watched her take a long drag, realizing slowly that she must have worked her stress up to awful heights. Eventually as the smoke mingled with the clean air in the apartment, CJ turned her entire body back to Simon.
"I do this to myself," CJ confided, cocking her head as she let the cigarette burn between her fingers, "I need you more than I like to admit, and so before you can push me away, I have to push you first."
Linking his fingers together and crinkling his brow, Simon leaned his elbows on his knees. "Why do you feel like I'm going to push you away?"
"Because!" CJ's voice rose unexpectedly, falling with her next breath, "because someone always does. I can't expect anything else."
She flicked the cigarette into an immaculate gold and white ashtray, watching Simon from the corner of her eye. "So I shouldn't take this personally?" Simon asked, working to keep an attitude out of his tone. He found it perturbing and sad that CJ hadn't experienced an honest man-and he was angry that her past was hurting the present.
CJ wetted her lips and looked away. The sun was setting, streaming softly through the blinds, making patterns on the floor. She didn't know how to fix this, but he was here in her apartment and there was no option but to try. The sun moved behind a cloud, drowning the light on the floor in darkness. "I'm sorry," she said, still without the courage needed to meet his eyes.
Simon inched forward, daring to put a hand on her wrist. She didn't flinch or pull away, instead she simply snapped her neck towards him. "I need you to trust me," Simon pleaded, eyes wide as CJ studied his expression.
Simon's face read confusion, he was questioning, almost afraid that CJ would say there was no trust. But it wasn't true, Simon thought with surety, she COULD trust him. There was no other woman, there were no thoughts of Kelly. Simon didn't want to be anywhere else but here. Ah, he watched as CJ took another drag from the dwindling cigarette, if only she could hear him.
"You didn't do anything wrong," CJ murmured, slowly revolving her head towards Simon again, moving her hand so it was joined with his. She stubbed the cigarette out with her free hand, exhaling before saying, "I really am sorry about all this."
Her eyes were genuine and so Simon brought her hand to his lips. "Don't worry anymore."
Sitting up, Simon tentatively slipped an arm around CJ's, pulling her into his body lest she protest. "I'm sorry," CJ whispered again, leaning into his embrace almost readily, catching Simon by surprise. Tightening his arm around her waist, Simon sighed with a mixture of contentedness and worry. He didn't like the way they'd argued and he didn't like the way it had just been worked out. CJ was cryptic, mysterious, and unsteady when it came to their relationship. Sometimes, Simon realized as CJ slid down and buried her head in his lap, he hung onto this woman by barely a thread.
***
The morning came all too soon, and as Simon cracked his eyes open he remembered the night before. CJ was now curled up into his body, her lips still on his neck, her hands on his chest. They'd made love last night, slowly and quietly, drawing out the pleasure for hours. There was nothing like watching CJ's face, responsive as her body found its peak over and over again. And she was beautiful, Simon realized with a sinking in his stomach, sinking for there was something missing between them. She'd been too quiet, too inside of her head all night long. CJ was still upset, her nerves clearly still in a tangle.
He hoped she wouldn't hide her troubles from him, but as Simon traced CJ's shoulder blades with his fingers, he instinctively knew that she always would. As her eyes opened slowly, Simon realized how much he loved her, despite her elusive emotions. There was too much, he sighed despite the smile he offered her, sometimes she was too much to handle.
CJ smiled back, shyly and tentatively in the early hour, seemingly happy as she kissed Simon's nearby mouth. If she could cover her fears with that smile, Simon decided as he returned the kiss, they might just be able to make it work. *
