8. Before i die

When you cut somebody, tearing them open, it initiates the scarring process. The tissue is damaged and so it seeks to repair itself quickly, but the tissue doesn't take the time and care to weave itself intricately the way it was before. No, It takes the easy way out by bridging the gap between the flesh in the quickest way possible. It does this in order to protect the body, taking a calculated risk by sacrificing the integrity of the flesh in order to prevent infection as quickly as possible. As surgeons we deal a lot with scars. A lot of the time people feel ashamed of them, i remember i felt that way once too but then one day i was watching Red Dragon and i wont ever forget how conflicted i felt about getting one of my favourite piece of advice from a psychopathic cannibal, but at one point Hannibal Lector was speaking, "Be grateful." He said. "Our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real."

Arizona walked across the hallway and knocked on the blue door marked 502. She had been staying in Mark's apartment ever since she had resumed speaking terms with Callie. She felt haunted inside it, she felt guilty. It spoke of many things she had neglected to see in the man while she'd known him and it spoke of all the things she had forced Callie to endure all those months ago.

His apartment was very minimalist, much more resembling her own apartment as it had been before she had inflicted her influence upon it; chrome and edgy, but it was the little details that stood out to her the most. He had three picture frames in the entire place: one of himself and Callie, one with Derek as his best man at his first wedding and the last was one with Sofia flanked by her two moms. They, all three, sat on his mantle piece in his lounge. There were no pictures of family anywhere, no friends from outside of the hospital- it reminded Arizona of his words the day that his grandson had been born regarding the state of his family, how he didn't have one.

On her first night, she opened the bedside drawer meaning to stow some belongings away, but instead she found two more pictures. The first of himself tenderly kissing Lexie on the cheek while she grinned widely at his playfulness; love clearly evident between them.
The second, however, was of Arizona herself, her hair tied and disheveled, wearing one of the pink gowns found in the NICU and holding baby Sofia. Arizona remembered the exact moment vividly, it was the first picture they had taken of Sofia, just after she'd opened her eyes for the first time. She'd stared up at Arizona with the exact shade of chocolate brown that made her swoon every time she looked at Callie.

"Oh, uh hey." Callie said as she opened the door, even laced with the slight tinge of pain, her eyes still had the same effect on Arizona.
"Morning, Callie." She smiled gently. The energy between them was awkward, they were in a sort of limbo between hating each other and being okay again. It left them both utterly unaware of how to regard the other and so they chose extreme civility as the course of action.
"Um, is everything okay?"
"Yeah, everything's fine." She replied slowly, still caught up in Callie's eyes, but as her expression turned expectant Arizona finally remembered why she had knocked on the door. "Oh, um i found something, the other day, in Mark's apartment. I mean i wasn't snooping around or anything, i was just trying to put some of my things away but i've since found there's not really anywhere to put anything. So i'm still kinda living out of my travel bag but-"
"Arizona."
"Oh right. Here, this! I found this." She handed Callie the photograph. "It's the first picture we ever took of Sofia; the first time i ever held her. I thought you might want it." She watched as Callie's gaze softened remarkably in response to the image.

"Um, why? It uh, it seems like it would mean more to you?"
"Because of the way your eyes teared up when you saw it just now." Arizona smiled knowingly, making Callie chuckle lightly. She wiped at her eyes carefully, but feeling how much moisture was present, she knew it was a lost cause.
"I guess i'm gonna have to fix my make up. Do you wanna come in, see Sofia for a minute?" She asked hesitantly.
Arizona nodded, following Callie inside as she made her way to the bathroom. She found Sofia on the sitting room floor, building a tall tower out of colourful, wooden blocks. The infant smiled at the arrival of her momma, but continued her endeavour of placing yet another block atop the rickety column. Arizona lowered herself gingerly to the floor, slumping heavily down the last few inches and sat cross-legged beside her daughter. Unfortunately Arizona's heavy movement caused the tower to collapse. Sofia, surprisingly, was entirely amused by the destruction. She clapped and giggled, looking expectantly at her momma to make it happen again; so Arizona pulled the little girl into her lap and helped her rebuild the pillar in order to knock it down again.
"You know i get off early tomorrow, i thought maybe i could take Sofia to the park and maybe we could feed the ducks. Do you think that would be okay?" She asked as Callie reemerged.

The situation with their daughter was strained to say the least. Quite frankly, Arizona just didn't know where she stood anymore. She was legally her guardian having completed the adoption long ago, but deep down inside she knew that Sofia was Callie's child and a part of her wondered if she would still be allowed in her life especially if thing's didn't work out with Callie in the end.
"Sure, yeah." She replied politely. "How does that sound, Sof, you wanna feed the ducks with mamma tomorrow?" Callie crouched in front of her, drawing her attention in. Sofia might have been able to speak and quite well at that when she wanted to, but lately it s something she refused to do. She opted for the much more simple method of gesticulation, grinning at Callie and then pointing at her questioningly.
"No, Sof. Just you and momma."
She shook her head wildly, frustrated. The separation had been particularly difficult on Sofia, there was no way she could understand why suddenly her entire routine had been turned upside down with one of her moms now always being missing for extended periods of time.
"You know, you could come with us if you wanted to. I wouldn't mind and it would be good for her."
Callie deliberated for a second, checking for sincerity in Arizona's eyes, "Really?"
"Mmhmm." She nodded.
"Okay, Sof. We'll all gonna go feed the ducks tomorrow." There weren't many things Callie loved more than indulging her mischievous toddler and when she nodded her head enthusiastically at the following day's plan, Callie couldn't help the smile the overtook her face. She choose to celebrate by eliciting Sofia's own smile to grow bigger by means of tender tickles.
Their silliness was cut short by a ringing phone. Knowing it was hers, Callie got up to answer it, but only after smooching her child sloppily on the cheek.
"Hello?.. Yes this is she." She listened for a few moments, her eyebrows rising gradually until she made her way, slowly, to the couch and sat, hand covering her agape mouth.

"Callie whats wrong? Who was that?" Arizona implored as she put down the phone.
"That um, that was the Harper Avery Foundation." Callie replied breathlessly, a stunned grin slowly spreading across her face. "My cartilage research is being nominated for this years award."
"Oh my god! No way!" Arizona chanced a haphazard hug, but pulled away quickly in the awkwardness. "Um we should celebrate?"
"Yeah, this is definitely worth celebrating."
"How about dinner? Tonight, my treat?"
"Um, yeah. You know what, why not."
"Great. I'll meet you in the lobby at six?"
"Okay." Callie nodded.
"Okay." Arizona beamed. The spark of the moment fading rapidly until they were just staring at each other with uncomfortable smiles. "Um, well i should get going. I'll see you later."
Callie nodded and watched as she turned to walk out the door.
"Arizona?" She turned. "Thank you. For the photograph." She smiled, and continued out.

###

Yang and Brooks met the ambulance as it came in, the doors opened to reveal a thin man with short edgy black hair and multiple tattoos and piercings breathing deeply from the oxygen mask as he lay on the gurney. He looked severely pissed off. As he laid eyes on the doctors he pulled the mask from his face.
"I'm fine, i just passed out. It was nothing. I need to get back, we have a gig tonight we have to do sound check."
"Ooh what's your band's name?" Brooks asked happily.
"Blood Fusion. You should come check us out tonight. 9 o'clock at Rusty Hook." He winked.
"Come, Mousy." Yang ordered as they wheeled the man into the E.R. "Uh, Mr. Blake, my name is Dr. Yang, this is Dr. Brooks, the EMT said that you passed out and your friends insisted that you'd overdosed on crack." Dr. Yang addressed the man with a sense of bored indifference.
"No way man. I've just been feeling sick lately is all. I've got the flu and i just passed out. Im fine."
"Well we're gonna run some tests anyway. Tell me about this flu?" She asked as they transferred him into a bed and returned the gurney the the paramedics.
Christina motioned for Dr. Brooks to perform the preliminary exam while she questioned him.
"Eh fever, oh, but i also get cold. Um, headaches; my whole body just aches actually, and it's hard to breathe sometimes. Flu!"
"Dr. Yang it sounds like he has a heart murmur, and he's showing signs of abdominal tenderness."
"How do we proceed, Dr. Brooks?"
"Um EKG, CT and blood cultures?"
"Good job, Mousy. Page me when they're done." Yang walked straight from the room.
"Why does she call you Mousy?" Mr. Blake asked.
"I like to think that it's because i'm quiet." She smiled at him thoughtfully. "You know, 'quiet as a church mouse'." She elaborated, but his face remained incredulous.

###

Callie was waiting in the lobby at 6 o clock, ready to meet Arizona for their dinner that evening. She had opted for a simple black dress, strapless and reaching mid-thigh; just tight enough to show off every curve. Her hair was wavy, cascading over her shoulders with an edge that only Callie could pull off. Her eyes were smokey, her heels were strappy and her leather jacket hung casually over her left arm.
Arizona made her way down the stairs, she had put in special effort to dress provocatively for Callie, but she felt just a little uneasy with how short her dress was. It was light grey, with a slight sheen making it shimmer as it caught the light. The sweetheart neckline was tight at her chest, pushing her cleavage up into an irresistible rise and the wisps of her rippled golden hair just tickled the tops.
Her heels were black and sexy but none too sheer; still high enough to accentuate the ass she knew Callie loved.

She tried to push the nagging concern from her mind of just how obvious it was that her left leg was made of plastic, it made her just a little uneasy of the people that noticed her as she walked past. Were they looking because she was hot or because she was the pitiful cripple playing dress up? Alex was on his way up the stairs, working intently on his ipad. As they drew level he noticed bare legs, a lustful smirk adorned his face as he slowly followed them up to their source. Upon reaching Arizona's face and realizing just who he had been checking out he fumbled, nearly dropping his ipad, a bright red blush shading his face. Arizona's eyebrows were raised in amusement, but her head was cocked to the side and her mouth was set gently showing her ever-present vulnerability.
"Oh, Dr. Robbins! I uh, um i-" he shook his head giving up. "No, you know what, i'm not gonna apologize, you look hot. Maybe you don't want to hear that from me because i'm a dude. But i can't help it, i'm a dude and you look hot." He scowled and resumed walking up the stairs before Arizona could reply.
"Hey, Alex?" She called after him.
"What?"
"Thank you." His scowl softened and he nodded before continuing on his way.

Arizona made the rest of the way towards Callie feeling slightly more confident. She was determined to shower her in all of the charm she had, they might not have said that this was a date but Arizona was sure as hell going to act like it was.
As Arizona drew closer, the pair locked eyes, taking each other in.
"Wow." They spoke simultaneously, both a little breathless, before chuckling at the shared thought.
"You look gorgeous, Callie."
"Me? Ha! You should have seen how everyone's jaw dropped as you walked past." She replied, taking another lingering glance down Arizona's body. "Some of them are still drooling."
Arizona blushed but made sure to keep her hands to herself as she motioned for Callie to follow her. "Come on, we have reservations." She made sure to walk slightly ahead of Callie to give her the full view. She wasn't certain, but she could have sworn she heard a subtle gasp from her. Arizona couldn't help but close her eyes briefly to cling to her composure and keep herself from tearing up; Alex's compliment earlier had meant a lot to Arizona in aiding her confidence but the knowledge that Callie still found her attractive meant more to her than she could ever convey.
As they walked through the parking lot, Callie was momentarily confused when Arizona bypassed her car and walked straight up to a big blue pick up truck before opening Callie's door for her.
"I got Christina to make Owen swap cars with me for the night." She shrugged at Callie's questioning hesitation.
"Okay." Callie said slowly, absolutely not understanding why they would even need a truck to go to dinner. "Are you and Christina friends now? Because you talk about her a lot these days." Callie asked as she got into her seat.
"Yeah." Arizona smiled, sliding into her own seat beside Callie. "She's been really helpful. I never knew she was so deep."
"We are talking about Christina Yang right?"
"Of course." She chuckled.
"It's really weird."
Arizona just shrugged in response, before starting the car and reversing out of the parking space.

"I thought we going to dinner?" Callie asked as Arizona turned onto a dirt road adorned by tall leafy trees, fifteen minutes later.
"We are."
"Are you taking me camping because you hate camping and quite frankly I'm not much of a fan either." Callie asked skeptically.
Arizona just smirked and continued driving. She parked at a line of trees just inside a clearing and got out to open Callie's door, carefully leading her around the front of the truck.
"Close your eyes for me okay. I want this to be a surprise but i kind of forgot to bring a blindfold."
Callie hesitates for a second before nodding her head and obeying the request. Arizona takes Callie's hand and begins leading her around the trees.
"Don't worry baby, i got you." She whispers as Callie's grip on her hand tightens, using her thumb to reinforce her sentiment by gently caressing Callie's. Even though intimacy, even as subtle as this, has been tentative since the storm it still sent their hearts aflutter, the way their hands still felt at home together, the gentle warmth emanating into the other. Fingers laced together, only realizing how lonely they had been in feeling the fulfilling embrace surrounding them. Callie felt a tugging in her chest, she wanted nothing more than to melt into Arizona and just be happy again. That desire alone terrified her completely.

After another few meters, Arizona drew them to a halt, tugging gently on Callie's arm. "Okay," she said. "You can open your eyes."
Callie stayed silent at first, allowing herself a few moments to take in Arizona's construct. It was a clear night, the waning moon throwing light over the entire clearing. The summery warmth prevented a chill from disrupting the mood. It was a simple scene, borne centuries ago in the hearts of romantics, a lone table, candlelit and intimately awaiting two.
"What did you do?" Callie awed voice was but a whisper as they resumed their walk to the table.
"A couple weeks ago a little girl came into the E.R., long story short her appendix burst but i managed to save her. Her dad turned out to be the executive chef at La Petite Poulet and well..." She gestured to the setting before pulling Callie's chair out for her and sitting down herself.
"He did this for you?"
"Yeah." Arizona smiled nervously.
"Wow, this has got to be the cheesiest thing anyone has ever done for me." A grin making it clear just how touched Callie was by it.
Just then a young man wearing a stark white, button-down shirt and a black apron extending down from his waist appeared holding a bottle of Sauvignon blanc.

"Ladies, my name is James. I'll be your server this evening." He greeted them both before turning his attention specifically to Arizona. "Wine for the first course, madame." He showed her the label, awaiting her approval before pouring for the both of them and placing the bottle on the table. "The first course will be out in just a few minutes, is there anything i can get you in the mean time?"
"No, thank you, James." Arizona politely dismissed him.
"5 star." Callie raised her eyebrows clearly impressed.
"I thought the occasion deserved it." Arizona replied, lifting her glass. "A toast to, Calliope Torres, Harper Avery nominee. You're amazing." Callie gave a thin smile, clinking her glass against Arizona's and taking a generous sip.
James reappeared with the first course, laying each plate in front of them, "An amuse bouche of seared scallops with lime, jalepēno aioli." He announced, nodding to each of them and retreating back into the shadows. After the first course was cleared, James reappeared with more wine; this time a Chardonnay, and repeated the same process from before after which he brought out the appetizers.
"Quiche Florentine with micro salad and balsamic vinaigrette."
"You know i don't understand half of what that boy says but whatever it is, it tastes amazing." Callie enthused causing Arizona to giggle lightly.
Next they were given given raspberry sorbet as a palate cleanser before the main course of filet mignon au pan jus and lyonnaise potatoes accompanied by a 2010 merlot.
"Finally some red wine!" Callie joked.
"Pace yourself, i've got something special planned for dessert." Arizona replied mysteriously. Callie narrowed her eyes playfully at her suspicious behaviour but decided not to press for details.
"Don't worry, after years of living with Christina i'm pretty confident i can hold my own."

Callie was the last to finish her entree, just after she set her knife and fork perpendicular to herself on the plate, James returned again. "Ladies, if you would follow me please."
Arizona winked at Callie's skeptically raised eyebrows but offered no explanation as they made their way further into the clearing. They came to a stop beside Owen's pick up, Callie hadn't even noticed it being moved earlier- she decided that they must have gone around the trees and brought it in from the back of the clearing. James stood by the back of the truck and opened the tail gate, and positioned a plastic step on the ground below it.
"Your dessert awaits." He said, gesturing into the flat bed and then taking Arizona's hand to help her up into it. Callie stared blankly at the strange behaviour, only waking up to mirror Arizona at her beckoning. She walked forward and allowed James to help her up as well. Inside the flat bed were an array of plush, colourful pillows and blankets on which Arizona was sitting. A tray lay to the side holding various petit fours as well as what appeared to be sliced lime and a salt cruet.
She looked back at Arizona and noticed she was holding a square bottle labelled in blue and silver, perfectly matching Arizona's dress and eyes.
"If you require anything else, i will be by the tree line with the chef. I will be on stand-by to drive you home once you are ready. Please enjoy the rest of your evening." James smiled before retreating once again.
"Jose Cuervo?" Callie asked as she sat beside Arizona.
"This is one of the best places in the city to see the stars. The sky's so clear you can see so many of them. It seemed like a good idea at first but now that we're here i can't bring myself to take my eyes off of you to look at them."
"Since when do you drink tequila?" She asked as Arizona poured them each a shot before handing Callie the salt.

Callie was starting to feel slightly panicked, she had spent the entire evening trying to keep the conversation light, to keep from melting for Arizona because she still didn't trust her. She didn't want to crumble and open herself up again just to be hurt once more. The memory of the pain helped sharpen her focus, but she had always been weak for her; despite how hard she'd ever tried in the past to stand tall for herself. Arizona was her weakness, she could never say no and she knew that, but Arizona, this Arizona, most resembled the woman that she had lost to the plane. The woman she had craved unabashedly for so long and she was laying it on thick tonight, pulling out every trick she had. Callie could still sense the darkness that she hadn't been able to unsee since Arizona had showed it to her, but somehow, tonight, she had turned that darkness into something sexy and Callie was panicking because she was unrestrainedly falling for it.

"Christina introduced us." Arizona replied, silently initiating the process by lifting her glass to Callie, licking the salt from her hand and knocking it back. Callie mirrored her movements and the two shared a shudder before each taking a slice of lime between their teeth and biting down.
"Yeah it's still weird that you two are friends."
"You're friends with Christina?"
"Yeah, but us being friends makes sense, we're both cynical and sarcastic. And we share an equal hatred for people in general. I break bones, she cuts up hearts; it works. But you? You're the happy paeds surgeon, fixing children with smiles and rainbows." She teased, crinkling her nose in mock distaste.
"Oh i get it, you don't think i'm hardcore enough to fit into your little club. Yeah we'll see about that." She said, knocking back another shot before Callie had even registered that she had refilled the glass in her hand.
Arizona did a double take when she saw that Callie had yet to down the liquid, noticing the faint, inch long scar trailing from her middle knuckle back along her right hand.
"What happened to your hand?" Arizona asked gently, she was confident in her knowledge of Callie's body, certain that this was entirely new.
"Oh, it's nothing. I just uh, broke a mirror and the glass kinda cut me. I didn't need stitches or anything. It's okay."
"Broken mirror huh? Seven years bad luck!" Arizona teased.
"Ha, I wonder what that would be like." Callie replied darkly.
"Did you know that tequila is actually an aperitif? It wasn't made to be a shooter at all." She replied, trying to keep the mood casual, despite Callie's obvious dissemblance. She would talk when she was ready.
"What was it meant to be then?"
"It was meant to be an appetite stimulant, taken before a meal."
"You're telling me i can drink tequila before every meal and just be like, 'nope sorry, just stimulating my appetite'?"
"Yeah i guess you could." Arizona chuckled fondly. "I don't think it would stop people from assuming that you're just an alcoholic though." She handed Callie another shot and they repeated the process again. Callie could definitely feel her inhibitions crumbling away.
"Are you trying to use my combined love for facts and tequila to get me to give it up on the first date?"
"Maybe." Arizona teased before holding her tongue between her teeth enticingly. "You see those stars up there?" She continued, pointing to the clear sky above them and lying back on the pillows.
"Yeah." Callie replied, taking in the sparkle that peppered the sky as she settled back beside Arizona.
"You belong up there with them." She said as she snaked her fingers between Callie's.
"What do you mean?" Her breath catching.
"You're like the stars, an ascension for others to aspire towards. You shine with a fiery beauty, captivating everyone who happens to chance upon you. Calliope, the greek muse of epic poetry, with the beautiful voice. Your legend's already written up there. You're made of star stuff, Callie. You're breathtaking."
"That's just the tequila talking." Callie tried to joke though tears welled up in her eyes.
"Nope. Only you could inspire me to feel this way. You're my muse, Calliope."
Callie bit her lip, tilting her head to the side as she gazed longingly into Arizona's eyes. The calm blue sincerity reflecting back at her robbed her of all restraint, unable to hold back from what she'd been craving since she saw Arizona walk down the hospital stairs, and she leaned forward capturing delicate lips in an outpour of passion. She didn't waste time with chastity, quickly easing her tongue into Arizona's mouth and entertaining a few moments of pure bliss, remembering the way they had loved each other before, in their pretty pink bubble. For a second she pretended they were back there, just for a second, and as she pulled away she kept her eyes closed holding onto that second for as long as reality would let her.
"When did you get so smooth?" She joked again.
"Well I had to up my game if i had any hope of winning you back." Arizona breathed.

###

Callie and Christina stood side by side, making notes at the nurses station on the fourth floor. Callie was going about it rather aggressively and it became distracting.
"What's your problem today?" Christina asked.
"Nothing." Callie shot her a poisonous glance. "I went on a date with Arizona last night."
"Oh, so it went bad, huh?"
"No, it was perfect!" She growled.
"And why is that a problem."
"Because i'm-"
"Oh, no, actually, i don't care." Christina interjected nonchalantly, causing Callie to purse her lips in a snarl.
"Hey Christina. What time's the surgery on that endocarditis patient?" Meredith asked as she joined them.
"Huh? Oh you mean Drug Addict Joe, it's at two." Christina shrugged. "Why are you assisting on it again?"
"He developed an abscess on his spleen from the infection." She replied. "Oh congratulations by the way. For the nomination." She said to Callie.
"Eh whatever."
"What's the matter with her?" Meredith asked Christina.
"She's mad because her date with Robbins went too well last night."
Meredith scrunched her brow, "and that makes a Harper Avery nomination suck, how?"
"Because, okay, because this is the best thing thats ever happened in my professional career but i cant enjoy it because my entire life is completely screwed up all because of that stupid freaking plane crash!" Callie exclaimed, throwing her pen at the chart she was writing in.
"You know, i've been thinking; a lot of bad stuff has happened to us. Like a ridiculous amount of terrible stuff." Meredith said.
"Have you still got pregnancy brain? Because you're just saying obvious things now." Christina quipped.
"No, i was thinking back to the first bad thing that happened- George."
"Uh, what about the bomb in that civil war idiot?"
"No, those were all dumb things i did to myself. But then i got better and stopped being all suicidey and right after that: bam! George dies."
"Okay what's your point?"
"Well it all started happening after my mom died and i washed her ashes down the drain in O.R. 2."
"You did what?" Callie asked, wide-eyed.
"I think she's haunting the hospital!"
"Dammit Mer, you doomed us all. You know what, you don't deserve your fifteen million, i motion that you sign it all over to us."
"Yeah i kinda agree." Callie added.
"Do you think we should replace the plumbing in the hospital?"
"I think we might have to, or else my mother will kill us all eventually." Meredith mused.
"Oh no, she's not gonna kill me." Callie replied.
"Hey, why do you get to survive?" Christina pouted.
"I'm her toy, she's trying to make me kill myself by killing everyone i've ever loved."
"Oh that's true."
"Arizona's not dead?" Meredith said.
"She's a little dead. She's not the same person anymore."
"I like new Arizona better." Christina shrugged.
"Yeah she's more interesting now that she's all dark and twisty like us."
"Oh please you guys are hardly dark and twisty anymore. Playing house, raising babies, living happily ever after." Callie cringed in disgust.
"How is that not the definition of dark and twisty?" Christina asked. "What could be more terrifying than having a man inject his spawn into you only for it to expand and burst forth from your vagina nine months later?"
"You need to speak at high schools." Callie raised her eyebrows.
"Okay that's our que to leave." Meredith began leading Christina away.
"No seriously, that little speech will end teen pregnancy!" Callie called after them.

###

"Hey, Callie. Here's your phone." Arizona smiled, handing the object over.
"Oh, thanks. Um not that i don't appreciate it, but why exactly did you insist on getting it for me?" Callie used a soft tone, trying not to give away that her heart was racing.
"Dr. Weaver suggested starting very small with regaining trust. By allowing each other to do little things like running an errand or bringing each other small gifts like coffee or donuts," she winked. "and then gradually we move on to bigger things and eventually we trust each other again."
"Arizona?" Her voice became hollow.
"Yeah?"
"I um, i got offered a job in New york, at the Hospital for Special Surgery- it's a horrible name for a hospital, i know, but they're the number one orthopedic hospital in the country and they want me. Me! They offered me head of department and my own cartilage lab with funding for research and staff. My own staff."
"Wow, Callie!" Arizona grinned. "Well i'm not surprised that they want you, you're pretty amazing." She winked. "I bet they weren't to pleased when you turned them down."
"I um, i didn't."
"You said yes?" Arizona asked incredulously.
"No, i didn't, but i'm thinking that maybe i should."
"But what about your shares here? You're a board member and, and" Arizona said, shaking her head. "Me, I'm not in New York." She finished quietly.
"Yeah, i kinda thought it could be a blank slate, you know." Callie said gently.
"Oh." Arizona suddenly found it difficult to breathe. She watched as Callie turned away to give her some space. "No, you know what? No." Arizona ran forward to overtake Callie. "We decided to work on this thing together. We decided to try and you running away to some magical new hospital after a week isn't trying. its not some short cut to skipping the pain, it's just escaping but it's not going to help because whatever you're running away from is inside you not inside this hospital and the only way to fix it is to find closure, here with me. And then you know what, after that, if you wanna move away then go but don't leave us dangling from a what if because you're scared because it's not fair to you and it's not fair to me either." Arizona exploded, unable to keep passive.
Callie stared at Arizona with a little bit of wonder in her eyes.
"What?" Arizona exclaimed, still feeling a little sensitive.
"Nothing. You're just, You're absolutely right. Wow, usually Mark was the only one who could make me see i was being an idiot. That therapist of yours has taught you some tricks." Before Arizona could reply, Callie lent forward spontaneously to seal the moment, softly with her lips. Arizona tensed at the contact, caught in a desperate internal struggle between giving Callie enough to let her know she was enjoying the kiss but not so much that Callie could actually taste her.
"Well i've um, always been an incredibly talented student." Arizona replied flirtatiously, and peeking under her eyelashes hoping to divert the moment.
"Mhmm, i'll see you later." Callie replied before walking away, prompting Arizona to let out a sigh of relief, but halfway through her retreat Callie turned around to speak again, "Oh, and just because i'm ignoring that for the sake of the moment, doesn't mean you aren't in trouble for the tobacco i just tasted."

###

Christina walked into Mr. Blakes room with Brooks in tow, and spoke, barely paying the man any attention while Brooks completed the post-op exam
"Good evening, sir, how are you feeling?"
"Evening Doc, kinda sore, do you think you could up the pain meds a bit."
"Ah, the junkie's equivalent of the dog ate my homework." Christina replied sarcastically. "We performed a full mitral valve replacement as the valve was too damaged for repair. The abscess on your spleen had no complications. The entire surgery was performed flawlessly. You should experience a lot of bodily scarring especially around your injection sites, the tattoos on your chest and abdomen were compromised by the incisions as well, nothing you can't live with." She shrugged before entertained a brief non-verbal conversation for Brooks, ascertaining that the patient was fine before ordering her to her side. "You will be here for three weeks recovery time during which you will receive high doses of antibiotics to destroy the infection in you heart tissue after which you will need to return regularly for the following three weeks to continue the treatment while you recover at home. If you choose not to come in, you will die. If you keep taking drugs you will die anyway." Christina said lightly.
The man looked as if he was about to cry, sensing this Christina tried to make a quick escape. "If you have any questions the nurse will be available and you will be informed of rehabilitation programs over the next few weeks." She concluded and walked out.
"I wonder if he can do that weird death screaming thing. Ooh can you?" Brooks asked excitedly.
"No."
"I tried once but i just ended up coughing for ten minutes. It's much harder than it looks."
"Fascinating."

###

Callie and Arizona sat on a bench watching Sofia while she ran around throwing lumps of bread at the ducks swimming in the little body of water. The day was bright and clear but the air held the tell tale bite of the end of summer. The three girls were dressed warmly enough, but Callie and Arizona didn't supplement their comfort by sitting closely to each other- there was an almost Platonic gap between them and their conversation held the polite indifference of words unsaid. Their position with each other was still unsure and so each was tentative to push their thinly renewed bonds with overfamiliarity. They were trying though. They were both trying. Longing glances punctuated their infrequent chatter, they smiled easily, laughed freely and for the second time that week they were interrupted by the insistence of a cellphone. Arizona gave Callie a smile as she rose and walked a few feet away, towards a tall woody tree, to take the call. Callie watched Sofia as she ran around haphazardly on her wobbly legs and she smiled proudly to herself. Glancing over to include Arizona in her nostalgic moment, Callie watched as her eyes grew wide and her entire figure sagged visibly. A pale hand shuddered a path toward her mouth as she listened to words she wished to unhear. Callie made to stand, to rush to her side but at the same moment Arizona slipped her phone back into the pocket of her long black coat and walked numbly back towards the bench. Callie closed the distance with two long strides and guided her back to the bench.
"Arizona whats the matter? Who was that?" Callie whispered, very worried.
"Um that, that was... Nick he, he... He-" she was unable to finish, finally being overcome by tears.
Callie wrapped her in a sideways hug, rubbing her arm hard in an attempt to sooth her. "What did he say?"
Arizona shook her head but through her sobs she was able to choke out the two words she hoped she would never have to say, "he's dead."

I came to realize that nobody normal could have come up with that advice. Only somebody damaged, somebody who spent all day making scars could think about them enough to come to love them and appreciate them. As a surgeon i think it helped me to think of scars nostalgically because a lot of the time scars piss me off, getting in the way during procedures. Taking valuable time while i remove them and accommodate them. It took a psychopath to teach me to love my scars or at least respect them. We all have darkness inside us, he helped me understand a little bit of mine and immediately i became less scared of myself. You only understand darkness once you've lived in it. And only then can you appreciate the light.