I'm being incredibly distracted at the moment. There's a show on TV about World War 2 I think, and it's supposed to be funny but all it is are a bunch of people yelling at each other in terrible Italian and German accents. Horrible, really… I was looking up online about fan fiction for some reason (I didn't know what AU stood for…yes, I'm dumb as we've established…) and I found out that technically it's illegal to use lyrics in fan fiction. Oh well! Everyone else does, and I'm giving credit to the band. That brings me to say that the lyrics in here are from the song "My Cold Dead Hands" by My Chemical Romance. It reminded me of Jizabel. I couldn't actually FIND the song, but I looked up the lyrics….they're AMAZING!
We
all re-adjust from your tastes.
Slipping forward so we feel
graced.
This passage that I've misplaced.
Merely existing to
stay the same.
Just take this to the extent in which you are
living the "morally predictable" way
Cassian's hands were warm against his skin. Why would you come back? Jizabel thought to himself as his assistant knelt next to him, small hands softly touching his neck. He instinctively moved closer to the gentle touch, a small cry escaping his lips in the process. He wanted to speak, to ask questions, to cry and just be held all at the same time. All he could do was sit there, silently.
"Doctor…" finally Cassian spoke. "…are you alright…?" I am now…but how did you know I was here…? Jizabel nodded, feeling tears build up behind his eyes, and he covered Cassian's hand in his own, pulling himself closer to him.
"Why…did you come back…?" he spoke those words again. The same ones that he had when he awoke for the first time two weeks back.
"Because you asked me to." The same reply…but the voice was different than he recalled. More distant…
Something wasn't right.
Jizabel lifted his gaze to the man's in front of him. No one was there. He touched his neck, but there was no sign that anyone had ever been there. Blackness was closing in around him again, but this time there was no comfort. No one to help him.
Hoping,
reaching for blank salvation,
Every second, every hour, of every
single day.
A dream. It had only been a dream…but how much of it was? Jizabel scanned his surroundings, his head ached terribly. He ran a hand through his hair in thought, but quickly pulled it away after feeling something wet touch his fingertips. He didn't need to be told what it was, he already knew: blood. He stared at his fingertips in horror, trying despretly to recall what had happened.
He'd arrived at Cassandra's house with no sign of the owner when he got there, got "settled" into his bedroom (if you could call it "settled"), took a small nap, went to dinner and then…the front door opened. Jizabel ran to his room in some attempt to escape, but it was too late. As soon as he reached the top of the spiraling staircase, Cassandra was there waiting for him and then…
"I see you've decided to come back, Jizabel." Cassandra smiled. "We really do have…so much to catch up on." It had finally come down to the inevitable for real. Jizabel glanced away from Cassandra's gaze which seemed to have grown stronger since the last time that he'd been trapped in his chambers. This time was definitely going to be worse than the last encounter at the hospital. "Where would you like to start?"
Was he actually asking Jizabel what he wanted to do? I'd like to leave now, actually… he thought silently to himself, almost smirking in amusement.
Before he could react, Cassandra had him pinned on the bed, straddling his hips, wrists held above his head. Jizabel closed his eyes, and prayed that this was all a dream; a nightmare.
Warm lips pressed against his with bruising force. It wasn't a good kind of warmth, though. No, it was forceful and bitter. Jizabel turned away, but a hand grabbed his chin, making him accept the kiss…if one could call it that. He almost gagged as the other man slipped his tongue into Jizabel's mouth. Their bodies pressed closer together, and Jizabel struggled underneath the other man. It was becoming clear that he wasn't going to escape.
He tried to stop himself from crying out, but he did. Once. When Cassandra grabbed him by the back of the head, yanking him up by his hair.
"I never asked you at the hospital…but why is it that you cut your hair?" The look in his eyes could be described as sheer terror
"I-I…" he tried to stutter. A backhanded slap across the face silenced him, before Cassandra hissed into his ear.
"After all…your long hair really did look so…pretty…is that why you cut it off?" Jizabel managed to shake his head 'no'. Another mouth bruising kiss before he started to undo the buttons on the doctor's shirt, running his hands down the scars on Jizabel's back. The doctor reminded himself that he needed to do this.
"You could die if you don't get more." Those were his words, and the young doctor knew all too well what addiction could do to someone. It was no use resisting. Cassandra ran his hands down Jizabel's body…and then the nightmare started.
Why? Why couldn't he shut out the world like he was so used to doing before he met Cassandra. When his father "punished" him he had no problem with closing his eyes and willingly numbing himself. Now…when Cassandra did this…he felt everything.
He felt those cold hands slipping under his clothes, hips grinding into his, the saliva on his lips and neck. He winced as Cassandra started to remove his pants. Neither of them had any dignity left, only Jizabel hadn't done anything to want this.
"This is what you get for running away…how could you think that someone like you could escape so easily?" some voice in the back of his head whispered into his ear. "Why would anyone want to save you? Cassandra said it…and so did you father; you're disgusting."
There was a sharp pain. He made a small noise in surprise, but the other man didn't hear, he was far too "entertained" to notice any sign of detest from Jizabel.
"You let him do this to you. Just so you can get some more of that drug. You really are disgusting."
Another cry as Cassandra suddenly thrust into him without warning. Jizabel gripped the sheets until his knuckles turned white. He closed his eyes, trying to block out the feel of Cassandra's breath on his neck.
"but Cassian…he came back for me…" he argued with that inner voice. "He…cared…"
"Yes, and you left him, to come back to this. You deserve this." Jizabel couldn't hold back another scream. Cassandra clamped a hand over his mouth. He couldn't breathe. Jizabel tried to shut his eyes, praying that this would finally end. Of course, he did not want to die in such a matter, suffocated by the one person he could not stand, but at the same time he was ready to give up.
His body sank into the mattress as the other man held him in place, one hand over Jizabel's mouth, the roughly exploring the scars on his back and the rest of his body.. Jizabel closed his eyes, and the nightmarish visions of being literally pulled into hell by his father returned to him.
Anything. Anything was better than this. He'd rather focus on the nightmare that he'd had on the night that Cassian had rescued him than to think about what was going on at the moment. Again, anything was better than feeling Cassandra's body against his, hearing his ragged breath, smelling tobacco, alcohol, and sweat among other things.
"I'm ready to die now…" he thought as Cassandra thrust into him another time. Again, and again. The pain was unbearable, he bit his lip to keep from screaming. The small comfort was that this couldn't last forever. Jizabel's vision began to spin as he fell further into the nightmare. "I'm really ready…" this time, in his mind, he saw himself being pulled down into the darkness but no one was there to help him. No one until…
"Jizabel…" the voice was so soft that he barely heard it. "Hold on…" his eyes snapped open. Cassandra's hand still covered his mouth, and he realised who's voice it was.
"Cassian…" he thought, suddenly starving for air once more, realising that he was still alive.
"What the hell!?" Cassandra spat as the younger man bit down on his fingers, not hard enough to draw blood, but enough to get his attention. The other man quickly pulled out of him.
Just
wait… there's only one, one life, then it's none.
I see
gallows built in your name.
Strangling you while you breathe to
pray.
You'd rather live and serve.
What Jizabel felt next was worse than the pain he'd been trapped in moments ago. A back handed smack across the face, followed by being yanked up by his hair again. Jizabel tasted blood on his lips, and glared at Cassandra with hatred. Clearly, he knew the look. A brief spark of rebellion and hope flashed in the young doctor's eyes. Another smack, this time Jizabel fell to the floor. That hope was extinguished quickly. His vision spun, the sudden rush of oxygen combined with the pain he felt was too much. Things turned black for a few moments, and when he opened his eyes again, Cassandra was standing above him, adjusting his clothes. Jizabel felt blood slipping down his legs once more.
He smiled, reaching a hand to "help" the other man up. Jizabel foolishly took it, barely aware of what was going on. Once he was somewhat steadied, a sheet wrapped around his now trembling body, Cassandra took another look at him.
"Oh…I know what you want…filthy." He muttered the last word under his breath. "Maybe," he began with a sickening grin. "If you learn to behave yourself next time I'll give you some…" His laugh was nothing short of evil. Jizabel shot him another look of pure hatred. Mistake.
Again, he was sent flying to the ground, this time striking his head on the bed post. The door slammed as Cassandra walked out of the room, leaving Jizabel to bleed on the floor, completely alone.
The young doctor sat on the edge of the mattress, a thin sheet still wrapped around his trembling body.
The small comfort that he'd had, that dream that Cassian had rescued him was the only thing that kept him holding on. Blood was matted into his ash blond hair, and dried onto the backs of his legs. At least he could get cleaned up this time.
Jizabel sighed, getting up for a moment. That wasn't the best idea, for just as soon as he'd gotten to his feet, he collapsed again, falling into the pillow.
Helpless. He felt so helpless. He was chained to Cassandra and as long as he was addicted he needed that man. His father sold him out and Cassian…
Jizabel curled up into himself and began to shake, because he realised that the window of freedom he might have had was now closed, and Cassian was never coming back for him…
Die and
"be saved"...there's so much you deserve.
You deserve to
be...buried deep, to forever sleep.
…
I'd rather serve in hell, than reign in heaven
______________________________________________
I now know what everyone means when they say that yaoi is hard to write. I feel so dirty and it wasn't even that bad. It was probably terrible…Ugh…had to be written. So Cassandra's all like "have sex with meh to get teh drugs." Ew…that guy makes me mad…even though in the actual story he was never that bad. But he was a creeper…ok who am I kidding, yeah he was that bad.
I'm going to go to sleep now…
MAYBE CASSIAN WILL BE IN MY DREAMS TOO *floats away in happiness* I love him. Adorable! X3
