Title: Changes
Pairing: Cath/Sara
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Only the twisted plot is mine…well most of it
Summary: Catherine can sense things are changing as everyone tries to adjust to the loss of Warrick, but just what is it that is changing?
Warning: SPOILERS TO SEASON 9 (MAINLY)
SEQUEL TO "THE SCENE WE DIDN'T SEE"
Special thanks to my beta abina2810
Catherine's POV
There is a knock on my office door. Removing my glasses I look up and say, "Come in." Greg enters the room practically bouncing off the walls in joy. I can't help but smile at his childish demeanor. "What's up?"
He smiles brightly at me, "Sara is here."
"She is?" I ask raising an eyebrow. Greg's mood must be contagious because I can't wipe the smile from my face.
"Yeah," He replies as he rocks on the balls of his feet. A quiet chuckle escapes me.
"You really miss her don't you?" He nods. His eyes never leave me. I am hoping he will leave soon so I can go see Sara myself. Even though I see her almost every day it is always nice to see her. It has been two weeks since we held hands beneath the blanket and Sara has bounced back and forth between friendly to completely detached. No more hand holding or hugs.
I think we are both more aware of Michael's presence among other things. At least I am, I can't speak for Sara. Still that doesn't stop me from wanting to touch Sara, hold Sara, and love Sara openly. I have no clue how Sara would feel about any of this, but as long as I am with Michael it is not even a possibility. It's most likely not a possibility period.
I realize that Greg is still standing in front of me which snaps me back into reality. "Do you need something Greg?"
"Sara is asking to see you. I told her I'd check to see if you are busy."
A smile touches my lips once again. Greg looks slightly puzzled. He like the rest of the lab knows that Sara and I have had our ups and down, and we are not usually the people to bring smiles to each other's faces. At least that is what they think.
I take a moment to reign in my emotions until my expression is friendly but professional. "Of course," I say as I stand. "Where is she?"
"I think Nick took her to the break room to meet Riley and Ray."
"Oh. Let's go then." I straighten my clothes, and have to stop myself from rolling my eyes. I'm being ridiculous. Following Greg out of my office I ask, "How is Riley by the way?"
"I don't know. Ask her. Why would you ask me?"
"I was just wondering if you had gathered the courage to ask her out yet."
"I told you I'm not..."
"Of course not Greggo." I wink at him before we enter the break room, which causes him to sigh in exasperation.
"I'm never going to convince you otherwise am I?"
"Not without solid proof."
Turning my attention to the people in the break room my eyes are instantly drawn to Sara. "Catherine."
I smile at her, "Sara," I realize I can take advantage of the situation and walk over to where she is standing next to the table. She raises and eyebrow at me and my smile only widens. "I don't get a hug? It's been forever Sidle." To everyone else the comment is innocent, but I see recognition flash through Sara's eyes and she nods as a small smile caresses her lips. Her arms wrap around me and I bite my bottom lip to hold back the sigh of content threatening to escape me. Running my hands up her back I hold Sara tightly to me. My eyes flutter shut for a moment before we are forced to break apart so that we don't look suspicious. As we do I run my hand down Sara's arm and briefly squeeze her hand. Glancing around no one appears to find my gesture odd, or at least they are hiding it if they do. They aren't paying much attention to us anyhow. Greg is talking to Riley about their case and Nick is at the coffee machine while Ray has refocused his attention to the newspaper article he is reading.
"You met everyone?"
"Yeah. It feels nice to be back here, a little odd, but nice."
"Well you can stop in whenever you like Sara. During night shift of course. I heard you wanted to talk?" Sara nods. "Why don't we go to my office? It's less hectic there. I don't know why it is so hectic in here people should be working."
Greg and Riley leave the room in a hurry and Nick glances at his watch before rushing out of the room. Ray glances up at me and shrugs. "I've closed my case and nothing new has come in."
"That means you don't have to scurry out of the room guiltily. Good. That's what I like to see." He laughs quietly. "Come on Sar let's let Ray catch up on the latest news. It's not like we don't have enough of that depressing stuff around here already."
"It's good to keep up with the latest news Catherine."
"Only if you have a separation between work and the rest of your life. I'd hate to see you start falling apart because of the lack of that separation. I've seen it happen before." I glance at Sara and she catches me doing so. Her eyes dart to the ground. People might have thought I was too wrapped up in myself, or that I didn't care, but I watched Sara multiple times falling apart from a distance. I worried about her and each time prayed to God that she wouldn't hit the bottom too hardly. If I had, had more courage I would have tried to help her. I wouldn't have argued with her the way I did.
I leave the room and Sara takes that as her cue to follow me. I don't want to wait for Ray's response. I don't want to be forced to think about what happened and what didn't happen any longer. The important thing is Sara is here with me right now. Maybe not the way I want her to be, but as a friend.
I hold my office door open for Sara and close it behind her.
When I turn around I find Sara standing right behind me. I look up into her eyes and have to fight off the urge to kiss her. Her warm brown eyes are gazing down at me with a concoction of emotions. The corner of her lips curl and her hands slide up my arms before she takes me into her welcoming embrace once again. I snake my arms around Sara's waist and pull her closer to me. Burying my face in her shoulder I manage to muffle the sigh that I couldn't hold back.
We stand like this for a few minutes, in silence, enjoying the presence and proximity of each other. "I was wondering if you could take a break?" Sara asks quietly in my ear.
"Why?" I will do anything to prolong this moment. When I break apart from Sara I know that the chill that has permanently settled over me will be a little stronger than it had been the moment before.
"Coffee? You left the house at nine last night and now it's noon. I'm thinking you might be in need of some."
I chuckle into her shoulder. "You've got that right...You didn't like being at the house alone."
"What!?!"
"Yeah, you didn't like being at the house without me."
"No."
'Come on Sara admit it..."
"Cat I..."
"Flatter me."
"Okay. I didn't like being at the house by myself. I was getting lonely."
"I knew it."
"Mmm-hmmm."
"Were you really lonely or are you just saying that?"
"I really was," Sara says softly. "Coffee?"
"Definitely. They opened up a new Starbucks down the road."
"Sounds good to me. But honestly who needs that many choices of coffee?"
"Some people like variety."
"All three thousand favors?" I pull away from Sara and turn off the light.
"There are not three thousand flavors you are exaggerating."
"Yeah by two flavors." I roll my eyes and usher her out of the office.
"Are you going to ramble on about this the whole time? Because if you are I would like a forewarning so I can bring my iPod to tune you out."
"Ouch. That's not nice."
"Well you and your coffee flavor concerns deserved it. I just have to stop in the locker room and grab my wallet."
"No use, I'm paying, and I don't think I deserved it. That's no way to treat the person buying you coffee. The person that buys you coffee is the equivalent of God."
"Mmm so true. If I had known you were buying me coffee I would have been nicer." Sara sends me a pouty expression.
"You're only nice to me, because I buy you coffee?"
"It would seem so." I nudge her with my arm and send her a blinding smile. "Is there any way you can ever forgive me?"
"Hmmm." Sara stops and I turn and observe as she pretends to contemplate her answer. She is so cute sometimes. "If I can see that smile more often you are forgiven."
"Deal." I send her a huge smile. A genuine smile. "Coffee now woman. My reserves are running low." I say and then make my way out of the building with Sara at my side.
Nick is coming into the building followed by one of the new detectives.
"Where are you ladies going?" He asks with that friendly Texan drawl.
"Starbucks." Sara informs him.
'I'll be back soon Nicky. Can you manage to hold down the fort?" Nick smiles at me.
"You bet Cath. Have fun you two. Try not to kill each other over cups of coffee."
"We'll try our hardest Nick. See you later," Sara says and then turns to me. "Are we walking or driving?"
'It's not too hot. I wouldn't mind walking if that's okay with you. It would be nice to get some fresh air."
"Sounds good to me. So tell me any good cases today?"
"No. Well yes but not mine. I've been stuck with paperwork."
"The unfortunate side to being supervisor. Are you still interested in going to the movies?"
I glance over at Sara and smile, "Yeah," She stops and holds the door of the Starbucks open for me, "Thanks."
"No problem. I was thinking that maybe we could go together. I'm not sure what is playing but we could probably find something. Michael and Lindsay can join us if you want."
"No, Lindsay would probably would die of embarrassment being seen going to the movies with a group of her mother's friends. I would like...I would really like it if it is just us."
A cute gap-toothed smile appears on Sara's face, "I would like that too. This weekend?"
We step in line and Sara places a hand on my lower back. I know it is just a friendly gesture that she sometimes used to do when we worked together, but I can feel my heartbeat quickening. Knowing I shouldn't, I move closer to Sara. I stop myself from jumping when Sara begins to lightly trace small circles on my lower back with her fingers.
I turn my head to look at Sara and find her already watching me. I send her a small smile she returns the smile. Realization flashes across her face and her fingers stop moving. We both take a few steps apart and I glance around relieved not to see anyone I know in the shop. "This weekend sounds good."
"Huh?"
"For the movie."
"Oh, okay." We step up to take our order.
"One large vanilla ice soy blended latté please."
"Alright is that it?" The cheery looking cashier asks.
"No," I take Sara's elbow between my fingers and move her closer hoping to show her I don't mind it when we touch. "Can I have a large coffee, um, make it black."
"Okay. Will that be all today?" Sara removes her arm from my hand.
"Yes," she smiles at the young girl.
I am passed my latté and wander off to find us a place to sit. I pick out a place in the corner near the window hoping that we will have a little more privacy from the people inside.
Sara joins me and I can tell she's already become a little more distant. I observe her as she runs a finger along the rim of her coffee cup. She sighs and focuses her attention out of the window. Cautiously I reach out and cover her hand, resting on the table, with mine. Sara flinches and turns her darkened brown pools toward me. To my surprise I feel her gently squeezing my hand so I match her grip. "You know it's okay Sara, if we touch. We're not doing anything wrong."
She nods and returns to looking back out her window. I wish I could figure out what is going on in her mind.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I struggle to fight off sleep as I grab the evidence out of the back of the truck. I know I will be pulling at least a double shift most likely triple. After I finished my break with Sara at Starbucks I decided I was going to clock out when I got a call from Ecklie informing me of a triple homicide, and since it is a high priority case that meant all hands on deck.
Stopping in the appropriate labs quickly I'm hoping to catch ten minutes of sleep in my office before having to follow any leads. I know that won't be happening as I turn the corner and discover my office light on. Stepping into the room I am pleasantly surprised to find my daughter sitting on the couch waiting for me. I close and lock the door behind me and pull the shades before I return my attention to Lindsay. "I'm beginning to think buying you that car paid off. I'm seeing you much more often than I used to."
She smiles and holds out a cup of coffee. "I saw the news and figured you could use this."
"Thanks babe. I don't know what I would do without you." I brush my lips against the top of her head and sit across from Lindsay on the couch. Slipping off my shoes I curl up on the couch and gaze at my daughter. "Are you working tonight?"
"Yeah I have to be there in about forty-five minutes."
"What time will you be home?" Lindsay shrugs.
"I was thinking about putting in a couple extra hours. I wanted to buy a new outfit," I raise an eyebrow at her. "Yeah I know I'm supposed to be saving for college."
I can't help but smile. "That's not what I was thinking. I was wondering if there is a specific reason you wanted a new outfit."
"I might have a date."
"Really? You know I'll pay for the outfit right Linzz? I don..."
"I just figured you'd want me to get it with my own money. You know getting ready for the real life."
I roll my eyes. "I'm your mom at least let me indulge in spoiling you sometimes."
"Alright," Lindsay sends me a devilish grin that makes me rethink my offer. We sit in silence for a moment. I know I should be getting back to work, but it is so rare that I get to spend time with Lindsay. I won't take a break later to make up for now. Lindsay is more important than work. I've always known that even if I haven't always shown that I do. "Do you know where Sara is?"
"Um, no...why?"
Lindsay shrugs her shoulders at me in response. "I just figured...I knew she was over here earlier, but she left when I got home and hasn't been back since. She seemed kind of down," She shrugs again, "I'm a little worried."
"Oh, well I haven't, um, I haven't heard from her, but if I do I'll let you know. Have you tried calling her cell phone?"
Lindsay nods. "She's not answering," My daughter informs me quietly.
"I'm sure she's fine..." I have to refrain from chewing my bottom lip due to the amount of worry that has suddenly flooded me. Is Sara really fine? I've noticed her mood swings and I've brushed them off, but maybe I should have given them more consideration.
"And Michael?"
"Huh?" I say feeling rather unintelligent at the moment. My brain is preoccupied now with fears and uncertainties, yet seems to be moving sluggishly. As if it is unwilling to process any more information.
"You haven't once asked how Michael is doing so I will tell you anyhow. He found out you won't be home so decided to work late and then go out with a few friends, or at least that's what he said when he called."
"Oh. Right. That's good. It's good for him to spend time with his friends."
"Mmm-hmm. You know it's obvious Michael's not the one you care about."
"What are you talking about?"
Lindsay snorts in disbelief. "He hasn't noticed yet, but you don't care about him..."
"That's not true. I..."
"Not the way you should when you are in a relationship with someone." I remain silent not wanting to lie to Lindsay, but still unwilling to admit the pitiful truth. "But you do care for Sara. Maybe even love her." That wasn't a question...
"Linzz..."
"If you don't love him maybe it's time you let Michael go. Not only for his sake, but for your own too."
"I...I can't Lindsay. You don't understand..."
"I have to go. Just think about it when you have some free time, and please don't work yourself too hard." She stands and I give her a quick hug.
"Love you. Be safe."
"I will Mom," she says with playful annoyance. "Love you too."
I wait until Lindsay leaves the room before slouching back and closing my eyes. A sigh of frustration emanates from between my lips. I can feel a headache approaching, but decide to ignore it for the time being. Lindsay is right. I can't keep doing this to Michael, the only problem is I'm afraid I won't have another chance at love. I'm afraid that leaving him would be a mistake. Just because he isn't Sara doesn't mean that Michael can't make me happy. A dull sort of happy.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Three days without proper sleep. Three days since I've been home. I can barely stand as I stumble through the front door. The house is quiet; Lindsay is at school, Michael is working, and there is no sign of Sara. Not that noise matters. I could probably sleep through a gun fight in the living room at this point. After a moment I can make out the faint clicking of fingers flying across a keyboard and know that Sara is in her room.
I make my way toward my bedroom and have to stop in the hall using the wall as support as the world around me starts to sway. "Hey Cath," Sara's voice sounds from behind me. "Are you alright?" I can sense her presence suddenly at my side. I glance over at her and push off the wall. I didn't account for my legs deciding to give out on me and would have collapsed if Sara's strong arms didn't wrap themselves around me. "Careful," she says in a soothing voice. "Have you slept at all since you were last home?"
"Couple hours." I reply leaning into Sara for support. I can feel the welcoming darkness of unconsciousness creeping into the edges of my mind. My eyelids are becoming increasingly heavier by the second.
"When was the last time you ate?" I shrug in response. "What about fluids? Have you been keeping yourself hydrated at least?" I shrug again. "Okay. How about..."
"I'm so tired...I just need to sleep." I finish my sentence which is emphasized by a large yawn. I rest my head on Sara's shoulder and she begins to help me the rest of the way to the bedroom.
I should protest, but I am too tired.
Instead I wrap an arm around Sara's waist. We make it to the bedroom and Sara stands by me while I sit on the bed and take off my shoes. I'm not ready to let her go and too tired to care how anything looks. Taking her hand in mine I quietly ask, "Stay?"
Sara look at me with pain filled eyes."I can't. We can't. You know that..."
"Please?" Another yawn escapes me and my eyes are screaming in protest against remaining open. "Until I fall asleep? Then you can leave. I promise it won't take long." I attempt sending her a small smile.
Sara gazes at me and I cannot tell what is going through her mind.
"Okay," Her answer is barely audible. I tighten my grip on her hand.
"Thank you." She nods. Leaning closer to me Sara takes me by surprise as she slides my coat down my arms. I let her remove the article of clothing. "There is a blanket on the top shelf of the closet." Sara's eyes briefly meet mine and I can see that she understands what I am doing.
While she finds the blanket I drag myself backward onto the bed. When my head hits the pillow I feel as if I am almost in heaven, but there is one thing missing. Sara crosses the room and sits on the bed beside me. I tug on her arm and she lays down turning on her side to face me. I grab the blanket from her hands and cover us before sliding closer to Sara.
Her hand slips from beneath the covers and Sara runs her fingers through my hair soothingly. Opening my eyes I can see the tears welling in those brown orbs and force my eyes closed knowing that I am causing those tears. That pain. We both know this is wrong, but I talked Sara into it. She might not have feelings for me, but I've known one thing all along; Sara can't say no to me.
I drape an arm over Sara's hip and bury my face in her shoulder. I hold her close hoping to soothe her. The shaking of her body informs me that I have the opposite effect. I cling to her wanting the pain to go away. Wanting her to tell me what is wrong. Wanting so much. Needing to sleep.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Opening my eyes I am disappointed to find myself in an empty bed, but knew it would happen. The spot next to me however is still warm, which means Sara could have only left the bed a few minutes ago. Glancing at the clock my eyes go wide, "Shit!." I scramble out of bed and dash into the bathroom. I only have half an hour to get to work.
After a quick shower, towel drying my hair, and a fresh coat of makeup I leave my bedroom. Glancing at the watch around my wrist I feel accomplished when I discover that I have exactly fifteen minutes to get to work. I grab my shoes and I am hopping around trying to get them on when Sara walks into my view holding a piece of toast and coffee.
I manage to get my shoes on and then take the food and drink from her hands. Without thinking I mumble, "Thanks," and brush my lips against her cheek.
Grabbing my keys I open the door and turn once more to send Sara a small smile of gratitude. Upon seeing the shock written clearly on her face realization hits me of what I did. "I...I...sorry." I sigh defeated, and feeling my spirits deflate a little. She nods at me and I close the door needing to leave. Needing to erase the shock from her face. Shock I know would be followed by anger or disgust.
I take a bite of the toast Sara gave me and rush to my car. "Hey pretty lady." I look up to see Michael getting out of his car.
"Hey."
"Are you leaving without giving me a kiss?" I almost drop my coffee at his words. Guilt courses through me, but unsurprisingly no regret.
"No. No of course not. I'm just running late." Michael walks over to me. His hands fall to my hips pulling me closer and his lips descend to mine. I kiss him back. Allow him to stick his tongue in my mouth without actually feeling anything. No sparks. It's nice, but not the same. My lips are still tingling from their contact with Sara's face. I pull away. "Gotta go."
"Okay," He says; there is a hint of disappointment in his tone. "Be safe. I love you."
"I love you too," I reply knowing that it's not a lie, but it's not the truth either.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My cell phone vibrates against my hip and I remove it from my pocket. I glance down at it. Sara. Looking up at Hodges I send him an apologetic smile. "I've got to take this. Finish without me."
"Oh. Okay. You know Grissom would have ignored it." I can see the slight hurt in his eyes.
"Yeah well I'm not Grissom, and I won't chance ignoring a family emergency." He raises an eyebrow but doesn't continue.
I exit the room. My phone has stopped vibrating. I hit the number one on speed dial and wait for Sara to answer. I make my way towards the front door and step outside for privacy.
"Hi," Sara's quiet voice says on the other end of the line.
"Hey. Sorry I was in a meeting."
"Oh. Sorry." The tone of her voice is making me nervous. She sounds so sad. So lost.
"What's wrong?" I pray to God her mood isn't due to the peck on the cheek I gave her earlier.
"Nothing. Well...I don't know."
"Do you need me to come home? Because I can."
"No, no Cat I'm fine."
"Sara..."
"I think I'm going to find my own place." The world around me seems to come to a screeching halt. My brain is paralyzed.
"O...Oh...um, why?" Find her own place as in move out. I knew this would come eventually, but I wasn't prepared for it.
"I...I just need my own space."
"Alright, I mean if it is what you want."
"I...I do." I can feel my heart shattering once again in the hands of this woman.
"Let me, um, let me know if you need help."
"I will." I can feel the tears forming. The lump in my throat is making it harder to breathe. She's just finding her own place. It's not like I'll never see her again. Still I know this means everything will change. Maybe that's what Sara wants.
Difficultly I swallow around the painful lump in my throat. "I have to get back to work," I whisper.
"Yeah. I guess, I'll, um see you later."
I nod and remember she can't see me. "Breakfast?"
"How about the movies? You said we would go and it is Friday."
"Okay. We'll make plans when I get out of work." It's becoming a little easier to breathe. Thank God, Sara knows how to distract me from myself.
"I've really got to go. Bye Sara."
"Bye...Cat..." I pause waiting.
"Yeah?"
"This is for the best." She doesn't need to elaborate.
"I know," I pause to take a deep breath, "I know it is Sara."
TBC...
