HnG: Ecchi Gaiden
A Hayate the Combat Butler collection
By
EvilFuzzy9
A/N: I love Fumi. I really do (in a totally nonsexual way, of course). She is the funniest character. Any chapter of the manga with her in it is automatically five times better, in my humble opinion. In terms of my favorite characters, pretty much only Nishizawa can come close to matching Fumi. Now if only she wasn't so superfluous to the plot...
Also, in this drabble Sharna seems to have a very British sense of humor (meaning dark and dry with a ninety percent chance of understatement).
Anyways, the funniest thing about this particular drabble, I'd say, is the fact that I was listening to Orochimaru's theme (from the Naruto OST) on loop while writing (part of) it. But only barely.
Ecchi Drabble Eight:
Fumi's Feast Fund Festivity
Fumi Hibino smiled as she sat down to eat with her best friend, Sharna Alamgir. It was lunch hour at Hakuō Academy, and she was famished.
Her stomach audibly growling, Fumi swung open her lunchbox. Orange eyes glimmered with anticipation as the girl prepared to feast on her delicious, nutritious lunch, only to widen when she saw the box was empty, save for a small post-it note.
Bemused and befuddled, she picked up the piece of paper and read it.
'Dear Fumi,
I forgot to pack your lunch.
Love,
Mom ❤'
Fumi gasped in horror, mouth gaping wide in a silent cry as blank white eyes stared uncomprehendingly at the message on the lemon-yellow slip of paper. The rumblings of her empty stomach grew louder, and her heart plummeted into the pit of her abdomen.
Her head spinning and her vision swimming, Fumi swooned, just barely catching herself before she overbalanced and fell backwards out of her seat. She made a choked sort of squeaking sound, her voice half-strangled as she forced herself to remember how to breathe.
Slowly, mechanically, Fumi raised her head to look her friend in the eye, her neck creaking like an un-oiled hinge. Tears were glistening in the corners of her eyes as she pointed silently, her mouth hanging open uselessly, at the nonexistant contents of her lunchbox.
Sharna, ever the foil to Fumi's antics, took one look at her friend's empty lunchbox and blithely stated, "Oh. Well, that's too bad."
This apparently fixed Fumi's vocal cords, as the girl immediately wailed, "It's horrible!"
Tears streaming comically down her face, the orangette latched onto her friend like a limpet.
"I'm so hungry..." she moaned miserably, hanging from an unperturbed Sharna's neck. "I need food!"
Disinterestedly prying her friend off of her, Sharna simply set Fumi back down in her seat and told her, "You could always buy a lunch from the cafeteria, you know."
At those words, Fumi fell from her seat, swooning as though she had been pierced through the heart with a poisoned arrow.
"A...ah..." she said weakly, face pale as she lay on prone on the lunchroom floor. "H-how like you, my friend...you hit my weak-point perfectly..." she said shakily, pulling herself back up by the edge of the table.
Blandly, Sharna said, "Oh, I see. You don't have any money."
Fumi gave a strangled yelp and fell right back to the ground.
"H...how ruthless...as to be expected of my rival..." Fumi whispered faintly.
"So I'm you're rival now, am I..." Sharna mused to herself, taking a can of juice out of her own lunchbox and opening it with a pop and a fizz.
Instantly getting right back onto her feet, Fumi kneeled before Sharna, eyes shut and tears of joy running down her face, and clasped her hands, saying, "Oh, thank you thank you thank you!"
Then she opened her eyes and saw Sharna staring at her blankly, the empty can of juice lying on its side.
"EHHHHH?-!" she wailed hysterically, utterly shocked and horrified by this turn of events, "HOW COULD YOU!-?"
"I was thirsty," said Sharna. "What's it matter to you?"
"Waaah!" Fumi cried theatrically. "I thought you were gonna share your lunch with me!"
"No way. Why would I do something as stupid as that?" Sharna asked rhetorically, looking at Fumi like she was an idiot.
"'Cause we're friends!"
Sharna simply turned her attention back to her lunch, digging into her curry and rice. "If you're going to mooch off of someone, you might as well go all the way," she said.
"Um... All the way...?" Fumi said questioningly.
"Selling your body in exchange for lunch money, of course," Sharna explained blithely.
"No way!" Fumi exclaimed in horror, "I need my body! It's where I live!"
"I don't mean literally," Sharna said, "Though my uncle is conducting a few medical experiments that he needs guinea pigs for, if you're into that sort of thing... But, no, what I meant was becoming a high school escort, or at least seducing an upperclassman into giving you some spare change.
Fumi blinked. "Oh, is that all?" she said. "No problem! I know just the guy!"
Hayate Ayasaki blinked, staring at Fumi Hibino in obvious bewilderment.
"Er..." the butler said slowly, awkwardly moving to pat the orangette on the shoulder in what he hoped was received as a comforting gesture. "I wish I could help you," he told her, "but I don't have any money, either..."
Fumi looked like she was about ready to burst into tears at that news, so he hastily added, "...but you can have the rest of my lunch!"
Fumi squealed happily at this, her stomach growling loudly in anticipation as she held out her hands. A look of absolute gratitude and adoration was on the underclassman's face as she gazed up at Hayate like he was her new god, causing the butler to sweatdrop and sheepishly scratch the back of his neck.
"Here," he said, taking out a small, opened bag of rice crackers and a reusable water bottle, "I wasn't very hungry today, so there's a lot left."
Fumi blinked, her smile dropping slightly as she stared at the proffered items. Gingerly taking them, she looked inside the back of rice crackers and saw that it was indeed still mostly full, and a quick swish-check confirmed the same for water bottle.
"Is... is this... all of it...?" she asked him uncertainly, looking warily around the cafeteria as though expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out from behind the crowds of students with a camera crew in tow.
"Yeah," Hayate said sheepishly, "I really splurged today and got way more than I needed. I'll probably have to skip lunch for a week or two just to balance my budget... but I'm sure you need it more than I do❤"
Fumi was silent, staring guiltily between Hayate and the bag of rice crackers.
"Umm..." she murmured awkwardly. "So... do I pay you now, or later...?"
Hayate laughed warmly, waving a hand dismissively.
"Oh, no, I couldn't possibly take your money," said the perpetually impoverished manservant, as always acting too damn noble for his own good.
Fumi blinked. "Oh," she said, pleasantly surprised. "Okay, then."
Humming cheerfully, she started merrily skipping back to her spot by a deathly glare from Sharna. Well... okay, so maybe it wasn't so much a glare, and maybe Sharna wasn't even actually looking at her, but Fumi knew in her heart what the other girl must have been thinking.
"You're right!" she exclaimed, seemingly out of the blue to those who couldn't follow her internal monologue (i.e., everyone). With that, she turned around and marched right back to Hayate, who was sitting peacefully by himself at his table in the corner.
Slamming her hands on the table, Fumi looked Hayate right in the eye.
"I insist on repaying you!" she declared, her face looking remarkably like an emoticon.
"Ah..." Hayate sweatdropped. "I already said you don't have to pay me back..." he said slightly nervously.
"I didn't mean with money!" the excitable girl shouted, causing Hayate to feel even more nervous.
"Er... But, then, what — ?" he started to say, only to be silenced by a pair of soft, warm lips inexpertly mashing up against his own.
He moaned in surprise, the sound muffled by the junior's lips. He was unable to stay upright as Fumi dragged him under the lunch table, lips still locked with his. He could not muster up any sort of resistance as she fumbled with the zipper of his trousers for a second before undoing it and taking his youthful manhood in hand. And when Fumi pulled out of the kiss, only to aim much lower and go right back down, he soon found that he did not want to resist.
As the bell rang, signaling the end of the lunch period, Fumi emerged from under the table, licking her lips happily and practically skipping out the door as she caught up with her friend.
"You were right, Sharna!" she declared excitedly. "It totally worked!"
Sharna blinked, staring blankly at Fumi.
"What — ? I was joking."
Fumi blinked, staring blankly at Sharna.
"...Wait... does that mean I haven't become sempai's wife, then...?"
Sharna rolled her eyes. "Not unless there was a certified justice of the peace under there with you."
Fumi frowned. "...does sempai count?"
"If he's actually licensed, then sure, why not?" Sharna said dismissively.
Fumi clapped her hands and smiled gleefully, eyes tearing up. "Yay!" she cheered, "I'm the new Mrs Ayasaki!"
Everywhere, the numerous, numerous girls vying for Hayate Ayasaki's affections suddenly sneezed and felt the overwhelming, inexplicable urge to violently and brutally murder something.
TTFN and R&R!
