DISCLAIMERS: No, I sadly don't own 'Castle.' If I did, there would be a Season 9 with the whole cast intact and Baby Lily Castle on the way.

SUMMARY: Post 5x05, 'Probable Cause.' Castle witnesses the final part of Kate's PTSD trifecta when she suffers a serious panic attack after their encounter with Jerry Tyson on the Triborough Bridge.

A/N #1: It always upset me that we didn't see more episodes with Kate's PTSD after 'Kill Shot.' I thought that Stana Katic showed such a wide range of emotions in showing how a person tries to deal with the demons of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I would've loved to have seen more.

A/N #2: The whole Jerry Tyson/Kelly Neiman story arc was my favorite of the series after the Johanna Beckett mythology. Michael Moseley was both frightening and compelling to watch. I was sad when it came to an end.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

CHAPTER 8: Demons in the Darkness

"You killed him, Castle. It's over," Kate's voice was firm as she watched Castle staring into the swirling waters of the East River, where his nemesis, Jerry Tyson, had fallen.

"For now," Castle said, after Kate walked away.

Castle and Kate were quiet in the backseat of the squad car that was driving them to Kate's apartment. Her car was being towed to the NYPD garage for repairs after Jerry Tyson had rear ended them before engaging them in a furious gun fight. Capt. Gates had told them both to go home and she'd get their statements later. For once, she had been sympathetic toward Castle, who had had a nightmarish couple of days.

"Thank you, Officer," Kate said when the squad pulled up in front of her apartment. "Take Mr. Castle home to his family."

"Kate—"

"Go home to your mother and daughter. I'll talk to you soon. Go, Castle," she looked at him, knowing that he was about to argue.

She watched the car drive off before going into her building and taking the elevator up to her floor. She quickly unlocked the door and closed it, putting her keys on a hook by the door. She then walked through her living room to her bedroom, stripping off her clothes along the way. Walking into her bathroom, she turned on the light and looked at herself in the mirror, grimacing when she saw the cut on her face. She opened the medicine cabinet and took out a bottle of peroxide along with some cotton. She then dabbed at the cut, washing away the dried blood. Fortunately, it didn't look like it needed any stitches or even a bandage.

She turned on the water in the shower and stepped inside, allowing the hot water to soak into her bone weary body. It was only then that she finally let the tears that she'd been holding in for two days fall down her face like rain.

She stayed in the water until it grew cold before getting out and drying off, donning a pair of sweat pants and an old NYPD t-shirt. She then walked into her kitchen on bare feet and made a pot of coffee before going into her living room and curling up at the end of her sofa, tugging a throw pillow to her chest. She sat there, staring at the landscape outside of her window. She wasn't sure how long she'd been sitting there when she heard a knock on her door. Throwing the pillow to one side, she got to her feet and went to the door, heaving a sigh when she saw Castle standing on the other side of the door. "Castle, what're you doing here? I told you to go home to your mother and Alexis," Kate said when she opened the door.

"I did spend time with them. We even had lunch. They both insisted that I come and see how you were doing. I tried to call you, but you didn't pick up. Are you okay?" He followed her into the apartment.

"I must've left my phone in the bedroom after I took a shower," she closed the door and locked it.

"Beckett, your phone is right here," he picked it up off of the counter.

"Is it on?"

"Yeah. Are you sure that you're okay?"

"I guess I was distracted."

"Well, it was a long night. I heard on the news that dive teams are still looking for him. How long before they discover that they aren't going to find him?" Castle asked her.

"Castle, he's down there somewhere. We both saw him fall. He didn't just vanish. The East River has claimed thousands of victims. If he doesn't wash up today, he'll wash up somewhere months from now. He's dead," she repeated to him for the tenth time. "He's not one of those killers from a horror movie. By the way, Ryan and Esposito know about us."

"Does Gates?"

"No," Kate shook her head. "I was going to tell them when they did a check of your phone records, but they told me that they already knew. They said that they figured it out on their own because they're detectives, but I think Ryan has known since we went to the Hamptons that weekend and he told Javi when this whole mess started. They said that they wouldn't tell Gates unless they had to."

"What about Lanie?"

"She knows, too. I told her when you were arrested. When they found the emails—"

"Kate, I'm so sorry."

"Castle, you didn't do anything wrong. Like I told you, I never stopped believing you."

"I'm so sorry that you got dragged into something so ugly and sinister because of me."

"Castle," she stepped up, touching her fingers to his lips. "You didn't do any of this. Jerry Tyson did. We're partners, remember?"

"I remember," he wrapped his arms around her, feeling her tuck under his chin as she curled into his chest. "When do we have to give our statements to Gates?"

"Don't worry about it right now. Let's just stay like this for a while."

"Sounds like a perfect plan to me."

"Right now, I want to go to bed and sleep for a few hours. With you by my side," she looked up at him and reached for his hand, before taking him into her bedroom.

Kate pulled her comforter and sheet back before crawling into bed. She lay on her side and smiled while she listened to the already familiar sounds of Castle undressing, his shoes and pants hitting the floor first, and then his shirt dropping to the floor, as well. She then heard him pick the clothes up and place them neatly on a nearby chair before he got into bed beside her and spooned himself around her, his arm draped over her, holding her close to his chest, the steady beat of his heart gradually lulling her to sleep.

When Castle woke up a few hours later, Kate's side of the bed was empty. He sat up and threw off the covers before getting up in search of Kate. The bathroom was empty, so he went into the front room. He didn't see her in the kitchen, but when he looked into the living room he saw her sitting on the sofa, staring into space. "Kate?" He slowly approached her, unsure of what was going on. All he knew for sure was that this had something to do with her PTSD. "Hey, what's going on?"

"I almost lost you," her voice was barely audible. "He was going to kill you and there wasn't anything that I could do about it!"

"Kate, it's okay. He didn't hurt me."

"I can't lose you," she jumped to her feet and ran for the door. "You don't understand! I can't lose you!"

"Kate, stop!" He grabbed her arm, only to have her yank out of his grasp. "Sit down and talk to me."

"I can't. I can't sit down. If I sit down, I see you sitting in that jail cell and I see Martha and Alexis and I see them taking you away and you were so scared and I couldn't do anything to help you and I—"

She was talking a mile a minute and he knew that she'd bolt the second that she could get away from him. "Kate, you're freaking me out just a little bit."

"I tried to sleep, but I kept seeing how scared you looked when I visited with you, Castle. I can't lose anyone else. When I lost my mom, I tried to shut myself off from feeling anything for anybody. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you. I won't lose you. I don't want to do this alone, anymore."

"You don't have to do anything alone anymore, Kate. I'm with you and I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere," he repeated, walking up to her and putting his hands on her shoulders.

Kate settled herself against Castle's broad chest, feeling his arms come around and hold her securely to him. "Can I make a confession?"

"I'm not a priest, but I'll listen to anything that you have to say."

"I love your chest."

"Thanks. I'm rather fond of yours, too."

That earned him a slap to his chest and an eye roll from Beckett before she settled herself against him once again. "Can I make another confession?"

"Should I get a booth?"

"I like it when you hold me. I like that you're taller than me when I don't wear my heels."

"Can I make a confession?" He whispered into the top of her head. "I like that, too. Are we going to stand here the rest of the afternoon making crazy confessions to one another?"

"It keeps me from freaking out."

"If it keeps you from freaking out, then I will stand here and hold you as long as you want. But we're eventually going to get hungry."

"Or, have to go to the bathroom," she added.

"Yeah, there is that."

An hour later, they were sitting on the sofa, eating Chinese takeout while the news aired in the background. Castle was about to take a bite when he noticed that Kate's hand was shaking badly. He looked at the TV and saw that it was the news footage of the search for Jerry Tyson's body. "Kate?" He called out her name, but she didn't hear him. He felt around on the sofa for the remote and clicked off the TV. He then took the food container from her hand and put it on the coffee table in front of them. He noticed that her breathing was becoming more and more rapid. "Kate? Hey, come on. Relax. Look at me, Kate," he sat on the coffee table, forcing her to look at him. He smiled at her, but she didn't smile back. Her breathing was still very fast, but at least she was now focusing on him. "It's okay. I turned off the TV. I'm safe. I'll admit that I was terrified, but I'm okay now."

"I need some water," she finally said.

"Stay here. I'll get it."

He went to the kitchen and got a bottle of water from her refrigerator. Her hand was still shaking when he handed it to her. "Thank you."

"Always," he smiled.

"I didn't even realize that it was happening again."

"What did you do when you had a panic attack when you were alone?"

"I'd just have to wait them out."

"No more."

"No," she leaned toward him and kissed him. "No more. Thank you for being here with me tonight."

Later that night, Kate awoke from a nightmare and instinctively rolled over toward Castle, seeking comfort from him without actually waking him up. She knew that he had to have been exhausted following the past couple of days. She nudged herself under his arm, feeling him curl around her, his lips smudging the top of her head. "Are you okay?" His voice was slurred with sleep.

"Yeah, it was just a bad dream. Go back to sleep. I'm okay now," she brushed her hand over his chest.

"'Kay. Love you," he said as his breathing once again evened out.

"I know," she whispered, watching him sleep and longing for the day when she could say those words back to him. "Me, too."

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