"Now I'm headin' back again,
I got to get to her somehow.
And all the people that I used to know,
They're an illusion to me now."

December 2014

Derek landed in DC with back-to-back cases right away, and part of him was grateful. His initial confidence regarding talking about this waned when he first saw the team. He was still trying to figure out what he needed to say and he couldn't quite get the words formulated. This was several years of heavily concealed feelings he was trying to bust out and share with someone whom he and Emily had both lied to by omission, and it was difficult.

And he was scared. If he was totally honest, he was scared that she would tell him he shouldn't contact Emily, and he should just let her go and move on.

Everyone was so careful with him; they were sad - they knew he'd be leaving the BAU soon, and he didn't tell them about the cancelled interview or Savannah right away. Since none of this required official paperwork yet, Garcia didn't know. They asked him how his Thanksgiving was and he said they'd had a nice time with his mom and sisters, which was true. Then he asked them about theirs. No one picked up on anything off, except for one person. And seeing as that was the person he intended to get some advice from, he didn't mind.

They were on the second of the back-to-back cases in San Francisco, on their way to look at a crime scene, and JJ turned to him in the passenger seat of the car. "What the fuck is up with you, Morgan?"

And he was stunned for a second. He was planning to wait until they got back to Quantico, but JJ had beat him to the punch. He didn't want to talk to the person he was closest with, which was Garcia; he wanted to talk to the person Emily was closest with, which was the person sitting next to him in the car.

He threw caution to the wind, because what was Hotch going to do? Fire him? Derek forgot the case for a minute. He pulled the car over on the side of the road and put it in park. He looked at JJ and stumbled a bit over his words. He settled on, "I ended things with Savannah."

JJ didn't comment on him stopping the car or even look bewildered. "I thought as much, but why? You seemed so happy."

Derek turned in the driver's seat to face JJ. "Because our relationship was missing something and I couldn't keep pretending to be happy without that missing piece," he said.

JJ considered him for a brief moment and said, "I'm confused. You were willing to quit the BAU for her. What was it missing?"

"Quitting the BAU and my relationship with Savannah are two separate issues that came to a head at the same time. I'm still burned out and need to leave. What was missing was the desire for forever. I didn't feel that with Savannah. I felt it before, though, so I know it's something that is possible and I want," he said, still not quite able to make himself get to the crux of the issue.

JJ shook her head at him and played her pawn. "Derek Morgan, I have known you for almost fifteen years. When the hell is it exactly that you felt this?"

Check mate, he thought. And he spilled. "A little over four years ago. With Emily."

She blinked at him slowly, twice. "Prentiss?" she asked for verification.

He nodded.

And JJ laughed. "How the hell did you two pull that off right under our noses?"

Derek let out a relieved breath and felt good about his decision to talk to JJ. He knew she'd care the least about about the secretive part of this, that she'd understand the most. He laughed a little as well, thinking of the crazy absurdity of it all. But then he sobered because it wasn't funny, because Emily wasn't there with him.

"You probably would have figured it out if you were there, but it was right about the time that you were transferred out that you might have picked up on it. We had silly rules to keep it less personal. We were ridiculous and we pretended that it meant less than it did. But there was a time when we let our walls down and that's when I felt it. And I want it back, and I don't know how to do that or if I should, because the whole Doyle thing made such a mess of it all, but mostly because she's in a relationship with Clyde Easter now and it seems really unfair of me to say anything," Derek rushed out.

JJ gave him the lifeline he needed.

She reached her hand out and put it on Derek's shoulder, "I chat with Emily with some frequency, Derek, and she has never once mentioned Clyde Easter to me. So I don't know what's going on there, but I think she'd tell me if she was in a relationship with him."

And it was Derek's turn to blink slowly at JJ. "But she told me she was seeing him," he said quietly.

"When?" asked JJ.

And reality dawned on Derek. And he started crying, figuring it all out. "When she flew out to help find you and she caught me kissing Savannah at the hospital after you were brought there."

JJ's eyes welled with tears as well. She didn't know exactly the depth of all of this, but she could see him struggling so much, and she figured if Emily had made up a story like this about a relationship to combat some sort of sadness, they both must have been going through hell for quite awhile now.

JJ let out a deep breath and patted his shoulder again. "We need to get to that crime scene before Hotch starts wondering why we haven't checked in. And you need to contact Emily. I don't care how you do it, and maybe I'm wrong about Easter, but I don't think I am. You're going to have to reach out first, though, Derek. She's not going to do it. Penelope and I talked to her on her birthday and she thinks you've got both feet out the door on your way to Chicago to be with Savannah."