Chibi-Kari: Well the 10 rule seems to be working out! I'm keeping it in effect for the rest of the story! PS I am brushing over Nationals...just think it happened already. I don't own and I manipulate the characters to my will! Enjoy and I hope to see you back tomorrow!
"How did I get here? And what went wrong? Couldn't handle forgiveness now I'm far beyond gone. And I can hardly remember the look of my own eyes. How could I love this, a life so dishonest, it made me compromise.
-"Save Me" Shinedown
Rachel stood from the bed for the first time that morning, or afternoon as it turned out to be when she looked at the clock on the vanity. Jesse's words hit home more than Mr. Schue's, but she couldn't be sure he meant some of the things he said. Could he really love her? If he did how could be bring himself to leave her? Why did he feel like he had to hurt her when she hurt him? Could she trust him after he did that? Could he forgive her for everything she's done? Could she forgive herself?
She pulled her hair over her shoulder and reached for the hair brush. It wasn't until she glanced up while plating her hair that she realized she no longer recognized herself. Her smile was gone. That sparkle deep in her eyes was absent and left with a dull sheen. She wasn't Rachel Berry* anymore. For the first time since she arrived in New York she realized she wasn't a new Rachel Berry…she wasn't Rachel Berry anymore. She was a scared child that didn't know how to function in the world around her. And now she wanted help. It reminded her of the time her and Daddy were walking down the street in Chicago and she had pointed at the homeless man singing Beatles songs on Michigan Avenue and asked why he was there. Daddy had sighed a little, placing his hand on her shoulder, before telling her that some people needed to hit rock bottom before they could pick themselves up. She had responded, in Rachel fashion, with 'why didn't someone stop him from falling.' Daddy had told her that you couldn't stop someone from making their own choices; that you could only be there for them when they needed you.
She now realized what that meant. If she had wanted to go out like this in her parents' house they really wouldn't have been able to stop her. They could only trust her enough to tell them when she needed help and support her. If they had tried to stop her she would have just done it anyway and resented them. She wouldn't reach out for their help later on. They wanted her to always come to them. That's what they said. Her therapist, Dave, never quite agreed with them, but it was their way of raising her. Rachel had overheard Dave yelling at them one day. He said that it hadn't been healthy for them to do the water/sadness thing growing up. He had said that curtailing around real emotions was detrimental to not only her, but their entire family dynamic. Dave said that she could never feel comfortable with telling them her feelings because of that.
She had to admit he was right. Dad and Daddy didn't know better, but Dave had been right. She had stopped telling them about her feelings because she saw they were uncomfortable with them. She didn't ever want to hurt their feelings, which probably played a big role in the whole Shelby fiasco. She couldn't bring herself to tell her fathers about her treatment at school. The first time she broke down to them she was sent to New York. It wasn't their fault. More than half of it was theirs. She didn't feel comfortable talking to them and they knew it. That stemmed from her early tears, all relating to having two fathers. How can you comfort your child when you don't feel a problem with the reason they're being bullied? They never quite knew what to say. They would just grab her a glass of water to calm her down and say that the kids were just young and uninformed.
"Uninformed by ass." Rachel mumbled to her reflection as she pulled her hair over her shoulder to get started on a french braid.
She didn't censor herself now. She wasn't afraid of her feelings, but she tried to mask them. She could see it. She wasn't fooling herself. The partying and sex were all about deflecting from her real problems. She had gone to therapy long enough to realize this. What she was doing wasn't healthy, but she didn't know how to stop.
Rachel turned to stare at her cell phone. Maybe it was time to reach out. If she hadn't hit rock bottom she was really close. Her hand gripped the small piece of plastic as she tried to sort through her mind what she would say.
With a sigh she pressed one and then the send key. She held her breath as the phone started to ring. Once. Twice. Three times. The answering machine picked up and she tried to choke back a sob. There was her voice singing a little song relating to the family. It was who she was before. She was sure that she didn't even sound like that. Workshops had matured her voice quickly.
She hung up before leaving a message and realized in that moment how angry she was. How really angry she was and it took her a moment before realizing that she couldn't remember the last time she hadn't felt this angry resentment. Why would they have a child if they couldn't find the time for her? They had "recognized" her talent and nurtured it by placing her in class after class. These classes, of course, allowed them to attend all their busy functions. They would go out as a family once every week for a good two hours, but she was lucky if she ever saw them between then. Why would they do this? Why would they subject a child to the torment incurred by having two gay parents if they weren't going to be there to support them? They weren't bad people and she did love them, but this was too much. How could they do this to her?
And Shelby. How could she come into her life like a hurricane and mess everything up just to waltz out because she wanted a family with a baby not her baby? How could she send Jesse in to bring her this information? To plant a tape? How could she pretend to care one day and leave her the next? How could she think she now had any right to her life? Did she think that with some well placed words that Rachel would decide to be a big sister to Beth? Did she think that her stupid crappy gift of a cup would change that she was a bitch to her? Did she think it made up for all the pain she had felt as a child? Did she really think that Rachel hadn't needed her? If she did she was delusional and Rachel wasn't about to let that type of crazy in her life.
And Jesse. God, Jesse. She had loved him with everything. He was everything Finn wasn't, but how much of that was a lie? How many of the things he said were just acting exercises? How much did he do for Shelby? How the hell could he even do that? How could he think it was a good idea to just waltz into her life and ruin it? How could he play with her heart like that? And better yet, how could he justify coming back today? How could he say that he was angry with her? That he had any right to be angry with her! He probably came today just because she was making it. He felt the need to crush her when she was having success. Or maybe it was worse; he wanted to attach himself to her just as she got famous. Then he could play on that from the other coast. Lovers torn apart by distance, but intensely successful. He had no right to judge her when he played these games.
No one had any right to judge her! They were more screwed up than she was! Look at the damn glee kids. All of them had screwed up lives, but chose to judge her. They acted like they were better than her. Half the time Kurt looked like a transvestite! And Mercedes didn't have a genre range, but complained when she didn't get a song or could sing a song. Tina hid behind a damn fake stutter. Puck and Finn were just douches. Santana and Quinn, bitches. Brittany…stupid. Mike and Matt…well they didn't even talk! How could any of these people judge her?
They couldn't. They had no right. She didn't need them. She didn't want them. After all the crap they all put her through. She didn't want a part of that ever again. She couldn't forgive them. No…that wasn't it. She wouldn't forgive them. They had done too much and thought they could just waltz back into her life and tell her she was making a mistake. How would they know? She was where she wanted to be. She was where she needed to be. She had everything she wanted. Rachel Berry didn't need them to make a name for herself and she proved that. She proved that by making friends. She proved that by getting a role. Not by the means she would have liked, but you had to start somewhere. She always said she would do what it took to get where she wanted to be and now she had. She had everything she wanted.
Her conscious whispered a small, "and no one to share it with." She pounded that down. She didn't need anyone. She hadn't had anyone yet. Her success just proved that she was fine all on her own. She didn't need someone to use or abuse her anymore. She had her own ideas.
And if they thought she would ever forgive them they had another damn thing coming to them. She wouldn't. What had they done for her except cause her undue heartache and pain? They didn't support her until after she got egged and then what had Kurt said? Someone thing about no one but them being allowed to mess with her. No. It should have been, "no one can mess with her." She was sick that she allowed them that power over her. That she had allowed anyone that power over her and she would never ever forgive herself for that.
She wasn't screwing up her life now. No. She had screwed it up before. Choosing glee club over her own happiness again and again. That was her fault. Thinking Finn, Puck, or Jesse could really love her. That was her own fault. Thinking Shelby would want to open her life. Believing naively that everything would be okay if she just kept to the path. Those were all her own fault and she would never forgive herself for believing those things.
She opened her dresser forcefully, pulling out a black minidress that she had bought with Alicia and Ashley the week before. She hadn't worn it yet, but tonight was the perfect night. They were going to celebrate Ashley's minor role in the same play. She had gotten the call this morning and sent out a mass text to everyone. They wouldn't be going out to dinner in style before hitting up one of the alcohol free raves. Or as Alicia liked to call them, "pill city." No alcohol didn't mean no fun. It just meant a whole different type. One that didn't always mean the best morning after, but it was still great while it happened.
Rachel glanced at herself in the mirror before checking the clock. It was just past seven at night and they were meeting in a half hour. She had spent hours sitting in front of the vanity and hours before that talking to people from her past. It was a wasted day if there was any in her book.
Alicia had been moving in and out of the room for the past hour. At one point she came in to drop water bottles full of cheap wine in her large purse for dinner. It was a secret. The disgusting merlot just happened to look like the Raspberry Lemonade that you mix with water. They would sometimes bring these to restaurants that they weren't sure would id them. Mario's could go either way depending on the waiter. If it was a cute guy he could care less about what they ordered as long as they flirted a little. If it was a woman…no chance in hell.
Rachel looked herself over one more time and smiled brightly. She didn't need anyone or anything and she wouldn't feel guilty a moment longer. She may not be the same Rachel Berry, but she didn't see how she needed to be. No one could control her anymore. She wouldn't let them make her feel anything. They wouldn't have that power over her again.
