19 January 2011
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters
Warning: This story contains slight description of rape. Rated M for a reason. Also contains lemons and language. Please do not read if under the age of 18.
Chapter Eight
~Bella Swan~
My head felt groggy. I could feel my eyes struggling to open due to lack of moisture. I could feel the heat of the sun shining through the window as it was beating down on my awaking body. For a brief moment I felt numb. That was until I recalled my conversation with Rosalie. So it wasn't just a dream?
There were multiple reasons to prove that point. The first – it wasn't a nightmare like I had been experiencing these past few days that had awoken me up. I'll be the first to admit that Rosalie's story was no fairy tale or a walk in the park to hear, but I would gladly take that over the nightmares any day. Second – there was something inside of me that I couldn't place right away. It was a mixture of longing and hurt with confusion added to it. That coupled with a slight bit of optimism made me realise I had awoken feeling slightly hopeful. And thirdly – I could hear the birds singing outside along with the beeping of early morning traffic and busy pedestrians making their way into the office. That was definitely different to the previous buzzing I heard every moment of every day for the past week. It was like I had come to a new understanding overnight and now had a whole new prospective on life.
In a way that was kind of what happened. Rosalie's experience had opened my eyes to what my future may hold. She had a great life – someone she loves and loves her back, her dream job and a wonderful family – and hearing about her whole healing process made me realize that maybe I could eventually be in the same position, which she readily pointed out. We both knew there was a long road ahead for me, but at least now I could see the destination in mind. All hope was not failed.
I wanted a normal life. My normal life, and to get that back I had to start acting how I did before this whole nightmare began.
With that thought I glanced at the clock noting that it was past 9.30. It felt good that I had slept through the whole night without one nightmare. I hoped there were many nights like that in the future.
The first step to normalcy was getting ready for the day. I took a long, overdue shower and picked out some comfy clothes. It wasn't as if I would be wondering outside today so I wasn't bothered by what I was wearing. I may be ready to go back to normal life but I couldn't do it all at once, I had to start with baby steps and a pace that suited me.
I walked in to the kitchen in search of food. I didn't want to eat but I knew I needed too. The sight that met me when I looked in the mirror was not Bella Swan. I looked ill. You could practically see my bones. As expected there was no food. I hadn't been shopping in a while and what I did have stocked I didn't fancy eating. It all seemed unappetizing.
I had to eat something so settled for a bowl of dried cereal. Like I said, very unappetizing. I forced the majority of it down before starting the cleaning; it was shocking the amount of dust that was collected over a week.
The rest of the morning I got my apartment back in order. I returned messages that had been left on my voicemail, paid bills and washed a couple of loads of laundry. I even managed to get some studying done. I had only missed a week of classes so I would be okay to catch up when I decided to return to school.
I managed some time to relax a little. I sat on my favourite chair in the living room. My grandfather left it to me when he passed 3 years ago. Most of my childhood memories involve him sitting in this chair with me perched on his lap while he read to me.
He was the one who got me to love reading so much. There was many times when we would have conversations for hours at a time about the latest books we were reading. He was also the one to introduce me to my love of the classics. For my high school graduation, instead of a trip to Europe or a brand new car, he brought me the first edition of Pride and Prejudice. It was the best present I could have ever had asked for. I hated that he spent so much money but I knew there was no point in arguing with Grampy. Both grandparents came from old money so it was never an issue. It was the last present he ever gave me, and that made me treasure it even more.
His death also explained the sizable trust fund that I had sitting in the bank. You could say it was quite a shock when I was told about the fund on my 21st birthday. Along with it was a letter. In the letter my Grampy described how he wanted me to use the money for something that was important to me. I decide when I chose my major that I would combine both of our loves for books and open a book shop with the fund. That led me to majoring in business with a minor in literature. I was making the best out of both worlds.
I had always been close to both my grandparents but when Grampy died, Grammy Swan became my new best friend and confidant. Her opinion meant the most to me and I always went out of my way to get it. She always had confidence in me. She never questioned my decisions whether she agreed with them or not. But whenever something went downhill she was always there to lend a hand or a shoulder to cry on. She was the only person who hadn't bothered me this past week and I was grateful. I never would have been able to talk to her without breaking down completely. I decided then and there that I would give her a call once things were relatively normal.
The knocking at my front door brought me out of my thoughts. I wasn't expecting anyone so I wondered who it could be. These days, however, whether I was expecting visitors or not I still got them.
I swung the door open and the sight before me didn't surprise me.
"Edward, what are you doing here?" I asked with a smile. I was feeling better already.
"Hey…uh… I figured you need some necessities." He raised his arms to show the grocery bags he was holding with a shy smile on his face. It surprised me that a man who looked like a god could still be an awkward, stumbling boy. I smiled in response and stood out the way to let him through.
"You better come in then."
He walked straight to the kitchen and placed the bags down. I followed him and curiously noted a book he was holding under his arm. It looked like an album of sorts.
"Thank you, you didn't need to do this," I said.
"It's fine and I figured you wouldn't be feeling up to going out on your own at the moment." He froze when the words left his mouth and started to cover them up instantly. "Shit…I didn't mean that. I don't mean to tell you how you're feeling or tell you what to feel. I know that's not possible. But if it was me then I think maybe I would feel like that. Obviously I'm not in that position so I have no idea what I'm talking about so I'm just going to stop talking now. Sorry." He stopped his rambling and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Edward, it's fine. I didn't even think that in the first place," I felt guilty again about how I had spoken to him before. I knew we both had apologized but things were still awkward. "I really am sorry about what I said to you. I was…confused and angry. I bottled everything up for too long and as soon as someone said the wrong thing I lost it. You were just unlucky enough to be on the other side of my wrath." I dropped my eyes to the table feeling ashamed.
"Hey, I meant what I said last night. There's nothing to be sorry about but I accept it anyway. How about we both just forget everything over the past few days a go back to coffee shop Bella and Edward?" He grinned crookedly awaiting a response.
I grinned in response and nodded my head in agreement.
"Awesome, now how about we put all this away and I fix you up the most famous, delicious, out of this world mac and cheese made by yours truly?" He winked cheekily.
I raised my eyebrows, "You're playing with the fine line between cocky and confidence Mr Cullen."
"Confident, Miss Swan, confident. And I have every right to be," he replied while putting the groceries away.
"I think you may need to prove that to me, I'm not sure I believe you," I joked.
"Ohh, after your first bite, I will have you eating your words as well as my mac and cheese." he chuckled.
A while later we were both sitting at the kitchen counter eating the food Edward had prepared. Just like he said it was delicious. But I couldn't make myself eat it, I wasn't hungry. I knew Edward was worried, I could see the concern in his eyes. He had nothing to worry about; it wasn't as if I was purposely not eating.
"So, how's everyone doing? I didn't really get the chance to talk to anyone the other day." I asked Edward. I was generally curious. Even though I had only met Alice, Rose, Emmett and Jasper a couple of times we had instantly bonded. We weren't the best of friends but I would like to get to know them more. Maybe they could be part of my recovery. Isn't having people that care about you by your side a good thing?
"They're good, I think. I haven't really spoken to them a lot. I've had a lot going on with classes and work and everything." He replied.
" I hope I see them soon, there good people." I stated.
Edward looked at me, smiling softly, "Your friends are good people too you know."
My eyes darted away from his before I mumbled a response. "I know, I'm just not ready. I wont leave then too long though." He just nodded his head and smiled in encouragement.
While Edward finished his food I just picked at mine. I didn't want to be rude but I really wasn't hungry, no matter how good it was.
"Are you okay?" Edward asked.
"Oh yeah I'm fine." I smiled as convincingly as I could. Edward didn't look fooled.
"Well, with the way you are picking at that plate I guess you don't think my cooking skills are as good as I thought. I think that's a blow to my ego." He chuckled lightly trying to make a joke but I could see the concern shining through.
"No, it's delicious, honestly. It's the best I've had actually. I'm just not in the mood for it."
"Do you want something else? I don't mind making something." He asked.
"It's not this; I'm just not in the mood for food in general." I chuckled lightly. He stared at me for a moment with a frown placed on his face.
"Okay, but will you promise to tell me if things get worse?" He asked.
"I'm not a child Edward. I don't need to tell you when I am and aren't eating. I'm just not hungry, I'm not ill."
"I didn't mean it like that. Bella, I can count the amount of bites you have taken on both hands. It will just make me feel better and worry less about you. I want to help and this is the only way I know how." He was pleading and I could see how much it meant to him for me to do this. I couldn't say no.
I huffed, "Fine, but I still think you're overreacting."
He smiled softly, "Thank you." He didn't need to thank me but it did annoy me he was treating me like a child. That may not be his intention but that's how I felt. I would eat and show him I was fine. It wasn't as if I was starving myself. It was only my first day of trying to get better. I needed to take baby steps.
We both got up and started cleaning. I insisted he didn't need to but he offered to help. We stood side by side in comfortable silence while I washed and he dried. We didn't talk; there was no need for it. We were both the same like that; we didn't need to fill a moment of silence with endless chatter.
It felt nice to just be able to hang out with someone other than myself for once. I didn't want to get stuck in a rut. I knew that to avoid that I had to get of my apartment eventually but I had to pluck up the courage first. Maybe it would happen as a group event like going to the movies or to a restaurant. Either one, I think it would make me more comfortable and take my mind of things.
I started wiping the counter down where Edward's album had been placed. I felt my curiosity begin to grow again. He hadn't mentioned it and I wondered if he had just forgotten about it or if I was supposed to ask about it.
"What's this Edward?" I pointed at the album.
"Oh yeah," he said realizing it was there. "This is an album, I brought it in case you needed cheering up but you seemed to be in good spirits." I nodded in response still looking at it intently.
"Can I…?" I asked indicating that I wanted a closer look.
"Sure." I made my way around the counter and picked it up carefully.
I studied the cover before opening it. It seemed delicate but not old. It was maroon leather that had a string around to keep it in place. At the top in gold printed writing the initials 'E.A.M.C' were written. The whole album was beautiful.
"What does 'E.A.M.C' mean?" I asked curiously, running my hand over the writing.
"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen," he replied. I smiled at him and turned my attention back to the book. I opened it up and started flicking through the pages. I didn't concentrate on an individual photo; I just took a quick glance at each of them.
As I searched through the pages, I noticed they were in chronological order. The beginning pages started when Edward was just a newborn and still in hospital. The further you got to the end of the album the older Edward got. It showed Edward growing up through the years. Some of the photos were just him on his own while others included his friends and family. The majority were with Carlisle and a beautiful woman. She was basically a female version of Edward so I assumed it was Esme. Others were with Emmett and Alice, some even with Jasper and Rosalie. There was an odd one or two which included him with complete strangers. I could only assume they were other relatives and friends.
Some of the photos looked entertaining and like they had great stories behind them. Isn't that why we have photos like this, to document a particular moment in time? I couldn't believe how beautiful he was in all of them, even his slightly awkward teenage years.
I looked at him as he finished putting the last of the dishes away. Even when he wasn't trying he was still stunning. Someone like he could never want someone like me. maybe before the but not now. Not now that I was screwed up and worthless.
Even though I was in no state of mind to have these thoughts running through my head, I couldn't stop them from flowing. Each and every one of them helped break my heart piece by piece.
That night I got into bed feeling like I had made a good start to being normal. But I was scared. I didn't know what the next step was and I wondered whether I was ready to take it. To be honest, I wanted to be out of this apartment but I couldn't be brave enough to drag myself away from the safety of my own home. I needed some motivation or someone to pull me out. I felt too vulnerable to go out in the public like that, especially on my own. I came to the conclusion that I would go with someone and take one step at a time. I would start by going to small places and then venture out from there.
I felt my eyelids dropping from exhaustion. I was surprised I had made it this long without dropping dead at my feet. I had moved today rather than sit on my ass and done jack shit, I could feel the effects warring on me. As my vision started to blur around the edges and my breathing started to even out one last thought entered my head. Let's hope for a dreamless night.
I shot up in my bed. That nightmare was worse than the others. I couldn't breathe. It was coming out in short gasps and I couldn't seem to control it. It was the same nightmare but a lot more intense. He spoke this time. It was a gruff voice that I didn't recognise. I knew for a fact that I hadn't heard it before. That was what worried me the most. It kept telling me how stuck I was. He provoked me by telling me no one wanted me and I was just a pain. It was trying to break me. And it was doing a good job of it. I was panicking and couldn't calm myself down. Tears were pouring down my face and I was trying to hold in the sobs. I turned the light on.
Both the darkness and silence was giving my shivers despite the sweat running down my forehead. I heard creaking coming from the other side of my bedroom door. I knew no one was there but the fear inside of me was saying that that didn't matter. The clock said 2.43 am. At least I had slept for a little while. My hands were shaking as I fumbled to get my phone. I instantly pulled up his number and called without hesitation. I would think of the consequences tomorrow.
"Hello?" I heard his groggy voice on the other end and it relaxed me slightly. I couldn't control the sobs that flowed through my body. The voice just kept running through my head.
"Edward," I sobbed. That was the most I could say.
"Bella, what is it? What happened?" I couldn't answer him.
"Beautiful, please calm down. I can't understand what you are saying." His voice sounded so tortured and I hated making him feel this way.
"Okay, how about a story? Did you know Emmett use to do gymnastics? It was kind of odd seeing such a big bloke doing the splits and wearing leotards but it was hilarious." It wasn't working. Telling me about Emmett just reminded me of the nightmare when the shadow turned into him. All I could see was them cold gray eyes piercing through me.
"No, no, no!" I sobbed.
"Okay, okay. It's okay. Umm… what else? Bella lay down for me, Beautiful. Get comfortable and put your phone on loudspeaker. Can you do that for me?" he crooned.
"Yes," I whispered. I got into position like he told me to and place my phone next to me on the bed.
"Now, close your eyes and imagine you're somewhere peaceful and relaxing, maybe a beach or a meadow. Take a couple of deep breaths for me, Beautiful, that's it." I could hear him taking the breaths with me over the phone. I had started to calm down.
"Close your eyes and relax, as if you're going to sleep." I did what he said and tried to relax my body. He started to hum a tune I was unfamiliar with but instantly calmed me further. It was a beautiful sound that lulled me to unconsciousness. I had to remember to ask what it was later.
The humming stopped and I heard a sigh and soft whisper.
"Good night baby."
Definitely dreaming.
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