A/N: Sorry I haven't updated! I had a very big exam today and I was studying all last night…

My friend told me that I missed Robert Sean Leonard singing! But she was laughing so hard she couldn't hear whether he was good or not. Why does House never air here? Sigh…

Anyway, since you've discovered part of Wallace's evil master plan, I guess it's time to find out the rest!


"Um, are you sure about this?"

House could not deny that he was sort of nervous. The masseuse was a rather large, well-muscled man and loomed over House, who was now lying on the massage table.

"Don't worry, Dr House," the masseuse answered calmly, "I used to work for a chiropractor."

"Then why don't you work there now? Were you fired?" House knew he was panicking a bit unnecessarily, but still…

The masseuse chuckled and said, "No, I wasn't fired. The chiropractor retired. I took a massage course and now I combine both methods. It will help you, I promise."

House let out a breath and nodded.

"If you hurt me, I will sic my best friend's girlfriend on you."

"Is that a particularly dangerous threat?"

"Very," House said solemnly. "Amber sharpens her talons- I mean, files her nails- every day."

The masseuse chuckled again. "All right, Dr House, are you ready?"

"Yes…?"

"Okay. This won't really hurt. In fact, it sounds worse than it is."


Lisa was getting a pedicure just down the hall of the spa. She couldn't help but think that the shout she just heard came from House. She knew it was paranoid, but then again, House might overreact to the massage since he didn't seem to want one in the first place.

The pedicurist didn't seem to notice the shout, though. When she felt Lisa's eyes on her, she said,

"Don't worry. A lot of people shout like that when they get the knots out of their back by the head masseuse, Ivan. He seems intimidating, but he's really very kind. He used to work for a chiropractor, you know."

Lisa nodded.

"How crazy would you think I am if I told you that the shout probably came from my boyfriend?"

The young woman smiled kindly.

"I wouldn't think you were crazy. Your boyfriend, on the other hand…"

Lisa laughed.

"You'd be right. My boyfriend is a lunatic. An interesting, funny, sweet lunatic, but a lunatic nonetheless."

The pedicurist looked up at Lisa and stuck out her lower lip.

"No fair! I always wanted a lunatic for a boyfriend. Instead I'm married to a plain, boring, normal man…"


House sat up from the massage table. The spot where Wallace had kicked him did feel a lot better. But he NEVER WANTED TO DO THAT AGAIN!

"Have a nice day, Dr House," Ivan said politely.

House, still a little shaken up, responded with a spacey, "Yeah…" and went to find Lisa.

He peeked into the open doors along the hall, eventually seeing Lisa getting her nails done at a small table near the front of the room.

Lisa saw him and smiled.

"Hey, you. How did the massage go?"

House shuddered.

"Never. Again."

Lisa laughed and said,

"That bad?"

"Yes. And I'm hungry," he whined.

"All right," Lisa said, rolling her eyes. "We'll get lunch after my manicure, ok?"

House just nodded. He was too preoccupied looking at one of the hotel's maids in the hallway. Hadn't he seen her this morning?

"All done," the manicurist declared, starting to clean the table.

Lisa admired her nails for a few moments before showing them to House. He smiled, though he didn't actually get what was special about the nails. He just wanted to make her happy.

"Do you want to head up to the restaurant now?"

"Yeah. But can we go get my earrings first?" Lisa asked hopefully.

House rolled his eyes but agreed.

Lisa linked her arm through House's, waved good-bye to the friendly pedicurist, and the pair headed for the elevator.


Lisa hurried into the bedroom and to the dresser. She opened the box and gasped at what she saw.

Her earrings were missing!

Lisa nearly tore the place apart looking for them. When they were nowhere to be found, she threw herself onto the bead, sending the pillows scattering all over the floor.

House came into the room to see what was going on and frowned when he saw Lisa sobbing into the bed.

"Lise? What's wrong?"

She shook her head, not wanting to tell him.

"Come on, what is it?"

She looked up at him, her eyes red from crying.

"Promise you won't be mad?"

"I promise."

She took a shaky breath,

"I lost my earrings."

House frowned.

"Where did you have them last?"

"They were in the box on the dresser," she sniffled. "I looked all over but I can't find them anywhere!"

"Hm…did the maid already come in to clean up? Maybe she took them, or someone slipped in while the door was unlocked."

Lisa sniffled again and rubbed her eyes. "I'll call the manager. Maybe someone just…I don't know, knocked them over or broke them and brought them to the front desk."

She went to the telephone and sat down on the couch to call the front desk. Sensing that she was really upset, House sat down beside her and put his arm around her shoulders.

"Hello, this is Dr Lisa Cuddy in Room 132. My earrings have gone missing…No, they were right on top of the dresser, in their box…I didn't think anyone would take them…"

House watched as her face fell.

"You haven't seen them at all? Yes, I understand…you'll let me know if you see anything? All right, thank you. Good-bye."

Lisa sighed.

"They'll turn up," House said softly, pushing a lock of hair back behind her ear.

Lisa sighed again.

"I sure hope so."

They sat there in silence for a little while before it was broken by House's growling stomach.

Lisa couldn't help but laugh.

"Let's go have lunch now, ok?"


House and Lisa were sitting in the restaurant. They'd already ordered and were waiting for the waitress to bring their lunch when they were suddenly hit by Déjà Vu.

"LISA!" A very annoying voice sang out loudly.

Lisa groaned. Could this day get any worse?

Wallace had thankfully changed out of his bathing suit, and was now wearing a dark pink shirt with ruffled sleeves, red pinstripe pants, and a black vest. Overly expensive Italian leather shoes and a gold tie completed his strange outfit.

"Lisa! I heard that you were missing your earrings! Would these happen to be yours?"

He offered the earrings to her.

Lisa gasped and snatched them from his hand.

"Bastard! You stole my earrings!" She accused heatedly.

"No, no! Not I ! I found a maid holding them and I thought they looked just like the ones you wore at the party last night."

Lisa eyed him suspiciously.

"Even if you are telling the truth, this is your fault and I know it."

Wallace ignored her.

"I have done something for you. Now you have to do something for ME."

Lisa frowned. "And what might that be?"

"I already told you! I need you to go on a date with me!"

House raised his eyebrows. "Lisa?"

"There is NO WAY I'm going on a date with you, Wallace. Forget it."

"Oh, COME ON! I NEED you to do this!"

"Why? There are plenty of women out there who are stupid enough to go out with you! Or you could bribe the greedy ones."

"NO! I need YOU! Someone smart and pretty! So that my mother will approve!"

Lisa arched an eyebrow. "Your mother?"

Wallace sighed dramatically.

"I may have told my mother that I have a beautiful and intelligent girlfriend to keep her off my back. And NOW she wants to visit with me. If she finds out I'm a liar I'll have to move back in with her."

House was trying his best not to laugh. But alas, his best was not good enough, and he was bent over the table with hysterical laughter.

"Your mother will make you move back in with her?"

Wallace frowned. "Well, Mummy says that I must have someone to 'look after me.'"

House laughed harder.

"MUMMY?"

"What?" Wallace said defensively. "She insists that I call her that."

"Wow, this woman really has your balls in a blender, doesn't she?"

Wallace looked rather defeated.

"Listen, Wallace," Lisa said. "I'm sure there are plenty other women who are smart and pretty who would be willing to meet your mother."

"PLEASE LISA!" Wallace begged. "YOU SIMPLY MUST DO THIS FOR ME! ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU COME TO DINNER WITH MY MOTHER AND ME!"

Lisa couldn't stand this grovelling. She sighed harshly.

"All right. I will help you, but it will be on MY conditions and you WILL follow my rules."

"Yeah, or else I'll cane you in the nuts!" House added gleefully. At Lisa's sharp look, he said, "What? I'm only trying to help!"

"Ok, Wallace. If I do this for you, you will NOT bother House and me EVER AGAIN. Also, you will NOT follow us around to annoy us or to break us up. AND NO MORE PUSHING MY BOYFRIEND INTO POOLS!"

Wallace nodded pitifully.

"Rules!" Lisa started. "NO touching me unless I say it's ok."

"NO KISSING!" House put in.

"No kissing during dinner. For realism, I will hug you good-bye or PERHAPS kiss you ON THE CHEEK, but that's IT, you understand?"

"I understand," Wallace whimpered.

"Good."

"Can I come with you?"

Lisa turned to House.

"What, and tell Mrs Wallace that I have two boyfriends?"

"No. I'll pretend to be…your brother or something."

"You do realise that we look nothing alike, don't you?"

"Then I'm your half-brother or step-brother. I don't want to leave you all alone around these awful Wallace people."

Lisa rolled her eyes at her boyfriend's protectiveness but agreed.

"Ok," she said to Wallace. "When is this dinner?"

"THANK YOU SO MUCH!" Wallace cried gratefully. "She'll be here Saturday, so Saturday night around…seven?"

Lisa reluctantly agreed and cursed the Jewish guilt that was making her accept such an offer.

What was she getting herself into?


A/N: I know Wallace seems like a simpering imbecile right now. I almost feel bad. Soon we'll meet Mrs Wallaceson!

Oh, joy.

Please tell me how you like it!

XD Sharky