Chapter 8
We took off early the next morning. I rode on the back of Merle's motorcycle with Daryl. It felt great to have the wind in my face and to feel my hair blow back. But our surroundings were anything but lovely. Everywhere I looked I saw nothing but death, including the faces of my travel companions. Carol's death did nothing but remind us that our time is limited and we shouldn't waste it. Poor Sophia had barely said a word since her mother died. She mostly kept to herself, she wouldn't even talk to Carl. I tried on several occasions to get her to open up about everything but she did nothing but shut me out. "Everyone grieves in their own way." Lori had said to me one night. I just shrugged and walked away.
Once again we had camped on the highway for the night. The vehicles needed gas and we needed supplies. I helped Shane cipher gas out of a few cars. We worked in silence until he finally broke the peace. "No one blames you." He said, looking away from his gas can and right at me. I rolled my eyes and looked away from him. "You can stand there and put up that bad ass front for everybody, but I know you believe that everything was your fault. I'm telling you it wasn't." He turned his attention back to his work.
"Everyone keeps saying that," I finally said to him, "but I don't know if I believe it."
"It's the god's honest truth. That could have been any of us out there. You found that little girl not once, but twice. Carol was thankful for that. Hell, we all were. Don't be so hard on yourself. You can't save everyone."
"I can't save everyone? I never thought I could! You don't know me, Shane. You don't know how my life was before all this shit happened. You don't know my past. How can you say anything like that about me?"
Shane stood up and looked me in the eyes. His eyes were so fierce and piercing that I couldn't escape his gaze. I felt frozen, I couldn't move away even if I tried. Finally he spoke. "You came into this group as a stranger, much like the rest of us. But you took over responsibilities that indicated that you were family. You have shown nothing but compassion and trust since you arrived. You're good people, Brenna. Just like Daryl."
With that he put the cap back on his gas can and added, "I really am sorry for how I treated you when we first met." Then he walked away.
I didn't know how to take any of that. All I wanted to do was scream and cry and just run away. I didn't ask for any of this, nor would I have ever, but this is how the world is now apparently. It's all one big cruel joke. I sat down and leaned up against a car. My head hurt and I was hungry but there was nothing I could do about any of that. Finally I laid my head in my hands and started to cry.
I didn't cry because I was sad. I was tired. Physically and emotionally. I didn't understand why things were turning out the way there were and that infuriated me. I wondered how much left I had in me. Would I be able to ride this thing out till the end? Will there ever be an end? Are these people my family now? So many questions but none of them are going to ever be answered.
I felt someone sit down next to me. I uncovered my face and saw Sophia sitting, starting at me. "Sophia, you scared me." I said, wiping my face with the sleeve of my shirt. "What are you doing?"
"I came to talk to you." She said. "I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry I took off again. I wanted to kill more walkers, just like you showed me. But after a while, I got overrun. Everywhere I looked I was surrounded by them. That's when you and mom showed up. And then when she got bit…" Her words trailed off. She wiped her face and tried to continue. "She got bit…and…and it's all my fault!" Sophia started sobbing uncontrollably. I reached over and grabbed her. I held her tightly against my chest. I could feel her shaking. "Shhh…it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. Unfortunately these things happen and no one blames you." I stroked her hair and waited for her to stop crying.
We sat there for what seemed like forever before we finally got up to go to bed. I made sure she got to her sleeping bag safely and then I went looking for Daryl.
I found him cleaning his arrows by the RV. "Where are we sleeping tonight?" I asked as I walked up to him. "Don't know yet." He replied. "Where've you been?"
"Consoling Sophia. She thinks all of this is her fault."
"In a way it kinda is."
"Daryl, you can't say that. She's just a little girl."
"Well, Bren it's the truth. Little brat shoulda just stayed put. Her momma would still be here if it weren't for that."
I stared at my husband in disbelief. I couldn't believe how cold he was being, and towards a child none the less. I shook my head and folded my arms across my chest. "Where is everyone?" I asked him. "Rick and Shane took Carl to get supplies. Don't know where Andrea, Lori or Glenn are at. Everyone else is in the RV."
"Why didn't you go with them?" I asked him.
"Just felt like stayin' back."
"Hmm…" I stared at my feet for a little bit while he continued to clean his arrows. I kicked a rock and watched it fly through the air and land on the top of an old car. It made a loud bang that made him jump. I giggled at him. "Not funny, I'm gun shy." He said laughing as well.
"Daryl?"
"Yeah."
"Where were you really that morning?"
"Told you I went hunting."
"Don't lie to me."
"What are you talking about Brenna? I aint lyin to ya. I woke up and went hunting. What do I have to hide?"
"I'm not stupid," I said as I looked at him. I had known that Daryl had been cheating on me for a few weeks. I just never got the courage to confront him about it. Now seemed like the best time to do it with the world ending and all. "I know all about that blonde that runs that redneck bar you're always raisin' hell at."
Daryl put his arrows down and leaned in towards me. "I don't know what you're talking about." He said. I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Don't believe me?" He asked. "What do you think?" I responded. Then he slapped me. Right across the face. My left cheek felt like it was on fire. I brought my hand to my face instinctively and looked at him. My mouth was hanging wide open from the shock of being struck. He's never done this before. And I'm gonna make sure he will never do it again.
I drew back and punched Daryl right in the mouth, busting his lip and bloodying his nose. "Jesus Christ, Brenna!" He exclaimed as he pulled his hand away from his mouth and spitting out blood. "You ever touch me like that again, I swear to God I'll break more than just your nose. That's a promise." I warned him and then stormed off.
