But if you disappear you'll still hear when my heart hits the ground
Then
"Look what I have," Maura smiled as she sat down opposite of Jane for lunch. Mrs. Rizzoli immediately spotted the pair from her perch behind the front counter of the coffee shop, scurrying over to the table before either woman had a chance to react.
"Ohh wedding magazines!" Mrs. Rizzoli clasped her hands together in delight, looking down to the items Maura had brought to the table along with her lunch. "It's about time you got Janie to look at some of these." She raised an eyebrow at her daughter. Jane only scowled.
Maura looked up and smiled pleasantly at the woman she had grown to love as mother figure of her own. "Yes, I brought them bec-"
Maura was immediately interrupted by Jane, her tone dripping in annoyance. "Ma, why don't you go back there and make us the most complicated thing you have on the menu, kay?"
"Obviously I'm not wanted here," Mrs. Rizzoli frowned, sighing dramatically, and Maura opened her mouth to protest politely, but Angela continued instead, "You can't hide from it forever, Janie," she warned, and then she turned to Maura. "If she won't pick, I leave it all in your hands. In fact, we may just be better off if we do that, regardless," she added before she returned to her post.
"God, I'm gonna kill her," Jane sighed, running a hand through her dark curls. "And I'm gonna kill you too, Maur," she glared at her best friend, who in turn looked away in a somewhat guilty manner. Jane snatched up a magazine, paging through it quickly. "Yep, I hate it all."
"Oh, stop," Maura tutted, picking up the other magazine, flipping to a page with an elegant, yet simple dress. "I think this one suits you perfectly," she encouraged, turning the magazine to show Jane. Jane only scrunched her nose, followed quickly by an eyeroll.
"You must like something," Maura sighed. "It is your wedding after all. It's only natural for you to have some sort of excitement as you anticipate this joyous day."
"What are you, some kind of walking ad for those hideous poof balls?" Jane scoffed, slamming the cover of the magazine shut.
Maura felt slightly hurt and flustered as she tucked the magazines away in her bag. The past year had brought an onslaught of change, and Maura was trying to handle the sudden turn her life had taken with as much finesse and support as possible.
Patrick Doyle's death had been the crux of it all. Maura's anger had waned quickly, and it had brought the two closer together as Maura feared to face the next steps of her life alone. But it had also brought Dean and Jane closer as well. When she had announced her engagement three months ago, it had knocked the wind out of Maura for a moment.
Jealousy had been her primary reaction. It was always a prominent feeling when it came to her best friend's relationship with the agent, though she was good at brushing it aside as she focused on the happiness of her friend. It was all she ever wanted for Jane - true happiness, but as Jane became happier and began settle, Maura began more restless. Denial had told her that she only wanted what Jane had - a kind, stable man she loved enough to spend the rest of her life with, but itchy, envious feeling she got when she thought of Jane and Dean was not because of what Jane had - it was because of what Dean had.
As a child, Maura had never known true love. She had received care and contentment from her parents, but love was a foreign emotion in her household. She had been a loner as a child, content to bury herself in the vast knowledge of book instead of seeking companionship. In her high school years, she had experienced the physical act of love for the first time, but she was still nowhere near experiencing it on an emotional level.
But then she had met Jane. Their friendship had delicately budded into a fierce devotion, and though it took Maura a while to identify this unfamiliar feeling, she had soon classified it as the legendary love she had never experienced before. Jane was everything to her, and as her best friend helped her through her father's death, Maura clung to this love more desperately. Dating the countless men in her life was only a game - she couldn't imagine a day without wanting Jane in her life, in all the ways possible. It was such a raw, strange feeling, to know she had found the one person who could make her whole in every aspect. It defined a word she had never been sure she had believed in until now. Jane was her soulmate.
But Jane had found another person to fill what Maura wanted to be for her. Though she had not lost her best friend, and empty feeling had settled deep in Maura's stomach as she thought about Jane sharing the rest of her life with someone who was not her. But she pushed past that selfish feeling, instead focusing on what Jane wanted. Jane's happiness did not ensure Maura's happiness, but she loved her enough to step to the side to grant her friend this happiness.
"Sorry, Maur," Jane apologized, her expression softening ever so slightly. "Can we just take a break for the wedding stuff? Dean and I don't even have a date set yet...and it's kind of overwhelming me," she admitted, and Maura nodded apologetically. Throwing herself into Jane's happiness had been her method of coping, but perhaps just focusing on their own friendship would be enough.
"Of course - I apologize. You know how I am with events," she forced a small laugh. "I'm a precise planner, but we have time." She reached out to pat Jane's hand reassuringly.
We have time, she repeated the words to herself, the simple phrase bringing her a wave of comfort.
XXX
"What the-Jane, how did you get in here?" Maura asked, jolted by surprise as she opened her front door, surprised to find it unlocked with Jane sprawled out on her couch.
Maura had stayed late at the station, examining a body that was giving them a particular amount of difficulty in determining a cause of death. Maura's precise and methodical way of working always brought her comfort - facts and figures never changed, unlike the her unpredictable emotions.
"You gave me a copy of your key when I had to watch Bass that weekend you went to that convention, remember?" Jane reminded her, taking a large swig of wine, straight from the bottle.
Maura chuckled a little, sitting down on the edge of the couch. "I'd tell you to make yourself at home, but it appears you already have. What are you watching?" She turned her head toward the muted television.
"Some documentary about evolution...there was nothing good on so I went to your DVR. And there was nothing good there either," her words slurred together ever so slightly as she took another sip of wine.
"Why are you here?" Maura finally asked, then promptly added with a hint of panic and concern in her voice, "Is everything okay?"
Jane nodded. "Dean's away for the weekend. Got a little lonely," she admitted. "I miss you," she added, sighing lightly as she found Maura's gaze.
Maura's heart fluttered softly. She smiled at Jane. "We see each other for approximately eight hours each day," she reminded Jane.
"Yeah, well," Jane muttered, a goofy smile on her face. "S'not nearly enough." She slumped over, her head falling against Maura's lap. Maura dared to let her fingers dance gently through Jane's hair.
Jane continued to smile, closing her eyes. Maura locked her eyes on the screen, her stomach twisting in jealousy, nostalgia, and emptiness, reminding herself that all she wanted was for Jane to be happy.
XXX
My dearest Maura,
I apologize that it has been so long since I have last replied. I have not had Internet access for a few months now, and I cannot promise that the source I have now will be reliable. I've very much enjoyed our correspondence over the past year - it is always so good to hear from you, and I only wish we could talk more frequently.
I know you expressed some interest in joining me, and as always, my offer still stands. I'll be in Uganda for the next few months, and if you do wish to make the continental trek, please let me know, and I'll make arrangements to have you join me.
All my love,
Ian
Maura finished the email, a small smile tugging at her lips. It was a lovely feeling, to be wanted, and though distance was always a factor in her relationship with Ian, it gave her a shred of hope as she became increasingly lonelier.
"What are you up to?" Jane's voice startled her, and she immediately switched screens, her heart thumping against her chest. She knew Jane would hardly approve of her rekindling things with her criminal love interest. "Shoe shopping. Should've guessed," Jane scoffed, and Maura could imagine her eyes rolling.
She clicked on a pair of Jimmy Choo pumps. "What do you think of these?" her voice came out collected and smooth, no trace of her anxiousness seeping through.
"Why don't you buy yourself a nice pair of flats and give your feet a break?" Jane replied, leaning against Maura's desk.
"Because I like how the heel of a shoe accentuates the shape of my leg," Maura replied with a devious wink. She pushed her leg out from under the desk, as if to demonstrate her point.
"Uh, well, you do make a good point," Jane coughed a little, and Maura felt her eyes rest on her leg for a prolonged moment. She tugged her gaze away, finding Maura's eyes instead. "I was just about to head to The Dirty Robber for a drink and dinner. Wanna come? I've got some, uh, wedding stuff I wanted to discuss with you, too."
"I'd love to," Maura replied, feeling lonelier than ever, despite Jane's obvious efforts to keep her as a part of her life. "Just give me five minutes - I have an email I need to reply to."
XXX
"I'm leaving," Maura's voice was small, almost undetectable as it echoed softly off the walls of the morgue. The pair had been working in silence for some time now, and even without consulting a clock, Maura knew it was late.
"That's fine," Jane muttered absentmindedly. Maura could see her flipping between a list of convicted criminals and a bridal website. She had been expressing more interest in her wedding as the date drew ominously closer. "I'll close up."
"No, Jane," Maura spoke, her voice a little louder this time. Jane looked up from the screen. "I'm leaving - leaving Boston," she felt her heart race a little as finally spoke the words out loud. "I handed in my resignation a week ago. I, um," she stuttered, forcing the lie out of her lips. "I got a research grant from Boston Cambridge that I applied for a while ago - I'm going to be doing AIDS research in Africa," her voice trailed off, becoming lost in the silence.
Jane's eyes widened, she she didn't speak for a moment as she stared at Maura with an expression that made Maura ache. "What the fuck, Maura?" she finally spoke, her voice thick with betrayal. "Since when? Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"
"I, um," she paused, collecting herself, leading herself smoothly through the lie. "I wasn't sure if I'd get the grant, so I didn't want to mention it to anyone. It came as quite a surprise to me," she added quickly, stopping herself before she began to ramble. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
Jane stood, approaching Maura, the expression she wore tearing Maura apart. She almost spilled the truth then, afraid to hurt the person she loved the most. But she reminded herself that this was for Jane. There were so many moments when she was sure that Jane felt the same way about her that Maura felt for her. The lingering gazes, the accelerated heart rates, the subtle touches - it excited Maura, though it scared her. She blamed some of Jane's reluctance to fully embrace her engagement and impending wedding on herself as it was becoming harder and harder for Maura. She wanted to let Jane experience full happiness without her getting in the way.
Of course, it wasn't all for Jane, though Maura wished that her intentions did not have to be selfish. She could no longer bear the impending loneliness. She could no longer stand the idea of sitting by idly as the person she loved most married another. Maura needed to separate herself from Jane before it hurt too much.
"Fuck, Maur. You just can't get up and leave." Jane's eyes were wild and desperate as they found Maura's. "When are you going?"
"I leave tomorrow," Maura muttered softly, tugging her eyes away from Jane's harrowing glare.
"You can't just leave," Jane pleaded, reaching to grab Maura's arm. Maura reminded herself to take in deep breath. She had prepared herself for this. Separation would do them both some good.
"I have to do this, Jane," Maura pleaded in return, acutely aware of Jane's hand on her arm. Her grasp tightened, as if to keep Maura locked in place. Maura closed her eyes, feeling tears sting the corner of her eyes.
"Fuck you, Maura," Jane's voice was rough and angry, but Maura could sense the tears in distress in her voice as well. Jane's face was now dangerously close to Maura's, and she could feel her short breaths against her face. Her heart slammed against her chest, her breath quickening to match Jane's.
Wild emotion pounded through Maura's usually sensible mind, and for a moment, all she could focus on was Jane's proximity. Her face was close enough that Maura could see each crevice and detail of her skin, and she noticed her eyes welling in angry tears as well. Maura's mind continued to pulse as he eyes dances across Jane's face, so much emotion radiating off her, and before she could rationally consider her actions, she captured Jane's lips in her own.
An electrical charge pulsed through her as she pressed her lips fervently against the other woman's, the taste and passion of her almost too much for her to bear. The kiss could've lasted eons or seconds - Maura could not comprehend the passage of time as her every thought and emotion practically exploded.
And then she pulled away.
She clamped a hand over her mouth, an expression of horror claiming her face as she registered what she had just done. Jane was still only inches from her, her face petrified in shock. Maura licked her lips, tasting Jane on her, her heart pounding wildly as she berated herself for so unfairly giving into her impulses. A tiny whimper escaped her lips as she gently pushed Jane away. She opened her mouth to apologize, but she could not force the words out. Jane let out a smile noise, indistinguishable, but Maura could not make out what she meant to say. She stumbled slightly on her heels before steadying herself.
And then she left.
A/N: What an episode tonight :] So pumped for this season. Of course, this story is now categorized as AU because I plan to continue on the course I had planned instead of incorporating what may happen in this season. Thanks for reading. Your feedback keeps me going!
