Larry Kroger, known to his Delta housemates as 'Pinto' due to the enduring result of a very embarrassing childhood incident, was perched on the side of his bed while absently holding in both hands a removed brassierie that had both cups stuffed full of what looked like an entire roll of toilet paper. This young man's attention was at the moment completely distracted by observing in purest amazement how in floating in the air in front of himself, his good and bad sides (in the overused cliché of an angel and a devil) were in the middle of an extremely heated debate on what exactly to do about his bare-breasted, out-cold date lying flat on her back behind him in the bed.
Then, things got really strange.
Appearing out of thin air by the arguing pair of imaginary manifestations that were both in each others' faces and screaming at the tops of their lungs, another guy stood there on an unseen floor, exasperatedly shaking his head. This irritated action brought the newcomer's face fully into view, which finished convincing Larry he'd finally lost all his marbles. Why else would he have done something so crazy like making up the visit of the scariest ever Delta brother right now? But, no, there he was, looking really pissed off as Silver glared from his remaining eye at the other two unreal guys, who hadn't even noticed him.
Oddest of all was how the six-inch tall Silver was dressed. Instead of his normal everyday wear of jeans and a flannel shirt, this man was now clad in one of those Middle Age suits of armor from school history class, some kind of ringed mail coat or robe belted at the waist. Hanging from the belt was a long, scabbarded sword, which was just one of the weapons currently being borne by Silver. Numbly, Larry observed a huge double-bladed axe attached to Silver's back, a foot-long dagger dangling from the belt on the opposite side from the sword, and what looked like a dozen more throwing knives nestled in their sheaths on the leather strap that diagonally crossed Silver's chest.
The college freshman was jolted out of his daze by the sudden act now performed by Silver, who'd evidently had more than enough. Purposefully stepping forward, the one-eyed man reached out with blinding speed to grab Devil-Larry by the shoulders of his red costume. Yanking his surprised adversary in a half circle to face him, Silver next brought up his right knee in a blur of motion, driving this directly with tremendous force into the evil spirit's groin.
Larry abruptly felt his eyes water.
Looking down in utter contempt at the contorted body of the devil just barely on his feet as he clutched himself in sheer agony, Silver leaned forward to place the palm of his hand flat atop Devil-Larry's head, and he shoved, hard. Tumbling backwards, the make-believe fiend abruptly vanished from sight.
"Bless you, my son!" sonorously declared Angel-Larry, who only managed to say this right before a very powerful right cross then savagely punched out the other manifestation of a teenager's personality into deepest unconsciousness. Dropping straight down to the unseen floor, the knocked-out angel also instantaneously disappeared from existence.
Idly shaking his hand that had been a fist a moment ago, Silver muttered under his breath, "Sanctimonious jerk." This man next sat down in mid-air in the most relaxed manner possible, reached inside his mailed robe, and he at once pulled out from there what looked like a…Twinkie?
Stuffing the small yellow cake into his mouth, Silver blissfully chomped away at his snack, until he glanced around to find himself staring directly into Larry's astonished face. Casually waving, Silver mumbled through his delicious mouthful, "Hiya, kid."
"Uhhh…," gurgled Larry, totally convinced this was the point when the men in white coats would come bursting into the room, instantly wrap him into a straightjacket, and then haul him straight off to the loony bin. What made it even more unfair that he hadn't even had sex! He was gonna die a virgin, no question about it…
As if he'd read Larry's mind, Silver peered past him at the pretty girl without her top lying limply in the bed, who'd seriously misjudged her tolerance for alcohol a few minutes before. Glancing back at Larry, Silver wasn't showing any signs of anger or disappointment or disgust over the possibly serious situation the younger man had just found himself in, without intending this at all. Instead, the older Delta calmly asked, "So, what're you going to do now?"
"I don't know!" groaned Larry. Seeing Silver's right eyebrow go up a fraction at hearing this, Larry turned brick-red, to then sheepishly mumble, "Uh, I mean, I know what I should do! But, uh, even if you consider me a total asshole about it, I still can't stop thinking of something else! Yeah, it's nasty and bad and perfectly wrong, and I'm going to hell for it-"
"Hey, hey!" interjected Silver, holding a palm out to emphasize his next words. "Listen, first of all, there's nothing you can say that'll possibly shock me. I'm not really here, see? Not Xander Harris, Faber College attendee, Delta House fraternity member. You called me up, someone you think might know what to do, when the other parts of your brain couldn't help you figure out your options. So, just go along with the whole weirdness happening tonight. I'm an impartial observer, but if you really want me to, I'll be willing to give you some advice. However, it's your choice whether to pay attention to me or not. You fine with that?"
Larry hastily nodded, as he watched Silver cross his arms over his chest and tilt his head to direct his remaining bright eye directly into the other Delta's wondering gaze. Portentously clearing his throat, Silver started with, "Look, I've been there, okay? One day, girls are nothing but cooties magnets, and the next week at junior high, you notice they've got curves which weren't there before, and you can't figure what the hell to do now. Pulling their pigtails doesn't seem right anymore, but when you try to be nice to them, they just laugh at you. Which hurts worse than any fistfight you've ever been in, and that's the honest truth."
Totally engrossed, Larry bobbed his head in utter agreement. Smirking at his intent listener, Silver continued, "What makes it even worse is you don't ever stop feeling like nothing but a cock with ears, ready to explode at the slightest opportunity. Thinking about sex, dreaming about sex, wondering about sex - is it really as good as it's bragged about by the older guys? Who even if you suspect they're lying about ninety-nine-plus percent of their own experiences, you sure want to give it a try, no matter what."
Pausing to nostalgically grin to himself, Silver happily revealed, "I hit the jackpot with my first real girlfriend. She was the head cheerleader at my high school, built like Sophia Loren, and best of all, even though she still considered me a complete idiot, Cordy let me get as far as second base with her lots of times in the janitor's closet."
Larry was surprised to see Silver's face turn sad for a moment. This minor mystery was soon cleared up when the one-eyed man sighed, "We broke up soon after that. It was totally my fault, and I've never stopped feeling stupid about it."
Shaking his head, Silver went on, with his mood beginning to improve as he spoke, "Well, that was my first girlfriend, but my first time was with someone else really special. Her name was Faith."
A look of awed respect appeared upon Silver's features. "Faith, now, she's one of a kind. A girl from the wrong side of the tracks- Nah, she once told me about growing up in her neighborhood, the guys there, they'd have stolen the tracks and sold 'em to the highest bidder. That turned her into one tough lady, so when she hit my hometown, I wasn't prepared for what happened next. It ended with her pulling me into her motel room, showing me what was what, and when it was all over, she promptly threw me out of her room and slammed the door shut in my face. Oh, by the way, at the time, I was totally naked except for my boxers and holding the rest of my clothes in my hands."
Letting out an incredulous giggle, Larry was quickly joined by Silver in their shared laughter. Soon enough, the man with the eyepatch had his mood change again into unconditional seriousness. Absorbedly listening, Larry heard, "Things changed after that - some good, but a lot of it bad. In the middle of it all, I learned something which made me feel really lousy."
Guiltily eyeing the curious freshman, Silver at last confessed, "My only defense is that I honestly thought she was older. Unfortunately, when we did it, I was seventeen, and she was fifteen."
Looking away in their conversation, Silver uncomfortably muttered, "I genuinely wanted to apologize to Faith, but, um, we weren't talking. She was in the hospital for a while, and then she left town. After that, when Faith got back, everyone was just too busy. It took for a few years to pass, when me and Faith and some of our other friends were in our new home, talking about stuff, and I finally worked up the courage to tell her I was sorry."
Returning his gaze to Larry, Silver startled the other Delta by developing a very wry smile upon his scarred features. "You want to know what Faith said to me in return?"
Larry automatically nodded.
"Word for word, it went like this: 'Don't be such a fuckin' idiot, Xan.'"
Silver sardonically snorted at how Larry's jaw dropped at hearing that surprising and truly obscene statement. In his now rather acerbic mood, Silver explained, "She tore into me after that, making it absolutely clear back then, it'd been her decision to take me to her bed. Yeah, Faith knew I'd been sniffing after her, just like virtually every other guy she'd met. What was most important to her, though, is that she called the shots on whether or not to invite me into her motel room. She might have not been old enough to legally do this, but, hey, like she gave the slightest damn about it. Faith wasn't all that impressed on how the law should've been taking care of her for the last fifteen years. Nope, the only person who'd be looking out for Faith was Faith herself, and anyone else who thought differently should eat shit and die. Then, she got really nasty, starting off with such a profane rant it made everyone's ears bleed."
Noticing Larry's glazed stare over what he'd just heard, Silver gleefully added something even more shocking. "Right in the middle of her tirade, Faith clammed up, and then she gave me one of the most evil looks I've ever received in my life. She walked over to me, shoved her hand down the front of my pants, and while holding onto what was in there, she announced to the whole room that if I still believed I'd fucked up, well, she'd teach me different. We were gonna do it on her terms again, and when I was showing her I'd finally learned something since last time, I'd damn well also better figure out I had nothing to be sorry for. Or else. A second later, she dragged me up to her bedroom, where I was the first guy to enter since she broke up with her last boyfriend."
A wide grin then split Silver's face, as he chuckled at his dazed listener. "Well, as you can see, I survived, and things turned out great with me and Faith. She's with someone else now, but we all consider each other to be family." Nodding with quiet satisfaction, the older man glanced again at the room's bed, where the sleeping girl there hadn't stirred at all throughout the entire story. Turning back to solemnly regard a bewildered Larry, Silver remarked in his steady tone, "Okay, you heard what I said. Now, it's up to you to decide what to do. Good luck with that, Pinto."
Getting to his feet in mid-air, Silver paused when the astonished younger man spluttered, "Wha- Wait! You're not going to leave me in the lurch here?"
"I told you," Silver shrugged, as he began to fade away. "I'm not really in this room, talking to you. You just needed some time to figure out how to deal with everything. That's what adults do, which is kinda the whole reason kids leave their homes and go away to colleges and universities, to learn how to be one of the grown-ups. Sooner or later, you gotta take on what life throws at you, and personally, I think you're gonna be okay on this. Just try to do what's right, not what's easy, which is a pretty good rule for yourself."
The manifestation was now almost completely gone, with only a dim outline of Silver smiling at Larry. Who himself burst out with one last question, out of sheer unthinking curiosity: "Hold on! Just why are - were - you dressed up like, like, a knight or someone from medieval times?"
A shadowy form glanced down at his armored form bearing a multiplicity of weapons, only to give another, more massive shrug as he then looked up at Larry. In his faint voice, Silver cheerfully said, "Beats me, kiddo. Most of the time, back home, I'm just a big pussycat around my girls, completely peaceful and diplomatic at all times. It's just that every now and then, when things turn rowdy, nobody really believes me when I tell 'em to just knock it off and quit making trouble for us." At the very end of this final comment, Silver totally vanished, leaving behind only the merest flicker of a feral grin showing off a mouth full of sharp fangs, and a glowing greenish/yellow spark where a man's sole eye had winked at Larry.
For the next few moments, the only conscious person in the room stared blankly ahead while remaining sitting upon the bed. At length becoming aware of the soft breathing of his date in her drunken stupor, Larry turned to regard the half-dressed young girl lying next to himself while completely at his mercy, and he then glumly sighed.
Closing his room door, Larry Kroger frantically glanced around at the chaos in the Delta House corridor, with numerous frat brothers and their dates celebrating tonight's toga party. Squeezing down the hallway past people having the time of their lives while dressed in numerous eccentric attempts at some kind of Roman attire, the worried freshman searched for- There he was!
Xander Harris was leaning against a wall, enjoying his Coke that was taking the edge off a major thirst created by enthusiastically joining in the big Shout number down in the living room a few minutes ago. And people back home said he couldn't dance! Well, what did they know, anyway? He'd at last figured out what the problem was in the first place, that he just didn't feel comfortable with contemporary moves. But put him back fifty years in the past, and he could get down and boogie with the best of them-
Someone standing behind him urgently tapped Xander upon his shoulder. Turning around in mild surprise, the one-eyed man saw there another guy dressed in a toga, the one who was played by Tom Hulce in the movie Animal House. He looked really nervous, which puzzled the New Council member. Nevertheless, Xander cheerfully bellowed over the tremendous uproar of intermixed music and shouting conversations which were presently at a level of noise sufficient to have the building's inner walls beginning to flex in rhythm, "Hey, Pinto! Are you having fun?"
Instead of replying right away, Pinto leaned forward nearly into Xander's face, while attempting the nearly impossible feat of whispering loudly. All Xander managed to get from him was, "My room…need your help…come with me?"
The man known by the Delta brothers as Silver rubbed at his face, presumably to wipe off a stray drop of accidental spit, but in reality to buy some time while trying to remember what exactly had been going on in the movie around now. They'd done the dance number performed by Otis Day and the Knights, but come to think of it, Pinto hadn't been around since then. This kid had vanished with his date to… Oh. Yeah, that scene where Pinto had been trying to get laid and it'd turned into a complete disaster. With a superhuman effort, Xander managed to not burst out laughing at the panicky Delta looking like he'd just been told God was gonna get him, and it wasn't gonna be pretty. Smoothing his face into a more amiable expression, Xander genially nodded, and he followed after the younger man scurrying ahead.
Closing the door behind him, which thankfully cut down the outside noise, a very deadpan Xander eyed the young girl sleeping in the bed there, with a bedsheet virtuously laid over her ripe body, leaving exposed only her placid face. Slooooowly turning to examine a sweating Pinto at the room's side, who appeared to be about to entirely melt to a puddle on the floor in his absolute mortification any second now, Xander cleared his throat, and he then inquired, "So, you wanna borrow a condom off me?"
"NO!" yelped a horrified Pinto, whose next words tumbled from out of his mouth: "I didn't- We didn't do anything! She just had too much to drink! I swear-!"
Feeling he'd had quite enough fun for tonight in torturing his Delta frat brother, Xander interrupted this babble by stepping over to Pinto and laying a reassuring hand on the kid's shoulder while soothingly saying, "Hey, it's all right. You're a good guy, Larry, and that girl there, she'd have been absolutely safe with you, like you just proved. But, why exactly am I here?"
Looking as if he'd just been told the governor had called at the very last minute and his electric-chair execution was now commuted, a truly relieved Larry explained, "I don't want Clorette - that's her name - in trouble, so I have to get her back to her house right away without anyone noticing. Can you help me sneak her out of here?"
"Not a chance," calmly replied Xander. Seeing Larry's immediate betrayed expression, the older man sniggered, to then patiently make clear to this less-experienced person in such monkey business like the current absurd situation: "Kiddo, we're in Delta. We try to do this undercover, the whole house will instantly catch us at it. Nope, here's the plan…"
Twenty minutes later, a delighted crowd was eagerly making way for Pinto as he marched around the main downstairs living room. Staring straight ahead, this Delta member was concentrating on three things: keeping a stern expression upon his face, trying not to trip in his bare feet over any discarded beer bottle lying on the floor, and most important of all, making sure he didn't drop his date. At this exact moment, Pinto was striding along while holding onto Clorette DePasto by her ankles. The rest of the slumbering young woman (who'd caught him shoplifting yesterday and demanded he invite her to a college party as her price for not turning him him) was also being carried by strong hands held under the backs of her shoulders. Following along after, Xander was doing his own job of ensuring Clorette's limp body kept moving through the living room during her horizontal journey several feet above the floor.
Xander also continued to boomingly declaim to the watching room in his most resonant voice, as he'd done ever since coming down the stairs, "Isis, Hathor, Meretseger, Nephthys, Renenutet, shower your blessings on this daughter of the Nile! Bes, Khnemu, Reshep, Thoth, protect the one who wanders in the dark! Satet, Tefnut, Sekhmet, Tauret, have mercy on our beloved queen, she who left too soon Egypt's throne!"
Quickly getting into the spirit of things, the Knights at the far end of the room started a soulful performance of St. James Infirmary Blues, with the one-eyed man continuing to call over the band's music the names of every other beneficial Egyptian deity he could possibly remember, with the exception of Ma'at. Xander didn't really think this goddess of order and truth would be in any way amused by what was happening now.
Not when he and Pinto had earlier stripped down solely to their pants, and once the younger man had bundled together his shirt, jacket, socks and shoes and dropped these out the back window, he'd turned around to see Silver slicing up his pillowcases with a big knife that had seemingly come out of nowhere. An unspoken protest dying on his lips, Pinto had instead witnessed in sheer fascination how Silver then rapidly fashioned out of the rags two white headdresses. Carefully placing onto his head the elaborate cloth covering, Silver next did this for Pinto, too. Taking a step back to eye the bewildered freshman, Silver thoughtfully rubbed his chin, to then muse, "We need some paint or ink - you got any, Pinto?"
"Uh," Larry managed, waving an uncertain hand towards his room closet. "There's stuff in there left over from the last guy who lived here. I think he was an art major-"
"Perfect!" announced Silver, making a beeline for the closet, while calling over his shoulder, "Get into the bathroom, and completely soak a towel."
This was ordered so commandingly that Pinto didn't even ask any questions. Though, five minutes later, when he doubtfully peered down to regard the strange designs just painted in watercolors on his flinching chest, the other male had to say, "What the hell are those?"
"Hieroglyphs," absently answered Silver as he now drew an ornate cross with a looped top on his own chest.
Pinto stood there blinking incomprehensively for several moments, until he choked out, "Where did-"
"Long story," briskly interrupted Silver who was now finished and put the brush down on top of a drawer. With another conjurer's gesture, the immense knive again appeared, and while gripping it, Silver advanced towards the bed and its still-slumbering occupant, a definite maniac gleam in his remaining eye. Looming up over the helpless maiden covered only with a thin bedsheet, he brandished his deadly weapon, and Silver went on to cackle evilly, "Now for the last part!"
It all wound up with one of Delta House's infamous toga parties having during this the surprise appearance of two Egyptian priests carrying in solemn procession the body of a young woman tightly wrapped in white bandages. The female mummy had only her face exposed, with these peaceful features daubed with tiny images of unfamiliar beasts and other pictures, accompanied by her shut eyes being outlined in dark kohl. All this resulted in making the girl totally unrecognizable. Not that any of the onlookers particularly cared, with all these people there joyfully accepting the whole thing as just another example of Delta's famed craziness.
In fact, the entire crowd was really sorry to see the two guys and their willing accomplice leave after pulling off a truly memorable gag, hoisting their beers in unison and sending an exuberant cheer after the departing trio disappearing into the rear of the house, with the Knights shifting into a snappy farewell rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In.
A couple of minutes afterwards, both Larry and Xander could still hear this jaunty music from their present position at the back of the Delta House garage. Though, they pretty much ignored it, being busy with other things. Larry had yanked off and tossed to the ground his headdress, and he quickly put on the rest of his clothes collected after finding them where they'd landed in the backyard. Xander had just as rapidly stripped off the remnants of the bedsheet off Clorette, who was now beginning to stir. Gently lowering the girl to the ground, Xander gathered the slashed rags and he dropped them into the shopping cart they'd found, which should adequately provide a cushion for this vehicle's passenger during the trip back to her home. Bending down once more to pick her up, Xander carefully put Clorette into the cart, and the girl only sleepily murmured at this action, before snuggling deeper into the soft rags.
Without any prompting, Larry handed Xander the soaked towel he'd been told to get and which had also been tossed out the back window. The older man then vigorously scrubbed Clorette's face with this, washing off the hieroglyphs and eyeliner he'd earlier painted there, and also starting the process of finally waking her up. Blearily opening her eyes, the girl frowned down at her dress once more fully covering herself, which had been expertly restored by an unflustered Xander right before he'd turned her into an Egyptian mummy. Lifting her befuddled gaze to see both her date and some strange half-naked guy with a really goofy hat standing there and looking back at her, the young woman muzzily asked, "Did I have a good time?"
"Pretty much, I guess," chuckled Xander. Beginning to shiver in the chilly night air as every bit of his exposed skin developed goosebumps, he affably waved a hand in a get-going gesture. "Larry here behaved like a perfect gentleman, and I'd trust him with any of my own girls. Clorette, nice to meet you, and Pinto, one last word of advice: just leave her on the doorstep, ring the doorbell, and take off right away. Nobody there will buy anything you say, and it's been such a great party that it'd be a real shame to have it spoiled by you being murdered by her furious dad. Okay, kids, scram."
Giving Silver a rather sickly smile, Pinto nodded once. However, as Xander turned to return to Delta House and the party, he was stopped by the younger man hesitantly calling after him, "Uh, Silver- If you still know her, the next time you talk to Faith, could you pass along from me that I think she's really amazing?"
Halting dead in his tracks, a few moments later Xander swung back around to gape at where Larry had already moved off, determinedly pushing ahead the shopping cart with its feminine occupant drunkenly chortling to herself. Staring after the other Delta frat brother soon disappearing into the darkness, Xander shook his head in pure disbelief, until a concerned expression abruptly appeared upon the one-eyed man's countenance.
A quick revisit to Pinto's bedroom ended with Xander suspiciously sniffing at the half-empty Coke bottle he'd left there after first entering the room at the younger man's behest earlier. Lifting up the bottle with its contents sloshing around in there to glower at close range the dark liquid inside, which still looked and smelled like a perfectly ordinary soft drink, Xander quickly banished from his mind any intention of actually drinking it and any other Coke in the house. It didn't matter at all that he'd brought along his own stock for the party and it'd been tightly sealed when the bottle was opened and then partly consumed, without seemingly any ill effects whatsoever from the latter.
A very glum Xander was certain that his Delta brothers had truly enjoyed the challenge of somehow spiking his drink tonight. Because, he was positively, absolutely, completely, one hundred percent sure that he'd never mentioned Faith to anyone here.
Gingerly replacing the Coke back onto the top of the drawer next to a still-dripping brush, Xander Harris shrugged in his total bafflement, and he then spoke the two words which pretty much summed it all up: "Weird night."
