Hey, remember me? I have no excuse for not updating this story except that i lost my muse. But some of yours kind reviews and PMs inspired me to start writing again. So here i am with another chapter.

A quick recap : After the poison oak, Derek was a doting husband, but Addison pushed him to talk about Mark. Derek asked her what exactly happened that night in New York, she revealed that she wasn't upset or drunk but she just felt ignored and she made the first move.


The next morning Derek didn't stop by Addison's room to check on her neither waited for her to give her a ride home. Addison was still uncomfortable to drive on her own. She stayed in the hospital for another night and drove back home in the morning. She stayed home for three more days while Derek spent most of the week at the hospital. When he saw Addison on his occasional visits to the trailer his eyes exploded with anger. For Addison it was like reliving her early days in Seattle except the comforting bath tub and room service.

After a week of sleeping on hospital's worn out mattress Derek started returning to the trailer for his expensive mattress and overly energetic Doc. His adulterous wife was a big turn off for going to the trailer. But he figured it was his trailer and if he isn't careful, Addison might take it over, just like rest of his life.

But every time he saw his wife's sharp features and bright red head, a wave of rage filled his heart. Every time he heard her infuriating voice, he felt like his eardrums were being scratched. Addison kept on initiating conversations whenever Derek was in her vicinity. Derek mostly responded with complete neglect and sometimes with 'mind your own business' or 'shut up'.

It was impossible to miss the change in Shepherds' marital bliss. The hospital got flooded with fresh batch of rumors. Most popular ones were

'Addison slept with Mark. Again!' A lot of people knew that Mark was waiting for her at Joe's.

'Addison went back to New York with Mark.' That one died when Addison showed up for work a week later.

'Addison was pregnant with Mark's child.' That one came pretty close to her past.

'Derek had filed for a divorce.' Addison herself believed that one when she heard it first. But when Addison asked him for the seventeenth time Derek was kind enough to clarify that he hadn't.

In spite of the rumor mill, Addison always held her head high and marched bravely through the whispering crowd and curious stares. She pretended not to care. But the truth was she longed for some real connection with anyone in this city. Her husband didn't even look at her, the interns hated her and the nurses were afraid of her. There was no one she could call a friend. Miranda was on maternity leave, Richard was always busy and Adele was always out of town. Her only companion in the rainy city was Doc.

But she had a feeling that even Doc preferred being in team Derek than team Addison. Both Doc and Derek were extra cheerful on Derek's days of taking him out for stroll. Just to see what made the Doc so excited, she asked if she could join her boys on a day of her morning off. But Derek refused to go if she came.

He spoke more than two words at a time to her only when they shared a patient. Encouraged by a civil encounter with her husband on a common case, Addison started looking for excuses to call Derek for a consult. It worked for a while but she overused the opportunity. After consulting for a headache, Derek filed a complaint with Chief and started sending Nelson on all consult calls.

So they were back to not talking, or back to Addison's words bouncing off deaf ears.

...

After another tiring and depressing day in Seattle as Addison steered her Mercedes on the vast vacant land, she was surprised to see Derek sitting on the porch playing with Doc.

"You are home early." Addison smiled stepping out of her car.

Derek responded with a half nod.

Addison stood there for a while smiling at her boys but when neither of them bothered to acknowledge her presence, she dragged her feet towards the box that she currently called home.

"Have you eaten yet?" She asked from the door with borrowed enthusiasm.

No Answer. Not even any sign if he had heard her.

"I am making dinner." She declared, rather lamely.

"Will you have some?"

"Sure." He shrugged.

It had been long since they had a meal together. So instead of her usual frozen pizza or hamburger she decided to go for chicken soup and broccoli salad.

"Dinner is ready!" She announced cheerfully peeping out of the door.

She set their plates, poured two glasses of wine and patiently waited at the table for Derek to join her. He took his time to finish his beer. Upon entering the trailer, he washed his hands, picked up a plate ignoring the wine glass and went straight in the bedroom.

"Really?" Addison signed

No response.

"Derek?"

She was responded with higher TV volume.

"Is it really a big trouble to sit together for dinner?" Addison demanded standing between Derek and the TV with both her hands on her hips.

"I want to watch news." Derek shrugged peeping over her to see a plumbing commercial.

"Derek you know I hate eating alone." She signed dropping her hands down.

"I also know Crocodiles swallow their prey whole without chewing. How is any of that information relevant for how I eat?" Derek asked directly looking at her for the first time.

"I had a long day! I spent 10 hours in OR and delivered 8 babies today. Still I stood in that kitchen and made dinner for us. Is it too much..."

"You just boiled a packaged soup and mixed some vegetables and seasoning. Don't pretend like you cooked a seven course meal." Derek smirked without letting her finish her sentence.

"You have come home at a decent hour after almost two weeks. I just have a reasonable expectation of having a meal together. I am not asking for a lot." Addison reasoned sitting beside him on the bed.

"I have come home early after almost two weeks. I just have a reasonable expectation of relaxing in front of my TV. I am not asking for a lot." Derek retorted.

"Fine! Let's relax in front of TV." Addison compromised.

Derek's gaze followed Addison as she got up, went to the table and returned to the bed to dine with him.

The moment she sat on the bed, he stood up mumbling "The room just lost its relaxing charm." And went to the other end of the trailer, what the realtor had referred to as "living" area.

Addison finished her wine in one large gulp, shoved her plate in refrigerator and stormed out of the trailer. She had lost her appetite for food and desire of being under same roof with her husband. An old self of her would have thrown her glass on a wall, would have dumped her plate in trash and probably would have broken some more China. But after being a Shepherd for more than a decade she couldn't waste food knowing kids in other part of the world died because of hunger. Instead she channeled her frustration by running in the dark woods for an hour. She still had some anger left when Seattle sky started pouring down cold harsh water. She preferred getting drenched than facing condescending glares of her husband. She settled on the same spot she was on the night of Thanksgiving. Now she knew Derek wasn't done hurting her back. She should have ordered a thicker skin.

All lights in the trailer were switched off. She figured Derek must be asleep. She was shivering but she couldn't will herself to go back inside the suffocating trailer. The splashing rain felt more comforting than stale air inside.

She sat there wondering if Derek was ever going to stop hating her. Barring the two months of Derrek's hiatus, this was their longest period of silence. Before the shit hit the fan, they generally made up in a few days mostly with some earth shattering sex. That option was clearly out. A few nights ago Addison unconsciously rolled near Derek but he immediately jerked away from her as if she was a plague. She wondered if there was any chance she could save her marriage.

She heard the metal door cracking behind her, then there was a sound of an umbrella being opened followed by quick footsteps.

Derek sat on one of the steps at an arm's length from her. He rubbed his eyes with his right hand while his left hand held the umbrella over his body. It was a large umbrella which could easily accommodate them both but he wasn't in mood of sharing. Addison stared at him expecting an apology or at least an invitation inside but he kept staring straight in the dark.

"Do you remember our first real fight?" He asked after what felt like an internal silence.

Addison nodded. Of course she did. "It was over Archer."

Derek also nodded in agreement.

….

They all were at their usual bar across the street celebrating their first semester result. Archer happened to be there at the same time and Addison invited him to join them. Archer and Derek got into some argument, she tried to defuse the tension and when things got unbearable for her, she fled from the bar.

She aimlessly walked on the street for a while before going to her comfort bench.

She had discovered that spot in her second week of college. She was on her 'post-fight running trail' after an argument with Bizzy over the kind of students she should befriend. Her legs had started protesting after 10 miles, so she stopped at a bench to rest. The bench was situated beautifully under a Scarlet Oak tree overlooking a lake. The cool breeze and sight of calm water soothed her nerve. She sat there for hours breathing the fresh air and resolving to set herself free from her parents' hold. That afternoon and that bench were significant part of her new independent life. She visited the bench whenever she was upset and needed space to clear her head. No one knew about her spot, not even Savvy or Naomi.

Since meeting Derek she hadn't visited her bench. They had been together for just six months but she had a feeling that she would never need her bench again. Even when she got slightly upset he could quickly cheer her up without much efforts. She had started to think he could be the one. Before Derek, the only important guy in her life was Archer and she desperately wanted the two significant men in her life to get along. But so far every encounter between Archer and Derek had ended in someone fuming. After staring at the calm water she felt optimistic that once she explained to Archer and Derek how important the other one is for her, they both would make an effort to bond well.

With that hope she paced back to her apartment. When she quietly entered her room, she was surprised to find Derek there.

Derek said he was worried about her and couldn't sleep without knowing she was safe. Noticing how cold she was, he rubbed her numb skin with his warm hands and wrapped her in blankets. Seeing the genuine concern in Derek's eyes over her whereabouts, she told him about her comfort spot assuring him that it was in a safe neighborhood.

She explained how Archer always took care of her. She narrated the bicycle incidence and numerous fund raiser evenings spent locked in the mansion's playroom. She told him about the morons she had dated before him and why Archer was so protective towards her. She admitted that her mother was never going to approve of Derek but her parents' opinion hardly mattered. The only opinion she cared about was of Archer's.

Derek was pretty understanding at first but then refused to take any responsibility for the fight which he insisted Archer had started.

Addison requested him to at least make some efforts but Derek retorted that he had already tried enough.

Addison pointed out how she had built close friendship with Nancy and Kathy and how accommodating she was when his other sisters had visited. Derek's defense to that was 'My sisters are nice and your brother is Archer.'

Addison was quick to point out that Mark wasn't very different than Archer and definitely not one of her favorite persons on the campus but still she tolerated him for Derek.

They had to pause when Naomi banged on the door asking them to keep it low. Derek preferred walking back to his dorm than sharing a bed with Addison. She insisted on not letting him leave while it was snowing. He spent the night on her couch.

In the morning they resumed their fight the moment Naomi left the apartment. Neither of them were willing to back down. The argument heated up quickly and Addison went back to her comfort bench.

….

"I spent the entire morning running from park to park in search of lake facing bench under a Scarlet Oak." Derek said in a neutral tone.

"That was the time you loved me." Addison whispered with a hint of sarcasm.

"That was the time you hadn't seduced my best friend." Derek was quick to retort.

"I hadn't." Addison repeated sadly reminiscing how devoted Derek was at that time.

….

She sat on her bench, shivering in her cotton pajamas. She had left the apartment in a fit of rage without grabbing her coat or muffler. Medically it was foolish and borderline dangerous but that had never deterred her before.

"Hey!" Derek's voice at her secret spot startled Addison.

"You found me?" She asked doubtfully, touching his arm as if to check if he was there for real.

"My sisters call me Sherlock." He smirked sitting beside her. "You mentioned a bench facing water under a Scarlet Oak. There are seven parks in the city facing the lake and few dozens of Scarlet Oaks in each park. I also knew you would choose your spot in a secluded area. So I put it all together and found you." He explained proudly.

Addison stared at him blankly, not understanding how to react.

Noticing Addison's inadequate clothing for the weather. Derek immediately took his coat off and tucked it around her.

"Naomi made grilled cheese sandwich, just the way you like." He pulled a brown bag from his backpack and offered her a sandwich.

"I am not in a mood to eat." She said in a low voice.

"I am not either but.." Derek paused, scooted closer to Addison adjusting his oversized coat around both of their bodies. He had given his coat as a heroic gesture but his own cold tolerance level was pretty low.

"So I was saying" He began again "I am not in a mood to eat either but I am hungry. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon and if I don't eat anything soon I might faint." He said making puppy eyes.

"Why haven't you eaten anything?"

"Because my girlfriend hasn't." He said simply.

"Derek!"

"After you left the bar, I spent the entire evening checking the entrance waiting for you to return."

"You did?"

"Yeah. And while I was worried sick, your lovely brother gulped in two super large burgers and a pitcher of beer." He added.

Addison sighed tiredly at Derek's not at all subtle judgmental tone.

"But if you eat this sandwich right now, I will apologize to him and invite him for our game night." He offered quickly.

Addison opened her mouth to question but Derek used that opportunity to put the sandwich between her parted lips.

"Please?" He requested flashing a charming smile.

They finished their sandwiches in silence before Derek spoke again.

"Addie, I am sorry." He said sincerely, reaching for her hand.

When their fingers met he realized how cold and numb she was.

"It is a lovely bench but I am not from Connecticut. Can we please go sit in a car?" He suggested. He knew Addison would never admit feeling cold so best way to get her out of there was to claim he needed some warm air.

"I don't have my car." She told him apologetically.

"I have Mark's car. Let's go." Derek said pulling her up on her fit.

Thanks to decent heater in Mark's car and Derek continuously rubbing her hands and cheeks Addison regained her senses soon.

"Does Mark know?" That was the first question Addison asked when her numbness started wearing off. Being a Montgomery maintaining appearances was more important than anything else.

"He just knows you are upset and went somewhere to cool down. He was worried. He wanted to come with me to look for you."

Addison cringed at the idea of letting Mark see her tear strained face.

"I knew you wouldn't want to show your secret place to him so I turned him down. They all are waiting for you at my dorm."

"All?"

"Mark, Naomi, Sam and Nancy. They are all worried." Derek told her.

"I am a horrible person." Addison hid her face in her palms terrified by the thought of facing all her friends after creating this big scene.

"Addie what's wrong?" Derek asked wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

"I am sorry for putting you and everyone through this." She whispered through quivering lips.

"You don't need to apologize for anything." He pulled her closer trying to assure her.

"Stop being so nice. I don't deserve your love. I don't deserve everyone's concern." She burst into tears.

Derek was stunned. Except for a few lone tears he had never seen Addison cry before. He sat there helplessly stroking her hair.

"I am so so sorry." She continued apologizing between her sobs.

"It's okay baby. It's all okay." He hummed softly.

After a while she suddenly stopped crying, wiped her tears and began "I have a habit of pulling these type of stunts to catch attention."

"I am an attention seeking whore." She added when Derek didn't react to her first admission.

"Please don't say that." Derek never liked Addison using such harsh words for her.

"But that's true." She insisted. "I often resort to self-destruction to manipulate people around me. I have been doing this since I was a kid." She added to prove her point.

Derek just stared at her in confusion.

"I learnt the power of guilt when I was six. I was upset at Captain for missing my Annual Day over his business trip. I cried for hours and refused to leave my tree house until Captain came back. I didn't budge even when it started raining. My nanny had to call Bizzy. She left her event and came back home for me. I got high fever that night. When I woke up next morning, Captain was by my side, Archer had canceled his playdate and offered to play monopoly with me and Bizzy allowed me to have food in bed." Addison revealed.

"You were just a kid Addie."

"I was pretty smart for my age. After that day I started hunger strike, protesting in cold or holding my breath when things didn't go my way. Captain and Bizzy quickly figured out my tactics and stopped engaging in me. But it still worked on Archer and the house staff. It definitely helped in getting some nannies fired." She laughed bitterly.

"So what I am saying is, I indulge in self-harm to make others feel guilty. You are the kindest person I know and I am opposite of that."

Derek was silent, may be processing what Addison had just shared.

Addison was never comfortable with silence, especially when her future hanged in the air. She had to fill the awkward silence with some words, so she began again. "I am certain I have Histrionic Personality Disorder. I constantly need attention and I go to any extend to get some. So if you think I am crazy and if you want to leave, you should. I would leave me too." There was that bitter laugh again.

Addison started plotting her plan for returning home after Derek dumps her. She didn't have her car or her wallet to hail a cab. Derek was a nice guy and would definitely offer her a ride back but she thought it would be humiliating to share a ride after getting dumped. Asking him for some money wouldn't be any less humiliating. She wished he would say the words quickly so she could start sprinting back to her apartment.

"Derek?" She called him hesitantly.

"I am really sorry you had to take such extreme measures to get your family's attention." He said sincerely and reached for her hands. He engulfed her hands with his own. "Addie, even if you are clinically diagnosed with HPD I won't care because I know that I am going to smother you with so much love that you will never feel any need to do anything like this again."

That was the moment Addison knew she wanted to marry Derek.

….

"Are you regretting not taking up that option of out 17 years back?" Addison laughed, just like she had while giving him that out.

Just like that cold afternoon, Derek didn't react at first. He kept staring in the dark. His narrow eyes and creased forehead told her that he was also picturing that afternoon, that conversation in Mark's car. But she wasn't sure if he was seeing the girl he had fallen in love with or the Satan who admitted manipulating everyone for her own benefit.

"You are not as smart as you think you are." Derek declared without any preamble.

"You defused your most effective missile when you confessed your manipulative tactics 17 years ago. Now they are not going to work on me no matter how convincing your acting is." Derek told her intensely staring into her eyes.

"What are you saying Derek?" Addison asked uncertainly.

"Honey, you can throw away your dinner, sit in the rain as much as you want. But I just want you to know if you faint or catch pneumonia, don't even expect me to lift a finger to dial 911." He gave her a crooked smile and left.

Addison stared at him in shock. It wasn't what he said or how he said it, what terrified her was the unfamiliar coldness in his eyes.

That was the moment she questioned if she was fighting a lost battle.

….

A week later.

"Hi" Addison said tentatively when Derek entered the trailer sometime around midnight.

"Why are you still up?"

"I couldn't sleep and I also wanted to talk to you, it's important." She explained following him in the small bedroom.

He winced at the word talk. "I just finished a 15 hour shift. Can't it wait?"

"Wait till when? Should I wait for you to finish another completely unnecessary 15 hours shift?" She asked in irritation.

"If you haven't yet figured it out, the purpose of pulling 15 hours shift every day is not to have to deal with you at home. Clearly it isn't working." Derek said pinching bridge of his nose.

"Finally you admitted that you don't need to work 24*7. It's just an excuse not to be at home." Addison pointed out triumphantly.

"Men whose wives' sole hobby is to instigate fight at any hour of the day are forced to find solace at work." Derek passed a snide remark.

"So you are implying I repel you from coming home."

"I am not implying anything but I used to be back at the trailer by sunset before you moved in." He said flipping his pillows.

Addison nodded in defeat.

"Now if you don't mind, I have an early shift tomorrow morning and I would like to get some sleep." He announced getting under the covers.

Derek switched off the night lamp on his side and looked at Addison expectantly to switch off the light at her end. When she didn't, he pulled an eye mask from his drawer and turned his back away from Addison to sleep.

"Do you want me to leave?" Addison asked after pondering over what Derek had said.

Her question was met with a silence. But even in dark, even when Derek had turned away from her, even when he was giving Emmy worth performance of a man in deep sleep she knew he had heard her.

"If my presence at the trailer is bothering you so much, I could just leave. I could stay somewhere else till you.. till this phase of yours passes." She offered nervously.

Derek exhaled audibly turning on his back. "Addison if you want to leave, just leave. If you want to stay, stay. I don't care."

"If you orchestrated this offer to leave to make me beg you to stay, that's not going to happen."

"I didn't." She began to explain but seeing the cold look on his face, she thought better of it. Instead she got up to pour a strong drink for herself.

Sensing Addison rummaging through the liquor cabinet, Derek sat up and turned on his night lamp. "It's clear you are not going to let me get any sleep tonight, so let's get over with whatever 'important' stuff you wanted to 'talk'."

In some other situation Addison would have played hard to get, she would have made Derek ask a couple of times before giving in. But these days Derek rarely offered to talk and what she wanted to talk was really important so she couldn't afford to act pricey.

"It's about Savvy and Weiss." She began

"What about them?"

"I spoke to Savvy today. She is not.."

"Is there any problem in her recovery?" Derek asked in concern.

"No. Her recovery is on track. But she and Weiss are having problems." She revealed joining him back on the bed.

"What kind of problems?"

"She said he is being distant, he doesn't talk much, he is continuously travelling overseas, even when he is in New York he works late and brings work…"

"Does Savvy know the Fifth Avenue lifestyle she is so fond is because of the hard work that her husband does." Derek remarked interrupting Addison's long list of complaints against Weiss.

"Do you know that Savvy is herself a successful lawyer and fully capable of supporting her own lifestyle?" Addison retorted without blinking an eye.

Addison reminded herself that it wasn't about their own marriage but their close friends'. She started again in a softer tone. "Derek, she is recovering. She is emotionally vulnerable. She needs Weiss' support and he isn't there. She is all alone. I am worried for her, for both of them."

"There is nothing to worry. I have met Weiss's best friend. He is not Savvy's type. She wouldn't sleep with him." Derek took a cheap shot.

"Derek!" Addison glared at him.

"Weiss's business partner is gay so no threat from that side." Derek continued.

"How dare you say that? You have no right to assassin Savvy's character just because you are angry with me." Addison warned him. She played it cool when Derek called her Satan, adulterous and what not. But she wasn't going to say silent when he spoke ill of her best friend for no reason. They stared fiercely at each other, but then Derek backed down first.

"Yeah I shouldn't have. Just because she is your friend doesn't mean she would cheat too. I am sorry for implying Savvy could cheat." Derek offered an apology.

Addison considered his words. 'I am sorry for implying Savvy could cheat.' Only that. Not for taking a dig at Addison. "You are sorry for speaking ill of Savvy. But you are not sorry for anything else."

"I have nothing else to be sorry about." He replied with a crooked smile.

"You have changed. What has Seattle done to you? You are turning into a sadist." She looked at him through her glossy eyes.

"Seattle has done nothing to me. It's all you." He pointed a finger at her. "I walked on you having sex with my best friend. Remember?"

"How can I not remember when you bring it up at every chance you get?" she asked rhetorically.

"Derek, are you ever going to forgive me?" She asked pulling his elbow so he would turn towards her.

"I don't know." He replied stonily.

"I have apologized a zillion times. I am bending backwards to please you. What else do you want to me do?" she asked spreading her hands in frustration.

"How about showing some remorse?"

"What? I said I am sorry."

"Yes, you 'said' you are sorry. Doesn't mean you 'are' sorry." He challenged.

"Derek I am sorry and you know that." She reached for his hand. "You know that right?" she asked desperately.

"From where I stand, it doesn't look like you are sorry at all." He told her pulling away his hand.

"What are you talking about? How do you not see how much sorry I am?" she asked wearily.

"When did you show any remorse Addison? You didn't look very apologetic when you stride through SGH doors. You walked like you owned the place. I couldn't see any regret in your eyes when you crushed Meredith's innocent heart. I didn't feel you were sorry while turning my own colleagues against me or when you are constantly complaining about everything. Exactly when were you sorry?" Derek demanded meeting her eyes.

"Derek.. I..I" She couldn't construct any response to Derek's accusations. She was under an impression that Derek knew how much she regrets her mistake. She had apologized multiple times. She had left her entire life behind and moved in a trailer for him. "Derek I really am sorry. From bottom of my heart. But if you.."

"There you are." He cut her sentence. "Your apology is always followed by Ifs and Buts. I am sorry BUT it is actually your fault. Do you remember your exact words that night?" he started pacing in the room.

Addison stayed silent trying hard not to think of that night.

"You said. 'I am sorry. Okay?' Those were your words. 'I am sorry. Okay?' You burn down our marriage and you expect your three words to make it all okay?" He asked rubbing his eyes tiredly. He needed some sleep but more than that he needed to let out the anger he had buried inside for so long.

"You show remorse for 2 seconds and you expect an immediate forgiveness." He continued. "I saw it Addison. The image still burns my eyes. You, mark, your naked bodies tangled together. You did that. You destroyed my life and now you do not even have a courtesy to grant me a right to be angry about it." Tears started streaming down Derek's eyes. Those were tears of anger and hurt.

"You say I always walk away. I don't fight for us. But you are the biggest coward. You lock away your heart in cold safe. You don't have the strength required to own up your emotions and face the consequences of your mistakes." Derek stood over her as she looked at him apprehensively.

"You gave me the divorce papers when even the thought of divorce hadn't crossed my mind. Instead of showing any guilt you blackmailed me with those divorce papers. You did the same tonight. You tried to force me to forgive you by threatening to leave. That's what you have always done, since our first fight. Whenever things get tough you are ready to jump the ship and I have to step up and hold this relationship together." He grabbed her arms and lightly shook her.

"I am sorry. I sincerely am." She whispered lamely.

"I will believe it when I see it."

Addison was dumbfounded by Derek's revelation. According to her she had been extremely apologetic since she came to Seattle. She had no idea that her remorse wasn't reaching till Derek. That meant there was something fundamentally wrong in the way they communicated. First time in eleven years of their marriage they had no cognizance of each other's feeling. They had a very tough path ahead.


I would really love to hear if you liked the chapter and if you want me to continue this story. I really enjoy writing this story (when i get into writing mode), i hope you also enjoy reading it.