Margaret came downstairs to find Daniel at the kitchen table with the newspaper. They exchanged good mornings. Daniel fished among the sections of newspaper and said, "Hawkeye went for a walk. He left us a note." He found it and handed it to her. But it didn't say anything, apart from what Daniel had already told her.
She joined him at the table. "How long's he been gone?"
"Well, that's the interesting part. The note was here when I got up a little after 7."
"Does he usually take–" she glanced at the clock, "two hour walks?"
"No," he replied, wishing he had a better answer. "What can I get you for breakfast?"
"Nothing, thanks," she said bleakly.
"You have to eat something, Margaret. How about I surprise you?"
She couldn't help but smile at his whimsical suggestion. "Ok," she agreed. "But don't go to any trouble."
He stood. "Is that in the nature of a challenge?" he asked, eyes full of mischief.
She couldn't resist him. "All right," she grinned. "No pots and pans."
"Oh!" he complained as he walked over to the refrigerator. "I'm not a miracle worker, you know! I don't have a ray gun I can just zap things with and suddenly they're hot! Come on, one pot."
She beamed at him. "Ok, one pot."
"Turn your back then, Miss Margaret! It was going to be a surprise, remember? No peeking!"
The origin of Hawkeye's playful nature was far from a mystery.
She turned, smiling, back to the table. But her good humor was short lived because Hawkeye's note still sat before her. She picked it up again and sighed in frustration.
"You and Hawkeye didn't have a disagreement, did you?" He'd heard stories about some of their run-ins.
"No," she said assuredly, and then, doubting, "Well... we had a conversation... and he was... surprised... by my attitude, but..." She shook her head. "No, it didn't stop him from–" She stopped short of saying too much, but her memory replayed the next minutes. "What we had," she said softly, "was the exact opposite of a disagreement." She closed her eyes a moment, more comfortable in the memory than in the present. "He said the words," she whispered.
"What was that?"
"He said the words," she repeated, "those three little words..."
He debated whether to continue this conversation. He didn't want to pry, but she seemed to need to talk. "Do you think he meant them?"
"Considering what'd just happened between us, I'd have a harder time believing he didn't. He's never said them before–except when he was joking around. And I have a hunch he didn't mean to say them this time. Wish I knew why."
"Hawkeye's been hurt before. He might have trouble learning to love again."
"I know. Carlye."
"He's mentioned her?" he asked in surprise.
"Yeah. I've met her actually. She was on my nursing staff for several weeks."
"In Korea?"
"Uh-huh."
His curiosity got the better of him. "How did that work out?"
"It was before Hawkeye and I were..." She paused, not knowing quite what term to use, and gave an ambiguous wave of her hand, "whatever we are. I had no idea at the time that they were lovers."
"I never liked her."
"Really?" She turned, and he shielded the stove from her eyes with his body, raising his eyebrows, his lips pursed and wagging a finger at her. She smiled as she turned her back to him again. "She seemed nice enough to me. Certainly she's a good nurse. What didn't you like about her?"
"She was needy, self-centered, and demanding," he stated flatly, and then, backpedaling, "uh... in her own... sweet... way, of course. Whatever he did for her, it was never enough. And I hated seeing him hurt." He shook his head. "Good riddance to bad rubbish," he said under his breath.
Margaret heard him though and grinned happily, not so much that he didn't like Carlye, more because he did like her. She turned the unhelpful note face down and picked up the nearest section of newspaper. She couldn't really focus on it though. Her thoughts were too full of Hawkeye.
She'd taken a risk by coming here. He had made it abundantly clear before they'd parted in Korea that he wasn't interested in continuing their relationship after the war. On the other hand, what with being so completely miserable, she figured she didn't have much to lose–his respect maybe, and what good was that without the rest of him? The worst thing he could say was 'No.' Technically, his answer could hurt a whole hell of a lot more than a simple no, depending on what exactly he said. But he'd always been kind to her. He was still at least her friend, last she knew, and unlikely to deliberately hurt her. He was likely, in fact, to let her down as gently as possible.
If letting her down was what was coming. And it was starting to look like it was. Even if it was, her visit hadn't been a total loss. He'd been happy to see her, up until a little while ago. They'd had a good time together. She'd certainly missed the sex, and clearly so had he. Maybe it was just 'absence makes the heart grow fonder', but it seemed to her like it was getting better.
Oh well. If he turned her down, she'd just ask her father about the opportunities he'd suggested at the end of the war. Making a fresh start in Europe might be really good, and a definite distraction from her broken heart. If things went that way.
In a few minutes, Daniel interrupted her thoughts by bringing her hot chocolate and cinnamon toast. "Best I could do with one pot and no trouble," he said mirthfully.
"How wonderful! I haven't had cinnamon toast since I was a little girl!"
"Mmm. Well, I thought... you know, comfort food."
"Aww, thanks. You're a treasure, you know that?" It struck her that she would miss Daniel almost as much as Hawkeye if... but the thought hurt too much to finish.
He patted her arm and sat down with his own cup of hot chocolate. They sat, swapping sections of newspaper, Daniel sharing interesting tidbits, for a good half hour. Then they joined forces to do the crossword puzzle. Margaret wasn't so much interested in the puzzle, but Daniel's efforts to keep her entertained made it more than worthwhile. She laughed out loud repeatedly at his off-beat suggestions.
The charts finished, Hawkeye paced again. When he couldn't stand the waiting any more, he picked up the phone and got the operator to connect him to BJ. He stopped counting rings after 20.
"Hello?" BJ finally said into the phone, half asleep.
"Hi, Beej."
"Hawkeye?!" he asked indignantly. "Do you have any idea what time it is?!"
"I'm sorry. I really need to talk to you."
BJ's annoyance faded as concern replaced it. "What's wrong?"
"Margaret's here."
"Really?! That's a surprise!"
"Yeah."
"Uh...- oh. Is she...?"
"No, she's not pregnant. That was my first thought too. And you know what? Being pregnant and not married doesn't exactly strike terror into her heart. She said she would just move to a new town and say she was divorced."
"I guess that would work."
"You know what else she said?"
"What?"
"She said if I would only marry her because she was pregnant, she wouldn't have me."
"You're kidding," BJ said, truly surprised.
"No. Sounds like Margaret though, doesn't it?"
"Now that you mention it, I guess it does."
"She's the strongest, most independent woman I've ever met. She'd have no problem raising a child by herself."
"Sounds like you two have been having some pretty intense discussions."
"Not really. Just a few off-the-cuff remarks this morning. They seem to have given me a lot to think about though."
"Hawk? Are you sleeping with her again?"
He paused, knowing BJ would yell at him for it. "Yeah."
"How can you do that to her?!" he demanded.
"Pretty damn easily, considering how willing she is!" he retorted. "And willing doesn't even begin to cover it! I've never known a woman who was so–"
"Yeah, but Hawk, she's in love with you!" he pointed out pointedly. "This isn't some one-night stand!"
"Look, I know that, all right?!"
Silence from BJ.
Dropping the defensiveness, Hawkeye said, "The thing is... I seem to be falling too. And I don't want to."
BJ's tone softened. "Afraid of getting hurt again?"
"Yeah. And afraid of hurting her any more than I already have. We're so different. I don't know how we could–"
"You're not that different."
"No?"
"No, and maybe if you stop dwelling on how different you are, you'll start to see how many things you have in common. Besides, some differences are good!"
"I don't know. Even if we find enough in common, I'm not exactly... What if I can't... What the hell does she see in me anyway?!"
"You need to ask her that."
"Maybe." Why hadn't he? "You know, Carlye said I would always put my career first. And she's probably right. Don't you think Margaret is destined to wind up just as disappointed in me as Carlye was?"
"In the first place, we all put our careers first sometimes. It kinda goes with the territory, don't you think? Hell, I put my career first during the war against my will. A good woman will understand and stick by you when times are tough. In the second place... how alike are Carlye and Margaret?"
"Uhhh... well... not that much, I suppose."
"Well, there you go. Different women, different needs. And you might keep in mind that Margaret is pretty sharp and dedicated herself. Who's to stay you wouldn't wind up playing second fiddle to her career?"
"I never thought of that!" he exclaimed, suddenly cheered. "She would have worked herself to death in Korea if we hadn't stopped her sometimes!"
"So how long has she been there?"
"Since Friday night."
"And she just showed up? Out of the blue?"
"Yeah. Dad's crazy about her. And she's crazy about him too. It makes me wonder if... " he trailed off. "Never mind." Then, changing the subject, "Dad doesn't usually hit it off very well with the women I bring home."
"He likes the ones that arrive on their own steam better, huh?"
He chuckled. "I guess. I had no idea I'd missed her so much! And I don't just mean the sex. We had so much fun Friday night! We reminisced and drank wine and told Dad stories. I haven't laughed so much in... months. Yesterday we went for a walk around town and out for dinner, and then spent the rest of the evening relaxing in front of the TV and talking about my career. Dad knew."
"He knew you wanted to leave?"
"Yeah. I hate to let him down."
"Well, he wants what's best for you. I'm sure he doesn't see it that way."
"That's what he said."
"See? I told you not to worry so much and just tell him!"
"You were right. That leaves a lot of uncertainty in my immediate future."
"Opportunity's knocking."
"Easy for you to say."
"So, it sounds like Margaret fits in nicely in your family."
"Yeah. She fits in nicely in my bed too. God, I missed her. Such unbridled enthusiasm. But I forget–you don't approve of our relationship."
"Who said I don't approve? I'm as much in favor of sex as the next guy. I just don't want to hear you're taking advantage of her. It's bad for her, and it's bad for you. It's about time you had a real relationship with a woman."
"I don't know whether to feel congratulated or insulted."
"Why not both?" he laughed.
"The sex has been... as spectacular as ever. At least. Only..."
"Only what?"
"Something happened this morning. Something I wasn't expecting."
"How so?"
"A kind of intensity I've never experienced with her."
"Because you're falling in love with her."
He sighed. "I suppose."
"That kind of intensity is a good thing."
"What if... what if it doesn't work between us?"
"You know what they say about self-fulfilling prophesies. Don't jinx yourself."
He took a deep breath. "Right."
"Let yourself love her. She's not Carlye. Take a chance."
"I'll try."
"Hawk?"
"Yeah?"
"Hug Margaret for me."
"I will. If she's still speaking to me."
"Why wouldn't she be speaking to you?"
"Because I left her alone in bed," he looked at the clock again, "about three hours ago. I think she'll probably have missed me by now."
"She hasn't come downstairs?"
"I'm not home. I'm at the office."
"Oh! Hawkeye..." he began to admonish.
"I had to get away. I felt like such a heel. I've treated her so badly. And I felt so.." He shook his head and sighed, "bewildered."
"You need to go back home."
"I know. I don't know what to say to her."
"You could start with I'm sorry."
"Yeah."
"I won't keep you then. Is there anything else before I go back to bed?"
"I guess not. I miss you."
"I miss you too, Hawk."
"BJ? Thanks."
"Pshaw! What are friends for? I'll talk to you next week?"
"Ok. Bye, Beej."
"Bye."
Nigh onto 11 am Hawkeye came through the back door. "Honey, I'm home!" he called.
"That was some walk," Daniel remarked.
Hawkeye ignored it, instead saying, "I brought cake. And what's that heavenly aroma?" he beamed at his dad.
"Beef roast."
He moaned his pleasure. "I hope I got the right kind. What color goes with red meat?"
"What kind did you get?" Daniel asked him.
He untied the string and opened the box to reveal a multi-layer cake covered in chocolate ganache.
"Very nice," Daniel said, wishing his son would acknowledge Margaret. Instead he was pointedly avoiding her gaze.
"I think I'll have a shower." And he disappeared up the stairs.
Margaret took a deep breath. "Maybe I should go and pack."
"I wish you wouldn't," Daniel pleaded. "He'll come around as soon he realizes that going round and round in his own head is getting him nowhere. Meanwhile, turnabout is fair play: ignore him."
She grinned at him in spite of herself. "You're supposed to be on his side, you know."
"Oh, I am! I most definitely am, my dear. When he gets in one of these moods, you can't make him talk. Believe me, I've tried. His teen years were interesting, to say the least. There's nothing for it but to wait him out. Trust me."
"I do."
He winked at her. "I'm going to peel some potatoes."
"I'll help you."
They were just finishing up when Hawkeye returned. He sat down at the table and began looking over the newspaper. Margaret shook her head and went upstairs to shower and dress. Having put the potatoes on to boil, Daniel joined Hawkeye at the table.
"You started the crossword puzzle without me."
"I was trying to distract Margaret from worrying so much," Daniel said honestly.
Hawkeye looked up, gave a great sigh, and closed his eyes. "Thank you." He rubbed his temples. "I wish she hadn't fallen in love with me."
Daniel frowned. "Why do you say that? She's a wonderful woman, and you're obviously crazy about her."
"You think?"
Daniel narrowed his eyes. "Hawkeye, you've been happier since Margaret got here than I've seen you since you've been home!"
He considered that for a moment. "I have, haven't I?" he admitted.
"Are you letting the past color your feelings for Margaret?"
"How do you mean?"
"You and I never saw eye to eye on Carlye, so you'll probably dismiss out of hand anything I have to say about her. But here goes anyway: she was never a good match for you. She needed things you'll never be able to give her. But not every woman demands she be treated like a princess. You're far better suited to a woman with her own mind, her own interests, and her own career. And a strong personality to offset yours."
"Margaret."
"What's holding you back? Are you just afraid of getting hurt again, or is there something more?"
"I am afraid of getting hurt, but I'm afraid for her too. Dad, we're so different! Different in our politics, in our philosophies, our temperaments. I don't know if it can work between us. And I'm afraid to love her any more than I do if it's all about to fall to pieces." He rubbed his eyes. "And I don't want her to be hurt any more than she already has been."
Daniel wanted to know what had happened between them, but he wasn't about to ask. There had to be a reason Hawkeye had never mentioned the aspect of his relationship with Margaret that she'd referred to as 'whatever we are'.
"What's more," Hawkeye went on, "I don't know if what we have is the real thing. I don't think the past is coloring my feelings for Margaret so much as the sex."
A smile crept onto Daniel's face. This seemed like an improvement in his son's character. "That's not a problem you usually have."
Hawkeye looked at him blankly.
"Maybe I've misinterpreted, but I very much get the impression that you've had intimate relationships with women without it having much effect on your feelings at all."
He nodded. "I may have been a little too–" He took a deep breath, and self-assessed more honestly. "I may have been a complete womanizing asshole. I didn't see it at the time. It was all fun and games then." He shook his head.
"Was Margaret one of your conquests then?" The question was out before he could snatch it back.
"No. We were just friends. Well... friends and lovers. Until she... fell. We'd known one another for years. Can such a delayed reaction be the real thing?"
Daniel was about to answer, 'Why not?' and point out the obvious fact that people change, but he remained silent as Hawkeye continued.
"It's the real thing for her. I see it in her eyes. I hear it in her voice. I feel it in her kiss and the way she–" He swallowed noisily. "You're not supposed to fall in love with your friend, are you?"
"Why on Earth not?!" Daniel asked, shocked. "Your mother was the best friend I ever had!"
"She was?"
Daniel sighed with deep regret. "We don't much talk about your mother."
"No."
"We should. I fear I've done you a great disservice by not telling you all about her. You were so young when she died."
"You're always so sad when you talk about her. I never wanted to put you through it."
"I still miss her." He wiped away a tear with a pained expression. "But my being sad is no excuse. I've often wondered if your experiences with women would have been different if your mother had been here to–" He choked up as an image of her smiling face formed behind his eyes, and he cleared his throat. "To teach you... to show you–" He cleared his throat again.
Hawkeye put a hand on Daniel's shoulder. "It's ok, Dad. I know what you mean. I've wondered too, what it would have been like to have a mother growing up."
Daniel broke down entirely, covering his face with his hands, and Hawkeye patted his shoulder. After he'd recovered somewhat, he said, "Hawkeye, friendship is a wonderful basis for a romantic relationship. Maybe I never recovered from losing Elizabeth because I lost my wife, the mother of my child, the love of my life, my best friend, and my business partner to boot, all in one fell swoop."
Hawkeye didn't know what to say and patted his father on the shoulder again.
"Still... maybe I should have remarried," Daniel said tearfully. "For your sake."
"You know I didn't want that! Besides, how could you?! You're still in love with Mom!" Daniel nodded and wept still, and Hawkeye went on, to fill the space. "You know, in hindsight, I'm surprised how much dating you did. Were you just trying to forget her?"
With a pained voice, he replied, "As if I ever could. No. I only went out with those women because well-meaning friends kept insisting." He sighed.
"You didn't enjoy being a free-wheeling bachelor," Hawkeye realized. "You're just really good at hiding your feelings."
Daniel shrugged. "I showed them a good time, to be polite. But there was never..." he shook his head. "I miss your mother." He got up to check on dinner, leaving Hawkeye to his thoughts.
