He preferred to think about her like she was a ghost. It would make it easier for Liam to walk away once he had spotted her in the tearoom and she him. But the way Carla had smiled at him and the way her eyes lit up, it only meant one thing she was still chasing that past, that past which was like a ghost. Liam had already decided it was best to let that past go.
They stared at each other for a while; her stare getting more and more elated with each passing second while Liam's was a stare was one of containment. His eyes flickered uncomfortably between from her and the floor. And Liam felt himself turning red because he had those feelings deep in the pit of his stomach and jolting from within his chest. His mind was battling to keep those thoughts of desire out because he had to stay on track. Carla was better off marrying someone else, he knew this but still the voice in his head like the words from the poem he gave her once uttered in his wake…I want.
"No you don't," he whispers to himself, "You don't want her. You can't feel like this anymore." He couldn't have her anyways because she was engaged and moving on with her life just like she should be. The only way to go was forward; going forward meant leaving the past behind. So he breaks eye contact and abruptly turns away telling his sister Michelle he would have to see their mother at home. He couldn't be here anymore.
"What?" Michelle says, "But Liam, you just got here."
"I know," Liam says his voice shaking a bit just trying to control his emotions, "But I got to go now. Not feeling that well," he looks over his shoulder and sees Carla detaching herself from her companion's grasp getting ready to come over and greet him. This cannot happen, "Michelle tell mother I'm sorry."
"Liam Connor!" shouts the familiar voice of his dearest friend Jamie Baldwin, "Is that you?!"
"Jamie!" Liam says trying his best to sound enthusiastic. Jamie embraced him in a hug and from the corner of his eye he sees that Carla is still making ready to come greet him. He needed to leave before things got uncomfortable.
"Long time! Where have you been? Two years mate, two years!" Jamie grasps Liam in a bear hug as more friends begin to make there way over, "Michelle has been keeping all your secrets!"
"Leave him alone Jamie," says Michelle coming to Liam's defense though she can't help but laughing, "You haven't missed him too much. You've been getting up to your knees in trouble without Liam."
"Listen," says Liam trying to interrupt the conversation so he can tell them he wants to be, "Listen guys I am going to go—"
"Liam!"
This was not good. More and more of the old circle were coming around. This time it was Carla's younger brother Robert slapping him on the back affectionately. It was too late for him to move away.
"Robert, hey. Look at you, you've grown up so much!"
"And my birthday is coming up soon," he grins, "Gonna be sixteen. You need to come to it. You've missed the last two."
"Well it's good to see you," Liam now smiles deciding it best not to mention Carla. Before he can say anything else more people are tapping him on the shoulder.
"We thought it might be you! You've been gone for two years…"
He tolerated the situation as best he could but Liam knew time was running out and the moment was fast approaching when Carla and him would have to speak again. Now there was no avoiding it. He had just gotten done exchanging brief words with Nick Tilsley when he felt a gentle and familiar tap on his shoulder. He would know those hands, the unique touch and feeling they gave him anywhere. Slowly he turns around and taking a deep breath he smiles. How could he not when she is looking at him with those gorgeous green eyes and enchanting face. He didn't dare speak for he swore that even if he tried to open his mouth to do so, the words wouldn't come out. It was like he was under a spell, so certain of things moments before now he was faced with the true reality of the situation he could not stop these old feelings from taking root in his thoughts…I want.
"Hello Liam," she says and he cannot help looking at those lips. They were mesmerizing, the softness of them, the way they parted ever so slightly when they uttered his name. And he wanted to kiss them; he had this feeling burrowing in his chest making him feel all warm inside.
"Hello Carla," he finally manages ignoring the fact that tons of people were around them watching their every exchange. He wanted to hug but at the same time he didn't, because he didn't want to make things anymore difficult between them. It wouldn't be appropriate given their history and it would always mean something much more. His eyes flicker between her and the floor again. Liam didn't want to continue staring at her in the manner he was but she looked stunning. Her beauty was so unreal to him. The battle within his mind, the constant struggle reminds him of all he wrote. They were dead; all that they had was over. Things fall apart and there was no point in putting things which were broken back together…just like Paul, he was broken, he was dead.
She is the first one to make a move apprehensively testing the waters and the boundaries between them before finally just stepping forward and embracing him in a hug. It is a very generous hug, full of strength telling him through action that she does not wish to let go of him nor does she ever intend to. And he feels everything he should feel, the things which remind him he is human and that God didn't take his soul the night he had taken Paul's. He needs her to feel strong, to feel anything at all. Like soul mates they are, their hearts appealing to one another, putting the pieces of two years lost back together. Things fell apart so that one day they could fall back together.
"You're back now," she whispers in his ear.
He knows what this means. Carla thinks it changes everything and Liam wished that it had too. But he is no fool; one moment of happiness does not wipe away all the pain. It pains him to be with her as much as it does to be without. Liam remembers how he almost hurt her when he was in that rage, he remembers that monster in his chest growling and the boiling point of which he reached. He couldn't ever do that again. Liam had almost choked her; he didn't even see her all he remembered was seeing the blood and Paul. Liam had to make things perfectly clear.
"I didn't come back for you Carla," he wants to whisper. It would be cold and cruel but it would get the point across. They couldn't feel these strong feelings toward one another anymore. But he doesn't say anything, he is too much of a coward and unable to let go of what was happening between them. He smiles at her, lost in those beautiful green eyes
"Liam," says the cold voice of Sharon Donovan. She has come to stand behind her daughter and is glaring at Liam like he is an insect ruining all of Carla's chances at happiness. Carla however is glowing unable to stop herself smiling. As they break there embrace she is blushing and Sharon sees this, her daughters desire and is jealous if not even more furious. She snares, "I see you've picked the perfect opportunity to come back into town. What are the chances…I mean on the day of my daughters engagement gala no less."
"Mother!" says Carla disgusted by Sharon's rudeness.
"I had no idea," Liam says his response just as cold.
"Well now you do," Sharon says not taking her cold green eyes off of him for a time. They stare at each other both harboring ill will.
Liam hated Sharon so much; she had never been kind to Carla. He felt she must be jealous of what a beautiful person her daughter was inside and out. She seemed furious that she was not able to break her daughter down and make her just as miserable and unhappy as she was. Sharon was a horrible mother. Liam breaks his staring match with Sharon looking back at Carla; she is still in another world just grinning at him, happy like a child is on Christmas morning.
A tall muscular man with brown hair and dark brown eyes approaches smiling broadly at everyone none the wiser to all the things being thought and spread about in this intimate group. He doesn't even notice Carla lost in a wordless daydream over Liam or the fact that Sharon is shooting darts. Sharon smirks upon this mans arrival.
"You should meet him," Sharon says in sugary sweet voice glaring at Liam, "Carla's fiancé.
"Mother—" Carla starts to protest again but her mother puts her hand up to silence her.
"Tony darling, what do they always call you?" Sharon says smiling at him before glaring back at Liam
" Some call me the king of Scotland," he jokes before adding, "Others prefer to call the love of Carla Gordon's life," The man looks adoringly at Carla before extending a hand out to Liam he smiles, " But I prefer a simple Mr. Tony Gordon, how do you do sir?"
"Sir," Liam says unable to feel anything but pure jealousy. The monster that rage in his chest was stirring. And he had brought it all on himself because jealousy could only exist with desire and what Liam desired more than anything would belong to this fellow, "I'm Mr. Liam Connor." They shake hands.
"Nice to meet you. Is he the cousin from the North you were talking about darling?" Tony asks Carla still smiling warmly at Liam.
"N-no," Carla begins but again her mother cuts her off.
"No Tony darling," she says trying to conceal her venomous nature, "He's an old boyfriend of your darling Carla's. Not to worry though, they're ancient history," she said the last part as an underhanded warning.
"I would never worry," says Tony smiling at Carla. He wraps his arm around her shoulder pulling her close to him, "We all have them, those innocent first loves but then you grow up. I trust Carla completely." He kisses her forehead; all the while Carla has not stopped staring at Liam.
"Yes well you are certainly right about that Tony," says Sharon, "They were so long ago it hardly seems to matter anymore."
"Yes well," Tony says uncomfortably. He is trying to ignore the backhanded comments it was obvious Sharon was directing at Liam and trying to stay positive, "Carla darling, I still have that surprise to show you. I was nice enough to let you break away but now I'm afraid I have to put my foot down. You'll have to come with me."
"I wish it could wait," Carla whispers struggling to remove her eyes from Liam. It seemed that if she had a choice she would spend her whole day looking at him."
"It can't. I know you want to stay and chat with all our friends but the surprise cannot wait. We must go—"
"—Yes Carla," adds Sharon, "You must. There are greater things to deal with at the moment."
"Mr. Connor," says Tony extending his hand once more, "Always a pleasure," he turns away now being chatted up by another guest.
Sharon glares one last time before going over to whisper with Leanne's mother Stella who is waiting for all the juicy details. It is now just Liam and Carla again.
"I forgot to say but congratulations are in order," Liam manages.
"You're back now," she whispers again and ignoring his comment completely. She did not wish to waste anytime in telling him how she feels.
"I am," Liam says not wanting to devolve any deeper into where this discussion was headed. It was not a discussion he felt they needed to have nor should they ever. He had no claim on her anymore, no matter how jealous he felt because he had been the one to give her away.
"I—".
"Don't," he whispers gently, "Lets just leave it at congratulations. I'm happy for you and you are very glowing and beautiful. Tony will make you very happy."
"Liam—"
"Carla, come." Tony says turning away from his friend and holding out his hand again for Carla to accept. Reluctantly she does. Although Liam can tell her mind is exploding and she looks resentful at having to do such a thing. She is resentful that Liam has once again made the choice about their future for them. Being steered away by her shoulders she looks back at Liam periodically as her fiancé Tony leads her from the tearoom and further away from him. Carla's look says it all, that this discussion wasn't over.
Liam watches her go and he can't describe exactly what it is he is feeling. He knows that he is numb but at the same time he feels the hurt, confusion, and lust. It was the right thing to do though in letting her go and it was mature. He didn't come back to go chasing the past. Liam came back for his sister, and for his family. Carla would never be safe with him and he would just have to learn to deal with it. He had almost choked her.
He watches as she disappears through the doors and he thinks to himself when will letting go get any easier? When will it not hurt so much? Liam knew he wanted her and that he would always long to be with her. Never would he feel this way about anyone else, it had been that way since they meet. He feels the tears coming and he wants to hold them back.
"So many guys end up with the safe nice girls brother."
Liam turns his head to the side slowly staring into the eyes of his brother Paul. It was like he was there, really standing beside him watching Carla go through those same glass doors. Liam doesn't dare speak, he was used to Paul popping up inside his head from time to time. But this was the first time he had every done so in public.
"You think you're going find that nice girl one day but let me tell you Liam, you'll always have that once in a lifetime girl that got away, thee Carla Donovan who will excite twenty years from now when you daydream about her memory. You could be content, maybe start a family with someone nice. But you'll wonder about things about the man who went so wrong. You'll remember that the best days of your life were with her, that girl who enchanted you as a young man."
"How do you know?" Liam whispers not daring to stare back he looks ahead.
"I don't," Paul, says his blue eyes blazing, "But don't you think it's time you find some peace little brother? "
"I'd only hurt her. She has to get away."
"And you say I'm the one who is broken because I'm dead. But you'll break her if you continue on doing what you're doing. You'll break her to pieces. You've already broken yourself. Just a thought…"
"Things fall apart Paul. Ever since you've gone, everything has fallen apart."
"And just as easily Liam, people find ways back to one another. Mom and dad, they'll be alright and look at Michelle, she's having a baby. They'll be alright and so will you; because slowly we all have to learn to move on. Things fall apart; they break up so that one day they can fall back into place."
"Paul-," Liam is about to protest. It wasn't that easy. He had done horrible things he had blacked out and hurt Carla. He left for a reason, so that he could protect her.
"Things fall apart so better things can fall together," Paul says and then smiling he adds, " Two years already…welcome home baby brother."
And just as quickly as he came Paul was gone again.
"Welcome home baby brother."
This was a defining moment, the moment Liam realized he could not let his brother's death be in vain and for nothing. He had come back for a reason.
Part of Paul's statement at the end was taken from a quote by Marilyn Monroe. It is the part where he says, "Things fall apart so better things can fall together." Just thought it went really well with the theme of the story so I decided to put it in. Anyways thanks for reading.
