Eight: Release
"Seth?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you love me?"
"Yeah."
"Do you think I'm pretty?"
"Mmm-hmm."
"Do you like seein' my body?"
"Mmmm."
Beth rolled over in bed so she could face him. A few rays from the sun were peeking through the window from behind the room darkening curtains. She could just make out Seth's face. He was chewing his lower lip and he was pondering her like they were the only two people in all the world.
"Do you think about makin' love to me?"
He blinked slowly but didn't answer her.
"Do you just wanna fuck me, instead?"
He shook his head and stated strongly, "No."
"It don't have to mean nothin' if you don't want it to," she hated that it sounded so desperate out loud.
"That's not how it should be," Seth said.
Beth gazed at him for a short while in silence so she could muster up the courage to ask, "Is there somethin' I can do? Somethin' you like? To turn you on?"
Seth's brow furrowed in confusion.
"I mean, I dunno what you like, but...if you wanna tie me up or somethin', I mean, if that'll help...I trust you."
Seth's eyes widened with a mix of shock and horror. It seemed the idea hadn't crossed his mind. He shook his head and argued, "I don't wanna hurt you."
"Well, there are ways you can...restrain somebody without really hurtin' 'em. It's like, a game, or somethin'."
"I don't see how tying you up would be fun for you," Seth sounded disturbed by the very idea.
Beth considered another idea that was a little less shocking, "I could dress up. You like somethin' in particular? I could use one o' my dresses from the club or we could stop by the costume shop."
Seth's concern had lessened a bit but he still seemed uneasy by all the things one could use to initiate sexual contact. His eyes shifted in their sockets while his mind came up with dozens of visuals that caused his face to twist with fear, surprise, confusion and misunderstanding. It became too overwhelming and he abandoned them all, going back to a neutral expression as he asked thickly, "What is it that you like?"
Beth pursed her lips together. She'd had a few flings but Jimmy was the only one who'd been a real boyfriend to her. They dated in high school and he was the typical seventeen-year-old with raging hormones. They'd make out for fifteen seconds, he'd beg to stick it in, claiming his balls would fall off if he didn't and he'd last all of about a bull ride at eight seconds. She did have to give him credit for trying, afterwards. He'd finger her or use the vibrator her friends bought her as a Christmas gag so she wasn't completely left out. Beth had no idea until years later that guys could last longer than a minute and girls did have the ability to orgasm during the act.
"I dunno, I guess I like bein' kissed," Beth surmised.
She felt a little embarrassed that she couldn't come up with something more amazing to do. Seth sighed like he was grateful she had kept it simple and he leaned in to press his lips to her own.
He tasted like something bitter and sweet. It reminded Beth of when she was a little girl and she used to pick the dandelions on the front lawn at the farm. One time, she decided she wanted to know if the dandy-yellows tasted as good as they smelled. She put one in her mouth and chewed. It wasn't totally unpleasant, but definitely nothing like the aroma.
She felt Seth sit up on his elbow so he could kiss her, better. He placed his left hand on her hip and she made a small hum to let him know that she liked it. They kissed for a good while before Seth removed his hand from her hip and Beth felt butterflies in her stomach as she anticipated what he might do, next.
Seth glided his fingers through her blond hair and brushed it around her head as a makeshift halo. She didn't know exactly why he was doing it and he almost seemed more focused on the halo effect than he was on kissing her. When he deemed it finished, he took a handful of hair and twisted it around his fist. He pulled just strongly enough to make Beth tilt her head back so he could kiss along her jawline.
He was only slightly restricting her and he seemed to know just how to expose her throat without making the angle too uncomfortable. Beth clasped her hand around his fist and she liked feeling her soft tangles of hair tightened between his fingers. She placed her other hand loosely against his shoulder. He was too busy kissing down her neck to notice. Beth dared to reach her hand around the back of his neck so she could grasp a bit of his hair. He tensed up. She loosened her grip and brushed her fingernails along his scalp. He went back to kissing her.
Seth let go of her hair and took hold of the straps of her tank top. Beth thought he was going to take it off but instead he moved the straps halfway down her arms. Only the tops of her breasts were exposed and they plumped out like in a renaissance dress. Seth grunted like seeing the plump was better than seeing the whole thing and he left a flurry of kisses across her chest.
Beth was quickly overwhelmed by such constant attention. She hadn't been with a man in almost two years and she had forgotten how good it felt to be touched. The words tender lover came to mind. It sounded horribly lame and Beth swore to herself she would never utter the words out loud to describe Seth, but they were as true as could be.
She wanted this. She needed this. She was ready but Seth hadn't even begun to remove his clothes, let alone hers. Beth was starting to get anxious for more. She reached up and grabbed his t-shirt so she could get it over his head. All the work at the slaughterhouse had given his arms an impressive bulk and Beth was excited to see what wonders it had done for the rest of his body.
In the heat of the moment, Beth had forgotten what Seth Rollins was like. This was a man who treated hugging like it was some sort of barbaric ritual. The same man who assessed every exit before entering a room full of people. Once she had even witnessed him dive out of the way to avoid a man asking if he would like to sample some cologne.
Her sudden movements startled him and Seth shifted into survival mode. He shot up and arched his back like a cat to get away from her grasp. He instinctively took her wrists and pinned them down against the bed. His eyes were like stone as he stared at her so intensely that she was forced to look away.
The little bit of sunlight in the room was enough for Beth to see exactly why Seth reacted the way he did. His t-shirt had mostly fallen back down, but she could still see an exposed area of skin on his left side. She had a view of his lower ribs, around his hip bone and along one side of his abs.
There were scars. Dozens of them. All shapes and sizes. Some were long and tangled and bizarre like a ribbon dance etched in his skin. Others were small and white and perfect like the self-made ones Beth had seen on a dancer at the club who used to take scissors to her inner thighs.
Some resembled cigarette burns. Some looked more like gashes or fighting injuries. There were even a few freckles that made the damage appear almost natural. His body had healed and continued to renew itself despite what had been done to him. It was frightening. It was sad. It was horrifying. It was unthinkable.
Beth looked up to meet Seth's gaze. He was mad. Stark ravin' mad.
"Don't you pity me!" he shouted, his voice hard.
He let go of her and climbed out of bed. Beth was almost in tears as she sat up and tried to stop him, "Seth, wait!"
He didn't even look back at her. He stormed out the door and slammed it behind him.
:-:
She wanted to tell him that she didn't pity him. She wanted to tell him that she didn't think his scars were ugly and she still loved him all the same. She wanted to tell him to come back to me.
Beth sat there and waited for what felt like hours. She was certain Seth would storm back in to chew her out or tell her to go fuck herself or do something to vent his anger, but he never showed up. She felt the need to cry, but she refused to shed any tears. She didn't want Seth to walk in and see her crying. He'd think she really was pitying him and he'd probably never forgive her.
When she couldn't stand the silence any longer, Beth slowly got out of bed and went to her closet. She dressed herself in a pair of jean shorts. Her wrists were still sore from where Seth had grabbed them. She put on a white long sleeved top to conceal herself, better. Beth was reminded of the battered wife named Eva who lived downstairs. Eva was always wearing layers of clothes to hide her bruises.
But Beth knew Seth wasn't like that. This wasn't the start of a pattern where he'd hurt her and beg forgiveness later with a dozen roses and a thousand lies. He wouldn't be calling out for her on his knees sobbing like a child for all to see like Eva's husband did. Seth was nothing like him and Beth was so glad for that.
She covered herself up the best she could and put on an old pair of sneakers. She wanted to feel as comfortable as possible. Beth went to her door and opened it slowly. She peeked out into the hallway to see if Seth was around.
The door to his room was closed. She wandered out to the kitchen, but he wasn't there, either. Beth left the apartment and quietly closed the door. She stood out in the hallway for a minute to see if Seth would come after her. She didn't hear anything.
Beth walked to the top of the stairwell. She could see the sun shining through the front door of the apartment complex. It looked like a nice day, outside. She considered taking a long walk to clear her mind. She hadn't slept yet at all and she was tired, but she didn't want to go back to her room.
She went to the Dean's apartment and knocked. She hoped they were awake. There was a long silence and Beth thought the better of knocking twice. She turned away and started for the stairs, again.
"Beth?" Dean asked from his door.
She turned around to face him. He didn't look quite awake, but he was dressed in old jeans and a stained t-shirt and he looked like he had been unpacking before she knocked. She almost burst into tears when she saw him.
"You need some help?" she asked so as not to appear lost.
"Sure," Dean held the door open to let her inside.
"Is Max here?" Beth asked when she wandered past him.
"No, he's uh...today was his first day. I sent him on to school. Should be back around four."
Beth nodded but she wasn't really listening. Dean pointed to some boxes in the kitchen and mentioned, "I could use a good eye for sorting this stuff. My wife, she-"
He cleared his throat and changed his tune, "My ex-wife...the kitchen stuff was mostly hers. Honestly, I don't know what most of this shit is even for."
He leaned over a box to check inside and gave Beth a quick glance. He put his hands on his hips and mumbled, "Pardon my French."
"It's okay, I know what shit looks like," Beth smiled.
Dean nodded and quickly went back to work on the TV set in the main area. Beth called to him while she sorted through an open box, "Your ex-wife, was she Max's momma?"
"Yeah. Her name was Charlotte," Dean replied.
Beth felt a sickness deep down in her belly. The only Charlotte she had ever met was the cruel bitch that she worked with at La Termitas. Beth watched Dean work a while until the nausea subsided. She was sure the Charlotte she knew couldn't possibly be Dean's ex-wife. Dean was a sweet guy. His son was an angsty teen but there wasn't a bad bone in Max's body. No way could he be the product of that Medusa.
"I know a Charlotte, but she ain't nice at all," Beth mentioned.
Dean sat up to face her and asked curiously, "What does yours look like?"
"Old. Disgusting. A haggard sea wench," Beth retorted while she stacked some plates on the counter.
Dean laughed and said, "Sounds lovely."
Beth giggled despite herself. Dean went back to working on the TV and conversation was lost.
:-:
The silence after Max had left that morning was starting to weigh on Dean. His sense of all-consuming loneliness returned and he was doing his best to keep busy and take his mind off it. When there came a knock at the door, Dean thought he had imagined it. He almost didn't check, but he was glad he did.
Beth looked solemn and lost. She was as lonely as he felt when she came in to help him. Dean was grateful for the company. He also knew the kitchen needed a woman's touch. It was like a foreign language trying to figure out what to use and what to put away. Dean had mostly just thrown everything from the kitchen into boxes without even looking at them. As far as he was concerned, cups and plates and some silverware were plenty. He liked his morning coffee, but he still didn't know how to use the fucking fancy machine Charlotte had bought and then left behind.
He was amazed to see how much progress Beth had made once he finished hooking up the TV. She had managed to not only set up Charlotte's coffee maker, but Beth showed Dean exactly how to make the simple brew he liked most in no time at all. She had also found the microwave and toaster, two things that Max would be overjoyed to use for his many snacking needs.
"You know how to do the channel programming? I used to know but these newfangled remotes they...well, they make me feel old and useless," Dean handed Beth the satellite box.
She took out the remote and went to the love seat. Dean followed and sat down next to her. He watched her while she focused on programming the remote. She was wearing a long sleeved shirt that was unseasonably warm for a midday in Georgia. The outside temp was at least a hundred degrees, and the air conditioning in the apartment was only sub-par, making it at least eighty-five inside. Dean chalked it up to the notion that perhaps Beth was one of those girls who always got cold. His police training told him it was something else, but he ignored it. Prying might scare her off.
Beth got the channels to work and she showed Dean how to bring up the guide. He saw that the game was on. He was about to change to it when he glanced at Beth and thought the better of it.
"Is Say Yes to the Dress on? You know, the Atlanta one?" Beth asked excitedly.
Dean checked the guide. Sure enough, the show was on. He switched to it and realized in about thirty seconds that it was nothing more than a so-called unscripted dramedy series where pretty girls dress up for their respective weddings while their entourage criticizes the heck out of them before magically coming to terms on a final pick. Dean was bored as hell, but watching Beth's reactions to it all gave him reason to tolerate it.
She sat forward through the first two episodes but sleep got the better of her and she laid down for the third. Dean was actually starting to get more into the program the more episodes he watched and it took him a while to notice Beth had fallen asleep. He switched to the game but he kept a close eye on Beth so he could change it back in case she woke up. At one point, her feet stretched out onto his lap. Dean focused on the TV and his mind drifted to somewhere in the past. He forgot that it wasn't his wife sleeping beside him. He idly rubbed her calves like he used to do to Charlotte when she'd fall asleep on the couch while they watched their prime time lineups together.
Beth started to stir a little. Dean returned to the present. He thought she was waking up, so he switched the channel back to the other channel and waited. Beth's feet twitched and she drew her knees up. Dean couldn't help thinking that her movements were odd and jerky. He surmised that maybe she was a deep sleeper and it took her a while to fully wake up.
"Beth?" he asked softly.
She opened her eyes and sat up. Her gaze was different. She was staring off into oblivion despite her body being completely alert. Dean had never seen a sleepwalker up close, before, but he'd heard enough stories around the precinct to get an idea of what one looked like.
"Beth?" he asked again, hoping the sound of his voice would snap her out of it.
She stood up and walked toward the kitchen. She called over her shoulder, "I'll be out in two minutes' time!"
Dean followed her to the kitchen counter where Beth had stacked up a bunch of dishes, earlier. She took one of the plates and handed it to him. He took it from her and set it back down on the counter. Beth handed him a few more plates one at a time, then she took one in her hands and suddenly stopped short.
"What's wrong, Beth?" he asked.
Her expression was calm until he said her name. She made a revolted face like something had made her sick. She smashed the plate against the tile floor and screamed, "MOMMA!"
"Beth!" Dean tried to grab her arms to stop her, but it was too late.
"MOMMA! MOMMA! MOMMA!" she screamed over and over and over, again.
She kept smashing plates against the tile floor. The fragments were flying everywhere and Dean was afraid Beth was going to get hurt. She was screaming so loudly, her voice was straining and about to be lost. He wanted to stop her, but Dean had always been told that you don't ever wake up a sleepwalker.
"Beth! Beth! Beth!" Dean tried to call to her between screams to get her attention.
She didn't hear him. Dean was completely helpless. He had no idea what to do.
Someone was banging on the front door. It took Dean a short while to notice it. He rushed to look out the peephole and see whom it was.
Seth yelled from the other side, "You better open up the goddamn door or I'll kick it down!"
Dean obliged. Seth raced over to Beth and wrapped his arms around her. He held her until she stopped screaming and he whispered her name soothingly and repeatedly to ease her out of her nightmare.
Beth didn't ask what had happened. She didn't cry or make excuses for what she had done. She and Seth looked like they were all too familiar with the issue.
"She's alright? She's not hurt?" Dean asked.
Seth scanned her over in one glance and replied, "She's fine."
"Beth?" Dean asked her directly just to make sure.
"You think I'm lying?" Seth shot back.
Dean put up his hands in defeat and replied softly, "I just wanna hear it from her."
Beth peeked out from behind Seth's arm. She looked exhausted and her Sunrise appeal had almost faded away, completely. It struck Dean to his core.
"I'll pay for the dishes," Beth croaked, her voice barely audible.
"Don't worry about that," Dean said.
Seth was already leading Beth out the door. Seth told Dean just before they left, "You give me a price for what was lost and I'll pay it up."
"I said don't worry about-" Dean was cut off when Seth slammed the door in his face.
:-:
It was after three. This was the time when Beth and Seth usually got up to run errands before work. All she wanted to do was go back to bed.
She felt more exhausted than usual. Whatever she had been dreaming before Seth brought her out of it was too intense for words. She could remember pieces of it. Something to do with her mother. Her sister, Lana, was in trouble. Something was keeping her from helping Lana. That was all she really knew.
Beth took a seat in the kitchen and Seth brewed them up some coffee. He handed her a cup and she took small sips to calm her nerves. He started to take out ingredients for pancakes but Beth told him, "I don't want none. Just coffee, today."
Seth nodded and started to put the ingredients back. Beth suddenly felt like she couldn't take it anymore and she got up to leave the room.
"I'm gonna go lie down for a bit," she told Seth without looking at him.
She went straight to her room and climbed into bed. She hugged her knees against her chest as she started to cry. Whatever her dream was about, it had stirred up old emotions that had come bubbling to the surface and they could not be ignored.
Beth didn't know how long she was crying. She thought she heard her bedroom door open but she didn't turn to look. She felt the weight of the bed shift as Seth climbed in beside her. Beth wiped her tears away and rolled over to face him.
He reached down and unbuttoned her jeans. He used his middle finger to push down against the zipper latch so it glided open. Beth watched Seth sit up on his knees so he could take her jeans off. He slipped them down to her ankles and removed them along with her sneakers. She still had his boxers on and he tugged those off as well. He left her top on.
Seth only parted her knees slightly, like he was still trying to be a gentleman about the whole thing. Beth wiped a few stray tears from her cheeks and lay still as she could. Seth turned to one side and pushed his way between her legs so she wouldn't have to part her knees much further. He was trying so hard to be decent, like a move too sultry would ruin the idea of makin' love.
Beth thought he was coming up to kiss her lips, but Seth linked his arms underneath her and lifted her lower half a bit so he could use his mouth to part her other pair of lips.
A sudden wave of pleasure threatened to overcome her. Beth was startled by the sensation and she instinctively kicked her feet. Her left heel managed to land a good one right against his lower ribs.
Seth made a surprised grunt and looked up. Beth clutched the sheets and breathed, "I'm sorry! Sorry!"
He scoffed and mumbled, "Good God, I was trying to make you feel better."
"You are! It does feel good! It does!" Beth confessed.
Seth made a low chuckle and headed back down. While they were kissing, Beth couldn't remember him using much tongue, but he was showcasing a real talent with it this time. Seth was careful to get the right spot every time, making the pleasure so intense that Beth had to restrain herself from accidentally kicking the shit out of him.
Her voice was so strained that she could only manage to squeak out a few sighs and moans. It sounded nothing like the response she wanted to give, but Seth didn't seem to mind. He even paused for a minute to kiss her inner thighs so Beth could catch her breath. When he returned to her middle, Beth could feel a strong climax coming on.
"Seth!" she gasped, making tight fists against the sheets as her entire body went into spasms.
He rested his head against her stomach so he could feel her tense and release, tense and release. When Beth finally relaxed, Seth sat back on his knees and opened his own jeans.
He left his clothes on. He only pushed his jeans halfway past his thighs. Beth waited until Seth was coming back to her before she dared to look down and catch a glimpse of him. Everything was where it should be. No missing or strange looking parts. He had a full erection. She couldn't see any scars on his groin. Knowing this gave her a sense of relief.
Beth was still clutching the sheets when Seth started to push inside of her. Already finding release meant that she was plenty ready to take him once he entered. He didn't keep his gaze on hers for long, but buried his head against her shoulder to avoid the eye contact that made him so uncomfortable no matter what the circumstance.
His thrusts were slow and deliberate. He was acting somewhat on natural instinct as well as a method of touch-and-go. Beth wondered how many girls Seth had been with before her. She didn't believe he was a virgin, but she could believe he had been too drunk to remember whatever encounters he did have. He wasn't unsure of himself like a first timer would be. He just seemed more curious and contemplative than what Beth considered most men to be like.
She wanted to let go of the sheets and put her hands on him, but she had no idea how he'd react. She was grateful when he took her hands with his and guided her down to put them on his lower back. His t-shirt had bunched up enough that she could feel his skin and touch the protrusions of his spine without having to take anything away. There weren't as many scars there, but she could still feel some ribbons inside her palms.
Beth felt Seth tensing up as he neared his own climax. They hadn't been going on very long. She wondered if this was why he went down on her, first. Seth only managed a couple more thrusts before he groaned and released. Beth felt his consequence spill out inside of her. He was still working himself out when Beth decided to reach down and feel his backside.
There were a few scars, there. More like grooves, like someone had taken to Seth with an uneven paddle or a belt buckle. It made Beth feel hatred for the person who did this.
Seth had stopped moving. Beth slowly took her hands away and brought them to her chest. Seth lifted his head and she braced herself for another angry outburst.
Only this time, he wasn't angry. He looked more sad than anything.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, earlier," Seth tugged at her long sleeves so he could expose and kiss her sore wrists.
They were slightly bruised. Seeing this made Seth look even more ashamed.
"I know you didn' mean it," Beth reassured him.
Seth lowered his gaze and rested his head against her chest. Beth put her arms around him and held him in place. His erection was gone, but he was still inside of her. She just let him be.
