Things that belong to me: A sweet new argyle sweater. A stunted wardrobe that needs to be supplemented. Tickets to the Silversun Pickups show in Columbus this week! Yesss.
Things that don't belong to me: Edward, Bella, Alice, or anything from S.M.'s dreams.
BPOV:
I was in the midst of some of the best sleep I'd gotten since I had left Forks. I was in the middle of a pleasant dream about meeting my favorite band. Life was good.
Very, very few people could get away with pulling me from a slumber this great without facing verbal repercussions.
Edward Cullen was one of these people.
"Hello?" I answered, trying to disguise the edge of fatigue tingeing my voice.
"Hello, Bella. I was wondering if you wanted to accompany me through the city today? Maybe explore or go to dinner," he said.
"Sounds great!" Oh God, how transparent was I? Play it cool, Bella! I chided myself. "Do you have any plans for us in particular?"
"It's a surprise. Can I meet you at your apartment?"
"Sure, by the time you get here I should be ready. Just text me when you get off the subway. And be safe," I said, turning his most repeated line back onto him.
He laughed into the receiver, but something sounded a bit off.
"I'll see what I can do. Goodbye, Bella."
I quickly showered and threw on some jeans and a concert t-shirt. One of the biggest benefits of a day with Edward versus a day with Alice was a majorly relaxed dress-code. Okay, that and the eye candy.
In the almost month that I had spent in the city, I had spent an uncountable number of nights with Edward. He had been with me at every concert that I had reviewed. He patiently showed me the best subway routes to the places of the city which were still unfamiliar to me. He routinely walked me to my apartment at the end of our time together, and the gap between us as we said our goodbyes continued to shrink every time. If 24 hours passed without seeing him, I'd inexplicably feel sad. I was pretty sure I was addicted to Edward.
I wished I could read Edward's mind, even just once. To survey the depths and see if there was any hint of my feelings pulsing in his veins. I wanted to tell Edward about my feelings, but the only thing worse than hiding them would be to find him cut out of my life altogether. More than anything, though, I wanted to push him against my door and kiss him deeply instead of his nightly "Be safe" falling upon my ears.
Bad Bella.
I had carefully surveyed the signs in my mind. His almost constant presence and ridiculous paranoia for my safety seemed to hint that he might feel similarly. But after a month of dropping me off in front of my door with nary a kiss, lingering glances, or offers to accompany him to his apartment, I had all but lost hope. That didn't mean I couldn't imagine kissing him, though. A little all too frequently, at that.
I sat on my recently purchased couch (I was moving up!) and tried to sweep all less-than-puritanical thoughts of Edward from my mind. Once I finally had succeeded, my phone vibrated with a text message, and my heart was thumping once again. Back to square one, I thought as I sighed and quickly locked my door and caught an elevator to the lobby.
As I saw Edwards face through the door at the main entrance, I was shocked by the dark circles under his eyes and the sad expression on his face. Hauntingly beautiful. Concern overtook my mind.
"What's wrong?" I demanded as I threw open the door. Edward widened his eyes as the door hit the wall with a thud.
"Sorry," I whispered.
"…Nothing's wrong," he said. "Are you ready to go?"
"You look like hell," I said without thinking. "Well, I mean, not hell, but…"
"I'll be fine," he said unconvincingly.
"I forgot something upstairs, would you mind running back up with me?"
I lied. If he wanted to evade my questions, I could be tricky in return.
"Sure," he said as we entered the building.
If I hadn't been silently freaking over what Edward wasn't saying, I may have remembered that my apartment was not entirely presentable. As it was, though, the thought didn't enter my mind until I re-opened the door.
"Oh…. It might take me a while to find it," I said with an apologizing tone. "Have a seat," I gestured to the couch.
He sat in a midst of notepads, magazines, and pictures, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Screw the evasions! I decided as I moved the notebooks and sat beside him.
"Edward, what is wrong. I'm not buying 'nothing', either." I said sternly.
The look on my face told him that it wasn't up for discussion.
"Do you want to talk here or on the way wherever you had planned?"
"Here," he said in a low voice.
EPOV:
As I sat on Bella's couch, my heart felt as if it was pounding from inside my throat. I didn't know where to begin. The beginning, I decided.
"This is kind of a long story, is that okay?"
She nodded. I didn't want her to look so worried.
"When I was in high school, I was a pretty serious kid. My life revolved around school, grades, and my future. During my freshman year I decided that I needed to decide on a college. I threw myself into researching towns, colleges, and post-graduation employment rates."
I hadn't really admitted this to anyone other than my family before. Other than to Dr. Bain, that is.
"As high school progressed and I got closer to graduation, I steadily felt worse. My stomach ached constantly, I couldn't fall asleep, and once I did I'd wake up every hour. At the insistence of my parents, I went to see a psychologist, Dr. Bain, at the beginning of my senior year. After a few sessions, he diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder."
Bella was focused on me with a caring look on her face. I knew she was open-minded, but I hoped that my admissions wouldn't taint her opinion of me.
"I was on Buspirone for the remainder of my senior year, and once I began college I felt well enough to stop taking it. That last through… well, probably about two months ago," I finished as I hid my face in my hands.
"I'm sorry if I pressured you into tell me," Bella said. When I looked up to glance at her, I noticed there were tears welling up in her eyes.
"Why are you crying?" I asked, voice still raspy with remembrance of far less happy times.
"I'm not crying," she said as she wiped falling tears from the sides of her eyes. "I'm fine, I'm just worried about you."
"I'm going to find a new doctor," I promised.
"Why do you think you've been feeling anxious?" She asked me, still wiping her eyes.
"Hey, stop that," I said gently as I wiped away a tear from her face with my own fingers.
"I had a lot of pre-conceived ideas about what my life would be like post-college. I envisioned working hard and rising to the top of a big company, traveling a lot, finding someone to spend my life with," I said with a sigh.
"So far, none of it has really worked out. I'm two years out of school and I'm no better than I was fresh out of high school. I see everyone around me succeeding, and I just wonder why it isn't happening for me," I said stoically. "I'm not trying to complain, it's just…. It's just not what I expected. I feel like I'm not good enough for my family, my friends, or…" I said, mentally adding for you. I was surprised to feel tears prickling at my own eyes. Great, I thought as we sat in silence.
"Edward?" Bella's voice called me from my own reflections.
"You are too hard on yourself," she said, taking my hand into hers.
"Hey," she whispered, moving my face with our combined hands to look at her, continuing speaking once we locked eyes.
"The only thing you need to be great is to be yourself."
My heart lunged. She didn't hate me. She didn't think I was a freak. As I looked into her eyes, still glistening, I knew I couldn't hold it back anymore.
"I want to be great enough for you, Bella." I said as I leaned in closer to her. It was all or nothing.
"You are more perfect to me than you'll ever know," she said, closing the distance between the two of us.
I gently cupped the side of her face with my hand, and kissed Bella with the month's worth of fervor that had been building up inside me.
I was ecstatic when Bella kissed me back, softly at first, building with urgency.
"Edward," she whispered. Was she not comfortable with this? I pulled back immediately.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asked, smiling.
I wrapped my arms around her and continued the most perfect first kiss in history.
Author's Note:
AH!!!!! It's about time, right?
Thoughts on what might happen next chapter? Will they keep their relationship a secret or broadcast it from the rooftops?
Thanks to those who reviewed last chapter. Those who review this or any previous chapter will find a preview of the next chapter in their inbox before it's posted, so it's definitely worth your while to drop me a line or two : )
Title from: "Still Fighting It" by Ben Folds
