Dealing With It – Part 8

Jack drove away from Nina's as fast as he could, swearing under his breath, running a hand through his hair frantically and almost too angry to concentrate on driving. What the hell had he done now? Was he out of his mind?!! Kissing Ninaâ€it was just so stupid!

He had to get back to Teri. It was the only thing to do. If he got home and made it up with her, then this would all be OK. He'd be able to explain to Nina that he'd been having a bad day and he was really sorry, but it was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again. She was sure to understand – she knew he was married, she knew that he loved his family. And...well, Nina was so attractive, there was no way she'd have her heart set on someone unattainable would she? She'd be able to get anyone she wanted. Jack felt a little better. Yes – they must have both just got caught up in the moment. He'd been stressed out and she'd understood. They'd just clicked for a moment there. It was just one moment and now it was over. They'd done a stupid thing, they both regretted it – and now they'd move on.

Of course, this threw up a whole new dilemma. Should he tell Teri? Yes, he should. Butâ€.Jack recoiled from the idea of telling her such a thing. She was angry enough at him already – was there any way she wouldn't throw him out if he told her he'd kissed another woman? Probably not. Jack thumped the steering wheel in anger and let out a long string of expletives. How the hell could he have been so stupid?!! What the fk was the matter with him anyway? If anyone had told him that morning that he would have kissed a woman other than Teri – for the first time in about sixteen years – by the end of the day, he would've called them crazy. It had totally come out of left field, he hadn't planned it in any way... but Jacks mind betrayed him at this point.

No, he hadn't planned it. But he had thought about it before. This was only the second time he'd seen her outside work, when it was just the two of them – and he remembered the first time clearly. Remembered thinking even then that he'd thought about her before – and that had been a year ago. Exactly how long had he had Nina in the back of his mind...?

He shoved that train of thought away angrily. What man didn't look at other women and admire them if they were attractive? The point was – he'd never actually considered doing anything about it. Not once had he ever made a plan to get Nina to like him, not once had he ever tried to make a move on her. Yes, he'd looked at her a few times in a way that was not strictly professional...but he'd never...Oh God! What was he going to do? He pounded the steering wheel a few more times but it didn't help to clear his head.

He was back in Santa Monica and just ten minutes from his house. Could he really just walk back in there and not say anything to Teri? Pretend that he was alright and apologise for his behaviour this weekend? She had a right to be angry at him, he saw that now. He had been rude to her friends and treated her terribly that morning, yelling at her when she'd just been concerned about him. Jack felt terrible. He came to 10th, where he lived – but didn't make the turn. He drove towards the ocean instead.

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Nina sat in her living room, trying to make sense of everything that had happened that morning. The way he had kissed her...it made her shiver just to think about it, and thrills shot through her body. It was even better than she'd thought it would be – and she'd thought it would be pretty damn good!

But then he'd run away. She should have known he would. A man with strong moral fibre like him was bound to be hit hard by guilt. Nina felt none, didn't give Teri and Kim a single thought. She wanted Jack – and for one glorious moment, she'd had him, all to herself...and then reality had kicked in and he'd run a mile. Sh!t! She had to fix this and fix it quickly otherwise things would be excruciating at work tomorrow – and above all else, she couldn't afford to lose his trust at work. That would really blow everything.

Nina checked her watch. Would he be at home yet? She had to talk to him, and before he got back to Teri. She guessed he'd head straight back there and try to resolve whatever the problem had been with her. Nina knew that she had to make sure he wouldn't confess this to his wife – if Teri kicked him out, Jack would never come near her again. From both a personal and professional viewpoint, that could not happen.

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Jack sat on a bench under the palm trees by the side of Ocean Drive in Santa Monica. The sidewalks were packed, it was a sunny day and it was the weekend – most of LA seemed to descend on the beach on days like today. But Jack was oblivious to them all, he seemed to spend his life oblivious to his surroundings these days. He looked past the Pacific Coast Highway and the parking lots next to the pier, and stared out to the ocean beyond. It was having its normal calming effect on him but he didn't feel the desire to walk down to the beach to get closer to it – he just wanted to sit and think and try and sort out what he was going to tell Teri when he got home. But he wasn't getting any closer to a solution. When his phone rang, he sighed heavily, he could do without any more talking...but he answered it anyway.

'Jack? Are you OK?'

'Nina.' His throat closed over and something like panic welled up inside him. Why was she calling? How had he got himself into this mess? And how did he get out of it?!

'Look Nina, I'm really reall'

She cut him off. 'Jack its OK! I just called because...well, I think what happened was a big mistake. I guess you're feeling really bad right now and I just wanted to tell you not to worry. It was nothing, just a spur of the moment thing. I don't want this to affect our working relationship in any way.'

Jack breathed a huge sigh of relief. But it was tinged with...what? Disappointment? Yes, disappointment – and Jack immediately felt sick with himself for feeling that way. But he had to hide that, he couldn't let her know.

'Nina, I agree. I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened. I guess I was just having a bad day and it was unforgivable of me to take advantage of you like that. I really hope this doesn't make things awkward for us.'

'No, it won't. Not at all. Please just forget all about it.'

Jack hesitated. Did he want to forget about it? No. Yes! He had to. 'OK Nina. And thank you for being so understanding. I'll see you at work tomorrow.'

She said good bye and hung up. Jack stared straight ahead of him, trying to fight the emotions battling inside. He loved Teri, he'd do anything for her. But Nina was...something else. She was someone he could talk to, she understood the pressures of the job, she was fun to be around and didn't make him feel guilty for having a bad day. She was uncomplicated. But Jack wouldn't touch her again. He was not the sort of man who cheated on his wife, he just wasn't.

He just wished he didn't feel like he wanted to.

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Nina hung up and fought the urge to cry. She hadn't cried since she was a teenager. And never over a man.

But Jack was different. He was a good guy, not someone who would use her and throw her away, surely. He was not a scumbag either. Jack was better than that. And Nina felt lonely, really lonely, for the first time in years. Never mind that it would be an impossible relationship even if he weren't married – she had too many secrets to ever allow him to get close to her. She just wished that he'd get closer than he was right now.

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Jack opened the door to his house, filled with trepidation. He had no idea what sort of reception he'd get. He knew the kind he'd deserve - but he'd decided not to tell Teri about Nina. He couldn't hurt his wife like that - it would have to be one of those things he kept from her, just one more secret to add to the others. Maybe the hardest secret. But if he told her she'd probably kick him out – and he couldn't bear the thought of that. No matter if he deserved it or not, he couldn't handle the thought of being without her or Kim.

He resolved once again to try harder. All of this was his fault, he knew that – there was tension between them because he was failing to maintain the happy façade he'd promised to keep in place. It was more important than ever that he keep that wall up – if it came down, he'd lose everything. Jack walked towards the den where he figured Teri would be, taking a deep breath to steady his nerves and carefully constructing a neutral face so that the guilt wouldn't show. Somewhere in his mind there was a maniacal laugh – he was on an undercover mission in his own house! He squashed the thought as fast as he could.

Teri hadn't heard him come in but she looked up when she saw him in the door way. She was curled up in one of the big squashy armchairs they kept in there, her hands curled round a large mug of coffee. 'Just like Nina was this morning' was the thought that popped unbidden into Jacks mind, before he could stop it. Teri didn't smile, there was no expression at all on her face. Jack looked down at her and thought his heart was going to break - how could he have done this to her? He carefully sat down in a chair opposite hers.

'Where's Kim?'

'At the movies with Stephanie.'

'Teri...' He didn't have a clue what to say. There was a drawn out silence and he couldn't find the words to fill it.

'Where have you been Jack?'

'I just went for a drive. I needed to clear my head.'

She looked at him steadily. 'Is it clear now?'

NO.

'Yes, its clear now honey. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. I've been such a jerk. You're right to be mad at me, I know you are. I'm going to phone Teresa and Dave to apologise to them for last night. Just tell me what I can do to make it up to you.'

She just looked at him and suddenly Jack was terrified. Had it gone too far? Was she mad enough at him to want rid of him? Surely not....but he couldn't stop the fear. What if...

'You can talk to me Jack. That's all I want you to do. I need to know what's going on in your head.' Teri tried to hold back the tears, but couldn't and when he saw her struggle, Jack felt like he was going to cry too.

'Because I can't stand this silence anymore Jack, I can't. You've been shutting me out for so long now' She broke off, unable to continue. Jack listened to her weeping and closed his eyes desperately, trying not to lose it himself – he wanted nothing more than to go and hold her in his arms right now, take her pain away. But how could he? He was hurting her so badly...and he'd just kissed another woman. He had some awful feeling that if he got too close to her, she'd be able to smell his guilt and that would be it.

He was going to have to tell her something – anything – that could explain his behaviour.

'Honey...I'll talk to you now. I'll explain everything. Please stop crying.' Or I'm going to start, he thought to himself. Teri wiped her eyes and looked at him expectantly and Jack found himself thinking quickly. Obviously he couldn't tell her the truth but maybe something obtuse would suffice.

'There's something big going on at work. An on-going investigation that's taking a lot of time. That's why I'm away so much....' He stopped as Teri shook her head, uncurled herself from the chair and walked out of the den. He got up and followed her into the kitchen.

'Teri? What's the matter?' She threw her cup into the sink then turned to face him, anger plainly evident on her face. When she spoke it was with a bitterness that Jack wasn't used to hearing come from her.

'Work Jack? That's your excuse? Jesus, I thought you could come up with something better than that!'

'It's the truth'

'Ever since the third year of our marriage it's been work with you! First the Army and now CTU. You've been away for months at a time before now, and I've coped and it's been fine. But you've never been like this. You've never given me the cold shoulder before. So what's really going on? I need to know!'

He looked at her helplessly. What could he say? There was nothing. She waited for a reply and after a minute, when it didn't come, she simply walked away. Jack was left standing alone and helpless, staring at the floor, unable to find the words to call her back.