Chapter 8 - Hesitation

In the months following Calleigh's kidnapping and rescue, she and Eric had grown even closer, and with each passing day, he'd fallen a little more in love with her. But one thing that the passage of time had not done, was make her romantic feelings for him any clearer. It was obvious that, for some time now, she'd considered him a best friend and confidant whom she trusted unreservedly; and that trust had continued to deepen as they'd supported each other through the personal and work-related hazards that life had thrown their way. She'd gradually revealed more and more of herself to him; gifting him with little kernels of her inner being that she'd kept secret from everyone else. And he'd gladly accepted each and every one of those hidden gems, finding in them even more reasons for loving her as much as he did. But he still couldn't tell whether her affection - strong though it was - extended beyond friendship. In that respect, she persisted in playing her cards close to the vest, remaining as tight-lipped as ever, and leaving him struck in limbo somewhere between cautious optimism, frustrating insecurity, and utter confusion.

Some days, it seemed as though making the transition from colleagues to coupledom would be an easy matter. Those were the days when Eric would catch Calleigh's emerald eyes drinking him in with palpable attraction; as though she were picturing him in her love life ... or the two of them in some naughty scenario, engaging in activities much too passionate for mere pals. On top of that, it appeared that Jake was finally out of the picture; and not a moment too soon, in Eric's view. Unlike some other aspects of her life, she hadn't discussed the circumstances of her and Jake's split in detail with Eric. But based on the little that she'd revealed to him and the general office gossip, he'd been able to piece together that Jake had decided to go back under cover, and that - fortunately for Eric - Calleigh had apparently seen that as a sign that it'd been time to make a clean break from the ATF detective.

Without Jake as an obstacle, the road ahead for Eric and Calleigh should have been a smooth one ... in an ideal world. But real life, as always, was seldom that easy. Rather than giving Eric any clear indication that his feelings for her were mutual, if anything, she'd been slightly cagier with her emotions since becoming a single woman again. That had never been clearer than when Eric had tried to broach the subject of his psychotherapy records with Calleigh following the homicide of Dr. Rachel Marsh, the therapist that Eric had been seeing to deal with the psychological fallout from his gunshot to the head. Months after the fact, he was still kicking himself over that conversation, or lack thereof, as it had turned out. The psychiatrist's daughter had been killed in her mother's home-office, followed shortly thereafter by Dr. Marsh herself. In connection with that investigation, Eric and Calleigh had pored over Dr. Marsh's therapy files, looking for clues that could lead them to the murderer. Notes containing the secret thoughts that Eric had revealed during his sessions with the deceased therapist had been among those files; notes that had detailed his change in perspective following his brush with death, his reflections about his future, and the fact that he envisioned Calleigh as an integral part of that future.

There had been no doubt in Eric's mind that Calleigh had read his file. Indeed, as they'd been reviewing Dr. Marsh's records, Eric was almost positive that he'd heard Calleigh's breath hitch when she'd read something on a page of notes that he'd figured must have concerned him. But he'd dropped the subject when she'd stonewalled his inquiry about what had prompted her reaction. And worse still, he'd lost his nerve and allowed to her to walk away from him when, later that day, he'd asked her point-blank whether she'd read his file. He'd been hoping to use that question as a segue into a talk that might have given him some idea as to whether she would return or reject his romantic notions. But she'd eluded his query with a non-responsive, non-committal acknowledgment that she and Eric made "a good team," and then he'd let her saunter away from him with a coy, "see you tomorrow." Calleigh had plainly been uncomfortable discussing Eric's psychotherapy records, or more precisely, the feelings for her that they'd contained, and she'd seemed grateful to make an escape without delving beneath the surface.

Needless to say, that encounter had squashed Eric's already fragile confidence and had started the vicious cycle of self-doubt all over again. Just when he'd begun to hope that she might be ready to explore something deeper between them, she'd withdrawn from him, setting them two steps back and making him re-think the wisdom of sharing his feelings with her. Then again, given her spotty track record on affairs of the heart, he couldn't really fault her for being a bit leery of getting into another romantic liaison so soon after the one with Jake had ended. Calleigh the ballistics expert may have been virtually fearless regarding her beloved firearms, but when it came to the prospect of a new romantic relationship with Eric, she was understandably gun-shy.


A few months after the Marsh murder investigation had wrapped, Fate handed Eric another chance to recapture that missed opportunity to take things with Calleigh to the next level. The CSI team was trying to determine how a young man with amnesia (ultimately found to be named Doug Benson) had ended up wondering the streets of Miami covered in blood from a mother, father and daughter. The case resonated deeply with Eric, since he knew what it was like to struggle with memory loss, having suffered from it after his shooting. He couldn't help but empathize with Doug, who, quite frankly, seemed more like a lost child than a cold-blooded criminal. Eric had been doing an admirable job of walking the fine line between his hunch regarding Doug's innocence, and following the evidence, until the CSI learned a bit of troubling news about the suspect. Doug's father had been murdered right in front of him when he was just eight years old, and now, he had no family left. Eric remembered how scary and isolating his own cognitive deficits had been after his head injury, and he knew that the main reason he'd been able to overcome it all had been due to the support of his family, colleagues, and especially Calleigh. He couldn't imagine what it must have been like for Doug to have to face such a daunting hurdle alone; and for some reason, that really bothered Delko.

Ever in tune to him, it didn't take long for Calleigh to notice that something was amiss. She and Eric were sitting on the sidewalk of the street where the cops had picked Doug up, waiting for detective Frank Tripp to join them so they could start their search for the red hat that the suspect had been spotted wearing at the murder scene.

Meeting his pained chocolate brown eyes with her concerned jade gaze, she ventured tentatively, "You doing okay?" Her knowing tone suggested that she already suspected the answer.

For a split-second, Eric considered deflecting her query and sweeping his unease under the carpet, but he just as quickly nixed the idea. Calleigh had always possessed such an uncanny knack for reading him like a wide-open book that attempting to hide anything from her was always an exercise in downright futility. Besides, her guileless, reassuring look drew him to her like a bee to honey, and made him want to confide in her.

"Nah, not really," he replied. It was hardly an expansive admission, but he already felt like the dark cloud over him was beginning to lift. "I just found out that Doug's all alone. He doesn't have a wife or family ..." Eric trailed off. There was no need for him to explain why this fact worried him so much, as Calleigh could tell that he was recalling the dark period in his own life when his mind had refused to cooperate with him.

Fixing him with a sincere, but slightly shy look, she assured him, "You know you're not Doug, right?"

"Yeah, I know," he answered automatically, grateful that he hadn't been in Doug's lonesome shoes back then. However, the rest of what Eric was dying to say wasn't quite so easy to push past the nervous lump in his throat. He wanted to tell Calleigh how much her unflagging support had meant to him during that time; to confess that it had been the catalyst that had tipped the scales from friendship to love from his vantage point. But then, he started reminding himself of all the times that she'd seemed troubled by the idea of herself and Eric dating. A couple of years back, she'd pretty much confirmed that she'd never go down that road with him, as opposed to Jake, because she and Delko were part of the same team at work. That hadn't changed, and since then, she hadn't made any concrete gestures signaling that she'd altered her mindset on the issue. If anything, her resolute attempts to avoid discussing the emotional disclosures in Dr. Marsh's notes seemed to underscore that Calleigh's apparent aversion to seeing Eric romantically was, sadly, just as strong as ever. Admittedly, she'd given him subtle hints to the contrary here-and-there, but he needed more than that before he stuck his neck out. There was simply too much at stake: If she didn't share his desire for an intimate relationship and turned him down, it would ruin not only their professional rapport, but also the close friendship between them that had been built over the course of several years.

Since the unmistakable sign that he longed for was apparently, not forthcoming, Eric reined in his burning desire to confess all, and simply added, "Your friendship means a lot to me, Calleigh." Labeling the depth of his emotions for her as mere friendship felt watered-down. It wasn't that he didn't value their mutual trust and affection, but the term felt like a bit of a cop-out, and an odd sense of defeat washed over him as it crossed his lips. He wished with every fiber of his being that he could say more, but he wasn't sure that she was ready to hear it.

Calleigh's eyes widened a little at his revelation. Though she was doubtless aware that she served as one of his closest confidantes, she seemed surprised that he'd actually admitted it out loud. The same woman who faced ruthless criminals head-on became slightly bashful under Eric's intense stare, which communicated the loaded subliminal messages beneath his words.

An endearing blush crept up her face as she responded, "I didn't know you felt that way."

She was determined not to make this easy for him, it seemed, and Eric chuckled wryly at her insistence on dodging the obvious. Before he could bite his tongue, he blurted out, "How could you not know that? You read my file." There, he'd said it. Certainly, there could be no way for her to wriggle out of discussing this now. But he'd underestimated his partner.

Calleigh paused for a beat, evidently trying to come up with a plausible evasive maneuver, and then countered with, "That was an unrelated case. It's important to me to respect your privacy." Her explanation hung in the air between them, sounding woefully feeble to them both, and it was plain as day that neither of them was buying it in the least.

A few charged seconds passed as Eric wrestled with himself as to how much he should say. For an instant, he almost threw caution to the wind, sorely tempted to give into his yearning to lay it all out on the table; and then let the chips fall where they may. In fact, the urge was so strong that he literally had to bite his lower lip to stop himself from confessing just how crazy he really was about her. Not helping his confused state was the fact that Calleigh was sitting in front of him, looking like she'd just stepped out of one of his fantasies. The blazing Florida sun was dancing over the golden highlights in her blond hair, a light breeze off Biscayne Bay whipping tendrils of it around her face. Her stint outdoors had lent her skin a warm, inviting glow, and he lost himself in her expectant gaze as his lovestruck brain scrambled to figure out what to do next. He felt a bit like a cartoon character with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other: The former encouraging him to be completely honest about his emotions and assuring him that it would be for the best; and the latter filling his mind with fears and misgivings, warning him that spilling his guts would only blow up in his face. And, in the midst of this internal battle, he found himself as tongue-tied as a thirteen year-old on his first date.

But before Eric could make a move one way or the other, Tripp accosted the twosome, breaking the spell and steering the conversation back to the investigative task at hand. Beneath the transplanted Texan's gruff exterior lay a heart of gold that made him a treasured surrogate member of the CSI team, but at this precise moment, Delko silently cursed the detective's atrocious timing. Eric couldn't suppress an irritated sigh at having yet another opportunity snatched from his grasp, and he stole a glance at Calleigh, wanting to read her reaction to the inconvenient interruption. He might have just imagined it, but he could have sworn that he'd caught a glimpse of what looked a lot like disappointment skirting briefly across her face; as though she too, sensed that something monumental had been afoot before tough luck had intervened. By way of consolation, he told himself that it was probably a sign that this wasn't the right time for any passionate declarations; though, deep down, he knew better.

Besides, if Eric had had any doubts as to whether Calleigh was ready for him to put his heart out there on his sleeve, they were dispelled in no uncertain terms later that day. When he bumped into her back at CSI headquarters, he apologized for putting her on the spot earlier about what she'd seen in his former therapist's file. In response, she adopted her typical, impassive Duquesne-demeanor and tried to shrug off his mea culpa with a blasé "forget it."

With a sudden burst of courage that struck out of the blue like an errant lightning bolt, Eric retorted, "What if I don't want to?" He wondered where his newfound tenacity had come from.

Calleigh rolled her eyes in obvious frustration. "Eric, I'm so confused. What do you want? You are going to have to tell me, because until I actually hear you say the words, I don't even know if you believe it yourself. Do you know what I'm saying?" By the time he got around to murmuring his sheepish agreement, she'd walked away.

Would Calleigh be a receptive sounding board for his feelings? Well now, he had his answer.