A/N: As always, I hope you guys enjoy... your feedback is appreciated!
Derek's eyes drifted from the operating table to the gallery above. He always felt a surge of pride and, if he would allow himself to admit it, attraction when he found Addison observing his surgery. His surgery. And it was now a habit to search for the beautiful redhead in the room above.
An unconscious sigh escaped his lips when he realized the only person watching the surgery was a neurology fellow who wasn't even really paying attention. Behind the surgical mask that covered most of his face, Derek bit his lip. It was painful to realize that Addison didn't even care enough to watch him perform surgery. The mutual respect they held for each other's talent was one of the few things he could count on in their shaky marriage, and now he wondered if Addison had lost even that.
His eyes finally dropped back to the brain in front of him. Obsessing over his wife's absence wasn't proving to be productive at any time, and it certainly wasn't making things better for anyone if he allowed it to interfere with his work. And, with that, he emptied his mind of everything except the medical knowledge he needed for a successful surgery.
"Is Dr. Webber in his office, Patricia?" Addison asked the chief's receptionist.
Patricia answered with a smile and a nod, motioning for Addison to walk into the chief's office.
Richard was on the phone when Addison stepped into the room, and he motioned for Addison to take a seat in one of the two chairs in front of his desk. She shut the door behind her for privacy's sake. She then sat in front of her mentor and watched him casually.
She had met Richard years before when she and Derek were Interns. Richard was an attending and had immediately taken a liking to the strong-willed and talented redhead. Though their specialties were not the same, he had seen potential in Addison and had taken her under his wing as a mentor. Their relationship had soon blossomed into a friendship, and she now considered both Richard and his wife two of her closest friends.
Which was why, in one of the toughest and most confusing times of her life, Addison had come into his office for guidance. She smiled as her eyes traveled along the pictures Richard had displayed on the table behind his desk. There was several of Adele at her most beautiful, interspersed with two pictures of the Webber's daughter. Addison beamed when she saw a picture of herself and Derek dressed in evening attire at the banquet held to send Richard off to Seattle.
"Sorry about that, Addie," The chief turned to the woman in front of him, "I've been trying to work out a transfer with Mercy West all day, but it seems to be caught up in red tape."
Addison was still observing the picture of herself and Derek, at their happiest, when Richard finished his explanation. She nodded, "That's hospital bureaucracy for you."
He smiled appreciatively, and he glanced to the picture that had caught Addison's attention, "It's a good photo of you both."
"You keep us right up there with pictures of Adele and Nicole?" Addison turned her attention to her mentor.
"You're family, why wouldn't I?" He answered as if it were completely obvious.
All Addison could muster was a bittersweet smile. Richard, a man she adored but was not related to, considered her and Derek family. And there was a certain irony in that. At this time, she wasn't even certain that she considered Derek her family, and she knew Derek certainly wasn't thinking of Addison as his family.
"What's weighing on your mind, Addison?" Richard wondered softly, apparently sensing Addison's inner turmoil.
She sighed and shook her head, "I have some news."
Richard nodded, urging her to continue, "Hmm?"
"I, um," Addison paused, the last time she had announced to someone that she was expecting had been Derek. And that hadn't gone well at all.
"Addison, you can tell me anything."
She breathed deeply and exhaled before answering, "I recently found out that—that I'm pregnant."
Several moments of silence followed Addison's announcement, just as they had when she'd told Derek, but the look on the Chief's face was nothing like Derek's. After a quick look of shock, his lips had slowly curved into a proud smile.
"Well, that's wonderful, Addie," He said genuinely, "When are you due?"
"Mid-November," She answered, "I'm about six weeks along."
"So, you think you're going to get maternity leave during the Christmas season? That is our busiest time of the year," He teased her.
Addison rolled her eyes, "Always the Chief."
"And that's why I'm the Chief," He asserted with a grin before wondering, on a more serious note, "And how does Derek feel about this?"
The laughter of just moments before disappeared at Richard's question. Addison allowed a sigh to escape her lips. The Chief knew of her and Derek's marital struggles, but she would never be comfortable discussing their troubles with him. With Richard, Addison had always been on a pedestal; she had felt as if she could do no wrong. Admitting to her infidelity made her flawed in his eyes, and she didn't like to accept that.
She shook her head, her lower lip quivering slightly, "It's tough right now, Richard. For both of us."
Webber's eyes took a moment to survey Addison's pained face before responding, "I know, Addie. I know."
Addison gave him a wary look and shook her head, "I—I don't think you do. It's not supposed to be this hard. I question, everyday, whether or not Derek even wants to be with me."
She paused, her voice catching in her throat as she choked away a sob. With tears glistening in her eyes, she continued, "I told him that I was having his baby, and he couldn't even muster a smile. This is Derek; someone I never thought would hurt me. We've hurt each other, and I know I'm party to blame. But I'm trying so hard to make him my Derek again. He doesn't even want to be."
Richard stood from his chair behind his desk and walked around so he was sitting on the edge of the desk in front of her. He reached out in a fatherly gesture and wiped away a tear that was dripping down her cheek.
"Go home, Addie," He smiled at her, "You're not in any shape to be here working; you need to take care of yourself. I'll find someone to cover for you."
"I'm not leaving," Addison rolled her eyes.
"Addison, you're going to work yourself sick," He chided, "Especially if you bury yourself in it when you're struggling."
"That's the pot calling the kettle black," She retorted through her tears.
Richard chuckled, "Don't think that is going to make me let you stay. This is for your own good, Addie."
Derek's Range Rover roared to life as he turned the key in the ignition and slipped it into reverse and pulled from his parking stall in the hospital parking lot. He was soon zipping through traffic, on the familiar path to the ferry that would take him back to the trailer. Navigating the path didn't require much thought from Derek, so he found his mind drifting.
He could once again see Kyle and Celia Booker; the couple that had made him realize the error in his ways. Derek had seen himself in Kyle. He was the man who had forgotten his wife. He had seen Addison in Celia. A woman so desperate she was willing to risk her life to get his attention or, in Addison's case, to sleep with her husband's best friend.
The Booker's had been lucky. They had rediscovered their love for each other before Celia's aneurysm had the chance to kill her. He had started to see her, and she had found the man she had married. And Derek had complete faith that Kyle wouldn't let his wife slip away so easily again because he, Derek, would never want to make the same mistake with Addison twice.
But had he? Had he really pushed Addison so far that she didn't even want to be there anymore? Had that shot of pain and fury he had seen in her eyes when he had given her his stunned reaction to the news of the baby been the final death of Addison's love? Was she just there? Was she truly indifferent? Was she done with him?
Derek left the Range Rover and made his way to the railing of the ferry. It was dark, and the lights of the ferry only provided him a slight view of the still water that lay in front of him. But he knew it was there; he had come to this railing with Addison many mornings before work. Though he never told her, he loved their early morning ferryboat rides. In fact, he'd never given her any honest consideration when they leaned against the railing; he had kept the sarcastic distance that made it easier to deal with her.
He sighed as he realized that the ferryboat wasn't the only place he denied Addison credit for making him happy. He had never told her how much it warmed his heart when she allowed him a sip of cocoa, her juju, before taking it and finishing it herself. He had been afraid to admit how comforting it was to wake up with her arms wrapped around his waist. He had told her that he found it annoying when she would rest her head on his shoulder to see whatever he was doing on his BlackBerry when, in fact, he found it endearing that she wanted to check up on him.
And Derek had never taken the time to mention that seeing her in the gallery observing him during surgery made him a better surgeon. Knowing that Addison was there was powerful. He felt loved. He felt confident. He felt wanted. He felt needed. He felt admired. All of this just because Addison took the time out of her day to watch him work, and he had never admitted.
As Derek directed his vehicle off of the now docked ferryboat, he wondered if he hadn't even realized how much he valued her presence until today. When his eyes had glanced into the gallery, he hadn't consciously been looking for Addison. But he had certainly felt her absence when she wasn't there. Derek silently cursed himself. He had let Addison become such a habit that he didn't even know when she was around.
And he hadn't even begun to consider how cruel his reaction to the baby had been. He had stood there, honestly terrified and almost angry, and said nothing. With a simple "Okay" he had left Addison alone. And Derek could not figure out exactly why he had done it.
What did he have to gain by hurting her in that way? It was a baby, for crying out loud. He doted heavily on his nieces and nephews. He loved children. And, at one point in his time, he would have found nothing more amazing than to have Addison carrying his child. And now all he wanted to do was to be vindictive, to ignore the baby and cause her pain.
Derek pulled the Range Rover into its spot next to Addison's car and glanced to the trailer. The lights were on, verifying that Addison was still awake. He turned off the vehicle but didn't make any moves to get out.
He couldn't spend the rest of his life angry with her. He couldn't spend the rest of his life being vindictive. He couldn't spend the rest of his life ignoring her. He needed her too much. And she needed him. At least he hoped so. She was carrying his child, and Derek hoped that counted for something. Or, with the way she was treating him, it could have counted for nothing.
Derek wasn't sure where they stood on anything. He was swimming in confusion. And the only conclusions he could draw led to more questions. Addison was the person he usually turned to when he needed answers. She always seemed to know exactly what he was supposed to do, and she had never steered him wrong before.
His eyes settled on the trailer. It was time to go to Addison. It was time to talk to her. Spending time alone, wallowing in his struggles, wasn't getting him anywhere. Maybe turning to the woman he was so torn over would make the difference. It had to. Otherwise, Derek wasn't sure what he would do.
He grabbed his duffel bag before leaving the Range Rover. The short walk to the front door of the trailer seemed to have grown. It felt as if he were heading to judgment day because there was still the distinct chance that Addison really didn't care. He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly as his hand turned the knob to the trailer door and he stepped inside.
Addison was on the bed reading a magazine, in much the same position as when he'd come home after treating Celia Booker. He leaned over and patted Doc on the head, afraid to finally turn to Addison. He could only stall for so long, and he finally turned to start for the bedroom of the trailer.
She lifted her eyes from the magazine, casually observing him but said nothing. Her gaze terrified Derek because he couldn't read it. There was no way to tell what she was thinking. He sighed and leaned against the doorjamb, not really sure of what to say.
"You weren't there," He said softly, "During my surgery, you weren't in the gallery."
