Disclaimer: See disclaimer in chapter 2.

A/N- See here, this is a prime example of what happens when the author sits on the sofa and does nothing for an entire day. Not very pretty…


Learning

There are many things that I do not yet understand.

I am still young, still learning. Those empty spaces are there, waiting to be filled with the truths of this world.

"Starfire please pass me the salt."

I have seen many things that do not make sense to me even after all these years.

"Of course Raven. I would be happy to."

They are like a deck of cards in my mind. While I can look at them, I cannot understand them in this scattered state. They have no meaning and no order in their current arrangement

"Thank you Star." She does not smile. A stray hair catches somewhere on her mouth and she pushes it back subconsciously.

'If only she would let me fix her hair...' I think wistfully.

"You're most welcome."

I can feel myself becoming lost in thought, slipping into my daydreaming fancies. 'If only she would wear those clothes I bought for her…'

My eyes follow her cloak, from her hunched shoulders to where it lays puddle around her chair on the tile floor. 'If she would just sit a little straighter…' I muse. As she chews, she grunts in response to a question Beast Boy has asked.

'If only she would try a little harder…'

"Starfire?" My head turns slowly away from Raven, but even then it takes a while before my eyes tear themselves from her image to follow. It's Robin, his fork loaded and poised halfway to his mouth which tells me I must look upset.

"Are you okay?"

"I am fine Robin. You need not worry. I was simply lost in my thoughts." He's not convinced but I see his fork finish the journey anyways which means he will not say more.

'If only he wouldn't worry about me so much.' I wish. But what good have my wishes done? What good are they in our lives?

'If only Beast Boy would say what he means.'

'If only Robin would look beyond his work.'

'If only Raven would try…'

'If only…'

'If only…'

'If only.'

"Aw Rae, quit making fun of me."

Just wishes that are too late; pennies that sit rusty on the bottom of fountains and stars that hang like useless trinkets in the skies.

I look at Raven again and the same things come to mind. But now it's more than her appearance, it's her life.

"You set yourself up for it. It's hard not to."

A hundred million 'if only's swirling around inside of her, making her everything she is; a masterpiece of all the opportunities that have slipped through her fingers.

"Why can't you be nice for once?"

She is an 'if only'.

"…just shut up Beast Boy, and let me eat."

She is the sum of all them weaved together by fate while the rest of us are left to wait patiently as we watch what is being created. Then, we are compelled by our hearts to say those two wistful words when we see the finished product.

"Sorry Rae. I really didn't mean it…"

It is painful to look at. I know this as I watch Raven. But then I think...we are all 'if only's. Each of us are frayed with threads of our lives that could have lead elsewhere but were cut, leaving the stray strands behind for us to imagine what we could have had and what we could have been. Raven swallows hard beside me.

'If only she realized.'

I gaze sadly at my friends. I love them all the same, even with their mistakes and flaws and chances lost. They mean the world to me, and perhaps that is why I am so overcome with despair when I think of the day they will wake up and see what they are made up of, or rather, what they are not made up of.

'If only we hadn't trusted Terra.'

But a person cannot, must not, dwell on them. A future formed by 'if only's is nothing but future of wishes for the past. We have to focus on the now, on our dreams and our hopes before they can become just more 'if only's.

"May I please be excused?" I ask, praying my voice does not waver. Robin frowns, but there are three mumbled yes's and I'm up and out the door before he can say anything. I do not fly as I make my way down the lonely corridor. My body is much too heavy with learning. A part of me aches with the knowledge and I desperately crave release from its weight.

I want to tell Raven. She is the one in the greatest danger, the one who has already missed too much and cannot afford to lose more. He was, and is still there waiting for her across the table. Waiting for her to smile at him, to laugh with him, to even learn to love him. But I cannot reveal my thoughts, for this is something for her to learn on her own.

I just pray she doesn't let him become another 'if only' in her life.


A/N: I know, I know… It's not much of a bbxrae one-shot. It's more about me trying to dig deeper into one of life's principles when it wasn't really that deep to begin with. And so now we're left with bits and pieces of some weird philosophy I managed to come up with. Amazing isn't it? Oh and honestly, I kind of doubt Star would have these kinds of thoughts, but she was convenient so I used her POV.

I might take this off and replace it with something better if people don't like it, so please let me know!

-BN

p.s. - As much as it kills me to say this, please be picky about my grammar. I'm trying to improve my writing.