EPISODE EIGHT: THE BUSTING

I woke up in the lower Seincranium Correctional Facility when I heard "Time to rise and shine." said by a Seinborg Prison Warden. I opened my eyes, and the sweltering, white-hot pain in my wrist almost overwhelmed me.

"Breakfast time." he said, tossing the gross slop through the cold, iron bars. I had no idea what the fuck it was, when it hit the ground it began to flounder uncontrollably. I walked over to the juicy slice and slurped it good. It tasted just like a bowl-cut pile-driven into Ed Hardy's cup and sprayed with Axe Anarchy™.

"I can't live like this. I need to GET AWAY!"

I retrieved some scratch paper from my deep dark cavernous ass and began scribbling my top secret plan. It was absolutely illegible, but absolutely genius.

As the seinborg swooced right by, I let out a primal wail and lunged. I fucking raised my skinny fists like antennas to seinheaven, and grabbed ahold of the seinborg's shitty little arm. I yanked and yonked vehemently, pounding the body against the bars. He screamed for me to stop, but I wouldn't let get go. I pulled with all my might, my feet planted on the bars, giving me the mightiest leverage. I could hear his weak robo-ligaments snapping like rubber bands and as he let out a final agonizing shriek. The arm smacked right off, revealing his whack mustard blood. I flew backwards and slammed head first against the back wall of my cell, clutching his toy arm to my chest. It took me a minute or two to calm down, but my blood quickly devaporated from a searing hot mist to it's standard boiling temperature in an instant. I then looked down and realised what I had done, the beautiful cyborg arm was now in my possession, it was even more awe inspiring than I had predicted. But there it was, in all it's glory.

Now for the fun part.

I now knew my next duty. I teared up a bit at the realization, but I had to. It was time to say gd!by to my lovely branch. I had to now suffer the pain I'd made the sad sad seinborg endure. I grabbed at my bicep, clenched the sein-arm in my teeth, and released only fragments of a scream through my clenched teeth. I pulled my arm like toenails from toby. I could feel the flesh snapping like biting into a hotdog, the sensation rippled up my body and I could feel it it my gums especially. I could feel each stringy strand of muscle resigning it's duties one by one, tearing and peeling like rotten beef. I could almost feel them scream, as the serrated sensation of pure pain shot shivers up my cortex.

Despite my brute, guerrilla force, I could not completely crack all of the tendons in my thin, bleach white arm.

I had to resort to extreme measures.

I frowned at the thought, but I hadn't just crippled myself only to not follow through. I slowly shambled across my cell, and when I reached the bars, I anxiously slid my humerus through.

Here we go.

The sweat began to pour down my waxy face, as I mounted the bars once more and got ready for a good tug. I folded my arm in and around the bars, with my bicep wrapped cleanly around for extra leverage. My hands were locked and my feet were once more planted firmly on the bars. I pulled with all my ten tons of torque. I could feel the bone begin to uproot from my shoulder, splintering like driftwood on a beach. The pain radiated up my body and blacked out my mind. I wretched and spewed and wept as I put great effort into tearing out my own fucking arm, but my bones were practically steel. I jolted my body back from the bars again and again, throwing my ridiculous weight back and forth, I could hear an audible creek every time. But before it came flying clean off like a lego, the bone split in two. However, my tasty skin was blocking me from removing the blasted appendage. I grabbed ahold of the sein-borg arm, and used its steeley hands to cut through my thick rubbery flesh. As I severed the final layer of skin, blood began to burst from my stupid stub, covering the walls with a new coat of scarlet paint.

I had to stop the bleeding fast, so I grasped the new robotic arm and thrusted it rightly into my bleeding nub nub. "AAAAAAAAA HOLY FUCKING SHIT" I yelped. It was on, and the bleeding had somewhat subsided, but I could not move my new limb just yet, I had to hook it up. I then painstakingly crammed each wire of the robot arm down my blood vessels, I assumed this would work. It was very hard to grab onto my veins, which were squirming like worms in the rain, but when I got ahold of each one, I crammed a wire right in.

This was absolutely the most painful thing I had ever felt, worse than those kidney stones back in 2014. But when I calmed down, I realised that this new bionic lobe was far more efficient than my biological one ever was. I twisted and contorted my new robo arm, it was capable of so much shit. Time to test it out!

I used my newest member to grasp the cell door and yanked hard. The door blasted off the hinges with ease, much easier than my fucking arm. I rolled out of my cell quickly and began fidgeting down the hall.

I made my way down the hall, and nearly reached the exit to the prison, but then I realised I was still in a Seinfeld© Signature Season One Jumpsuit™ and had none of my kool geer.

Where the fuck did that late 90s pun-pack take all of it? I swang me hed left and right, restlessly lookin round for me weapons, but alas, I'm gonna have to do this the old fashioned way.

I kicked down the door which tore a hole right through the cheap black loafers, and searched the warden's office for a possible weapon. Oh wait, fuck that. I have the robot arm.

I bolted out of the office and the first thing I did was impale a guard, just for fun. My fist went straight through his crotch, and I held him up by his new hole for interrogation.

"Where did you put my shit, dumbass?"

"Oh gee! It's in the locker room!"

"Which fucking locker?"

"Last locker on the left! The real old rusty one!"

I dropped him and sprinted off, leaving him to bleed out. Locker room here I come. The locker room was further away than I expected. It had to be at least 30 miles away from the Seincranium Correctional Facility, or so it seemed. Every hall, looked the same. Each hallway was nearly half a mile long of just straight white full bright nothing. Although in hindsight, it was probably just my imagination, it felt as if each hall was more cramped than the last, like the walls were closing in on me. It got harder and harder to breathe each hall.

But at the end, was a room. A central hub so to speak. It was a massive circular room with nine hallways surrounding it, one of which was the one I had entered from. I spun 720 degrees and found the one I was looking for.

"LOCKER ROOM" it read, in the Seinfeld font. Yes. This is the one I want. I carefully grabbed the door handle, trembling, and trying my best to replicate the way Jerry opened the door to Orchid Thai. The door creaked open, and I peaked in.

It was dark, almost impossible to see. I sure could use my Jim-Vision goggles right about now. The room was lit only by a small television set, quietly playing an episode from season three of Seinfeld, the one where jerry befriends a fat nudist on a subway. God I love this show. My eyes adjusted to the darkness and I walked slowly toward the television, which was at the end of the hall. When I got there I violently veered my head to the left, nearly killing myself.

But in the next hall over, a spooky yellow glow caught a glint in my eye. I slinked around the corner, and noticed the strange title over this door. "Weird." I thought. Out of curiosity, I reached for the door knob, and when the door opened, I witnessed true horror, so unbelievably terrifying, that I filled my trousers and blacked out on the spot.