Disclaimer: I do not own Square Enix's Kingdom Hearts, nor am I making any money off this fanfiction.
Frog Prince
Chapter Eight
Losing His Cool
I opened my eyes groggily. Squall's alarm clock read that it was near noon, and I rolled onto my back, stifling a groan. I shut my eyes again, since they felt heavy, and tried to get my thoughts in order. What had gone on last…? Oh, right… Seifer's party.
Already knowing I'd find an empty spot beside me, I spread out my arm. The sheets were cool. Squall had gone downstairs shortly after we'd gone to bed, and he hadn't come back. I'd known without asking that he'd been waiting for Rinoa to show up. She hadn't.
I'd been surprised he hadn't gone back to go and get her, but when I asked about it, he'd given me a gruff, "It's her problem now." He'd said his piece. That was all there was to it. And seeing as how I'd been too rattled from the run-in with Riku, and hadn't even thought about her again until we were a good ways away, and then been too afraid to bring it back up until we were at home… It was just as much my fault as his if something happened.
Pushing the covers back, I slid from Squall's bed and stretched until my back popped in three places. I scooped up my toothbrush and paste from my things, then headed into the bathroom for a shower. I took my time in there, musing once again over the events of the night before. What had happened after we'd left? Hayner had been there, and Rinoa was a virgin… Had she given it up to Seifer? Had she never gotten a chance to, what with Hayner presumably interrupting? There was no way to know until she got home and I could ask.
"DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, SORA!"
I flinched and squeezed my eyes shut, pushing my head under the hot stream of water. Riku was probably back to not talking to me. Don't let it bother you, I told myself for the thousandth time. But he'd sounded so… hurt… Even though he'd had no right to shove Squall like that, I…
I shook my head free of the thought and turned off the water. Soap suds got whisked away down the drain. Steam rose in clouds when I opened the shower door, and the mirror was too fogged up for me to see through it. I shivered in the cold air and wrapped a towel about me quickly, goosebumps on my flesh.
Downstairs, I heard the front door slam. Rinoa was home finally?
I rushed to towel my hair dry and throw on my clothes. I nearly broke my neck when I was tugging on my pants and my foot caught the hem and I slipped. Skinny jeans were really hard to work on when your legs were still wet. It involved lots of hopping around, lots of pulling as hard as you could to make the denim move.
Finished with that, out of breath, I threw on a graphic T Riku had given me a year ago. I ruffled my towel through my hair and ventured back into Squall's bedroom to pull on fresh socks and my Birkenstocks. I put my scarf around my neck, too, and left it unwound for now, and my jacket over my things. I had to go soon, I had some studying to do before a test the next day, but I could stay a few minutes longer. Be nosy, figure out if Rinoa was okay.
Halfway down the stairs, I stopped with my hand on the wall, blinking slowly. Had I just heard raised voices…? Oh, no, were they fight—
"I don't know what you want from me, Squall!" A pot slammed into the sink, or that's what it had sounded like.
I took another step down, very quietly, straining my ears. Squall said something. I couldn't make it out, it was too soft. Geeze, though, Rinoa was upset. What about? Was she mad we hadn't gotten her? Mad Squall was being protective? It could be anything.
"No, you're the one who didn't want to do this!" she retorted with enough venom in her voice that I was glad I wasn't in Squall's position at the moment.
Do what? One more step down, then skipping another to avoid the creak it would give. I didn't want them to know I was there. Something said to listen, that I needed to, and I was going to heed that advice, that sliver of intuition. Eavesdropping was bad, they said. Nothing good could ever come of it.
But Rinoa—
Squall murmured something else. I could make out his profile at the kitchen table. He was sitting, and his hand waved through the air. Rinoa whirled on him, her eyes brown fire, dark smudges beneath them. Not enough rest the night before? Hungover? Either wasn't something I wanted to contemplate.
Her make-up was mostly gone, and her hair was pulled up into a messy ponytail. It was the first time I'd seen it up. She always wore it down, let it hang naturally. It didn't need much work, and it was already thick and lustrous. I didn't blame her. Still, now she definitely looked like she'd woken up on the wrong side of the bed. It was startling. I didn't think I'd ever seen her without make-up before.
"I told you how I felt!" she growled.
…what…?
"You didn't say anything!" She walked over to the cabinet, wrenching it open, slamming it shut when she couldn't find what she was looking for. She put a hand to her forehead, her eyes squeezed shut. "Where's the damn aspirin? What did we do with it last! God, my head's killing me…"
I could feel my eyes widening in shock as the knowledge of what she had said began to sink in. I leaned heavily against the wall and stared straight ahead.
The rattle of a medicine bottle. She'd found the aspirin. "So I assumed…" The faucet squeaked as it was turned on. Water rushed into a glass. "…that you didn't want to start anything, so I left it alone, Squall."
Squall's voice rose, irritation coloring it. "Maybe you shouldn't have assumed, then."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
More murmuring. I couldn't make out a thing he was saying. He always did that. Always spoke below the normal decibel…
"No—this isn't my fault! It's yours! If you wanted me, you should have said something!" Rinoa's glass settled onto the table with a thud. "So I moved on, I let you have Sora, and I moved on! Don't get jealous because I didn't—"
She trailed off as Squall spoke. I still couldn't make it out. I didn't care. I didn't need to hear what he was saying. I already knew.
"I'm not jealous," I mouthed.
"Yes, you are jealous!" Rinoa replied, and I closed my eyes. Warmth gathered beneath them. "You waited up all night for me, you just said that!"
Squall's chair moved, and in my mind's eye, I saw him rising from it. His hand slammed against the table. "I was worried—!"
"About what? Don't worry, I didn't sleep with him, if that's what you're wondering!" Rinoa shouted. I flinched again, and I drew in a shaky breath. I turned, and I started back up the stairs, as quietly as I had come down them. They couldn't know I was there. They couldn't know I'd heard every single word. In that moment, if they'd seen my face, they would have known I had.
"Rin." Squall's voice, pleading. I had never ever heard him plea for anything, at least not with me.
"Don't," she said, a world of ice in the one word where there had been nothing but raging fire a moment before. "I'm not doing this right now." Her footsteps thudded over the floor, and I beat the last several places into Squall's room. I crawled into the bed and grabbed a pillow and waited. A second later, her bedroom door slammed closed.
The house grew quiet. My fingers dug into my pillow. Squall never came up the stairs after her, and I had the thought that maybe, like Riku, he didn't chase, either.
Things were lining themselves up in my head, and for the first time in two months, there was perfect clarity where there had been none before. God, it had been right in front of me all along, and I'd just ignored the signs. I'd ignored them, because, for once, I'd just wanted to be happy. Wasn't I allowed to be? Ever? Just once…
It was like I had initially thought, when I'd first seen them together. They didn't act like brother and sister. They acted like they were in a relationship. And that was because, in some way, they were. Squall didn't look at Rinoa like a sibling… He was pissed the night before because he knew Rinoa loved him, and he loved her, and she was going to sleep with Seifer. He'd been able to abide by whatever she wanted for her happiness, for whatever misunderstanding they had come to, but seeing her with Seifer like that had drawn the last straw. Like an elderly, concerned brother, he hadn't been willing to let her make a stupid decision… but, like a friend who harbored more than platonic feelings, he'd been jealous…
He told her everything—he did everything she wanted him to—she got him to smile and cheer up when no one else could—all the things I'd wanted, that she had all along… But it wasn't her fault. She couldn't have known. She'd thought, because Squall hadn't said anything, that he didn't return those feelings she carried. But Squall was introverted. He didn't talk about how he felt, he…
I swiped my palms over my face and shook my head a few good times. Be strong, c'mon, be strong, Sora. Don't be such a sissy.
God, this hurt.
Where had I factored into this? Was I just some… sort of experiment? Rinoa had noticed all my looking, she'd shoved Squall in my direction, and Squall had… what? Gone along with it to make her happy? Possibly realized, after our tussle on the bed, that he didn't feel that way for me at all, or couldn't handle being with a guy like he thought he could? Did it even matter now?
No, I supposed, it didn't.
I had to do what I needed to do, what I should have done a while ago—what I should have prevented from starting in the first place…
I got out of Squall's bed and put on my jacket and wound my scarf around my neck. I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and started down the stairs. Behind me, I heard Rinoa's door open. She said my name in surprise, and I ignored her and kept on. I had to do this before I lost courage.
The kitchen came into view, and I rounded the corner. Squall was where Rinoa had left him, camped out at the table. He glanced up sharply when he heard me, and I swallowed. My heart was pounding so fast, it felt like it was going to go out of control. Some small part of me wished that this could be salvaged, that I was horribly, horribly wrong about what I had deduced…
It had just happened so fast—
Or maybe not. It had, after all, been happening the whole time I'd been here, been with him.
Rinoa trailed into the kitchen after me, looking wildly back and forth between Squall and me. I couldn't look at her, I couldn't, or I'd just lose focus.
Do it, Sora. Do it now!
"I think…" I said slowly, carefully, and I ignored how thick my voice sounded, "I'm not the person you should be with…"
There. I'd said it. I'd let that horrible weight in my chest out. My heart could settle down now. Any minute. The tiny flame of hope flickered, and I licked my lips, watching him. His gray eyes bore into mine and he… he said nothing. He did nothing. No denial, no questions about what I was talking about, he—
Oh, God, this fucking hurt.
I nodded and hefted my book bag on my shoulder more firmly. It was time to go. I'd done the right thing, I rationalized. I didn't need to stay in a relationship where I wasn't wanted, where it wasn't going to work out. Because it wouldn't, if I stayed with him. There was no way it could. He was in love with Rinoa, and I… I was just the third wheel. The experiment. Kind of like with Riku.
Damn it, I was tired of being treaded over. I wanted to be someone's something. I wanted someone to look at me and think I want him. No insecurities, no questions, just… a knowledge, a fact.
It wasn't something I was going to get here.
I walked outside and made it halfway through the yard before the front door opened again. For a second, my heart lifted.
"Sora!"
It was Rinoa.
I struggled to breathe and keep my heart in one piece in my chest, in the place where it should have been, against my ribs.
I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed. Then I turned to face her, a half-smile on my face. I didn't think I couldn't manage more. She was kind enough that she probably didn't expect me to.
A strong wind came by, carrying the taste of autumn with it. It was so frigid, I shivered inside of my jacket, pulled it closer. "What?" I said.
"I'm—what… what are you doing?" She came to a stop several yards from me and wrapped her arms about herself. Her eyes were wet, and I pretended not to notice. I'd have wanted her to do the same for me, in this sort of situation.
"I'm giving Squall to you," I replied. It was obvious, yeah, but she needed to hear it. "You want him." Probably a lot more than me, though I wasn't ready to admit that to myself yet. There was only one person I wanted, and I'd never get to have him, so why focus on that? Why not want someone else for a change? Why not try to find someone that I could love as much as Riku? Was that so wrong?
No. It was human.
Rinoa's face fell, and she lowered her eyes. "You heard…" I almost didn't hear it over the next gust. It blew through the yard, tossing crimson leaves about in its wake. A car rushed past, sending more up into the air. For a moment, there was a tornado of golds and reds and orange. It was really beautiful. If nothing else, I could appreciate nature.
"You weren't being all that quiet." I laughed to take out the sting that might have caused, and gave a tiny shrug of my shoulders. Look, see, I'm all right.
A guilty flush colored her cheeks. "Sora—you weren't supposed to hear that…" She took a step toward me, held out a hand, stopped. "It's not… it's not a big deal, Squall doesn't like me like that—" I could tell that the words were painful for her to say.
I shook my head. "Yes, he does. I've seen it this whole time, I just… didn't want to see it for what it really was…" I was such an idiot… "He cares about you a lot." A hell of a lot. His behavior last night was indicative of that if nothing else was. "You should be with him."
Her teeth settled onto her lower lip. She wanted to go with what I had to say, but she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Rinoa was very kind. She didn't like the idea of upsetting others if she could avoid it. She would, though, in a heartbeat, if they upset her, but that, to her thinking, was a different story.
"But what about you…?"
"I'll be fine," I reassured her with more gusto than I felt. "It's not really all that big of a loss, when I think about it." I had never told such a big lie. It hurt, really, really bad, and it was going to take me a little while to recover from it. Not forever, just… a few days, at the very least. "I mean, he never opened up to me, anyway…" And he hadn't. That, before anything else, had nagged me this whole time.
If it had seemed doomed to fall apart from the very beginning, why had I ignored that and rushed relentlessly forward? Was I that desperate to be with someone, to feel wanted?
"For now."
"Sora…" Rinoa shifted her weight from one foot to the other. She really didn't know what to say. I didn't blame her. I couldn't think of much anything to say, either.
Except…
"Hey…" She looked up, and I offered another wan smile. "Listen… we can still be friends, right?"
She swallowed.
"If there's one thing I got out of this," I pressed, "it's my friendship with you. I kind of… talked with you more than I did with Squall, anyway." And that was truer than anything else about this. I tried not to let it bother me. Greater feats had been had. I could do it. Maybe… later… when the pain wasn't so raw…
A trembling smile touched the corner of her mouth then. "…We did a lot of stuff together, didn't we?"
I nodded. "Yeah, you're great." She was.
Her smile strengthened at that, and she nodded back. Her eyes weren't quite so teary anymore. That was good. I didn't want her upset. "If it's not too weird—"
"Nah, it's fine," I said, before she could start on that spiel. I couldn't deal with it right now. Reassuring someone, that is. Anymore than I already had. "I'll text you later, okay?"
I waved and headed off before she could get anything else out. I felt her eyes on my back the whole way, but I just stuffed my hands in my pockets and focused on the dreary clouds up above. I could do this. I felt stronger already. I'd done what I had to do. Who wouldn't feel glad about that?
The wind dried the tears on my face on the way home.
As I had no one to talk to, the next week passed by in a blur. I was mostly grateful, somewhat sad. By burying myself in my schoolwork, I didn't have much time for anything else. My mother was just going to love my report card come the Christmas holidays. I didn't think I'd ever made straight A's in all of my classes before.
At the same time, it bombed. Who wanted to make good grades just because their social life was in tatters? Kairi was still MIA on the friend radar, Riku was pissed to kingdom come, he wouldn't even look at me in passing in the hallways, and… Rinoa was just too awkward for the moment. Maybe later, but not now, and definitely not about this.
Heck, I didn't even have my parents to talk to, for more than obvious reasons. I hadn't exactly come out of the closet, and if they suspected, they didn't say anything about it or act any differently toward me. I would tell them, I would, eventually… most likely when I wasn't living under their roof anymore. I trusted my parents, and I knew they loved me, but my mother wanted grandchildren, and I was her only child. Yeah…
Thinking about her disappointment and loss wasn't exactly my problem or something I could help, no, but she was still my mother. I wasn't going to do that to her until I couldn't help it.
It had to have been the most uneventful, painful week of my life. Who wanted to be stuck alone with their heartbreak? And I wasn't even a bad person, and I'd been more or less shunned by the two people I cared about most. This was unfair! Ridiculous, even. I wanted to scream at them, shake them and demand what I had done that was so terrible. I'd never lied, never backstabbed! So what, then, made me such an awful person?
What, Kairi, made you not want to talk to me? Because I refused to shunt aside my best friend since childhood? Because I'd said you were jealous in a moment where we both being a bit hotheaded? How many times did I have to apologize for something small and insignificant like that? And if it was still significant to you, then you needed to let it go already! Life was too short to waste on petty arguments.
And you, Riku, you. What made you think you were above me? What made it so wrong that I would rather go to a party with my at-the-time boyfriend than you? Given all the things that happened around you when you were intoxicated—given what had happened last—given the event you had refused to talk about on more than one occasion… All right, then.
My two best friends, who were constantly at one another's throats, had distantly bonded together against me. I honestly hadn't seen it coming. It hurt, that I couldn't go to either one of them when I was in pain…
I should have been honest with Riku, no matter what his problem was. I should have been the better person, and simply told him the truth of the matter, even if I hadn't wanted to talk about it at the time, to save strife from happening later. If I had just been open with him, yeah, he'd still have been mad at me, but it wouldn't have been quite so bad.
And Kairi… I should have never told her she was jealous. No matter what her reaction now, I knew all the hatred that boiled between Riku and her, and I'd stepped way over the line.
Maybe, in the end, my loneliness was my fault. Maybe not completely, but… I had to hold myself accountable for some of the blame, didn't I? I just wished that they would do the same. That they wouldn't pin everything on me.
Still… It had been a really long time since I'd spoken to Kairi… Really talked to her, not just pleaded for her to give me the time of day. There had to be something I could do. Surely I hadn't exhausted all of my resources? Riku was a lost cause until he cooled down a bit, but Kairi…
Olette! I could talk to Olette.
Now why hadn't I thought of that before? Oh, right, because I hadn't known it'd get so bad between us…
I had to know. I had to know what was driving her away from me. I had to salvage at least one of my friendships. Kairi deserved it more, and I was still angry with Riku, so Kairi it would be.
I just hoped Olette would actually talk to me. If she didn't, then I had nothing. All my cards were played.
To be honest, and I think I mentioned it before, I really didn't know Olette all that well. We'd had maybe two classes together in our whole lives? She'd been the quiet girl in preschool through to middle school, and by the time she'd found decent friends and opened up, I'd been engrossed with Riku and Kairi.
This left me with a bit of a problem. How the heck did I get around to talking to her? I had no idea what her lunch period was, or any of her classes, or if she rode the bus home or took a car or if her parents picked her up. I was pretty clueless. Then I remembered that a friend of hers was a classmate of mine. Pence!
Pence, who knew Hayner, who I did know.
Through the chain, I found out what Olette's lunch period was. It wasn't mine, which meant that for the first time in my life… I skipped a class. I'd gotten on to Rinoa about it the Saturday before, and here I was, being a hypocrite. But this time it was important. It was for Kairi. I'd do what I had to do.
Her lunch was second, mine was first. I didn't show up to class to put my things down, hid out in the library with a pass from a teacher who liked me, and then moseyed on in to the cafeteria when I knew Olette would be there. I could only hope that I didn't get into some serious trouble for this later. But people skipped all the time, right? How bad could it be?
I had to hunt for her. She blended in with everyone else pretty well. Finally, though, I spotted her walking to a table with Pence and Hayner on either side of her, and, strangely, I felt a jolt go into my heart. One girl, two best guy friends. It had never been like that between Kairi, Riku, and myself, but maybe it could've been, if there hadn't been so much bad blood.
"Hey," I said, nearing her side right when she had set her tray down and pulling out a chair. She blinked and looked up at me. "Can we talk…?" I asked more softly.
She hesitated, her throat working in a nervous swallow. In the end, she nodded, and we made our way outside.
Huge gray clouds were drifting overhead, as slowly as possible. They were heavy, and it made me wonder if it was going to rain. I hoped not. It would be killer cold. Still, with the trees mostly bare and the nip in the air, it wouldn't add much to the environment.
Olette was apparently thinking along the same lines, at least where the weather was concerned. "The weather forecast said we're going to get some snow flurries in the afternoon…" She smiled to herself at that, a pleased little thing. I got the impression she liked snow.
"Isn't it early?" I asked, willing to keep up the conversation. Anything to make this less awkward between us. We really didn't know anything about each other. She'd been willing to talk to me despite that. She was a kind person. If I hadn't already known that, I'd be under that assumption now.
"Why do you say that?" Her breath fogged the air before her.
"Well—it doesn't normally snow until after Christmas, I guess…" Not always. It wasn't a uniform rule or anything. But mostly. I'd lived here all my life, and that was what I had observed. Sure, we lived in the mountains, but it wasn't Colorado or anything. I heard they measured snow there in feet, not inches.
Olette gave a graceful shrug of those small shoulders. Her frame was so petite. She was at least an inch shorter than me, and skinny, skinny, skinny. "I guess we're just lucky this year."
I made a face at that. Snow was cold. I hated the cold. It was the downside to the beauty of the mountains. "Depends on your definition of lucky…"
She giggled a little at that, but made no further comment. We walked in silence, and my eyes roamed over the grounds for a tree. Most everyone was inside, not willing to brave the frosty temperature. I didn't blame them. I would have been inside myself, where it was freaking warm. God, I had been stupid not to take my jacket out here with me.
I stuffed my frozen fingers into my pockets as we came to a mutual agreement to stand under the nearest tree. Like the others, its leaves were gone, leaving it naked to the cold. I felt sorry for it, but trees probably didn't even notice. Or if they did, we'd have no way of knowing, except if they started to die or something… which they didn't. Not usually.
Okay, this is weird.
I looked over at Olette to distract myself from my thoughts. She wasn't faring much better than me. Like me, she didn't have a coat with her, and why should she have thought to bring one? She'd had no idea we were going outside. Maybe this wasn't such a bright idea…
Well, in all actuality, none of it was bright. I'd skipped class to do this, after all. But the thing was, I had to fix at least one thing in my life, no matter what it took. And if I faced detention for it… well, that was minor compared to everything else going on. It wasn't like I ever got in trouble. Mom wouldn't kill me. Too badly, anyway.
"So…" Olette tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, and then wrapped her arms firmly about herself to ward off the cold. "…What did you want to talk about, Sora?"
I took a breath, let it stream out in more clouds of white. Here went nothing.
"Look, Olette, I—Kairi's… really mad at me lately…" To make an understatement. "I was just… I—I want to be friends with her again, but she won't talk to me…" I shook my head, thinking of how to word it. There wasn't really a way, though, without going into it, and I was sure Olette was already in the know-how, or else why would I be here? "Is there anything I can do? I mean—you're the only person I can talk to about this…"
She was friends with Kairi. Maybe more. Seemed more. Kairi hadn't ever actually confirmed that rumor Riku had started in front of her, but she hadn't denied it, either.
I felt a twinge of loss in my heart. When had Kairi stopped telling me everything…? It wasn't the first time I'd thought it, and it wouldn't be the last.
Olette's sigh was so sad that I looked up at her. "Oh, Sora…"
Well—that… couldn't have been good. Should I have been worried?
I bit my lip.
Her head shook slowly back and forth. "She tried so hard to forget… I—I tried to help, but… she didn't want that, either…" Letting out another gust of breath, she turned and leaned her back against the tree. Her fingers were red from the bite of the cold.
Forget?
"Forget?" I echoed my thoughts. "Forget… what?" The anticipation was killing me! Why was she drawing it out?
Surprise flickered through her gaze. "You really don't know?"
Okay, if I hadn't before, now I definitely felt completely out of the loop. "Know what, Olette?"
Honestly, hadn't it been evident that I was clueless? That was why the two of us were out here, dying slowly from the freezing temperature… My teeth were already starting to chatter. Olette's weren't, but then, she liked the cold more than I did. I ran warm-blooded. Give me a tropical setting any time of the day, and I wouldn't complain ever again.
"Kairi, she—she's…"
"What is it?" I pressed. Spit it out already! I wasn't rude enough to speak my thoughts out loud, however, no matter how impatient I was getting.
She pushed up from the tree, and out came the words—blurted out, really. "She's in love with you, Sora!"
I stared at her.
It was all I could do. All I could think of to do.
Kairi… was… in love with me…?
Was this some kind of joke…?
Olette covered her mouth with her hands, then gave another shake of her head, this one much faster. "I shouldn't have said anything," she said, the words muffled by her fingers.
But—Kairi… knew… she knew that I was gay… right…? Duh, of course she did… I'd told her… she knew I was in love with Riku… she knew about Squall, rooted me on for him…
Olette dropped her hands, wincing in guilt. "She'll never forgive me… but… but you had to know…!"
I staggered back against the tree, my mind utterly refusing to comprehend what she had just told me. There was no way it was true. No way. I would have known, right? Noticed something. This was just a cruel joke. It had to be. It had to be.
"Just leave her alone for now, all right?" She took my frozen hands in her own, and now I could hear her teeth chattering where I hadn't before. It was subtle. "I know you mean well, Sora, and that there's nothing you can do about it—but… that's just it…"
Kairi…
In love with me…
Why wasn't it lining up? Why were the pieces rubbing together and then falling away without a perfect fit?
I honestly had—never seen that coming…
"She needs time to move on," Olette was saying. "She can't do it while she's still your friend… you understand, right?"
If I had felt like the world was crashing down around my ears ever a time before this, I had been wrong. I knew that now, because now I was drowning. I couldn't breathe. My heart felt so tight. I felt so… naïve for thinking this situation couldn't have gotten any worse. And at the same time, I felt like such an awful person. How hadn't I noticed something like that?
"I've got to go…" Olette released my hands and took a step away from me. "I've got to eat. I'm sorry it came out like this… but… well…"
My mind was too numb, my tongue too thick in my mouth, my throat too tight, to give a response.
Olette whirled and ran back inside, her hands rubbing over her arms, visibly shivering.
How long had she…? Had Kairi…
I put my hands over my face, and I wasn't sure how long I stood out there. Long enough to become an ice cube. Not long enough for the bell to ring, so maybe ten minutes. Eventually, I found the strength to push away from the tree. It was then that I noticed eyes were on me. Blinking slowly, dazedly, I looked up.
Riku was there, on the second floor, his desk near the window. It was the first time he'd so much as laid eyes on me in a week. He was staring at me pretty intently. From so far away, I couldn't read his expression.
I shook my head and made my way back inside. I couldn't tell exactly through the cold, but my face felt drained of blood. I was shivering all over, and I didn't think it was from the nip entirely. No, Kairi had something to do with it, too.
As I walked, the world didn't feel right under my feet, like it was going to give way any second. I would have let it. Falling would have been preferable to having to make my feet move, one foot in front of the other.
God, how had I missed that…?
Kairi…
Kairi was in love with me…
Kairi was in love with me… and I hadn't noticed…
Kairi…
The rest of the day was a haze, much like the last week had been, except worse. I completely zoned out. One minute, I was showing up extremely late to class with no real excuse and earning myself my first tardy, the next, the bell to signify the end of the day was ringing and someone had to nudge me out of my stupor.
I blinked and came to, rattled, realizing that I was staring at where Kairi had been sitting all period. She was gone now, most of the class was cleared out. I wasn't sure if that disappointed me or not. I wanted to say something to her, but… what would I say? Not to mention that Olette had said she needed time to move on… I had to respect that wish, right…?
Argh, man, this was too complicated!
I resolved to think it over for a couple of days before I tried approaching her. At least then I would have some idea of what to say. Maybe… I'd be closer then to a state of non-cluelessness than I was now, at any rate.
I rushed to put my things up in my locker so I wouldn't miss the bus, then shouldered my bag and started outside. I had my coat buttoned all the way up, and my chin was dipped into my scarf. Anything to escape this god-awful cold.
My bus was at the far end, and I got maybe two steps in that direction before someone grabbed my elbow and began to yank me in the opposite direction. We stumbled over the grass and around a railing, then toward the direction of the student parking lot, which would take us around the stadium, cafeteria, and the greenhouse.
"Riku!" I snapped. "Let me go!" What did he want with me?
"Shut up, Sora." He gave my arm a particularly hard tug. "Come on."
Shut up?
Shut up?
"Screw you, Riku!" I growled, too frustrated to deal with this crap right now. With a vicious yank, I reclaimed my arm. "I'm not in the mood—"
Riku planted a hand at the small of my back and shoved. I went stumbling forward several paces. "I'm not mad at you," he said, like that was supposed to fix everything, make everything better with hearts and rainbows.
I wrenched away a second time, then whirled to face him so he couldn't force me again. "So?" I said aggressively. I didn't think I'd ever been so vicious with him in my life. But now, if any time at all, I had a right. "I don't want to talk to you!"
Riku didn't say anything, he just watched me in that eerily calm way he had. He was waiting me out. Normally I'd apologize for snapping at him so he wouldn't beat that apology out of me. Not this time. This time, I wasn't putting up with it. It was time to make a stand for myself. Kairi was right. I didn't need this.
Kairi…
A good minute passed before I lost my temper. "SAY SOMETHING!" It felt good to yell, good to rise on my tiptoes and flail my arms about. Good to gnash my teeth, narrow my eyes. I didn't get to do it often enough, if ever. I was always the level-headed one. Well, not level-headed, but even-tempered.
Except for when I'd told Kairi she was jealous—
Oh, God.
No wonder!
She had been jealous, just not for the reasons I'd thought.
After a moment, I caught movement out of the corner of my eye, and I jerked my head back up. Riku was shaking his head slowly back and forth.
"…Would you rather ride the bus, or have me take you home?"
Right at that moment?
"Normally, when you weren't mad at me," he said smoothly before I could even answer. Maybe he'd known what it would be when he'd seen my face.
Admittedly, I faltered a little bit. Normally, I would have preferred to take the car with him than ride the bus any day of the week.
Smiling a little, Riku jerked his head in the direction of the student parking lot. He strode forward without a second glance back. "Come on, Sora."
Ugh, no, I couldn't do this. I couldn't cave in. Not right now. He would be winning, and I'd just made a stand for myself. For once, I had to come out the victor.
I turned to go, only… there was one problem. My bus had already left, and the second load was pulling in.
Damn it!
Why did this always happen to me? Why did Riku always have to be the one who came out on top? It just wasn't fair…
Groaning inwardly, I stomped back to follow Riku. I was pissed at him, but I definitely wasn't going to walk home in the freezing cold. No way.
As we trailed our way to Riku's car, gentle snowflakes began to drift down, cementing my decision.
Yup, definitely not walking home in this.
We were quiet most of the way home. I didn't know what to say to him that wouldn't involve me snapping at him in some fashion, and he wasn't exactly forthcoming with conversation, either. So I sat there the whole time, angry, stiff, my hands curled into fists in my lap. It was easier, I thought, to be angry. I could see now why he enjoyed it so much. When you were angry, you didn't have to care about what the other person might be feeling.
But, eventually, words wormed their way out.
"What did you mean by 'for now'?" I said in a tiny, furious voice.
Riku shifted gears at a traffic light. "Hm?"
Impatience flared. "When I told you I was in a relationship with Squall a couple of weeks ago—after you… you… well. Anyway. You said 'for now'."
"Oh. That."
Silence passed between us. Just when I bristled, ready to urge him to continue in a not-very-nice fashion, he spoke up again with a shrug of his shoulders. "Well," he said, and his voice was very matter-of-fact, "anyone can see that your relationship with him is doomed from the start, because how can you be with someone else and have it work when you're in love with me?"
I stared hard at my lap for several moments, until my vision blurred and nothing looked the same. Then I took a deep breath, closed my eyes. Riku, once again, wasn't saying anything, either. He must have felt like he'd made his point. Bastard.
"I'm not in love with you, Riku," I said, and I wasn't ashamed to note that the words had a waspish quality to them. A distant part of me told me to calm down, not to take it out on Riku, not to be so angry with everything. But right then, I didn't know how else to handle the shambles my life had become.
Everything I knew had become completely rearranged sometime in the last couple of months.
"Whatever, Sora," Riku sighed.
My temper piqued again. "Stop the car," I said, not wanting to be in it with him for another second.
"No," he said plainly.
"I want to walk home!"
"Nope." He shook his head.
I growled. It felt good to growl. I could see why everyone did it. "You can't keep me in the car with you!" Shame we had already rolled away from the traffic light. I didn't want to do something so dramatic as throw myself out of a moving vehicle, not that this wasn't already dramatic.
"I know how it works, Sora," Riku said. "You get out, you whine and bitch, and then later I get bitched at again because I let you."
That rankled more than words could say. "I'm not one of your ex-girlfriends, Riku, I'm a big boy," I said snidely. "I can take care of myself."
"Uh huh." He glanced at me.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I all but spit. I was like a great cat whose fur had gotten ruffled. I was bristling all over, and if I had had fangs, I would have been baring them. As it were, my lips were curled back in a snarl. I was two seconds away from leaping across the small distance that separated us and cocking him one right in the mouth.
"If you can take care of yourself," he said, as though he were oblivious to my anger, and I knew for a fact he wasn't, "then why do you look so sad?"
And, somehow, all at once, that righteous anger drained out of me. I slumped into my seat, feeling more like myself, if not a little shaken and out of sorts. How did Riku do that? How did he swing me violently from one emotion to the next? It was like Rinoa and Squall, I mused. Whenever Squall was in a bad mood, it was like Rinoa just swooped in and flipped a switch, and Squall just… wasn't angry anymore.
I ignored the pang in my chest in favor of fiddling with my sweatband on my wrist, underneath the cuff of my coat sleeve.
"I was mad at you at first—really mad," Riku admitted quietly. "I didn't like Squall. But I've thought about it, and… I can't keep you chained to my side forever. If you want to have a boyfriend, then whatever. You're my best friend, though. I think it's natural for me to get jealous when you start spending time with someone else instead of wanting to spend time with me."
I opened my mouth at that, but once again, Riku beat me to the punch.
"And I think it's also natural that you would want to spend time with someone else other than me. That's what being in a relationship is all about. There's someone new, someone exciting. If you don't want to spend time with them, then something would be wrong."
Was Riku honestly having a heart-to-heart with me?
"I can be a big boy, too, Sora, and I can admit when I've been an ass." He smiled slightly, more of a grimace than anything else. "So… I'm sorry. I won't be a jealous dick about you and Squall being together anymore. Okay?" He reached over and ruffled his hand through my hair. "I won't stand in your way. Have fun." His hand slid away again so he could place it back on the stick shift.
I turned to the window to hide my eyes. They felt warm, and I didn't want Riku to see. I hadn't cried in front of Riku in a long, long time. The last time I had, Riku didn't talk to me for days, claiming that he couldn't have someone so weak around him.
But this time, I think Riku knew. He didn't say anything, though. We just rode the rest of the way home in the silence we had started out with, except not quite as uncomfortable.
Just… melancholy.
We were done with homework and upstairs in Riku's room getting ready to play a video game when it happened again. Riku was sitting down, I had already claimed my beanbag, the TV was turned on and the controllers were in our hands. And then—
The whispers.
That sense of not being able to open my eyes.
Darkness.
Warm voices, pressing at my ears, too soft for me to make out.
I wanted to scream in frustration. After everything that had been happening to me lately, why now? Why wouldn't it stop? What did it even mean? Couldn't I go for more than a week without something crazy or dramatic interfering? Couldn't I just be happy—be normal?
"…it didn't work…" the girl breathed.
My eyes felt like they were glued shut. I tried as hard as I could to open them, and they just wouldn't budge, not this time, not even a little bit. I bit the inside of my lip and tried harder, tried hard enough that I could feel perspiration on my brow. But—nothing.
"Well, she said it wouldn't…" the boy murmured.
Who said? What didn't work?
Why couldn't they speak more loudly or just talk to me! I was right there! I could answer them!
"I know… but… I still had to try…"
Try what?
"Well, let me try—again…"
Helplessness, anger, panic, the desperation for some confirmation that I wasn't going insane, swelled within me at once, and I screamed.
SHUT UP!
Shut up!
Stop not talking to me! Stop whispering! Stop being just at the edge of my hearing! Stop being all mysterious! Just talk to me!
The only problem was, I couldn't open my mouth. I couldn't make a sound. I was there, and my eyes refused to open, and my mouth was apparently in agreement with it. I couldn't even twitch my fingertips. I was in limbo, in that darkness, only there to listen, only there to be driven mad.
Why was this happening to me…?
Finally, blessedly, my vision flickered, and I could see again. Only… I wasn't back in the room with Riku. I was in… that dream I'd had. The one with the darkness and the castle and the magic exploding outside of its walls. The throne room where it was eerily quiet, and I could hear myself breathing, ragged and afraid.
"No, no, no," I whispered, horrified, and dropped to my knees. Riku was spread out on the ground in front of me. His eyes were closed, his brows knitted with pain, and strands of his hair were in his face, his beautiful, beautiful hair. This was my fault. "My fault," I breathed.
If it hadn't been for me—
If I hadn't come here—
If I hadn't led her here—
Her jealousy, it—
"Riku," I said, lowering trembling fingers to his face to push his hair aside. He didn't even stir at my touch like he normally did. He was completely unresponsive. His chest moved in a breathing pattern, but it was slow, shallow.
My fault.
All my fault.
Black spotted my vision again.
The witch had her hand around my throat. I couldn't breathe. I struggled with all my might—and it was useless. She'd used a spell. No matter how fragile she looked, she was anything but with magic at her fingertips. Damn it. Damn it! I had to get back to Riku!
A thin, high cackle left her lips.
—never—
Stop.
…happy…
Stop, stop, stop!
"…again," she breathed at my ear.
"It's not your fault."
"STOP!" I screamed, and the world broke into pieces, and I wasn't there anymore. I wasn't that person. I wasn't in the room. Riku wasn't sprawled nearly lifelessly on the floor, broken. I wasn't—I wasn't—
I breathed in, and my lungs hurt.
"And when Hayner tried to apologize to Seifer, he never got the chance. Seifer wouldn't answer the door, and I don't know, they haven't spoken since, I guess," Riku said, bending to turn on the TV.
I was standing in the middle of the room, and this time, this time, I knew I hadn't been there a second ago. I had been sitting right there, on that bean bag. And the game had already been turned on. Riku hadn't been about to put it in, like he was now.
The console sucked the disc in, and he turned to me, lifting his brows when he saw me. I didn't know what I looked like. I just knew my breathing was ragged and that my face felt pale again, except this time I could tell. It wasn't numb from the cold.
"Sora—what… are you okay?" he asked, and concern slid through his eyes.
riku
broken
my fault
mine
I stumbled away from him, into the bed. That was about the point where my knees gave out, and I slid to the floor, shaking. I brought my knees up to my chest and put my forehead against them and tried to breathe right. It was so, so hard. My heart was pounding to the point I was worried it would burst.
Riku tossed his red controller aside and scrambled over to me. He knelt by my side, and he put his hand on my shoulder. The warmth from his fingers flowed into me through my shirt. "Sora—what's wrong…?"
I couldn't have talked even if I'd wanted to. My throat was locked up way too tight to do so.
"Sora…" Riku gave a gentle shake of my shoulders. "Sora." Then a harder one when I still didn't respond. "Sora, talk to me—"
I shook my head, opened my mouth. My throat worked against me. Nothing came out, not even a rasp.
"Sora, come on—"
Lips pursing, I put my forehead back against my knees.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Riku pressed.
I shook my head. It was all I could do. There was no other way to explain.
"It's not your fault."
But whatever it was—whatever it was, it was my fault… I could feel it down in the marrow of my bones. I had done it. It was my fault. Mine. All mine.
Riku puffed out a breath in frustration, then rose to his feet. "Let me go get you some hot chocolate. It's been a long week…" He hesitated, as if waiting for me to say something. When I didn't, his feet edged to the door. "…I'll be right back, okay?"
I swallowed and nodded against my knees.
What's happening to me…?
Why did all this crazy stuff keep happening? The dreams, the whispers, the déjà vu… I had a feeling there was more, but I couldn't tell what, I just knew. Strange stuff had been happening, more strange stuff, and I'd forgotten some of it, and that was even more terrifying. That I might not remember every single detail of the loss of my sanity.
Because that was what it was, wasn't it? Who—had things like this happen to them? Not normal people…
Around five minutes later, Riku returned to the room with a steaming mug of hot chocolate. He set it next to me, and I looked at it for several moments, noting the orange and black marshmallows in it leftover from Halloween. His mother had bought them for us when we'd had all those afternoons of homework together. It was about the only festive thing she'd allowed. Riku's mother didn't really get into the holidays.
"Sora… you have to tell me something…" Riku whispered.
He wasn't going to let this go. I did have to tell him something—but not… that.
It took me several tries, and a few good sips of the hot chocolate, but eventually I managed to get my voice working again. Quietly, in a voice barely above a whisper because it hurt to speak too much, I recounted the events of the last week concerning Squall and Kairi. I hesitated over both, because I'd wanted to keep this information from him until the time was right, especially after the irony of his speech in the car, but… what did it matter anymore? It was over, it was done with.
Besides, Riku probably knew if he gloated, I really would sock him one.
He was quiet for a while, and I stared down into my cocoa to give me something to do. The marshmallows had mostly melted. As I watched, they blurred, and it wasn't from staring at them for too long. Wet was gathering in my eyes again. Damn it, this crying thing was getting ridiculous. But I didn't know what else to do.
I wished I could have told him the truth, the whole truth, not just part of it. I wished I could tell him about the dreams I had where he was broken and it was all my fault.
His arm came around my shoulders, as if sensing my distress, and he pulled me into him to cuddle me close. I was desperate for touch after the week-long absence of what I'd had with Squall, and I curled into him, squeezing my eyes shut. I put my chocolate to the side where I wouldn't knock it over, and then put both my arms around him. He didn't protest, even though I was halfway sprawled over his lap now, he just kept me against him. His cheek came to rest against my hair.
I didn't cry, but I did fall asleep. Maybe I was too worn out from everything crazy that had happened lately. Maybe the hot chocolate was too warm in my belly. Maybe Riku's fingers felt too good in my hair. Either way, my eyes were heavy, and I couldn't keep them open anymore. But here, with Riku, there was nothing to be afraid of.
I drifted off, and for once, I didn't dream.
"Come on, let's go."
I jerked awake. Riku pulled his hand away, and I blearily watched him tug on some jeans over his boxers and toss on a clean shirt. That made me sit up, and I glanced around, noticing that daylight was still creeping in through the windows. Had we napped? But it'd be dark outside by now…
When had he moved me into the bed? Had I woken up to climb in and just hadn't remembered it?
How deeply had I slept?
"Where?" I said groggily.
"Rinoa texted you while you were asleep. We're gonna get some coffee with her."
"…time is it…?" I mumbled through a yawn.
"Almost time for lunch. I let you sleep in. You must have been pretty exhausted…"
So it was the next day, then. I stared at him, still half-asleep. Running a hand through my hair revealed that it was sticking up even worse than usual. Great. And I hadn't brought gel over.
Oh, wait!
That made me sit up straighter. "Mom—" God, she had to be panicked. I hadn't told her I was spending the night! Or, if she had deduced where I was, she was probably pissed I hadn't called her and told her what was up.
Riku tossed some clothes at me. I stared at them blankly. "I went by your house last night so your mom wouldn't freak and you'd have clothes today," he explained. "Come on, you need to get out of the house, get your mind off things."
Things…?
Oh, right. I'd told him about Squall and Kairi…
"Coffee with Rinoa?" I asked.
"Yup, now c'mon."
Stifling a sigh, I climbed out of bed and proceeded to get ready.
